Moderately Effed

Knock 'em out the box, Rick

2012-01-04T01:46:00.003-05:00

Turn that frown upside down, one of Rick Santorum's 16 children....

Here's something I never thought I would write or hear: I think Rick Santorum may have just won the Iowa Caucuses.

As I write this, at 1:50am EST, Rick is on the cusp of the strangest and closest Iowa upset since Ron Paul said "Thanks, Ohio!" earlier tonight. Mitt is currently leading by one vote.

Here's what I wrote about Rick five years ago:

"Incumbent Rick "The Haircut" Santorum is facing Bob "I am so a democrat" Casey in the most gratifyingly lopsided contest of the cycle. Santorum has been in the Senate for 12 years and is trailing by double digits in most polls. It's all so sweet. Highlights of the last six years include Santorum claiming we had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Santorum saying women belong in the home, and Santorum using the phrase "man on dog" in public. See ya on the 700 club!"

So, I guess I was wrong?

Anyway, Mitt Romney gave literally the most uninspiring speech I've ever seen him give (which is a high bar), Newt insulted Romney, Perry effectively dropped out, and Bachmann read off a script and said nothing.

A long, long time Blago

2011-12-07T13:53:00.003-05:00

Former Illinois Governor/pottymouth Rod Blagovegich has finally come face to hair with justice, getting 14 years in prison on corruption charges. Here's the funniest photo of him I could find:

I remember the day he was indicted like it was yesterday, in fact it was almost three years ago to the day. What a world we lived in then... Bush was President, Michael Jackson was alive, I had a sense of humor. And now, so much has changed.

You ain't worth spit, just a memory

2011-12-05T18:51:00.003-05:00

It's been two years since I've written in this space, and in the psych ward that it is the Republican primary, it was the news that Dan Quayle was endorsing Mitt Romney that finally shook me awake.

Who cares? Was he ever popular? What did he bring to the 1988 or 1992 tickets? Does anyone remember either of those campaigns? Are there Iowa voters who have been sitting on their hands, just waiting for this news? Is Dan Quayle some sort of movement leader?

Thanks Mitt, for getting this critical endorsement. Because I think this did it. Not Herman Cain and the debates, not Rick Perry, whose name I can barely hear without getting nauseated. Not Newt Gingrich leading in the polls for god's sake. But Dan Quayle endorsing Mitt Romney -- that's what made me write again.

Obviously, however, the endorsement has not made me funny again. That will come in time.

Wearing the 45

2010-01-11T22:44:00.003-05:00

I thought I had taken a permanent break from this space, but CNN's Unintentionally Hilarious Headline Generator (CNNUHHG) brought me back:

And where the hell was I?

2009-05-29T09:55:00.006-05:00

My 5 loyal readers (and the 5 people a day who find this site while looking up a quote from Blues Brothers):

Yes, I still have a blog.

I've been fighting this for a long time, but it's time for me to close up shop. I'd like to say that I've been busy with other projects, things within my real life, but in actuality I just haven't been motivated to write. Things haven't been as funny to me, I guess? I blame Barack Obama.

I will, however, return to updating my as of late dormant pretentious photo-blog, Everyone thinks they can be a photographer.

Thank you for reading, especially to those of you who would comment and who read even when I was patently unfunny. Phil (Phil? You've changed, man) PK (my cowriter on the 2013 romantic comedy "Mismatch" starring Kate Hudson and Verne Troyer), MGriff (Guys night!) Shannon (most frequent commenter), Wiley Romo (my earliest fan), Amy (the only member of the actual media to read this space), Rom (my furthest away reader)Michelle (You fine), Decline (who praised me more than I ever deserved), KO (for the title), Josh (the naturally funniest person I know), Darren (my earliest writing partner)

In order to generate some last minute site traffic, and because I enjoy reading my own written word, here is a quick list of my favorite posts over the past three and a half years:

- The best use of a song title in a post (not a good piece of writing)

- A screed about how much I sweat

- A preview of McCain's VP possibilities

- Barbara Walters, homewrecker

- Mitt's sexual pecadillos and Zombie Reagan

- Why Barack?

- Spam of the day

- A democratic roundup

- Zombie Reagan

- Karl Rove, rapper

- A post about my hometown's struggles

- President Bush, douchebag

- My take on religious traditions

- My hero Bill Clinton

- My love letter to the Myspace T-shirt girl

- A post (about the New York Post) featuring the funniest joke I've ever written

- People you might find on Myspace (my most popular post)

- The post that got me on Wonkette!!! (i'm pathetic)

- Bumper sticker ideas

- My favorite post

- My quest to destroy a Jeopardy Teen Tournament participant

- Egotastic!

- The 2006 State of the Union!

- 2008 Presidential candidate preview (circa 2006 - Part 1, Part 2)

Thank you for reading, and for the compliments, and for telling me when I wasn't funny.

Si Se Puede!

2009-05-26T08:49:00.004-05:00

Barack Obama has made his pick for Justice Souter's replacement, and.... she's a Latino!!! And she's a she! Hooray, we've achieved racial harmony.

The next Justice is Sonia Sotomayor, who also has the added benefit of sounding like a television news reporter and maintaining the oft forgotten quota of justices whose last name begin with "S" (still at 3)

I know very little about her except that one conservative guy thinks she's a dummy and she went to Yale Law (safety school). Also she plays poker.

Douche or Douchebag

2009-05-13T15:18:00.001-05:00

All right, that's it, I'm done

2009-05-04T14:12:00.004-05:00

Whoa.

I know I've given up on the media before, but I think this is really it.

Money quotes from the article:

"The never-before-seen virus was created when genes from pig, bird, and human viruses mixed together inside a pig. Experts fear the virus that has gone from humans back into pigs in at least one case could mutate farther before crossing back into humans again. But no one can predict what will happen."

Well, that's excellent. So a farmer had a threesome with a chicken and a hog and ok nobody knows what's next.

Agriculture officials believe the worker may have sneezed or coughed near the pigs, possibly in a barn.

Right. If by sneezed you mean violated by barn you mean, well, probably in the barn.

Ummm...

2009-05-03T14:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to ask any questions on this one.

What?

2009-05-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

What the what? What? What? Souter? What?

That's right, Souter's retiring, I'm guessing to hang out in New Hampshire and think about stuff?

Lost song of the day

2009-04-30T17:10:00.001-05:00

Bruce Springsteen -- "When You're Alone" off Tunnel of Love

Bruce Springsteen is another musician about which I have a bone to pick with my mother. I have previously discussed on this space my father's vast musical knowledge of every song recorded from 1960-1966 (and his total disinterest of all music that came after that) and my mother's broad musical interests that made me curious and the music fan that I am.

So it is her that I relied upon for exposure to rock and folk from 1967 going forward. And she typically delivered, but failed miserably by never listening to Bruce Springsteen, who I really discovered about 10 years ago, but didn't fully appreciate until the last few years. So, thanks mom. I missed out on 15 years of Backstreets and Jungleland.

It's cliche to talk about the deep emotional place Bruce was in when he wrote Tunnel of Love -- it's all over the internet, the songs are soaked with loneliness and despair (amazingly even moreso than albums like Born to Run of Darkness on the Edge of Town). "One Step Up" might be the gem of the album, but "When You're Alone" is my favorite.

Sometimes it's Bruce's storytelling that I really love, the narrative. Sometimes it's the overly cheesy lyrics (like in Born to Run), usually it's the music and the energy. On this song, though, it's his ability to succinctly hammer home a theme, both by repeating "When you're alone, you're alone" over and over again, and by delivering one of my favorite of his lyrics, "And man, I was gone, gone, gone"

I can't get enough of this song.

Note: the above photo shows Bruce at his absolute preeningest. It is both awesome and hilarious.

Incorrect priorities?

