The State of the Union

A live play by play of the MOST IMPORTANT SPEECH EVER. Or not.

9:01: John Roberts, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer, and Samuel Alito enter the House Chamber. The quartet wins "Most boring four people in the room" award, to be presented after the speech by David Souter.

9:02: The entire cabinet enters the chamber. Alberto Gonzalez and Carlos Gutierrez fight for Telemundo camera time.

9:04: Laura Bush is joined in the Presidential box by a black guy and an Iraqi woman. I wonder why they are there.

9:06: Clarence Thomas takes his seat. Condoleeza Rice promptly puts on a sweater and overcoat and discards her soft drink.

9:08: Hey, it's the President!

9:08: Brian Williams reports that Cindy Sheehan, who was supposed to attend the State of the Union as a guest of Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey, was arrested and will not be at the speech. Apparently, the RNC is not only controlling the media, but they are trying to break into the creating reality game.

9:11: Denny Hastert stares at the gavel, contemplates consuming it, and then bangs it and calls the House to order. John Kerry and Diane Feinstein discuss water polo.

9:13: Bush consults a dictionary and uses the word rostrum.

9:15: "The road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting – yet it ends in danger and decline..." Hey, it's Bill Clinton everybody!

9:17: A Burma reference! I guess someone got an atlas for Christmas.

9:19: Back to back standing ovation snubs by Charlie Rangel and John Lewis. Excellent.

9:22: "We are in this fight to win, and we are winning!" Bush of course is talking about the Detroit Pistons.

9:23: Bush makes a snide comment about "politicians in Washington, DC". Dick Cheney ironically applauds.

9:27: Bush winks at a family of a fallen soldier. The mother winks back. I am uncomfortable.

9:29: NBC shows Michael Chertoff, fresh off his victory in the "Vincent Price Lookalike Contest"

9:30: Bring it on, Iran! Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumseld begin frothing at the mouth.

9:31: In a stunner, Bush mentions the word "genocide". Hey, there's a first time for everthing.

9:34: Bush urges the reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Ben Nelson, D-NE, stands and applauds and liberal bloggers everywhere spontaneously combust.

9:36: Hillary Clinton snubs a standing ovation, smiling coyly and shaking her head. The RNC raises $1 million in 10 seconds.

9:38: Bush fumbles a line and then says: "We're seeing some old temptation return." Insert alcoholic joke (here).

9:43: In the greatest moment in State of the Union history, Bush mentions his failed Social Security plan and the Democrats stand and applaud.

9:47: Medical liability reform. Frist grins evilly.

9:49: For the last time, it's nuclear. NOO-clee-ER. Noooooo-kleeeeee-ehrrrrrrrr.

9:51: Bush mentioned supercomputing. Welcome to the 1950's!

9:56: Bush introduces Justice Alito and Justice Roberts. Harry Reid pulls out brass knuckles.

9:57: Bush demands the banning of human cloning and animal-human hybrids. Well, that's disgusting.

9:58: Following tonight's speech, Tom Lantos and Joe Lieberman will compete in the in the "Emperor Palpatine Lookalike Contest".

10:02: Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina, and the camera finds Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco, who is still competing with Bush for "Most incompetent Government Official Ever". Former winners include Michael Brown, Ray Nagin, and the Mayor from Jaws.

10:04: As the speech draws to a close, Bush mentions Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Franklin Roosevelt in a broad comparison with his current struggle. Historians everywhere fall unconscious.

All right, we get it

This is a pretty stupid story, but there are a few paragraphs which caught my attention.

Essentially, Yale University finally broke down and will now provide soap in their dormitories.
Excellent. There is no real indication of why soap was never provided, but my hunch is that Yale wanted its students to live without some of the things that they take for granted. Same reason there are no minorities. You have to bring your own from home. Or purchase them at a CVS.

