That's where you'll find me, along with lovers, fuggers, and thieves

With the exception of six very sweaty months living in New York City, I have lived my entire "adult" life in Boston. And I put adult in quotation marks because those who know me will certainly disagree on whether or not I'm actually an adult. Anyway, I digress. I grew up in the mountains of Upstate New York, went to college in suburban Boston, and have lived here (with the exception of the brief sojourn in the Upper West Side and very cold three months in New Hampshire) ever since.


So my decade long stay in Massachusetts as well as my complete allegiance to it has labelled me a traitor in certain circles, mostly comprised of people my age who grew up in Manhattan and can't stop talking about they grew up in Manhattan. All right, get over it, your parents are rich. Big deal. Smack talking about New York in these circles seems akin to antisemitism; I once said "I hate New York" and was actually asked to leave a party. Damn Jews.

"How could you hate New York?"

This question makes me laugh. I consider myself possibly the most opinionated person on the planet, and yet even I understand the idea of personal taste. Some places are just not for certain people. From everything I've ever heard about LA, it absolutely sucks, and yet 20 million people live there, so you figure it out. But since you asked:

It's hot
Last summer I used to change clothes at least twice a day. Inside or outside it didn't matter, something about the combination of steel buildings and souvlaki makes the entire grid in Manhattan a semiconductor. It is disgusting. Morning Subway rides should be used on terror suspects in Guantanamo Bay.

It's crowded
It doesn't matter where or when you decide to go anywhere, you are going to get delayed by a father in jean shorts and white socks and a mother in mom jeans and a fanny pack with sun glasses pointing their fingers directly upwards. Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side, West Village, it doesn't matter. Ironically, only Harlem is safe from these interlopers. And Midtown... Oh my god. I think there are two kinds of people in this world: those who like wax museums, and those who don't.

Douchebags
The Douchebag Volume Ratio (or DVR) is nearly at 1:1. Go down to any bar on Second Avenue, any bar in the Meatpacking District, or any bar named after an element of nature, and you're heading towards 5:1. I have vented about these people before (most notably here), but New York is their home base, their Mecca, their Brother Jimmy's. The East Village/Lower East Side is the best you're going to do, but I never really want a tattoo that badly and I don't like bars that have curtains that separate the rooms.

Upwardly gazing women
I don't need to elaborate at all on this. Needless to say, there are a lot of women in New York who are, how you say, interested in how much money men make. This guy breaks it down much better, chronicling experiences with a certain type of girl, native to New York, who I have had some dealings with while attending a particularly Jewish college. We'll just refer to it as Brandeis.

Those are simply some of the talking points. New York has its share of overwhelming positives, like the variety of food, public transportation, shopping, and a nightlife that stays open past 10:00 PM. In all of those categories, it easily trumps Boston. And the Mets play in New York, so that's another positive.

But none of that matters, I hate New York. It doesn't have Anna's Taqueria.

Evil don't look like anything

Good news for Saddam! Apparently the 100+ people he supposedly had executed in the early 1980's are still alive. A witness claimed that he had "eaten with" the alleged victims, although a translator later admitted that the witness actually claimed to have "eaten" the alleged victims, which clearly dealt a blow to the defense.

Saddam looked his normal jovial and GQ self, this time without his comedically large eyeglasses. We haven't heard that much from him lately, and this latest material sure is some of his funniest. Wait, this isn't a comedy routine but a trial of a mass murderer and former despot? Oh. Hussein also said that he trusted Americans more than he trusted Iraqis to fully investigate the crime. He cracks me up.

Wow

Courtesy of Wojo at Really Important Stuff, I bring you the greatest picture ever:


I really don't think this needs any further comment.