2009-04-30T15:09:00.002-05:00

Perhaps a better ban might be on the rampant, dirty, sweaty, energetic, drunk, unprotected sex that surrounds Northeastern campus as a whole (or as a hole) during Senior Week? My guess is shaking hands is literally the most insignificant amount of physical contact any of these students are having (with the exception of computer science majors and anyone on the fencing team)

Douche or Douchebag

2009-04-29T14:18:00.002-05:00

Following yesterday's post on Spencer, Heidi, and Rod Blagojevich and their epic match of "Douche or Douchebag", I decided to make it a regular segment. The first contestants?

Peace at last

2009-04-29T08:40:00.000-05:00

A travesty

2009-04-28T12:10:00.005-05:00

Special thanks to longtime reader and friend of the blog KO for pointing out this story, and for also being the inspiration for my most longwinded post ever on this space, and for helping me create the title of this blog...

It's official folks, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-oes anyone want to buy a fucking Senate seat) will not be allowed to travel to Costa Rica to play a role in the reality series, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!".

Fortunately, he did appear in a photo shoot, which caught Blago and walking genitalia Spencer and Heidi right before a rousing game of "Douche or Douchebag"

The photo has the strange quality of making it appear that everyone has been photoshopped in. I'm surprised at a lot of things. First, that Blago hasn't been forced to pawn off all of his suits, second that I even have a passing knowledge of who the other two human sewers are, and third that Spencer and I both own pink shirts.

Once again, the producers of this show are using the term celebrity a little loosely. Stephen Baldwin (shockingly available) is the leader of this Algonquin round table, and has offered to fly to Chicago to plead with a judge to allow the Gov to leave the states and film the series. Baldwin has taken to wearing a pin that says, and I'm not kidding, "Leggo my Blago"

I'll let Blago leave us with an (unbelievably) undoctored quote...

"I sold myself on the idea that this would be the way to be a modern day Teddy Roosevelt.

He went to South America and charted a river that hadn't been charted. In my little way I could be like somebody and be like Teddy Roosevelt and be in the jungle only I'd have the advantage of being with interesting celebrities."

In your face.... whoever is running the Republican Party... I don't know, Charlie Crist?

2009-04-28T11:09:00.005-05:00

Yes! This means it will be much easier to authorize whatever kind of witchcraft economics Tim Geithner is cooking up in his forehead factory.

Personally I love it because it will be fun to see all the Republican Senators who have pulling punches for years on him suddenly start going knives out. You know, because a two time cancer survivor is such a good target. Can we make him a war-hero too? That would make great Hannity fodder.

Lost song of the Day

2009-04-21T17:18:00.002-05:00

Fleet Foxes -- "Mykonos" off Mykonos EP

I suppose that it's pretty silly for me call any song by the Fleet Foxes a lost song because they have recorded about 13 songs, and because ever Tom, Dick, and hipster ranked eponymously named album Fleet Foxes as the album of the year for 2008, but I'm fine with it.

The Fleet Foxes album is very good -- I'm not sure I would put it at album of the year level but then again I listen to albums 3 or 4 tracks at a time so I'm a bad judge of that kind of thing. I enjoyed most of the songs, particularly White Winter Hymnal which made me think very happily of the Beach Boys.

I heard Mykonos for the first time on Saturday Night Live, which is itself interesting as a lot of bands won't do new material on SNL and I usually have to DVR an episode of Conan to see a performance of a good indie band. Their performance was good and this song is my favorite by them now. The acapella piece of the song, starting at 2:13, is the most memorable, and rocking, part.

Nabroleon and Brosephine

2009-04-20T15:42:00.002-05:00

I kept quiet on the teabagging and Bobama, but the Chavez-Obama "Hug it out, bitch" moment could not escape my radar.

Obviously, I have no problem with President Obama meeting Hugo Chavez, shaking his hand, maybe grabbing a quick drink, maybe helping him move, maybe driving him to the airport, maybe catching a soccer match, , maybe asking him to join the President's weekly hoops game, maybe asking him about what grill he should buy, or maybe discussing cell phone providers or routes to work.

My problem is: goddamnit Barack why are you so much cooler than me? Here you are, making acquaintance with a guy who would probably like the United States destroyed, and you greet him like your college roommate? Does anything phase you? Is there ever a time when you think, hey, maybe I should turn off the cool switch and be a little stiffer?

Don't touch him on the arm, don't grip his hand like you're pulling Courtney Cox up on to stage during Dancing in the Dark. The guy is a dictator. Shake his hand, say a vague pleasantry, that's it.

Well, I think I'll just head over to CNN for a minute and HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

2009-04-16T14:32:00.003-05:00

Who knew Larry King liked to smoke?? Zing!

But he ain't no criminal, and his crime, it is none

2009-04-16T09:03:00.004-05:00

So while I was browsing Boston.com yesterday (I just love that Dan Shaughnessy!) I came across an article detailing the brutal and bizarre murder of a prostitute at the Marriott Hotel in Copley Square. Last night, friends sent me a few pictures of the accused killer, who looks a little too much like me.

For the record, on Tuesday night I was watching 90210 in the comfort of my own home in Somerville, celebrating Donna Martin's triumphant return to Beverly Hills. Apparently she's a high powered clothing designer now. How could I know that if I was shooting a hooker in downtown Boston?

Bad choice

2009-04-15T09:48:00.004-05:00

While every Senate race pits one douchebag against one slightly less douchebag, this never-ending Minnesota Senate campaign has featured two of the most unlikeable people on the planet, Al Franken and Norm Coleman.

Personally, I would like both of them to lose and for either Walter Mondale, Kevin McHale or Bob Dylan to take office, but occasionally I live in reality so I've come to accept the fact that Al Franken is going to be a United States Senator. Oh my god.

Aside from Jimmy Fallon, Dane Cook, Glenn Beck, and JD Hayworth, I can't think of too many people in the public eye that I like less than Norm Coleman. It's visceral for me, starting with the end of the 2002 Senate race and bleeding throughout Iraq and the second Bush administration. He is a political opportunist, an unprincipled goon. And he looks like some sort of stretched out Jimmy Carter cross breeded with a pencil eraser.

Franken, on the other hand.... Where do I start? His performance as a baggage handler in my second favorite movie of all time, Trading Places, should earn him a pass in my book and lifelong support for all of his endeavors. And usually, anyone who engages in a fued with Bill O'Reilly is my kind of guy (except when Steve Doocy and O'Reilly have their weekly Numbskull-off competition).

But, Franken's a dick, so there that goes. He's meanspirited, and conniving, and a lot of time cruel. Despite his intelligence, he goes for the easy political joke and is rarely particularly insightful. Plus, I'm still not behind this whole "I have zero business, government, military, or political training but I want to be a Senator/Governor/President" idea.

Of course, I would vote for Dane Cook if he was running against Norm Coleman, so regardless of my personal antipathy for Franken, I suppose I'm at leastly slightly satisfied to know that Coleman will be relegated to making $50,000 on the lecture circuit.

Wait.

Lost song of the day

2009-04-01T12:17:00.004-05:00

- Eminem -- "Murder, Murder" off Next Friday Soundtrack

Anyone who knows me, even casually, knows that for some reason, I have a weird obsession with the the Notorious BIG. I was a relatively big hip hop fan through college, and, inexplicably, had a hip hop radio show that ran from midnight-2:00 on Thursday nights, which, in retrospect, is hilarious.

Anyway, my devotion to BIG led me to other hip hop, particularly Tupac, Dr. Dre, and Eminem. Dre came out with Chronic 2001 just as I was really getting into hip hop, right around the same time Eminem was releasing the Slim Shady LP.

This song is fantastic, it's slow for Eminem, but he keeps his playful lyrics and dark themes, and has a great backbeat and synthesized music. Plus it has Tupac sampled in the chorus, and a great final line, "I surrendered my weapon to cops, it wasn't me, it was the gangsta rap and the peppermint schnapps"

Words... Words...

2009-03-24T15:02:00.001-05:00

Here's a headline I probably would have edited.

I don't know what I'm to say, I'll say it anyway

2009-03-20T15:51:00.008-05:00

Hey, Mr. President, what the hell are you doing?