Being that it was an article about Yale, I was not surprised to find the requisite flagellating, which is noted in these lines:

"Victory at last!" Ted Wittenstein, a 2004 graduate who went on to analyze weapons of mass destruction intelligence for Congress, wrote in an e-mail to his friend, Andrew Klaber.

"We both knew that Yale would eventually come around!" Klaber, who is studying at Oxford, replied...

..."At the time, it was a complete head-scratcher. It seemed completely obvious," said James Ponsoldt, a 2001 graduate and soap proponent who spoke this week from the Sundance Film Festival, where a movie he directed premiered. "It's pretty gross to not have soap in the bathrooms."

All right, we get it. Smart students. Pretty good school. A few lines later the author noted that President Bush was an alumnus, but neglected to mention that the soap was banned from Yale because Bush tried to snort it. Ba dum bum.

"I'll wake up tomorrow morning in another state.....

.....Kiss me now baby before it's too late, If you wanna kiss a lucky man."



Inspired by absolutely nothing. Whatever.

I was asked by a close friend to be his best man at his wedding. Got me thinking. Somehow this lead me to thinking about the state of the Democratic party and my career within it. Hating all Republicans and liking some Democrats isn't reason enough for me to work so hard and so long towards an imaginary-undefined goal. So I think I will begin pursuing a future outside of it. After this year, that is.

Ofcourse..... I have changed my mind about this before. Still, some of these hacks are loathsome and less effective than I would like to be.

Now is as good a time as any to begin entertaining other options, right?



"Some folks got fortune. Some got eyes of blue. What you got will always see you through. You're a lucky man."

When you asked how I was doing, was that some kind of joke?

So I realized that I haven't been very funny lately. Not just only in the blog, but in real life. I guess that's largely based on the fact that my dad and stepmother don't get my acerbic and pessimistic style of humor that I have crafted. Which is ironic because living with them over the years caused my cynicism.

At any rate, my boredom is starting get, how you say, noticeable. Today, I mixed it up a bit and shoveled out my grandmother's car and house, and we spent 10 minutes talking about how many layers I was wearing and whether or not I should buy a gallon or half gallon of milk at the convenience store. Unfortunately, that took ten minutes because of the guy ahead of me in line buying a welfare check's worth of lottery tickets. A dollar and a dream. Sigh.

At the gym, the highlight was the new hairstyle of the 45 year old, tattooed, breast implanted, scantily clad woman at the gym, who decided that mid January was the perfect time to get a perm. And I fucking noticed it. I've been really enjoying my time at the gym, not only for obvious reasons but because it gets me contact with human beings. And naked men.

I also joined Netflix about two weeks ago, in an attempt to fill some of the many cinematic holes that I have despite being a "movie buff". I knocked off Godfather I and Godfather II and Heat, so I am now allowed to join society. Next three movies up: The Natural, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, and All the President's Men. So essentially, I'm in love with Robert Redford.

I'm deciding on a bunch of things; what jobs to take, what state to move to, whether or not to go through with those calf implants. I'll be 26 in a couple of months, and I just don't think this itinerant lifestyle is for me. I've been afraid to settle for whatever reason, afraid to commit. Maybe not anymore.

People are crazy and times are strange

There are weirdos every where you go, but since my current life experiences are my house and the gym, I have been noticing the idiosynchrasies of the people who populate my gym pretty closely, because they are the only people I ever see.

The always naked guy -- Yuk. This guy gets out of the shower and parades around the locker room like it was Europe. He bends over too much, it takes him a little too long to dry his crotch area, and he is always dressing directly next to me. Extra points if he has an erection.

The really vocal guy -- He is really into his workout. Moaning like he's trying to win an Adult Video News award, you are not sure whether to go and help him or immediately run out of the building. Gets real good when he has a spotter who is giving him loud encouragement.

The gigantic guy -- A staple of every gym. Unable to wear clothes that fit, there are no words in the English language to describe the tightness of his shirt, which is usually some sort of speedo product. Watches Pumping Iron nightly.