Like bookends

My vagabond lifestyle over the last several years has meant a lot of things; no apartment, a bursting-at-the-seams suitcase, a very odd sense of home, but most unfortunately, a loss of friends. I have learned very difficultly that a self insulated lifestyle means friends travel in and out of my life very quickly, and it takes a whole hell of a lot more than a phone call every couple of months to maintain that friendship. Sure, there are some friends out there whose lives you can drop in and out of, but there are others who need and deserve attention, and affection, and effort. And when you neglect them, well, you lose them. Over the next several months, some of these friendships will be refreshed, mostly in joyous occasions. My excitement is limitless.

Stay tuned tomorrow for something funny.

Friday news roundup

- General Michael Hayden was confirmed by the Senate 78-15 to be the next director of Central Intelligence. I'm going out on a limb here, but Russ Feingold might have been one of the no votes. Hayden will replace Porter Goss in scaring the hell out of the American public.

- Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling face life in prison after being convicted yesterday of securities fraud and generally being dickheads. Hooray! I am way more happy about this than I should be.

- President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair held a joint press conference where they discussed setbacks in Iraq and made everyone in America wish we had never declared independence from Great Britain. At one point, in a follow up to one of Blair's well crafted answers, Bush's only statement was: "That's a great answer. Next question."

- E! has begun airing the E! True Hollywood Story: Charles in Charge. There is no real news here, except Josie Davis who played Sarah is smoking hot. Like crazy hot. Like pantheon hot. Like Nicole Eggert hot. I need a date.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in

My sporadic (in humor's sense) posting on this space has had no excuse. I haven't been working; this should have been how I spent all my time. Crafting diatribes that would eventually go into a book, commenting on the absurdities of pop culture, honing my writing skills until I finally wrote that screenplay. Instead, I went for the easy jokes and was funny about 50% of the time. Hey, that's a better hit rate than Leno. But not as good as Craig Ferguson; he cracks me up.

Anyway, my long unsatisfying affair with unemployment is coming to a screeching halt. That's right, I got a job. Yes, a real one. I will be paid in US dollars, given a lot of vacation days, and provided with a service that I was previously unaware of called "Health Insurance"? Apparently, you can go to the doctor and he'll take of serious and not serious medical problems you have and not charge you a significant amount of money. Crazy, huh? Seems unamerican to me.

So, I'm very excited for the job, not only because I can finally get my knee looked at, but also because I'll have money again. Make that for the first time. I'll get a third pair of shoes and maybe even a new pair of slacks. I'll buy the expensive meat from the deli counter, not the moderately priced Star Market honey turkey. Sara Lee all the way. It's going to be a whole new me. Maybe I'll even start shaving every day because now I can afford to buy razor blades. The possibilities are endless.

But, I would imagine having something to do all day will also decrease the amount of effort I can put into writing this blog. All three of you will be very disappointed. I will do my best to try to write a post each night, but when you're living in a world with Sara Lee turkey, a third pair of shoes, and new pants, where does one find the time? I don't have time for pedestrian blogging anymore; I have to shave.

Bill Frist, Senator or God?

This post has been poached from other sources, but a story like this comes around once a decade. Senate Majority Leader and former heart surgeon Bill Frist occasionally lends his skill to the local Washington area zoos, an excellent nugget that was chronicled in the Washington Post.

There are some great quotes that give a glimpse into the amazingly frightening ego that is Bill Frist, but my favorite came from his wife, as the two discussed how he decided to be a heart surgeon:

"Well, your first patient was a dog," Karyn said. In medical school, Frist cut out a dog's heart and held it in his palm. It continued to beat for a slippery minute.

"Watching it beat, the beauty of it," Frist recalled. "I decided I would spend my life centered around the heart."

"And you didn't say 'I'll take some time off and be a politician' while you were holding the dog heart," Karyn said.

There are plenty of Republicans running for President in 2008, but none make me more uncomfortable than Bill Frist. He has created a whole other level of uncomfortability in me, actually; a feeling that I have never had about anyone in my entire life. President Bush probably believes that he is the messiah, but Bill Frist thinks he's one step up on that totem pole.

And then there were.... I don't know, 19? Is it 19? How many are we at now?