Let's give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you weren't saying that your bowling performance was like the "Special Olympics", you were saying it was like the special "Olympics", you know, because the Olympics only comes around every 4 years and therefore its special. And for retards.

Why don't you stick to interviews with Andy Katz where you fill out a comically sized NCAA tournament bracket and pretend that your final four picks aren't politically motivated.

What the hell is going on with Igoogle?

2009-03-17T10:44:00.003-05:00

Last week as I was watching my vast stock portfolio dwindle away from my google homepage, I noticed that Celine Dion's face adorned the top banner. Revolted and a little woozy, I made note of it.

So, the next day, Celine Dion was back, giving a come hither look that had the same effect on me as chemical castration. And then the next day, and the next day.

Today, I get Faith Hill??

Now at least Faith Hill is hot, but what in my browsing habits is giving google the notion that this is what I'm interested in? Or, is Google just putting these images everywhere?

He beat me... Straight up

2009-03-16T15:40:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, I ran a 5k road race in my neighborhood in Somerville. It started at 11:00am and I was enjoying my first Guinness by 11:45. I then drank for 11 hours.

The race itself was great; 4000 people ran and the weather cooperated. I ran my best pace time ever. At about mile 2, however, something bizarre happened, coincidentally as we ran right past my apartment. At mile 2, I was passed by a man in a lime green body suit.

As this mass flew past me on my left, I audibly screamed, "No way", letting my fellow runners that I was not going to get beat by this... thing. So, I upshifted and started running as fast as I possibly could for several hundred feet, and kept pace with him as we started the final hill of the run.

Well, he must have had some extra fuel in the tank because he absolutely took off, vanishing into the crowd ahead of me and not reappearing until after the race had ended. I had a lot of questions... should I give up recreational running? Should I give up going anywhere in public? How was he able to see -- that suit had no eye holes???

After crossing the finish line, I made my way through the crowd and towards the bar, and passed a man in a bear costume, and overheard another runner saying, "Well, at least I beat the bear..."

A man in a bear costume also beat me? I couldn't, and didn't accept that. Since the bear never passed me on the course, I will just assume that he started way before me and that we had at least comparable finish time. Unfortunately, there is no way to confirm that as the results page don't list the bear and I don't know his real name.

This was not my most embarrassing "Passed by a costume" experience -- in December on a race on the same course, right around the same point I was passed by a man in giant gingerbread man costume, at least 6 and a half feet tall. He was carrying a 3 foot long candy cane.

Yeah he is!

2009-03-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

Vulgar, when brought to light

2009-03-13T15:26:00.002-05:00

Hahahaha, abortion.

I hate Foxnews. If they're trying for a funny headline, my two suggestions would 1) be funny and 2) don't talk about abortion. Maybe a sports joke, something like: "It's curtains for Steele" or "Steele curtained?". Perhaps a food pun: "Steele Cutlet". I got loads of these.

And so it goes

2009-03-12T14:35:00.004-05:00

The big news of the day? The political sham relationship between Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston has ended.

"I still hate you."

Ah yes, the fairy tale engagement, which only happened because John McCain for some reason chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, is over. Bristol Palin can go back to caring for her son (and perhaps her other son), and Levi Johnston can go back to doing whatever people do in Alaska, I don't know, fish?

Throughout all of this nonsense during the campaign, I think I felt the worst for Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin (well probably Trigg, actually). Here are two teenagers who have sex like all teenagers do (except me) and whoops, they get pregnant. What then should have been a completely private matter between the two of them and some sled dogs becomes a national news story; they are no longer allowed to decide if they want to keep the baby and are forced to marry probably the first person they've ever slept with.

For political purposes, this chucklehead Levi Johnston gets paraded around the RNC as an example of I have no idea what, and every move this guy makes is pretty much dictated to him for three months because he had sex with his girlfriend. Then, the campaign ends, the baby is born, and he can go back to his hockey.

The tumult that political children go through is pretty much never-ending; Chelsea Clinton went through a pubescent nightmare in front of the country among others. But Bristol Palin? What could she have ever expected in terms of press and notoriety, a photographer snapping a picture of her having some spiked cider at the Iditarod? She wasn't groomed like the Bush daughters and Chelsea Clinton were, always having to be on guard and always knowing there was a next step up.

Ah, young love... oh, wait, I mean young fucking. That's right, young fucking.

Oh, name

2009-03-11T11:10:00.002-05:00

While the seemingly never-ending parade of rejected Obama nominees (Daschle, Gregg, El Gobernardo Gordo cona una barba) has proven to be a messy thorn in the President's side, he has come through the cabinet process relatively unscathed, which is great because he needs all of the political capital he can muster to take money from white men and give it to illegal day laborers.

I was ok with the losses of Daschle, etc... but after the withdrawal of intelligence chief pick Chas Freeman, I am inconsolable. How can Americans go on after they realize they have been denied the opportunity to have a guy named Chas at the highest echelons of government?

He could have worn a leather jacket. He could have bullied the young aides in the White House Press Office. He could have made Jill Biden uncomfortable. Where will we go for the Obama adminstration douchebag?

Oh, right, Rahm Emmanuel.

Lost song of the day

2009-03-10T12:10:00.003-05:00

- The Swingin' Medallions -- "Double Shot (Of my baby's love)" off Double Shot

My mother probably has the best musical taste of anyone I know. She raised me on the The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, CCR, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Bob Dylan, and Fleetwood Mac, but she wasn't at all stuck in the 60's and 70's. She constantly bought new folk and rock albums and would stay up to watch Conan O'Brien for the musical guests. While her musical tastes kept evolving, she remained rooted: she has always been convinced that The Who and the Kinks are the best rock bands in history. I feel like my love of music, of lyrics and intonation, of energy, came from her, so when I hear both old and new music I'll often think of her and think about whether or not she would like it.

These guidelines she set for me also meant that I missed out on a lot of music growing up -- she never listened to Bruce Springsteen or David Bowie. Two years ago I called her specifically to ask her why she never played any Velvet Underground. So those would all come to me later.

My father, on the other hand, stopped accepting new music into his brain sometime in 1969. He listened to the Beach Boys, and Tom Rush, and early Beatles. The latest song I've ever heard him really like was "The Weight" by the Band, which is fair because it's probably just about the best song ever recorded. Because his car radio was glued to the Oldies station for my entire childhood, and there was such a limited catalogue of popular music recorded from 1955-1965, I learned all of those songs back and forth like he did.

This song definitely comes from my dad's camp; it has silly and evocative lyrics, a loud and fast drum beat, and the hollow sound of a garage band. Honestly, I know my dad knows this song but I can't say if it's one of his favorites, but every time I hear I think of him, which makes me happy. I unabashedly love this song.

Finally

2009-03-06T12:57:00.002-05:00

I know nothing about Dora the Explorer other than she seems to be a vaguely ethnic cartoon character with a backpack, but for me, any sluttification is a good sluttification so I'm all for it.

Aren't we all?

2009-03-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

And if you don't know, now you know

2009-03-03T15:52:00.003-05:00

That's it. I've had it with Michael Steele trying to talk street. First it's the bling bling comment, then this... We get it, you're black, you're expanding the party, it's not all just whites and slightly tanner whites (Charlie Crist)

Basically, stop frontin'. You're fugazi. You're whack.

Holla if you need me love, I'm in the House

2009-02-24T14:17:00.003-05:00

President Obama (hooray!) will be addressing the House and Senate tonight, where he will speak about the stimulus package, his overall economic recovery plan, and OH MY GOD HE'S ACTUALLY PRESIDENT OH MY GOD

Lost song of the day

2009-02-19T15:04:00.003-05:00

- Junip -- "Black Refuge" off Black Refuge EP

I've seen Jose Gonzalez in concert many times. He is one of my favorite artists despite his sometimes coma-inducing music, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've seen shows by him in a music club, in an auditorium, at an outdoor concert, and in a bar, and my problem has always been that he sounds exactly the same each time I see him. There is rarely any change of emotion, rarely any deviation from the studio versions of his songs. I've downloaded some of his concerts and I can never tell the difference -- he doesn't "riff", he doesn't "jam".

