Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The State of the Union

A live play by play of the MOST IMPORTANT SPEECH EVER. Or not.

9:01: John Roberts, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer, and Samuel Alito enter the House Chamber. The quartet wins "Most boring four people in the room" award, to be presented after the speech by David Souter.

9:02: The entire cabinet enters the chamber. Alberto Gonzalez and Carlos Gutierrez fight for Telemundo camera time.

9:04: Laura Bush is joined in the Presidential box by a black guy and an Iraqi woman. I wonder why they are there.

9:06: Clarence Thomas takes his seat. Condoleeza Rice promptly puts on a sweater and overcoat and discards her soft drink.

9:08: Hey, it's the President!

9:08: Brian Williams reports that Cindy Sheehan, who was supposed to attend the State of the Union as a guest of Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey, was arrested and will not be at the speech. Apparently, the RNC is not only controlling the media, but they are trying to break into the creating reality game.

9:11: Denny Hastert stares at the gavel, contemplates consuming it, and then bangs it and calls the House to order. John Kerry and Diane Feinstein discuss water polo.

9:13: Bush consults a dictionary and uses the word rostrum.

9:15: "The road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting – yet it ends in danger and decline..." Hey, it's Bill Clinton everybody!

9:17: A Burma reference! I guess someone got an atlas for Christmas.

9:19: Back to back standing ovation snubs by Charlie Rangel and John Lewis. Excellent.

9:22: "We are in this fight to win, and we are winning!" Bush of course is talking about the Detroit Pistons.

9:23: Bush makes a snide comment about "politicians in Washington, DC". Dick Cheney ironically applauds.

9:27: Bush winks at a family of a fallen soldier. The mother winks back. I am uncomfortable.

9:29: NBC shows Michael Chertoff, fresh off his victory in the "Vincent Price Lookalike Contest"

9:30: Bring it on, Iran! Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumseld begin frothing at the mouth.

9:31: In a stunner, Bush mentions the word "genocide". Hey, there's a first time for everthing.

9:34: Bush urges the reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Ben Nelson, D-NE, stands and applauds and liberal bloggers everywhere spontaneously combust.

9:36: Hillary Clinton snubs a standing ovation, smiling coyly and shaking her head. The RNC raises $1 million in 10 seconds.

9:38: Bush fumbles a line and then says: "We're seeing some old temptation return." Insert alcoholic joke (here).

9:43: In the greatest moment in State of the Union history, Bush mentions his failed Social Security plan and the Democrats stand and applaud.

9:47: Medical liability reform. Frist grins evilly.

9:49: For the last time, it's nuclear. NOO-clee-ER. Noooooo-kleeeeee-ehrrrrrrrr.

9:51: Bush mentioned supercomputing. Welcome to the 1950's!

9:56: Bush introduces Justice Alito and Justice Roberts. Harry Reid pulls out brass knuckles.

9:57: Bush demands the banning of human cloning and animal-human hybrids. Well, that's disgusting.

9:58: Following tonight's speech, Tom Lantos and Joe Lieberman will compete in the in the "Emperor Palpatine Lookalike Contest".

10:02: Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina, and the camera finds Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco, who is still competing with Bush for "Most incompetent Government Official Ever". Former winners include Michael Brown, Ray Nagin, and the Mayor from Jaws.

10:04: As the speech draws to a close, Bush mentions Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Franklin Roosevelt in a broad comparison with his current struggle. Historians everywhere fall unconscious.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice analysis


mynewsbot.com

12:02 AM  
Blogger Diddy Kong said...

It is as if you were able to read my mind last night. Although the biggest pain in the ass for me was the traffic on the hill prior to the speech. He performed well, I thought. I thought the camera work was not as exciting as SOTU's past.

10:27 AM  
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