Several sources have confirmed rumors that Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd is seriously mulling a Presidential bid next year. The Hartford Courant wrote that Dodd will likely face questions "about his days in the 1980s, when he was divorced and known as a ladies' man." And now I'm going to need a minute. That's right folks, Politics: the only business where this guy can be considered a ladies man:


Seriously, a ladies man? Can we just think about how great it would have been to be a fly on the wall at a Georgetown bar in 1986 watching Chris Dodd and John Kerry try to pick up interns from UCONN and Tufts? That's it. I'm building a time machine.

I want to be on you

Dear girl who models different ironic one size too small t-shirts on Myspace each week:

I love you. I know this seems sudden, but I do. I love your gigantic smile, your perfect skin tone, your occasional bare midriff, your aforementioned too small t shirts, and most of all, your love of Anchorman. I know that we could spend hours saying, "Milk was a bad choice" back and forth to one another, and you would never get tired of it like all the other girls do. I know that rather then be wined and dined, you would much prefer to watch episodes of Entourage and drink Bud Light. I know that you don't care that I don't have any money, because our mutual love for obscure movie lines, brick walls, and train tracks will be enough to sustain us through the lean times.


You consider yourself a "nerd". You haven't read the Devil Wears Prada. You don't listen to Maroon 5. Your dog cannot fit in your purse. You dont even own a purse. You liked Rushmore. You order Pabst Blue Ribbon and love watching football. You have never set foot on Gansevoort Street. You have never said, "Ewww, I hate Bob Dylan's voice". You are not from Westchester County. You have never once seen American Idol. You didn't attend Syracuse, Lehigh, Indiana, Maryland, Brandeis, NYU, or Tufts. You do not know what a tartini is. You don't know what gefilte fish is. You know who Donald Rumsfeld is. You do not have a subscription to US Weekly. You have never had an Oscar party. You have never considered working in pharmaceutical sales. You don't know where the Hamptons are. You think Murray Hill is a small Midwestern college in a mid major conference.

Oh, girl who models different ironic one size too small t-shirts on Myspace each week, I know you are the perfect girl. You don't care what I do or where I grew up. You don't care that my last car was a 1993 Nissan Altima. You I are gonna get married on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside.


Love,
Dave.

A Very Special Sunday News Roundup

- First, in Republican talking point news:



Who doesn't have $90,000 in their freezer? I mean, then you know where it is, right?

I'm wondering how long until Sean Hannity starts saying: "This shows the corruption in Washington involves both parties." There are bad apples in every bunch, and Louisiana just happens to house a lot of them, but this is one guy (and that dem from West Virginia) vs. an entire culture of corruption on the other side, so let's hope that's the talking points the Democratic talking heads use this week.

As an aside, I had the great fortune to meet Congressman Jefferson in New Hampshire during the Democratic primaries, and I will sign an affidavit that he did not attempt to solicit a bribe from me.

- Barry Bonds hit his 714th and continually meaningless home run this weekend, and apparently Red Sox pitcher David Wells is not impressed. Hey! I don't care. In equally as interesting news, I am also not impressed.

- The Davinci Code premiered this weekend, and I had a nice run in with some Catholic protestors as I passed by the Loews Boston Common. They were carrying rosary beads, placards, and giant crucifixes (crucifixum?), and chanting various prayers. It's still just a movie and a poorly written book, right? Did I miss something? I don't think I noticed these moralists protesting at the factual inaccuracies in the Passion of the Christ.

Friday news roundup

- "I once constructed a car bomb this big. No, I'm not exaggerating." Seriously, Mohmar Qadhafi and Libya were given full diplomatic privileges by the United States, after agreeing to stop producing nuclear weapons and taking responsibility for the Pan Am 103 bombing in 1988. Please, please, please let this mean President Bush and Qadhafi will eventually hold a joint press conference. That would be the tops.