When I first discovered this song a few years ago, I was excited because it added to the very limited Jose Gonzalez catalogue. Junip is more a project than a band; there are only a handful of songs that have been released and despite promises of a full length Junip album somewhere down the line, he has been devoted to solo touring.

His first record, Veneer, was almost exclusively just him and a guitar. In Our Nature, which came out in 2007, was a lot more produced, a lot heavier, and a lot darker. I liked both albums, but felt like Veneer was where he was most comfortable. This track, Black Refuge, is much more In Our Nature than Veneer; its more electric, and harder, and more frightening.

I'm a monkey, I'm a monkey man

2009-02-18T10:39:00.002-05:00

The crazy Connecticut Chimp story has made its way across the internet, and despite the hilarious and already infamous details about this Chimp's life (he dressed himself, drank wine, watched television, brushed his teeth, was the managing director of a now defunct hedge fund in Greenwich, and was the 43rd President of the United States) it is yet another reminder of why fucking with nature sometimes results in a completely innocent person getting their hands and face ripped off by an out of control animal that should not be walking around in a house.

I've written on this before, notably here and here. I have a problem with zoos in general, from the odors to the overwhelming number of fanny packs to the fact the Bronx Zoo once displayed an African. Tigers, lions, elephants, bears, chimps... they're not meant to be in captivity. And don't me started on birds. I'm in no way an animal rights activist (yesterday I ate chicken, bacon, and sausage) but caging them just seems unsettling to me -- didn't we learn anything from that Twilight Zone episode with Roddy McDowall?

What this woman did, though... She normalized him into a human social setting. This is why I object when people put sweaters on dogs; first your dressing them and next thing you know they're starring in movies and then ripping the appendages off of your acquaintances. There has to be a happy medium between caging animals in faux habitats to be gawked at by Kansans and treating them like humans.

Not If I have anything to say about it...

2009-02-17T17:09:00.002-05:00

Via CNN's Unintentionally Hilarious Headline Generator (CNNUHHG):

I'm not certain if this is a threat or a prediction, but the more times Bristol Palin gets pregnant, the more children Sarah Palin claims she has, which just makes her more likeable as a candidate, which cannot be allowed to happen, so this, and only this, is the only reason for abstinence.

Lost song of the day

2009-02-16T16:17:00.003-05:00

- Calexico -- "Cruel" off Garden Ruin

A few months ago, friend of the blog McGriff implored me to drop whatever I was doing and buy the new Calexico album. Fortunately for me, I had already illegally downloaded it so I was all set, but it took me about 3 months to actually listen to it, which I did yesterday while resting after a long and painful run.

The album, Carried to Dust, is very good, and continues along Calexico's previous trail of "Indie-Mariachi", which is essentially lyric driven soft music with lots of instruments, lots of brass, and the occasional appearance of a maraca. As I listened to the album, I dozed off and woke up listening to Cruel, which had been released on Garden Ruin in 2006, an album I also own, but quite predictably, had not taken the time to listen to in its entirety.

This song fits in perfectly with the rest of Garden Ruin, including my favorite songs of theirs All Systems Red, and Panic Open String. It doesn't really break any new ground, but I really got stuck on the opening instrumental section and the buildup starting in the final 1:20.

As if we got a new position

2009-02-12T12:19:00.002-05:00

... by fellating him?

Personally I would have taken the picture from a few feet further out.

Lost song of the day

2009-02-11T11:58:00.004-05:00

- Modest Mouse -- "Missed the Boat" off We Were Dead Before the Boat Even Sank

Like most people, I first heard of Modest Mouse when "Float On" came out in 2004, which was the same year I found out I knew nothing about music. I was proud of my music tastes, and still am, despite how much I love the song "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack.

I liked "Float On" and listened the other albums that they had put out, none of which I liked. I tried again a few years ago and could only find one track ("Bukowski") that I enjoyed. The actual music was my problem; I enjoyed the lyrics and Isaac Brock's strange voice, particularly his energy, but as always is my problem with bands that I'm not in love with, I didn't have a whole lot of patience.

I heard "Missed the Boat" on a car radio last week, and the friends I was with didn't know it. I wrote the lyric "We already missed the plane" on my hand and looked it up as soon as I got to a computer. I downloaded it when I got home and we've been happily married ever since.

The lyrics are great, if not melancholy. Brock's energy is also good, especially in the middle verse with a declaration of "Goddamn" that I enjoy every time I hear the song. James Mercer from the Shins does backup vocals during the progressively changing chorus, and really makes the song.

The Harbinger

2009-02-10T12:23:00.003-05:00

The economy is fine. Sure, my mom can't afford to pay her heating bill, my credit cards have all been cancelled, and my and I'm eating carrots three meals a day, but we're still afloat, right? My vision is fantastic, those Iphones are still selling like hot cakes, and we've got that new President guy? I'll only admit collapse if those people who break into this country illegally are forced to leave because they can't even get low-wage menial jobs.

First of all, this guy looks like Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. That aside, this has to be our floor, right? A day laborer from Guatemala is leaving the states because things are better for him in Guatemala.

Lost song of the day

2009-02-05T12:31:00.004-05:00

- Neil Young -- "Thrasher", off Rust Never Sleeps

I love Neil Young. I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it again. What I particularly enjoy about him is that he has alternated so exceedingly between hard and soft for his entire career. Harvest has "Heart of Gold" and "Out on the Weekend", but also has "Words" and "Alabama." Everybody Knows this is Nowhere is a phenomenal album, including my favorite song by him "Cowgirl in the Sand", and is almost entirely electric, while After the Gold Rush, critically considered his best record, is almost entirely soft.

Anyway, because I tend to get obsessed with songs and albums for months, and sometimes years, at a time, I sometimes avoid the rest of the catalogue. I had heard bits and pieces of Rust Never Sleeps before, but never the entire album, which I finally listened to in December. "Thrasher" stuck out for me.

It's just Neil with his guitar and harmonica, and could have easily been recorded on a solo acoustic tour or in a studio. His voice and the lyrics are strong, and defiant. Nearly every lyric paints a picture, evokes imagery, and conjures up imagination. The melody is repeated and doesn't deviate, but that doesn't take away from it. I am genuinely sad it took me nearly 29 years to find this song.

Call the coroner

2009-02-04T16:38:00.002-05:00

What sociopathic cave dweller have we not heard from in a few weeks?

Of course by "warns" he means promises, but that's just semantics. Cheney has got his wheelchair all shined up. He got new wheels on it, a rocket launcher on the left side, and the ability to release a smoke screen and an oil slick, like the car in Spy Hunter. He's ready. So stop subpoening Karl Rove.

How about Global Thermonuclear War?

2009-02-04T10:34:00.005-05:00

Hey everybody! IBM is building an insanely fast supercomputer that will be 20 times faster than the world's fastest computer. What for? To simulate nuclear war. Wait this sounds familiar.

Huh.

2009-02-03T19:02:00.001-05:00

Why is this... oh whatever

I blame myself

2009-02-03T14:55:00.003-05:00

Whoops

2009-02-03T11:58:00.008-05:00

So, yesterday's post on Tom Daschle seems to have warmed the hearts of conservatives everywhere, or, rather, conservatives who use search engines to determine the content of other people's blogs. Apparently, my mention of Daschle and/or Tony Rezko set off the wingnut alarm, and www.rezkorama.com, which is either a blog which aggregates negative stories about President Obama, or the worst theme park in the entire world, linked to this space.

Here I was just trying to be even-handed, just trying to make fun on Tom Daschle's glasses, just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with Presidential-level vetting, and what happens? AHugh Hewitt run blog links to me! I must somehow save my reputation, which I believe is very strong among the 10 people who read this blog, all of whom are my friends (at least on Facebook)

Ummmm.....

Haha! That last President was terrible, right?

