What the hell is Goofy?

A global conference of astronomers stripped Pluto of its planetary status today. Sources say the demotion was due to steroid use. Regardless, Pluto is no longer a planet. It has been reclassified as a playful cartoon dog and friend to Mickey Mouse.

In actuality, Pluto will now be called a "dwarf planet", which seems slightly politically incorrect. Conservatives everywhere are up in arms, decrying "activist astronomers" trying to "legislate planetary science".