- President Bush layed out his immigration plan on Monday, spurring a seriously negative response from pretty much everyone on earth. The plan includes a guest worker plan, penalties for companies employing illegals, and I think T101's guarding the Mexican/American border, because really, it's not like terrorists have ever crossed into the US via Canada. What? Oh.

- The confirmation hearings of General Michael Hayden continued yesterday, where he was pressed about his role in the NSA wiretapping saga as well as his role in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark:


- And finally, in eerily reminiscent of late 1930's Germany news, a law passed in Iran would require Jews to wear yellow strips on their clothing and Christians would be forced to wear red badges. This should speed up the arrival of the "Ahmadinejad as Hitler" charts and graphs Condoleeza Rice has been preparing. However, speaking as a Jew and enormous skeptic of this administration, this scares the hell out of me.

But I can't even figure out just what the hell I'm all about

I've been called many things in my life, most recently and most voraciously, unstable. Not mentally. Anyway, I have had a hard time making decisions about the path my life will take, what type of work I will do, etc... And despite my insanely unstable and currently unemployed life, I have also been "busy" and unable to update this space as much as I would like. So, to those of you read this blog regularly, I apologize, and I'll make sure to call all three of you on the phone and fill you in on some recent jokes that I have come up with.

Open letter to Aaron Karo Vol. 2

Dear Aaron Karo:

I have previously devoted a rather annoyed screed at you on my extremely unread blog back in March, when I was not only once again greeted by another unfunny email from you via your listserv from which I have unsubscribed several times but also was jarred by your face on Boston.com. I figured that I would email you directly, because I was assured by your website that you, personally, read each and every email. Wow!!!

Despite my valiant efforts,, you are like the peddlers of cialis, rolex watches, and adjustable rate mortgages. I can't get rid of your emails no matter how hard I try. So, I ask of you two things. First, please remove my email address from your listserv one more time, and secondly, and I know this might be difficult, but please cease and desist in writing any columns, showing up on any shows on VH1, or pretty much showing up in public ever again. At this point, your presence only makes me believe that I could succeed in Hollywood as well, which will cause me to pursue a hapless and financially devestating pipe dream because I don't have rich parents who can support me while I hang out in LA and talk about things that interest no one.

So please, stop. Stop playing into the dreams of untalented writers everywhere who say: "Hey, if this dipshit can be famous, so can I". I know you and all of your friends are anxiously awaiting the premier of your 6 episode sitcom starring Michael Rappaport and Wayne Brady, but please, hang 'em up. You're providing no talent ass clowns everywhere false hope. And you're annoying me.


All the best,
Dave.

Hey, has anyone ever told you...

A large part of my adult life has been spent in bars. Because I currently live and have in the past lived in Boston, the majority of these nights featured Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me, Adam Vinatieri jerseys, and girls from Saugus named Marie. Wicked awesome, right? Typically, guys usually don't get approached in bars, unless they're wearing striped shirts and are buying every woman in sight a shot of Southern Comfort and lime. Obviously, women are almost always the target of attention and conversation, and in my experience, men are often surprised and flattered when they are approached, even if 1:15 at the Purple Shamrock isn't exactly the ideal time to meet your future wife.



I, on the other hand, have gotten used to getting approached in bars. And in restaurants. And at the grocery store. And on movie lines. And on the subway. And despite my constant need to be the center of attention in any situation, I'm getting tired of it. Now, a reader who doesn't know me may ask: are you really that good looking? Are you muscular, do you have a nice smile? Do you look like you might be able to pay for a girl's cab ride back out to Revere? I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but I do know that apparently, I resemble a certain celebrity who calls Boston his hometown. I won't go into specifics except to say it's Matt Damon.


Yeah.

Now that I've returned to Boston, I am told of my resemblance to Will Hunting no less than 4 times a week, usually by someone screamingly drunk. Beer goggles not withstanding, the comparison also seems to be a favorite among CVS counter people, subway conductors, and old men who hang out near the Central Square T stop. How have I not found a wife among this bunch?