And so begins the long, slow fall of Sally Jesse Raphael

2009-02-02T10:11:00.002-05:00

Not sure what's in the drinking water over at the White House office of cabinet affairs but I think it might be tax evasion mixed with really, really, big balls.

Tom Daschle becomes the second Cabinet nominee of President Obama's to be snared up in a "tax issue", and by "tax issue" of course I mean he didn't pay like $150,000 in taxes. Probably just a "clerical error", and by "clerical error" I mean he used a limo and chauffeur for three years and didn't reflect that in his taxes. I'm sure that it was an "isolated incident" and by "isolated incident" I mean he also didn't pay taxes on $80,000 in consulting fees. I'm sure he "promptly fixed the problem" and by "promptly fixed the problem" I mean he just paid the taxes in January.

The most interesting part about the story is that Daschle realized the mistake in June and didn't fix the problem AND didn't tell Obama about it, which strikes me as strange because Obama seems like the kind of guy be ok with a mistake if you were honest about it but if you weren't he would bury you in a Tony Rezko owned landfill somewhere outside of Chicago.

Either way, a potential Daschle withdrawal opens the door for another Republican Senator, so I'm ok with it.

Oh. My. God.

2009-01-30T16:42:00.000-05:00

BREAKING: OBAMA MULLING SURPRISE PICK FOR COMMERCE SECRETARY... DEVELOPING

2009-01-30T13:31:00.008-05:00

The big news out of Washington today is that President Obama plans on filling the empty post of Cabinet Secretary with a middle of the road New Hampshire Republican Senator and former Governor. That man?

Other names on the short list include Judge Reinhold, Judge Mills Lane, Judd Hirsch, Naomi Judd, Dredd Scott, Gregg Jefferies, Geoffrey the Giraffe, and Matt Drudge.

*- Thanks to Friend of the Blog McGriff for the heads up

UPDATE: Obama actually considering New Hampshire Senator Judd Gregg, not noted hero Judge Dredd. Moderately Effed apologizes for the error.

The best thing ever to hit the Boston Globe

2009-01-29T16:05:00.004-05:00

Normally I don't like to laugh when someone falls on the ice because I know that within 10-15 minutes, I'm going to fall on the ice myself. In fact, last night I fell on the ice, marking the third time this winter I've wiped out. My fall was graceful; I had a good recovery and the several beers I had previously drank masked the pain.

However, this is hilarious. A Boston Globe photographer fell on the ice in the financial district, and, while taking a picture of the spot where he fell, WAS ABLE TO CAPTURE ANOTHER MAN FALLING ON THE ICE, in all of its glory.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/gallery/man_with_coffee_slips_on_ice/

This is like that movie Beetlejuice

2009-01-28T17:14:00.003-05:00

Courtesy of Wonkette (I love you Sara K. Smith), I present the scariest photo of the year not involving fish testicles:

Apparently, it's part of the new exhibition at Madam Tussaud's Was Museum/House of Horrors/Tourist receptacle. Either that, or Jabba the Hut has had Michelle Obama frozen in carbonite and then decapitated her. Either way, I'm upset.

Oh the fishes will laugh

2009-01-27T17:39:00.005-05:00

Not surprisingly, but the fish was a blowfish (rimshot!)

Seriously, it was a blowfish.

First of all, I had no idea that fish had testicles, but that seems more like my issue so I'll move on. What I don't get is why people continue to eat blowfish or pufferfish -- it's poisonous and if if it's not prepared correctly, you die a painful, if probably comical, death.

I understand thrill seekers; skydivers, bungee jumpers, etc... but isn't there some thrust of adrenaline that accompanies that? Is there a Japanese guy sitting at a table somewhere, getting psyched up about eating a piece of fish that might kill him? How good is this fish? And how good are the testicles? And how small are the testicles?

Caught out there

2009-01-26T16:13:00.004-05:00

As his impeachment trial began in the Illinois State Senate, embattled Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-oes anyone want a fucking Senate seat) announced today during his appearance on Good Morning America that he considered appointing Oprah Winfrey to Barack Obama's Senate seat, because "fucking bitch got a lot of money".

Rod said he ultimately went with narcissist Roland Burris, because he decided that the Oprah pick would have been too much of a gimmick and that she would not have accepted it, and that "wait I'm making this up as I'm going along who the fuck am I talking about? Jerry Springer would have been a great Senator. Go fuck yourself."

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school

2009-01-23T16:24:00.004-05:00

You just can't let the spotlight shine off can you, Rod?

Everyone knows Blagojevich loves to make historical references -- quoting Tennison while running through a blizzard and all, but I think I'm a little lost with this one. He claims that the sneak attack by Pat Fitzgerald and his kamikaze US Attorneys, which, gasp, also happened in early December, reminded him of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor which killed 2400 Americans. Seriously. This wasn't Jason Sudeikis on Saturday Night Live or Keith Olbermann huffing and puffing his way through a special note. Blagojevich said that his arrest was like Pearl Harbor.

Of course, he must have been referring to the Michael Bay film, Pearl Harbor, which is exactly like Rod Blagojevich in that it sucks.

See me, only me

2009-01-21T21:22:00.006-05:00

Meet the new boss, diametrically opposed to the old boss.

I am not a good enough writer, speaker, or human being to articulate the emotion I felt yesterday. It was something other than happiness, something other than joy. It was not relief, or optimism. It was a feeling that I have never experienced. It was something, like, being full?

Gov off

2008-12-14T20:00:00.004-05:00

An anonymous poster posed the question: who has better hair, embattled Rod Blagojevich

(D-oes anyone know why I keep hear a clicking on my phone?) or Texas Governor Rick Perry (R-eally a homosexual)

That got me thinking... time for a Gov off!

- Better hair -- Blago in a landslide, or hairslide. Rick's got that neatly coiffed thing, but Rod's hair is the best hair in politics since Jim Traficant.

- Best celebrity lookalike -- Again, Blago, who looks exactly like Steve Carell if Steve Carell put a beaver on his head, while Rick Perry only looks like the FBI director who is killed in Colombia in the Tom Clancy action adventure blockbuster, Clear and Present Danger.

- Best douchebag first name -- Rick vs. Rod. This is a tough one, if Mitch Daniels or Bobby Jindal were in the contest it would be even tougher. I'll go with Blago, again. 3-0, Blagojevich.

- Most likely to be outed by a gay magazine -- And Perry gets on the board.

- Most likely to be murdered by Rahm Emmanuel -- Blagojevich.

- Most likely to be murdered by Kinky Friedman -- Perry

So, it's Blago in a walk. I'm not going to award him a prize because he'll try to sell it to Jesse Jackson Jr.

Blago-lypse

2008-12-09T18:59:00.002-05:00

Who would have thought it would be Rod Blagojevich that would force me to emerge from my hibernation?

All right, I got nothing. I'll be back after New Year's.

CNN!

2008-11-18T22:26:00.002-05:00

Thank you, CNN, for reviving this near dead blog, although I am a bit confused as to how they were able to see the drawings in my personal notebook?

Oh you know

2008-11-12T14:38:00.004-05:00

I'm not a big fan of Andrew Sullivan, although we do have a few things in common. We both voted for Kerry and Obama, and we both enjoy sex without condoms. Of course, he likes men and I don't usually advertise my predelictions on the internet, although I suppose I just did with this blog post so maybe he and I are more alike than I thought.

Anyway, Sullivan has a piece today which really neatly crystallized the Sarah Palin experience for me; he argues that the Palin pick was so absurd that he couldn't believe the media didn't just call shenanigan's on it right when it was rolled out:

"The impulsive, unvetted selection of a total unknown, with no knowledge of or interest in the wider world, as a replacement president remains one of the most disturbing events in modern American history. That the press felt required to maintain a facade of normalcy for two months - and not to declare the whole thing a farce from start to finish - is a sign of their total loss of nerve. That the Palin absurdity should follow the two-term presidency of another individual utterly out of his depth in national government is particularly troubling. 46 percent of Americans voted for the possibility of this blank slate as president because she somehow echoed their own sense of religious or cultural "identity". Until we figure out how this happened, we will not be able to prevent it from happening again. And we have to find a way to prevent this from recurring."