The gigantic woman -- A sight to see. She no longer has breasts; they have made the Samsa like metamorphosis to pectoral muscles, and she could easily sub in on American Gladiators. Somehow is able to make every man and woman in the gym feel totally inadequate at the same time.

The scantily clad 20 year old girl -- And away we go! So incredibly distracting, it should be made illegal. You try your hardest (no pun intended) to look away while you're actually trying to figure out the best angle of the mirrors to catch a glimpse of her thong. Sets you back a day in your routine.

The scantily clad 45 year old woman -- Hilarious. She is dressed in spandex pants which half cover the enormous butterfly tattoo on her back and a crop top that is struggling to contain her gigantic breast implants. Flirting with all the men in the gym and constantly making eye contact with you, you feign disgust while you are actually trying to figure out the best angle of the mirrors to catch a glimpse of her thong. Sets you back two days in your routine.

The insanely and surprisingly strong guy -- This works better if you're in a hometown gym and this guy is either a former teacher, notable member of the community, or parent of someone you grew up with. He alternates between curling the weight rack and bench pressing the treadmill. Sure fire way to suddenly become frightened of someone you've known your entire life.

The way over his head guy -- He's sweating profusely and and pestering the trainers. Typically clad in Kareem Abdul Jabbar style glasses, an oversized corporate T shirt featuring the logo of a 10k run that he did not participate in, grey shorts, and white socks pulled up to his navel. Usually named Martin or Sam.

The pretty boy -- Oiled up and ready to rock! Dressed in his black tank top, which later on in the evening he will wear to the latest hot spot on Gansevoort Street, this guy stares at the mirror more than Derek Zoolander. Spends at least 20 minutes in the tanning booth and keeps a secret stash of Dep on his weight belt.

The guy in jeans -- Wearing blue jeans, a polo shirt and loafers, this guy is so important that he can't spare the 90 seconds it takes to change into shorts. This one actually inexplicably infuriates me.

The steroids guy -- This guy usually hangs out with other juiceheards in the corner, comparing shrunken genitalia and popping each other's pimples. Often overheard saying: "Oh, it just takes a lot of hard work." Can easily morph into the really vocal guy. Runs the risk of one of his veins popping out of his arm and garroting him to death.

My gym has possibly a unique character, but with the advent of the Ipod, this species will soon spread. That's right, the Way too into his music guy. He's grooving like he's at a tryout for Soul Train, gesticulating and swaying like Elaine Benes and Carlton Banks rolled into one. Always sitting on the bike next to me.

Coming soon: Dynamic of a pickup basketball game

Bad news, bad news

Uh Oh.

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/13657303.htm

You got a lotta nerve

Stephen Baldwin, star of such wholesome and morally sound movies as Threesome, The Usual Suspects, The Sex Monster, and possibly most offensively, Biodome, is taking a stand against a porn shop.

This guy had sex with a guy on film and then appeared in a Pauly Shore movie has the gaul to park his car outside of a pornography store and snap photos of its patrons in an attempt to close the place down? Because it offends him and contributes to "moral decay"?

With the exception of the Usual Suspects, Backdraft, The Hunt for Red October, and Beetlejuice, the Baldwin family is probably for more moral decay than any other family in movie history, except if Jimmy Fallon makes another movie.

The nerve of this guy; and his excuse is that he is a born-again Christian. All right, stop the presses! That's like saying it's ok to be a womanizing, alcoholic, cokehead, business failure, and then.... Forget it.

Double entendre

The Jets have hired a new coach, Eric Mangini, whose name is way too close to mangina for my taste. Wait, what did I just say?

Unless they have also hired a new quarterback, tight end, and running back, I'm preparing myself for another disasterous season.

On an unrelated note, my gym has a machine called the "Butt Blaster".

Words, between the lines of age

Knocking off "You can call us Aaron Burr by the way we dropping Hamiltons" and "I like them cute, round tits and fat asses, educated so I can bust up on their glasses", I nominate my favorite rap lyric of all time, from the song Grillz by Nelly:

"...Where I got 'em you can spot them
On the top in the bottom
Gotta bill in my mouth like I'm Hillary Rodham..."