Over the years, it has run the gamut. Unfortunately, I have somehow evaded "Hot women who like to have energetic sex with celebrity lookalikes" but as long as I stay in Boston for the rest of my life, I'm pretty sure I'll find one eventually. Or a girl from Saugus named Marie.

The comments usually come in one of three forms:

1) "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Matt Damon?"
No, you are the first person to interrupt my dinner and ask me that. I have never heard that ever in my life. Not once. How insightful.

2) "Say 'how do you like them apples!'"
Oh god, I hate this. In what way is this entertaining?

3) "You should be Matt Damon's stunt double!"
Hey, yeah! That's a great idea. Because I'm particularly athletic and enjoy getting thrown from buildings and lit on fire. I'm also sure that takes absolutely no training and guys can just walk on to the set of the Bourne Ultimatum. Sign me up.

Maybe I should just embrace my celebrity resemblance and use it to snag women, get tables at fancy restaurants, and generally be coddled by people in the food services industry. Or, maybe I should just ignore its usefulness and complain about it incessantly. Yeah I'll just do that second one.

Friday news roundup

- The front page of CNN reports that the Pentagon may be planning on helping secure the border against illegal immigrants. Why does this provide me with zero confidence? First of all, I'm not sure I'm fully on board with the idea of troops at our borders, but moreover, knowing this Defense Department, isn't there a good chance get confused and send troops to the Connecticut/New York border instead? Watch out, Danbury.

- President Bush will address the nation tonight regarding immigration, but I'm sure it's more geared around the most recent NSA silliness and the administration's belief that the American people need to see the President's face and receive some reassurance. Of what I have no idea. I'm planning a drinking game based around how many times the President will say some variation of: "Immigrants are a vibrant group and provide valuable contributions to our society".

- Paris Hilton has a video game. No, not a virtual sex game although I will say that there is definitely a market for that. She has a video game called "Jewel Jam", which while sounding like a porno title, has something to do with jewelry. Anyway, at an event to promote the game, Hilton appeared, called the game "DiamondQuest", and then left. That's hot.

- On a non-news related note, next week I plan on writing several substantive columns covering such issues as... Well, I have no idea, but they should be funny. Moderately funny, at least.

And now, a word from the President

Before I begin, the above picture from a press event where President Bush defended cataloguing every phone call made within the US on Thursday made me physically ill. Beyond their first names, the only other thing these two guys have in common is that neither of them served in Vietnam.

Now, I have written many posts on my overall distaste for the Bush administration, most notably here, here, and here. Over the years, however, I have found myself agreeing with the administration on many things. The Iraq war until they completely fucked everything up and torture are two examples. Actually, they are the only two examples. But my point is, the greatest problem I always had with the administration was a twofer; their arrogance and complete inability to admit when they are wrong as well as the disgusting techniques they used to question the patriotism of those who criticized them.

We all know the details of their latter strategy: "Do you hate America or just freedom in general?", Saxby Chambliss vs. Max Cleland, Bill Maher vs. ABC, George Bush vs. John Kerry, Dick Cheney vs. everybody. All of that is old hat; I'm not even surprised anymore when I hear some Republican Congressman from Georgia saying that a vote against repealing the estate tax "gives aid and comfort to our enemies."

And their first transgression has led us down the garden path and into the brambles that we find ourselves in today; in nearly every situation. Iraq, oil prices, interest rates, the environment -- you name it. But it is the President's arrogance that has finally sunk him; he is at 31% in the polls, with no solid support anywhere, despite a growing economy and incredibly low unemployment. Those numbers are amazing; voters almost always make decisions based on their pocketbook, and not withstanding an objectively booming economy (unrelated to the President) he is tanking. Why? Because bravado and cowboys hats cannot hide the truth forever.

