We get freaky in the studio, late night
So I suffer from insomnia. For you idiots out there, that means I can't sleep.
Because I can't sleep, I will often watch many hours of late night television, like most vampires/crack addicts/losers. I figured I would run down a list of my favorite things that I come across while scanning for Cinemax late at night.
4) TV Land/Nick at Nite. Nothing really groundbreaking here, but I really enjoyedThree's Company, Night Court, Murphy Brown, Cheers, and Wings as a kid, so it's nice to be able to watch them again, although Three's Company and Night Court are horribly dated. I love Jack Tripper.
3) Celebrity Poker Showdown. Bravo's finest! Or shame. Whichever. It is the highest of comedy to watch Phil Gordon awkwardly laugh while Dave Foley spends all his remaining capital from his glory years on Newsradio and Kids in the Hall by cracking jokes with the guy who owned the restaurant in Northern Exposure and the girl who was in that movie with Val Kilmer. Pretty entertaining though, because of the incredible swagger of these "celebs", who are playing about as good poker as Teddy KGB at the end of Rounders. It's fun to guess how long it will take Phil Gordon's head to explode when some NASCAR driver goes all in with a 3-10 off suit. The championship shows are the best, because the players' egos are through the roof and Phil Gordon is dressed like he's on the way to his senior prom.
2) Elimidate. Tough choice not ranking this number one. I'm sure the executive producers will be devastated. Anyway, I love Elimidate. I love everything about it. And I can't figure out why. To sum up every single episode, a guy named Mitch, 24, a financial analyst from Western Long Island goes out on a date with four girls who all describe themselves as strong women looking for a good time: Melanie, 24, a dental hygenist from Yonkers, Jess, 21, an office assistant from Hackensack, Brittany, "28", a real estate agent from Queens, and Jasmine, 23, a hairdresser from the South Bronx. After some chit chat about the Yankees, and some commenting by the girls about Mitch's biceps, which for some reason he is showing off by wearing a tank top in February, the fivesome head to a bar on Second Avenue where they talk about hooking up on the first date. Mitch votes each of the girls off one by one until the final girl proves her worth by fellating him on camera inside Brother Jimmy's. And scene. Emmy worthy.
1) Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. Number one with a bullet. This guy is awesome. First of all, he recently highlighted his hair, which when I discovered it actually led me to call a friend at 2:30 in the morning to ask his opinion. Secondly, he has a title: Fitness celebrity. Now I know that society has become very loose with the word celebrity, but he clearly qualifies. The fact that this is clearly a self-annointed title makes it all so much sweeter. Third, this man might be the most narcissistic man I have ever seen, so watching the infomercials is like studying for a psychology class. Finally, he looks like one of those wooden cutouts at a carnival where you put your head where Popeye's is supposed to be. His face looks like your middle school science teacher, and his body, well, I can't do it justice. See for yourself:
(Note: I could not decide which picture of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow to use. They are all mindblowingly phenomenal. Check them out: http://www.fitnessmadesimple.com/gallery.php
Because I can't sleep, I will often watch many hours of late night television, like most vampires/crack addicts/losers. I figured I would run down a list of my favorite things that I come across while scanning for Cinemax late at night.
4) TV Land/Nick at Nite. Nothing really groundbreaking here, but I really enjoyedThree's Company, Night Court, Murphy Brown, Cheers, and Wings as a kid, so it's nice to be able to watch them again, although Three's Company and Night Court are horribly dated. I love Jack Tripper.
3) Celebrity Poker Showdown. Bravo's finest! Or shame. Whichever. It is the highest of comedy to watch Phil Gordon awkwardly laugh while Dave Foley spends all his remaining capital from his glory years on Newsradio and Kids in the Hall by cracking jokes with the guy who owned the restaurant in Northern Exposure and the girl who was in that movie with Val Kilmer. Pretty entertaining though, because of the incredible swagger of these "celebs", who are playing about as good poker as Teddy KGB at the end of Rounders. It's fun to guess how long it will take Phil Gordon's head to explode when some NASCAR driver goes all in with a 3-10 off suit. The championship shows are the best, because the players' egos are through the roof and Phil Gordon is dressed like he's on the way to his senior prom.
2) Elimidate. Tough choice not ranking this number one. I'm sure the executive producers will be devastated. Anyway, I love Elimidate. I love everything about it. And I can't figure out why. To sum up every single episode, a guy named Mitch, 24, a financial analyst from Western Long Island goes out on a date with four girls who all describe themselves as strong women looking for a good time: Melanie, 24, a dental hygenist from Yonkers, Jess, 21, an office assistant from Hackensack, Brittany, "28", a real estate agent from Queens, and Jasmine, 23, a hairdresser from the South Bronx. After some chit chat about the Yankees, and some commenting by the girls about Mitch's biceps, which for some reason he is showing off by wearing a tank top in February, the fivesome head to a bar on Second Avenue where they talk about hooking up on the first date. Mitch votes each of the girls off one by one until the final girl proves her worth by fellating him on camera inside Brother Jimmy's. And scene. Emmy worthy.
1) Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. Number one with a bullet. This guy is awesome. First of all, he recently highlighted his hair, which when I discovered it actually led me to call a friend at 2:30 in the morning to ask his opinion. Secondly, he has a title: Fitness celebrity. Now I know that society has become very loose with the word celebrity, but he clearly qualifies. The fact that this is clearly a self-annointed title makes it all so much sweeter. Third, this man might be the most narcissistic man I have ever seen, so watching the infomercials is like studying for a psychology class. Finally, he looks like one of those wooden cutouts at a carnival where you put your head where Popeye's is supposed to be. His face looks like your middle school science teacher, and his body, well, I can't do it justice. See for yourself:
(Note: I could not decide which picture of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow to use. They are all mindblowingly phenomenal. Check them out: http://www.fitnessmadesimple.com/gallery.php
posted by quint at 9:32 PM
4 Comments:
"Are there any Paraguayans here? No? Well, of course, their request for subsidies was not, uh, Paraguayan as it is, as it were, uh, the United States government would never have if the President, our President had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?"
Hey I do NOT appreciate my copyrighted image being used for yours or any body else's amusement. Besides I can blog faster than you. I'm famous. *makes fart noise with mouth*
I AM NOT DEAD!!!
Moses: And the Lord has sent before you, this Fifth Commandment - "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother"!
[ the prophets agree ]
And the Sixth Commandment: "Though Shalt not Kill"!
[ the prophets agree ]
And the Seventh: "Though Shalt not Commit Adultery"!
[ silence ]
What? What did I say?
Voice Among the Prophets: It's a little unclear!
Moses: What?! Someone dares question the Word of God!
Clinton: [ steps out ] Not question, really. I mean.. you know, it's just a little unclear. I mean, adultery, what exactly does that mean? [ laughs, holds smug thumbs-up ]
Moses: Well, I think it's pretty self-explanatory - Though shalt not know any Woman other than Thy Wife.
Clinton: Yeah, right.. look, Moses.. hear me out on this one, okay? Is it technically adultery, let's say, if you just let a woman know you? No! Because you're not really knowing her back!
Moses: I don't follow.
Clinton: Aw, c'mon, Moses! You know what I mean - maybe she.. knows you.. some.. other way! Like, not with her loins, you knowww..? She could even be fully dressed..
Moses: [ appalled ] Oh, come on. You're not asking what I think you're asking, are you?
Clinton: What?! You gotta admit, it's not really that clear, right people? [ the people agree ]
Moses: Oh, yes, it is clear! What you're talking about is definitely adultery!
Clinton: [ sighing ] So, God told you to do that exactly?
Moses: Well, no, we didn't talk about that..
Clinton: Yeah? Well, then how do you know? This is pretty damn important, maybe you should go ask Him.
Moses: I'm not going to ask God that.
Clinton: Fine. I'll ask Him. [ Moses tries to stop him, but he walks behind the mountain. He returns almost as soon as he left. ] I asked Him, He said it was okay.
Moses: No, you didn't! You did not just talk to God!
Clinton: I did, too! You know, I asked Him about doing the thing, you know, down there, and He said, "Hey, go to town!" He said just don't let anyone else know about it. You can put that one right there. [ he points at the tablet ]
Moses: Okay, you talked to God? Then what does God look like?
Clinton: Well.. I mean, He's big.. uh, He is shiny, and He wears a hat.
Moses: No! God does not wear a hat. Look, the commandment is simple - Though shalt not lie down with any other woman!
Clinton: See? That's my point! What if you're not lying down? What if you're sitting at the edge of your desk?
Moses: Come on, that's just semantics. Who brought this guy? [ no one claims Clinton ] Look, look.. any kind of knowing is adultery, and that's that! Now, I'm moving on! [ he presents the tablets again ] Now, then. Though shalt not covet Thy neighbor's house, nor his goods, nor Thy neighbor's ass..
Clinton: Wait a minute, Thy neighbor's ass. What if..
Moses: No! No, no, no.. I know what you're going to ask, and yes, that is defintely adultery.
Clinton: Okay, but what if she knew you with her hand?
Moses: That's it. You are not worthy to receive these commandments! [ he throws the tablets to the ground, destroying them. Thunder strikes ] You perverts! [ he exits behind mountain ]
[ Prophet picks up the broken pieces. Clinton examines them. ]
Clinton Wait, whoa whoa! Did he break the one that had adultery on it?
Prophet: Yeah, I think he did.
Clinton: Okay, good! [ examining the pieces more closely ] Okay, see, look? This is great, we have five commandments. That's all we need! You understand, we got all the good ones. Am I right? [ he turns to address the crowd ] Now, I want to talk about building a bridge to the 12th Century..
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