Numbers
My second post on this space was about the various political blogs that I read, with specific focus on the Daily Kos, better known as the "Whiney lefty nutbag meaningless issue chorus". Go, Ned Lamont!
Since that time, I have begun to read several other blogs, most of which claim to be humor blogs commenting on social situations or journal style blogs going on about how depressed, popular, lonely, or busy they are, often in the same post, which is confusing and possibly schizophrenic. I stumbled upon the nexus of New York City blogs, and have been soaked in petulance, arrogance, and mental insanity ever since. Check out http://www.nycbloggers.com/ for just a sampling of exactly what I'm talking about. Normally I would feel bad about giving these people blog traffic, but the 11 people who read this every day aren't going to make these guys millionaires.
Which brings me to the point of this post: Why do I only have 11 readers? When I started writing this, it wasn't an attempt to become an internet celebrity or even particularly well read: I have always been a writer of some sort and I wanted to keep sharp and funny, anxiously waiting for that big day to come around when I would save Jon Stewart's life in a tragic blimp accident and get hired onto the Daily Show writing staff.
But after reading some of these horrendous New York blogs, a lot of which aren't funny, insightful or interesting yet get tens of thousands of hits each month, I am clueless as to how to crack in to their level of popularity. Here's what I've come up with:
1) Nudity/Sex talk
Maybe mine, maybe someone else's. Preferably someone else's, for everyone's sake. Nudity/sex is the best way to sell a product, so I don't see why embedding naked pictures of women into my blog won't drive traffic up significantly. Second, I will make sure to use the word debauchery in every post, because having six beers and then getting a slice of pizza at Ray's is like spending a week in Bangkok. Finally, I will freely talk about my sex life: I have none.
2) Cursing
Apparently cursing sporadically throughout your blog entries means that you are talented and funny. Using Fuck as a modifier, emphasized noun, and verb erases all need for creativity, humor, and innovation. So... holy fuck! Why the fuck wouldn't I want to head to that fucking bar? It's full of fucking girls, all of whom want to fuck me! Fuck!
3) Lists
A little meta, yes, but since humans not only pine for recognition but also have the attention span of fruit flies, maybe I should only write entries in list form, to hold the attention of my "readers" and to neatly compartmentalize my ramblings.
4) Emotional Breakdowns
Apparently the way to attract thousands of readers is to talk about the deepest darkest secrets that you have never told anyone in real life. So, here goes: I have a gambling problem. There, I've said it. I expect my traffic to spike to at least 20 readers by end of business today.
So, there you have it. Four easy steps destined to crack me into the upper echelon of the blogosphere. I will anxiously await the increase in readership and eventual book deals and orgies that come with it.
Since that time, I have begun to read several other blogs, most of which claim to be humor blogs commenting on social situations or journal style blogs going on about how depressed, popular, lonely, or busy they are, often in the same post, which is confusing and possibly schizophrenic. I stumbled upon the nexus of New York City blogs, and have been soaked in petulance, arrogance, and mental insanity ever since. Check out http://www.nycbloggers.com/ for just a sampling of exactly what I'm talking about. Normally I would feel bad about giving these people blog traffic, but the 11 people who read this every day aren't going to make these guys millionaires.
Which brings me to the point of this post: Why do I only have 11 readers? When I started writing this, it wasn't an attempt to become an internet celebrity or even particularly well read: I have always been a writer of some sort and I wanted to keep sharp and funny, anxiously waiting for that big day to come around when I would save Jon Stewart's life in a tragic blimp accident and get hired onto the Daily Show writing staff.
But after reading some of these horrendous New York blogs, a lot of which aren't funny, insightful or interesting yet get tens of thousands of hits each month, I am clueless as to how to crack in to their level of popularity. Here's what I've come up with:
1) Nudity/Sex talk
Maybe mine, maybe someone else's. Preferably someone else's, for everyone's sake. Nudity/sex is the best way to sell a product, so I don't see why embedding naked pictures of women into my blog won't drive traffic up significantly. Second, I will make sure to use the word debauchery in every post, because having six beers and then getting a slice of pizza at Ray's is like spending a week in Bangkok. Finally, I will freely talk about my sex life: I have none.
2) Cursing
Apparently cursing sporadically throughout your blog entries means that you are talented and funny. Using Fuck as a modifier, emphasized noun, and verb erases all need for creativity, humor, and innovation. So... holy fuck! Why the fuck wouldn't I want to head to that fucking bar? It's full of fucking girls, all of whom want to fuck me! Fuck!
3) Lists
A little meta, yes, but since humans not only pine for recognition but also have the attention span of fruit flies, maybe I should only write entries in list form, to hold the attention of my "readers" and to neatly compartmentalize my ramblings.
4) Emotional Breakdowns
Apparently the way to attract thousands of readers is to talk about the deepest darkest secrets that you have never told anyone in real life. So, here goes: I have a gambling problem. There, I've said it. I expect my traffic to spike to at least 20 readers by end of business today.
So, there you have it. Four easy steps destined to crack me into the upper echelon of the blogosphere. I will anxiously await the increase in readership and eventual book deals and orgies that come with it.
posted by quint at 10:55 AM
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