Musings

- What the hell is with the current obsession with Chuck Norris? An article in the Times? Is it because his first name is Chuck? Did anyone see Missing in Action III or Invasion USA? I want those four hours back.

- I always get upset when I miss out on funny things like this, so I want to make sure others don't miss it. Germans love David Hasselhoff.

- I would imagine the worst possible thing to see when flipping through the channels would be your mother being interviewed on a street corner for Real Sex.

- And, while flipping through the channels and stumbling upon Real Sex, I watched in utter bliss as the interviewer asked a black man: "If the vagina were a fruit, what kind of fruit would it be?" Without missing a beat, the guy answered: "A watermelon!" You can't script stuff funnier than that.

Crazy as a loon

This Daily News article is, in a word, fabulous, and getting personally criticized by Vladimir Zhirinovsky has got to be the highlight of Condoleeza Rice's life.

One problem, though; the News says that Zhirinovsky's insults of Rice "surpassed his earlier screeds". All right, I know criticism of the Bush administration is verboten and may wind you up in a hole in Cuba, but how is insulting Condoleeza Rice with sexist comments worse than praising Hitler, suggesting the reannexing of Alaska, and unabashed anti-semitism? Oh, Rush and Malloy, you continue to let me down.

Favorite Zhirinovsky quote: "Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied." Vivid Video immediately began production on Cabinet Bukkake: Suckretary of State.

What the hell is going on?

Who's ready for some bad puns?

Evidently, the deer have finally had enough.

And why shouldn't they be pissed? They're stupid, constantly hunted, and I personally am responsibly for killing two of them with my car. Well, maybe one day deer will roam unfettered, free to crash through any plate glass window they please. Until then, pass the venison.

Joseph Biden (D-MSNBC)

All right, I'll admit that I have always been a fan of Joe Biden, despite the fact that his hair in constructed out of the same material used to make the roofs of gingerbread houses. He's smart, articulate on foreign policy, and rarely afraid to take a stand. However, his need to make a sound byte or appear in front of camera is the stuff of legends.

Today, he donned a Princeton baseball cap during the Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Sam "The Most boring man ever" Alito to make a point about.... Actually I have no idea. The purpose of his questioning made sense; Biden was trying to find out why Alito listed the archconservative organization "Concerned Alumni of Princeton" on his resume. To drive his point home, he placed on what appeared to be a newly purchased Princeton cap, which shattered his perfectly coiffed bouffant, sending shards of clay into the committee chamber, and injuring Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK).

Why did Biden put the hat on? Well, Joe knows how to get on TV, and of course many news shows ran with this ridiculous image of him smiling and joking with Alito while wearing this bright white hat. Always eager to come out ahead, I hear that Chuck Schumer will be appearing at tomorrow's hearing naked.

In other fun Alito news, the judge's wife left the proceedings sometime during the afternoon, after apparently being blinded by Joe Biden's teeth. No, seriously, she left because she was offended by the questioning of Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin, and by the fact that her name is Martha.

Rent Murderball

Rent Murderball.

I have nothing else to say.

Rent Murderball.

And hell followed with him

I am staying with parents for a spell before I venture off into another ultimately losing electoral effort, and this visit is good for a couple of reasons. First, and most importantly, free food. Every 25 year old's dream. All I have to do is do the dishes, take out the garbage, and change the occasional lightbulb, and I'm in kosher meat heaven! Yes, I know, one day I will become a fully functioning adult.

The second benefit of staying with my parents is that I am priviliged to be able to read the Ladies Home Journal and Woman's World when I am using the bathroom. Most men will read whatever is put in front of me in that room, and I am no exception. I have reread the same article on how to make the most efficient lunch sandwich for my children at least six times. One word: Wraps.

