Too bad, McClane. I kinda liked you.

Help!!! Congress is running around molesting our sons!!! Who's going to save us? Wait, who's that? Off in the distance...it's...oh my god it's...

ANDERSON COOPER! In a picture whose caption can only be, "When the lights go out, the boys at Bagram begin a whole different type of mission." Usually I take my news without the side of porn (unless it features Nancy Grace), but no longer. Thank you, cnn.com, for allowing me to consolidate my dual online hunting streams into one.

Meanwhile, back to the fact that our Congressmen are engaged in a wholly new type of pork-barrel politics...the hottest incarnation of Satan this side of Eva Braun, Ann Coulter, takes it upon herself to defend poor Mark Foley, however meekly. She writes, "Foley didn't claim he was the victim of a 'witch-hunt.' He didn't whine that he was a put-upon 'gay American.' He didn't stay in Congress and haughtily rebuke his critics. He didn't run for re-election. He certainly didn't claim he was 'saving the Constitution.'"

Yeah, you bomb-throwing skank, Foley really took the manly route by resigning immediately, discovered a drinking problem, and running off to a treatment center. Denny Hastert practically drove him there. Ladies and gentlemen (aww, who am I kidding...the only person reading this is Quint himself), another non-scandal from your 2006 Republican Party!