I love this analysis. Now the media certainly gave her a honeymoon and then went after a bit, especially on the late night shows and the blogosphere, but should they have ever let up? This was a person who should have never left the drawing board, one of those names that was bandied about at 3 in the morning in the McCain War Room. So here Palin is on this whirlwind image makeover tour, decrying her treatment in the press, but in reality the press was too soft on her. Obama and McCain got vetted for a year and a half, Biden for a year in the 2008 primaries and for 35 years before that, and Palin gets a meeting with McCain and then is supposed to get deference from the media and the American people.

Yes, the electorate is supposed to care about issues, and for the most part, we do. Average voters don't care about expensive suits or whether or not you shoot wolves for helicopters. They care about the economy and the war. Bush won reelection in 2004 on issues (albeit issues draped in fear). He won reelection because he convinced the American public he was stronger than Kerry on the issue that matter most to the voters: the War. Four years go by, and the electorate realizes that competence might be an important piece of the job of President.

Palin was an embarrassment to John McCain and the Republican Party. She was an embarrassment to those who juiced her for six months before her nomination, she was an embarrassment to herself. But moreover she was an embarrasment to the American people; those who voted for her and John McCain and those who voted against them. After incompetence of incredible proportions, Sarah Palin is an actual choice for us?

Ecstatic

2008-11-05T16:37:00.000-05:00

Waking up, feeling good and limber

2008-11-04T12:41:00.004-05:00

Watching Bob Shrum on MSNBC makes me want to jump out of the window.

So, here are the Moderately Effed official 2008 electoral predictions:

326 Obama
212 McCain

Obama wins North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, New Mexico, and Iowa, and holds onto Pennsylvania.

When I go

2008-11-03T23:00:00.003-05:00

I rarely get serious on this blog, and when I do I usually write some disclaimer about how I rarely get serious on this blog. Today Barack Obama's grandmother died, and that made me very sad.

One more day.

Trust the man

2008-10-28T21:42:00.003-05:00

The biggest story of the cycle folks.

"My friends, my foreign policy adviser is busy right now using a snake on the toilet of an Arby's."

And, in other bathroom news:

Two weeks ago, I mentioned the film "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and its status as the number one movie in America. When this farting dog movie debuts and is the number one movie in America, and I know this sounds like hyperbole, the imperial dominance of the United States will end.

Blame it on the lies that killed us

2008-10-24T17:32:00.003-05:00

Oh, so, so, much can be crammed into a news cycle.

The short version: a loony McCain volunteer in Pittsburgh (Official slogan: Where Bitter Racists
watch football) faked a mugging, beating, and letter branding. She claimed that an unidentified black man robbed her at an ATM, the noticed she was a McCain supporter (I'm assuming because she's fat and white) then kicked her, punched her, and carved a "B" into her face, saying, "You're going to be for Obama"

Things just didn't add up for our young hero, such as the timeline, the lack of videotape from the ATM, the fact that HER BLOG TOLD EVERYONE THAT SOMETHING EXCITING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER, and the question of why a mugger wouldn't just carve an "O" into her face; it's clearly a simpler letter?

And the moron didn't even remember that mirrors provide a, what's it called, a MIRROR image, when she herself carved the "B" into her face she did it backwards!

Obviously, Drudge and Foxnews freaked out and ran the story as their headline for several hours until it started to fall apart. John Moody, Fox News Executive Vice President and Minister of Public Enlightment and Propaganda, wrote an oped for Fox News that has set the gold standard for Fox News:

"If Ms. Todd's allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee."

What in the hell is he getting at here? I don't even care because it's not true you fucking cocksuckers.

Warning: childish humor

2008-10-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

You can blame it all on me, Terry, it don't matter to me now

2008-10-16T21:47:00.010-05:00

It was in this post in early February that I first discussed Eli Manning's pass to Plaxico Burress as the end of the Patriots dynasty. I suppose I turned out to be right, although there was no way to predict how bad their fall would be. Either way I love it.

The deep recesses of my dreams fantasized that it would also, somehow mystically, spell the end of the Red Sox as contenders as well. I'm comfortable blaming Bill Bellichik for pretty much anything so let's just say that all of the running up the score last year caused the Red Sox to lose this year.

As a side note, I originally wrote this piece on Thursday night when the Sox were losing 7-0.

Some hurt bad some really dying

2008-10-16T20:18:00.002-05:00

"My friends, that was as invigorating as the first Lincoln Douglas debate, which as you know I moderated"

John McCain and Barack Obama held their third and final debate last night at Hofstra University, where McCain (pictured above, I don't know, dying of thirst or something) had one last chance to state a compelling reason for his candidacy (read: insult Barack Obama)

McCain read through the laundry list: Taxes, health care, Bill Ayers, ACORN (which no one understands) and an undecided voter from Ohio that Barack Obama met earlier this week, Joe the Plumber, who, as it turns out is not named Joe and is not actually a plumber. He is also not undecided and has been parroting McCain talking points all day. Si se puede.

It's hard, on the national stage, to win a Presidential election when you're presenting a) no clear vision of even remotely what you'd do and b) present no clear reason to vote for you, just reasons to vote against your opponent. John Kerry's salient message in 2004 was Anybody But Bush, and despite the fact that he had policy proposals and strategies for economic and military success (I'm assuming he did. Wait, he did, right?) he was not able to present himself as a positive alternative to President Bush, he was only able to effective attack the President.

That didn't work; partially because President Bush attacked back (and with bigger guns) but because he was able to craft an effective message that made sense against the backdrop of history. in 2008, McCain is running with a message that isn't sticking within the current climate and is banking on a victory the exact way he lost his primary battle with Bush in 2000 -- mud.

My point: McCain is done.

Hockey Mom I'd like to...

2008-10-13T17:57:00.007-05:00

"Would you like to solve the puzzle?"

I haven't written too much on this space at all since John McCain thought the national political arena was a giant craps table and tabbed Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (R-ears his head... Alaska) as his running mate in August.

I could explain that away in a lot of ways. I could say that reality had become so funny (Palin/Couric interview, any John McCain public appearance) that the blogosphere didn't need my particular brand of sarcastic wit. I could say that I was so overwhelmed with the economic collapse and my dwindling 401k that I didn't have the time or energy to write.

However, the real reason was that I was busy, lazy, and I had writer's block.

Some things happened over the past two weeks on the Palin front that kind of knocked me off my laurels.

1) The wink

I counted three times that Sarah Palin winked at me, and me personally, during her debate with Joe Biden two weeks ago. From the first wink going forward I have no recollection of anything else happening except the next two winks. I watched the debate again a few days later, and this time made sure to avoid her winks as to fully ingest her performance.

And..... she was terrible. She said nothing. Nothing substantive in an hour and a half. Nothing that could be construed as particularly insightful, or meaningful. Nothing that cut through the clutter and presented any actual solutions.

If Joe Biden had been debating any of the other possible VP candidates the Republicans had been tossing around (Pawlenty, Lieberman, Romney) and had given the performance he gave against Palin (minus the stupid gaffes) the punditry would have called it the best VP debate performance in history.

But she winked me so I gave her an A-. And I watched the debate 14 times.

2) The investigation

It always give me an extra kick in my step when an actual headline is funnier than a potential Onion headline on the same subject.

In advance of an investigation in Alaska of Sarah Palin attempting to fire her former brother in law, the McCain campaign released its own report completely exonerating Palin. Wow, I didn't realize that you could do that! In that case I have a 12 inch penis.

The McCain campaign also made John McCain 10 years younger, Barack Obama a Muslim, Joe Biden a Muslim, Sarah Palin John McCain's wife, John McCain's Bangladeshi daughter white, and the economy sound.

I still have writer's block.

Our Waterloo?

2008-10-06T21:36:00.003-05:00

Mark this day down. This marks the end of our civilization.