The final good thing is not so much a good thing as, well... a horrible thing. I saw the dentist and dental hygenist, or, as they're better known, the Boys from Brazil. I had not been to the dentist since I had graduate from college nearly four years ago, and, apparently, you're supposed to go a couple times a year. Who knew? Also, there's this product called floss that... wait, I think I'm moving too fast.

I went to the dentist for two reasons. First, I discoved a severe chip in my tooth that I think I suffered during a basketball game a few months back. Secondly, I enjoy being ridiculed, insulted, and stabbed by a woman I've never met before and having my manhood questioned by a guy I've known my entire life. It's envigorating.

So I get into the hygenist's chair, and I hear the words you never want to hear from anyone, especially a dentist, mechanic, or someone you're about to sleep with: "You haven't been here in a longgggg time..." So after she wiped away the cobwebs from my gums, she pulled out the standard issue CIA/Mossad/Hygenist torture kit and went sodering away.

I won't waste any time on the details of the cleaning/shellacing/grouting, but at one point, the radio started playing a song by Maroon 5, which firmly reinforced my theory that I was, indeed, in hell. Dante's 26th level is Maroon 5 in a dentist's office.

So she finished up, after complaining that she could, "no longer have her way with me", which for the first time in my life, had no sexual connotation. I was then blindfolded, my hands were bound, and I was led into the dentist's office, where he numbed my gums with what I think was candle wax and plunged a needle into my mouth. Surprisingly, his portion of the two and a half hour session was not painful, although at one point, he did say, "You're going to feel a little vibration..." Bullshit. The San Andreas shakes less than this device.

He filled in the chip, evened out a tooth that had been bugging me for years, and sent me on my numb, groggy, and bitter way. But, I did get a free toothbrush and this small box with string that I think you're supposed to use on your teeth... One step at a time I guess.

Are you a God?

Texas' Vince Young just threw 30-40 passes for 267 yards, and ran for 200 yards and scored three touchdowns including the game winner with 19 seconds left. Then he turned the Gatorade on the sidelines into wine and walked across the La Brea tar pits.

Holy shit this guy is good. And this wasn't a Vick game (run for 200 yards, throw 12-32 passes with 2 picks and 3 sacks) Young did not get sacked. It was as if he were two players. Just crazy. He easily picked up the Offensive MVP award.

Young also won the "Most likely to end up in an orgy with America's hottest girls" award, which has been previously presented to Joe Namath, Derek Jeter, Colin Farrell, and President William Jefferson Clinton. Think about it: Vince is in Los Angeles surrounded by thousands of slutty drunk girls who drove from Austin to see the game, as well as thousands of the normal slutty drunk girls who wander around the greater Los Angeles Metropolitan area. Oh dear.

Matthew McConaughey made a brief cameo as the camera panned towards the awards ceremony, in what I'd imagine was an attempt to cause the women in the stadium to remove all of their clothing. The camera quickly panned back to Vince Young, who was mentally calculating how acquiring every sexually transmitted disease known to man would affect his NFL career.

Also, it is definitely time for Keith Jackson to hang 'em up. Yao Ming could have called a more cogent game.

Aint no church bells ringing, aint no flags unfurled

I got dragged out to what i thought to be a kitschy Japanese horror movie with some of my idiot friends who are into all sorts of odd shit. I felt like getting out of the house because I have been a hermit since I quit smoking. This was the most disturbing shit I've ever seen. I have seen it and I feel like I could stand outside the theatre and hand out pro-life pamphlets.

In this lousy film with poor dialogue (subtitles) a woman cooks dumplings made out of human fetuses. It gets graphic. I am disgusted. That is all.

Happy New Year

After a very enjoyable sojourn in New York for New Years, I have returned to my undisclosed location to write occasionally funny things.

And 2006 got better than 2005 in just two days, when fellow Brandeis alum Jack Abramoff decided to cop a deal with the authorities to avoid spending 20 years in Federal Pound Me in the Ass prison.

As an added bonus, Abramoff has apparently become Sam Spade.