Last week's enormous article in the Boston Globe is absolutely the shining example of Bush's mind numbing attitude. Beyond being the "Decider", he apparently wants to be the "Legislator", the "Adjudicator", the "Log Splitter", the "Dog Dropper", the "Pretzel Choker", and the "International Ally Alienator".

At the Democratic Convention in 2004, President Clinton said, "Strength and wisdom are not opposing values", which is just about the best summary of what was so wise about him and what is so foolish about the President Bush. We have failed in Iraq, and at least in the interim in the War on Terror because we have an administration which fails to see anything in terms other than black and white and good and evil, and refuses to ever change course.

This is beyond a political, strategic, military, or diplomatic problem. This a personal and psychological problem that the President has. Last year, he couldn't come up with one mistake that he made in the 5 years he had been in office. To me, that almost speaks more about his character than half of the decisions he has made while President. He is a faux cowboy, first and foremost. He is Connecticut bred thug, a Yale educated incompetent gangster, a rich elitist Texas tiger.

While listening to one of my favorite songs the other day, I couldn't help but listen to the final verse and think of our own (cough) Commander in Chief, who should have used the ballad as his campaign theme song:

To all you Republicans, that helped me win
I'd sincerely like to thank you
'Cause now I got the world swingin from my nuts
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Party and Bullshit

It's a big week for me. I turned 26 on Sunday, and I would like to extend a big thank you to all of you out there who took the time to read the birthday updates on Friendster and Myspace and send me a message. I really appreciate it. I had a great weekend, highlighted by twelve hours of revelry on Friday and a 1-10 performance in a softball game on Saturday.

The blog also reached its highest level of readership, which, to be honest, is not that impressive because it's not that difficult to have more readers than 5. But, my recent post on Myspace apparently struck a chord with meatheads throughout Bergen, Passaic, Westchester, Rockland, Nassau and Suffolk counties, and I attracted some attention that way.

I have a rather stressful final interview on Thursday that I am huddled preparing for, so Moderately Effed will be taking a break until the end of the week, when I will undoubtedly return to the pedestrian levels of traffic that I am accustomed to. Wish me luck!

Bush selects Anakin Skywalker to lead CIA; Boba Fett irate

President Bush selected Porter Goss' replacement, naming Air Force General, Bush loyalist, and former NSA director Michael Hayden to be the brand new scapegoat director of the CIA. Once again, Bush apparently doesn't care what anyone thinks, as leaders in both parties objected to his nomination, Democrats because he directed the Bush administration's wiretapping operation, and Republicans because they are concerned with that his allegiance to the military might be too strong. Bush went with Hayden because his previous nominee was deemed unconfirmable:


The leftist nutjobs are abuzz because of his involvement in the wiretapping fiasco, but, and this is 100% true, Hayden claims that his technical experience is incredibly limited and that he can't even "program his VCR". Well, I'm convinced.

Friday news roundup

- Rhode Island Congressman and noted wino Patrick Kennedy got into an accident early Thursday morning outside the Capitol Building. Hey, I won the pool! Cops at the scene reported that Kennedy was stumbling around and smelled of liquor, while Kennedy said that he had not consumed any alcohol before the accident. Hey, I won the pool!

Matt Drudge jumped all over this baby and published this headline, apparently recycled from July of 1969:


- In what I'd imagine is an attempt to win "Stupidest political controversy of 2006", President Bush this week decreed that the Star Spangled Banner should be sung in English, and that Americans "ought to learn English". No word on when the President will learn English.

- Bush's literal attack dog was at it again this week, as Vice President Cheney bashed Russia for its human rights abuses. Wait a minute here, how many countries can we tangle with at one time? Somebody call Wolfowitz, we've got another war to bungle!

Myspace

Myspace.com has been in the press a lot lately, mostly due to school shooters, stalking, and pedophiles. To be honest, I'm proud to be in the same social network with the future murderers and rapists of America. Maybe, if I'm lucky, one of them will be in a band and ask me to be their friend.