FLASH -- Mitch McConnell is slowly melting

2008-09-30T22:27:00.002-05:00

Oh wow I have no idea what's going on with this bailout. I blame Katie Couric.

Verbatim

2008-09-25T21:36:00.002-05:00

I've now reached the point where I believe that Sarah Palin is just a prank that John McCain is pulling on the United States.

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land-- boundary that we have with-- Canada. It-- it's funny that a comment like that was-- kind of made to-- cari-- I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our-- our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia--

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We-- we do-- it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where-- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is-- from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to-- to our state.

FLASH: I am suspending the blog until the financial crisis is solved

2008-09-25T07:25:00.002-05:00

In reality, I'm just busy and will be away for the weekend and haven't had anything funny to write in the last week but if a lame excuse works for McCain then it will work for me.

Flashback, warm nights, almost left behind

2008-09-17T20:48:00.003-05:00

The biggest news of my week? Brenda Walsh reveals the biggest secret of the year: Dylan McKay is the father of Kelly Taylor's baby.

Yeah, I watch 90210. In fact, I DVR it. I'm interesting in Emily "Silver" Silver's relationship with her mother. I may be falling in love with the girl whose the sister of the black kid, as well as possibly Lori Loughlin. I want to punch this Ty character in the face. I'm sold.

But I won't be fully satisfied until the return of the dauphin, the ascendancy of the king. I won't be happy until I gaze upon his smiling face. I won't rest until I see Steve Sanders.

Would anyone care for fruit, or dessert?

2008-09-15T22:34:00.003-05:00

I have decided that I am completely unable to effectively transport a banana from my apartment to my office in the mornings. I've tried plastic bags, I've tried different pockets of my gym bag, I've made a conscious effort not to lean on my bag at all during the subway ride.

But every single day, the banana emerges bruised and browned, sometimes squashed so much on one end that there are banana remnants on my gym lock.

I'm out of options.

The Il-est

2008-09-09T21:25:00.003-05:00

Kim Jong Il's jumpsuit is back in the news this week, after failing to appear at a military parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of North Korea's founding. According to the North Korean government, Il has not been seen since he hit 5 holes in one in a single round of golf, clubbed a 700 foot home run, and dunked on a 12 foot rim in early August. Also he likes movies.

During a conversation with noted funnyman and friend of the blog PK, I mentioned how Il's potential death or at least removal from power in North Korea would deal a serious blow to comedy lovers everywhere; the world is running extremely low on eccentric and egomaniacal dictators. Sure, Chavez has his bluster, but does he own 20,000 videotapes? Ahmadinejad has his beard but did he ever kidnap actors to bolster a fledgling movie industry in Iran? Putin has his piercing good looks but does he compose operas?

No!

Old man

2008-09-04T21:29:00.005-05:00

It seems like every time I start to get worried about this election John McCain speaks and I slowly fall asleep. He is as ebullient as a block of wood, which, is not very ebullient.

But to be honest, I'm scared to death.

The truth that ran us down

2008-09-03T20:18:00.004-05:00

"I hate you."

Oh to be a fly on the... umm... tarmac for the meeting between John McCain, Sarah Palin's family, and Bristol Palin's baby daddy. This is the most uncomfortable photo opportunity in history.

In other news, Mitt Romney has either become a rock star, the devil, or a porno actor:

Wounded in hatred

2008-09-02T21:56:00.003-05:00

Once again I go away for the weekend and I miss enormous news stories -- Gustav and candidate baby mama drama.

But I don't want to talk about that. In fact, the anger inside of me is about to melt my computer. Flames. Flames. On the side of my face. breathing, breath... heaving, breaths... heaving..

I hate Joe Lieberman with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

McCain picks Tina Fey as running mate

2008-08-29T09:40:00.002-05:00

Let's go

2008-08-28T23:09:00.002-05:00

Not since Enrico Palazzo gave performed that stunning rendition of the national anthem at a Seattle Mariners/California Angels game in 1988 has a stadium crowd been this jumping.

Barack killed it -- he killed it. He had his way with it. He took it behind the bleachers and got it pregnant. All right I'm getting carried away.

And now it starts in earnest -- next week in Minneapolis will be all about Barack Obama and his lacking, Barack Obama and his inexperience, Barack Obama and his "celebrity". Barack is ready to answer those questions, to turn them on their head; to question whether classical experience is important when that experience has led us into economic and military quandaries.

I am so happy.

Biden time

2008-08-27T22:28:00.003-05:00

Well that was a good speech, highlighted by the appearance of Joe Biden's mom who may or may not have known Abe Lincoln personally.

Again, I've talked a lot about Biden here, and I definitely have had mixed up emotions, but he was great and will do a great job selling cars for Scranton Toyota, I mean he will do a great job as Vice President of the United States.

Teddy K

2008-08-25T21:12:00.001-05:00

My keyboard is covered in tears so this is all I'll write.

Face to Face

2008-08-24T20:48:00.020-05:00

While recovering from my recent bout of Biden-cephalitis, I was browsing CNN and came across this unintentionally hilarious side-by-side photo of Barack Obama and John McCain, a journalistic device that is the favorite of media outlets everywhere:

So I decided to find some similar pictures and write hysterical captions to them.

Happier times before Barack Obama became a Muslim

McCain has completed his transformation to disembodied head wearing a dickie

This photo was taken with McCain's most treasured personal item, a camera given to him by George Eastman in 1886.

Apparently they're now a TV evening news team

Wait, which one is which here?

Barack Obama immediately following root canal surgery and John McCain immediately following a bowel movement

Ok, we get it, even his microphones are black

REDACTED

Barack might be under there I can't be sure, this picture is like an MC Escher painting

I meant Biden

2008-08-23T08:28:00.001-05:00

Right, so, Joe Biden!

Number 2

2008-08-22T23:11:00.003-05:00

The pick will be revealed in about 6-8 hours, and before I go to sleep tonight have dreams of Joe Biden's teeth, Moderately Effed is going to make its bold prediction for Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee, Jack Reed (D-RI).

"I'm in the Senate!"

Jack Reed flew under the radar for a while but was mentioned again today as a possible finalist, amidst buzz that the Secret Service had been dispatched to Rhode Island either to guard Reed or because they all really like going out in Newport.

Anyway, I think Barack ultimately got scared away Biden's hair and went for a guy who also has a fun haircut in Reed. Personally, I like Reed's military experience and his weird chin.

It's not a house it's a home

2008-08-21T21:09:00.003-05:00

"My friends, the only reason I don't remember how many houses I own is that
I purchased several of them in the 1830's"

John McCain (R-ich and famous, lifestyles of) did not have his best day on the campaign trail this week, responding to a reporter's question asking him how many houses he owned by saying, "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you" which, roughly translated, means "I own a lot of houses"

You would think the media would have some fun with this, Obama's campaign would get a few barbs in, and that would be that. Instead, it led most news reports, Obama made a commercial, and then McCain hit back hard bringing up Obama's relations with Tony Rezko. For Obama, the smart thing to do here would either be to step back and let the story die or to hit back even harder with some Keating Five ads, but we're talking about a Democrat here so he'll probably bitch and moan about it for a day and then pick Evan Bayh as his VP.

So this fun news story will lead right into Obama picking the blandest possible candidate for Vice President and then the convention starts next week where Hillary Clinton will spend 30 minutes begging for donations, Barack Obama will once again try to redefine oratory, and Bill Clinton will be looking for Rielle Hunter.

Rudy who? Wait you must mean Huxtable

2008-08-20T18:07:00.006-05:00

The Comedy Gods fulfilled my every dream today by ordaining that Ferretface V. 911 will be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention in two weeks.

Giuliani, who had the Liebermanesque quality of dropping in the polls as the voters got to know him, was picked because of his excellent campaign commercials, the fact that he's been married more times than McCain, and because 9/11 9/11 9/11.

