Friday news roundup

- After posting the largest profits in their history last year, Exxon Mobil gave their outgoing chairman and noted butterball Lee Raymond a $400 million severance package, which seems fair because Exxon is clearly passing on their earnings to their consumers. So we're paying $3.00 at the pump and this fat bastard gets $400 million? Didn't he freeze Han Solo in carbonite?


- It's Election Day in New Orleans tomorrow, where voters will choose which mayor will destroy their city next. Incumbent Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin is considered a favorite, which is depressing and yet not surprising. Let's hope his Get Out the Vote vans mysteriously get stuck in the lot tomorrow morning. Call it Cajun Karma.

- John Kerry was quoted as saying he was "thinking hard" about running for President again in 2008. Think harder, Senator. Nobody likes you. Nobody liked you then, nobody likes you now, nobody will like you next year. The only reason you won the primary is because Iowa didn't want to vote for a 14 year old from North Carolina or a lunatic from Vermont or Dick Gephardt.

- Finally, in horribly frightening race relations news, in Nebraska, presumably to create a fundraising drive for the NAACP, the legislature voted to reorganized the Omaha school districts, resulting in primarily white, primarily black, and primarily latino segments. The legislation will be known as the Nebraska-Nebraska Act.