And, despite its good qualities like the ability to track ex-girlfriends and crushes and kids you went to camp with in 1986, the bad qualities, like the overwhelming addiction, penchance for ego stroking, and the aforementioned pedophilia, outweigh the good. Which doesn't bother me, because I'm addicted. And I have a massive ego. And I'm a pedophile. Ha ha. Just kidding. My ego is well under control.

With the evolution of the internet comes the evolution of how mindblowingly annoying human beings can be. And Myspace, like Friendster and email before it, allows humans to stretch to new heights of dickitude and obnoxiousness. Some call it creativitity and uniqueness, I call it fantastic writing material. Here's a bit of what I'm talking about:

1. The guy who keeps posting bulletins:
All right, once in a while is ok, but like all humans, I can't stand filling out applications and surveys. Not this guy. And he doesn't keep them to himself, he posts them so I'm forced to look at them when I do my daily stalking. I don't care what your first pet's name was. I don't care if you have a special crush on someone. Under no circumstances would I ever need to know what movie you saw last or about the time you snuck out of your house with Tina and Brittany. And I think it's pretty obvious from the amount of time that you spend on Myspace that your relationship status is : "Single, but waiting for the right girl!"


2. The topless/sleeveless guy
Slightly easy to spot, this is usually reserved for guys named Mitch, Derek, or Lance. These guys are eagerly awaiting the results of their application to Elimidate as well as their bidaily Hepatitis tests. Bonus points if they have pictures where they are topless with any other guys, minor celebrities, have any picture taken in Miami, Vegas, or the Meatpacking district, or use any variation of the phrase: "Just me and the boys, partying it up like usual! Paramus crew 4 life!" Extra bonus points if there is not earthly reason why they have no shirt on, like if the picture was taken at their office or a funeral. Super bonus points if "I work hard but play harder" appears anywhere on their profile.


3. The slutty girl
I enjoy these most of all, for obvious reasons. Her profile usually includes how she loves Maroon 5, her puppy (whom she refers to as her baby), and "hangin out with my girlz" (with a z). Most enjoyable if there is also a picture of her kid somewhere in the profile, with the quote: "My daughter is my life", directly next a photo of her about to be tagteamed in a bathroom in Milwaukee. Even better if there is a picture of her and her parents next to a picture of her kissing a girl with the caption: "Crazy days!!! Luvv u Jenn!!! :)"



4. The teenage girl
I'm not sure how a 16 year old girl owns more albums or has a bigger vocabulary than I do while simultaneously making me feel sexually uncomfortable, but on Myspace, anything is possible. Somehow a high school junior has had enough life experiences to be so ethereal that she only speaks in Elliott Smith song lyrics and only appears in black and white photographs. Each photo must contain a cigarette or wine glass. Lips must be pursed at all times and in at least 50% of the photos she is either wearing a hoodie or laying on her bed.

Other quick hits:
- The guy with extraordinarily loud techno music on his profile
- The girl/prostitute with the webcam who wants to be your "friend"
- The guy whose profile design slows down your computer

I want mashiach now, time to start revealin

Orthodox Judaism teaches that a messiah will come to earth and bring peace to the world. Christianity teaches that Christ will return to earth and deliver the righteous from evil. Regardless of the religious differences that define these views, it is clear that all religious and cultural groups will agree that our savior has arrived. That's right. Mr. T is returning to television as an inspirational speaker and advice giver.


T will be appearing on "I Pity the Fool" which will air on TV Land, presumably causing over 100 million TV viewers to simultaneously call their cable providers and subscribe to TV Land. One can wonder what wonders and treasure that T will bring? The end to world hunger? A healing of race relations in the United States? A unilateral nuclear disarmament of Iran? An A-Team reunion sans Hannibal? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Musings

- Apparently, not only are Americans fat and lazy and generally poor at academics, but they also have never looked at a map. 66% of Americans between 18 and 24 can't find Iraq, and 33% can't find find Louisiana. I guess that's ok because President Bush couldn't either. Rimshot!