Let's plan a drinking game. If you hear any of the following terms used, drink a jagerbomb:

"Inexperienced"
"Beautiful September morning"

If you hear these used, drink a bottle of scotch:

"Surrendering to terror"
"Sunny September morning"

If you hear these terms, shoot yourself in the head:

"Camel Jockey"
"Barack Obama was the 20th hijacker"

Checkin out politics, in this crazy crazy town

2008-08-18T21:44:00.003-05:00

"Goulet!"

Senator Joseph Biden (D-MSNBC) is being talked up so much this week you would think he is that retarded guy who won 8 gold medals swimming around in China. I've talked about Biden a lot on this blog, most notably here and here (objectively one of the funniest things I've ever written), and generally I have a lot of respect for him. He's smart and he's a genuine bulldog, albeit occasionally a racist bulldog.

So the conventional wisdom is that Barack Obama is narrowing in on Biden (above Evan Bayh and Tim Kaine's left eyebrow) to be his VP candidate, and if that happened, their first public appearance together would shatter the ego record set when President Bush met Bono.

I don't know how I feel about Biden vs. Bayh vs. Tim Kaine's left eyebrow. Biden won't shut up, Bayh was designed by Cyberdyne systems, and Tim Kaine's left eyebrow doesn't have any national security experience.

This is a tough one. I think he should pick John Edwards.

I never would've dreamed that her heart was so wicked

2008-08-14T19:19:00.002-05:00

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-elusional) will be formally put up for nomination at the Democratic Convention in two weeks, because, according to her and her "campaign", there is a groundswell of support among her, um, supporters, to officially have their voices heard. Of course by "supporters" they mean Bill Clinton and Chelsea Clinton and by "have their voices hear" they mean SHUT THE FUCK UP SHE'S STEALING THE NOMINATION

The deal to have Hillary’s ego fest go forward was struck because the Obama and Clinton camps weren’t able to agree on the proper way to recognize Hillary’s campaign; Obama of course wanted her to give a speech talking about the historical implications of both her campaign and his, about her groundbreaking commitment to universal health care and her unmatched policy expertise. Clinton, on the other hand wanted to put this image on the screen behind her for 45 uninterrupted minutes and then immediately have a roll call vote:

On a serious note, while this will have some positive influence on the disenfranchised Hillary voters, it will also allow the Republicans to paint a very nice picture for themselves: not even his own party is behind Barack Obama. The delegate count was so close, if those numbers remain true Barack will “win” the nomination in a very tight vote. Hopefully, he will then give the greatest speech in the history of mankind on Thursday (aside from Quint’s “Indianapolis” monologue in Jaws) and she will fade into Bolivian.

It won’t be a brokered convention by any means; the party has its nominee, but a close vote and 2 days of Clinton (Chelsea, Hillary, Bill, and then a close vote on Wednesday), followed by McCain announcing his VP pick on Friday, and the impact of Barack’s story, and his speech, could be muted.

Wow this is exciting.

Hump day

2008-08-13T20:59:00.004-05:00

So today nothing of note happened to me except I nearly spit on a guy while running near Harvard and I saw a man, that's right, a man, in the gym locker room putting on a garter belt. Be warned, if you ever search for garter belt on google images and you have the porn filter turned off, well, be warned.

While browsing around the internet attempting to avoid both work and articles about Michael Phelps, I of course read an article in the Post about Michael Phelps' daily diet, which is incredible and oh fuck I'm talking about Michael Phelps:

Breakfast: Three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise, two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

Lunch: a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread and 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks

Dinner: A pound of pasta and an entire pizza and 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

While I am stunned that a human being could drink that many energy drinks and not immediately have a heart attack, what amazes me the most is the ENTIRE PIZZA he eats at dinner. That's at the end of the day -- he's already eaten an entire carton of eggs and more mayonnaise than anyone is supposed to eat in their lifetime and he's eating an entire pizza.
All right I'm getting sick thinking about this.

CNN... laugh riot

2008-08-11T11:29:00.002-05:00

These quick vote writers are definitely looking for a job on the new Jimmy Fallon show...

Anyway, friend of the blog McGriff asked me yesterday if I was secretly, or not so secretly, rooting for the American basketball team to not win the gold and I said yes. In fact, I'd love for Lebron and Kobe to both be dunked on by a lanky Angolan small forward, resulting in the two of the smashing their heads together like a couple of coconuts.

In other news, I just can't get into the Olympics. I want to. I want to watch badmitton and pole vaulting and bobsledding and curling, but badmitton and pole vaulting are boring and I can't seem to find bobsledding and curling on the schedule anywhere.

On Edwards

2008-08-09T09:29:00.006-05:00

In 2006, following a long (and drunk) conversation with a friend of the blog, I wrote what I would describe as an extremely long-winded and narcissistic treatise on my love-hate relationship with Bill Clinton.

Luckily for me, Clinton's behavior during the primaries fully shifted me into the hate-hate category, so I no longer had to use critical thinking to analyze why his affair had bothered me so much! So, that was nice.

Edwards' affair, on the other hand, didn't have the same effect on me because he was never my candidate, I never loved him, and quite frankly I never really thought about him even when he was running for President. So, personally, I wasn't that affected.

Objectively, though, it's disgusting. His wife was diagnosed with a cancer that will kill her, he runs for President (again!) with two young children and then he cheats on her, with, apparently, America's version of Camilla Parker Bowles. Seriously, look at the side by side.

Just terrible. Edwards attributed the affair to narcissism and a growing sense that he could do anything that he wanted, which is just about the most believable justification for an affair that I've ever heard, aside from "But it's Angelina Jolie", so here's to John Edwards, the most logical cheater this side of Brad Pitt.

BREAKING: JOHN MCCAIN HAS EXTREMELY LIMITED VOCABULARY

2008-08-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

McCain also suggested invading gas prices, using surgical missile strikes on childhood obesity, negotiating with abortion, and bombing Iran.

Holla if you need me love, I'm in the House

2008-08-05T06:45:00.003-05:00

The Veepstakes (I hate that term) has just about reached the boiling point, with both Barack "The One" Obama and John "Nearly dead" McCain closing in on picking their running mates. Barack is looking for the whitest guy he can possibly find (other than John McCain) and McCain is looking for someone who skews the ticket a bit younger, ie: John McCain's father.

As always happens during VP selection time, there are frontrunners (Bayh, Biden, Romney, Crist) and dark horses (Fiorina, Sebelius, Nunn) and then there are the ridiculous obscure House members that are tossed in at the end to placate the respective party leadership. In this election, that honor goes Reps Eric Cantor (R-eligious Jew) and Chet Edwards (D-on't know anything about him)

"I'm Jewish."

I know very little about Cantor aside from his aforementioned Judaism and his clothing choice which involves, at least in the above picture, way too many patterns. He's relatively young (just 45) he's the Chief Deputy Minority Whip, and in his 2002 Congressional race he beat Ben "Cooter" Jones , who of course appeared on the Dukes of Hazzard. I'm convinced.

"I look like Mark Foley."

So do I need to elaborate anymore? Chet Edwards looks like Mark Foley. As a positive, the Obama campaign can save a lot of money by just replacing the name Kerry from the 2004 bumper stickers, banners, and signs. As a negative, Chet Edwards looks like Mark Foley.

Identical cousins

2008-08-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

So I know I just made a lookalike joke, but while reading the Foxnews article on millionaire kidnapper Clark Rockefeller, I couldn't help but notice: he is Chuck Klosterman.

Just an observation.

UPDATE: BRETT FAVRE MAY BE OLD AND/OR RETARDED

2008-08-03T22:43:00.000-05:00

Surprise, Surprise

2008-08-03T20:49:00.005-05:00

First of all, I thought he died like 100 years ago and then I realized I was thinking of Dostoevsky.

Secondly, I had no idea Solzhenitsyn was the guy that sold the Mogwais in Gremlins.

He'll never be the head of a major corporation

2008-07-31T23:02:00.003-05:00

Well I'm scared to death...

Well this rounds out the list of grievances I have against Greyhound:

- Chronically late
- Surly drivers
- Always stop at same Roy Rogers
- Decapitations