- The UN Security Council has drafted a resolution demanding Iran halt their puruit of nuclear weapons. That worked so well with Iraq; this can't miss! Not surprisingly, Russia and China are hestitating getting on board because they would suffer from potential economic sanctions. And because they're the ones who have been giving Iran nuclear weapons technology. Let's hope this all works out.

- I love the honor system that supermarkets have embraced with the self checkout aisle. Each time I go I know that I'll be saving at least a couple of dollars by lowballing how many apples I'm buying. Take that, Shaws! That will teach you to place even a modicum of trust in human beings.

- Oh, Sopranos actors, how far you have fallen. This week alone, Tony's bodyguard Perry and pussyrific Chef friend Artie were both arrested, for breaking and entering and assault and drunk driving, respectively. And throw in previous arrests for AJ, Big Pussy, and that kid who played the radio operator in Crimson Tide. Just when you thought you knew these guys. Personally, I was more upset by Bobby Bacala's appearances on Spike TV, any interview with Lorraine Bracco, and Jamie Lynn Sigler's marriage.

- Sense of humor still gone. Somebody help me.

Wild Things

My favorite story of the week involves the ongoing divorce drama of noted prostitute fan Charlie Sheen from large breasted Denise Richards, who have been engaging in an on again-off again sexfest for the past couple of years. Richards recently accused Sheen of emotional and physical abuse, and Sheen, who spent the late 80's and early 90's having sex with strippers, porn stars, prostitutes, doing cocaine and shooting Kelly Preston, denied any wrongdoing.


Here is a recap of Richards' charges against Sheen:

- Accused Sheen of looking "at gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults."

- Accused Sheen of joining websites where he "looked for women to have sex with" and maintained an online profile featuring a photograph of "his erect penis."

- Accused Sheen of visiting websites "which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other."

- Accused Sheen of leaving her several abusive messages, including one where he "called her a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger".

Wow. Well first of all, Charlie seems to have a lot of time on his hands to browse the internet. And coming from someone who is surgically attached to his laptop, that's saying something. And of course the pictures he was looking at weren't of gay adults. Charlie's not gay! He's a pedophile. I did find it curious that Denise seemed so offended by Charlie visiting lesbian barely legal sites; I think we all saw Wild Things. In fact I own it. Also, I think Charlie might want to consult a thesaurus. Unless he intended to say that she was a golddigger.

Isn't this just the feel-good story of the year? And by feel-good I mean the exact opposite.

A very special Monday News Roundup

The weekend is usually a slow time for news except for Vice Presidents shooting old men in the face, but this weekend brought a few pretty notable happenings.

- The annual White House Correspondent's dinner was held this weekend, where President Bush made oh-too-truthful jokes about his incompetent leadership. What a cutup. Stephen Colbert was the featured performer, presumably because Bo Derek and Chuck Norris were unavailable, but the highlight of the evening was the appearance of Steve Bridges, famed Bush impersonator.


Be afraid, folks, we've either just seen the reason why President Bush will reverse his position on cloning or the beginning of a Condoleeza Rice wet dream.

Also, gotta love the juxtaposition of President Bush yukking it up at a fancy dinner the night before an enormous grassroots demonstration on the genocide in the Sudan. Oh by the way, thanks George Clooney, as if you weren't attractive and distracting enough to every woman in the world already, you go ahead and do this. It's time for the rest of us to just give up.

- While vacationing in Fiji, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree. No, that's not a metaphor. The money quote:

According to New Zealand's Sunday Star-Times, Richards fell out of a coconut tree and suffered a serious headache, but he still had the energy to jump on a jet ski and get into another accident.

Are we at the point in Keith Richards' life where we can positively state that he made a deal with the devil in the early 1960's and that he will live a couple hundred of years?

- Susan Sarandon claimed in a recent interview that she received death threats for her public opposition to the Iraq War. Personally, I think it was because of her appearance in Alfie.