End game

In the aftermath of Christmas, the pre New Years drinking, and my overall laziness, I was lapse in updating this space until I watched CNN all day yesterday and was reminded that the Iowa caucuses are in one day. I watched election coverage for about 10 hours yesterday, only interrupted by a half hour run, making dinner, and the two hour season premiere of the Biggest Loser. PS: Jillian is hot again.


4. The Semi-fringe

CNN devoted an entire day alternating between locales like the Giggling Goat (the name of a restaurant in Iowa), house parties where Mitt Romney held a baby like a nuclear bomb, and one on interviews in studio with superstar candidates such as Joe Biden and Bill Richardson. Sigh.

This is a sad time for them -- what kind of expectations are they supposed to set? What happens after Iowa? What's with their hair? It's been over six months and 20 pounds since anyone considered Bill Richardson (El Gobernador Gordo) a viable a candidate, and oh, since about late 1987 since anyone viewed Joe Biden that way, but there they are, talking up their crowd size and their qualifications. Give it up guys, it's either Clinton or Obama, until Clinton has Obama killed and it's Clinton.

3. The True Fringe



With the exception of Dennis Kucinich (D-ifferent galaxy) and Mike Gravel, who might have died at some point during the campaign, I'm not sure, there aren't any real fringe candidates this time around aside from Alan Keyes' quick and frightening appearance at a Republican debate several weeks ago.

That is, of course, except for Ron Paul (The You-Tube Man). Ron Paul is a full fledged libertarian, except for some reason he's a registered Republican. Libertarianism, for the curious, is anarchy with a military, and Ron Paul somehow has generated significant buzz, a bump in the polls, and an insane amount of fundraising, presumably from rich libertarians who can afford the donations because they've been hiding money from the IRS.

Paul is weird, objectively. He has an odd speaking style -- in both cadence and substance. In a Republican debate, he (partially) blamed the US for 9/11, causing Rudy Giuliani to reach Defcon 1 on his 9/11 meter. He wants the US to fully disengage -- to become a true isolationist nation. He wants to get rid of governmental subsidies, eventually social security, etc... He is the very definition of the word unpresidential. And somehow he raised $10 million in a day, which is more scary than entertaining. Scarier, and more entertaining, is that he will probably outpoll Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson in Iowa, which just a few months ago, seemed impossible.

2. Rudy Giuliani


There was a time when Rudy Giuliani was not much more than an egomaniacial frozen yogurt loving Seinfeld guest star. He went from there to an egomaniacal mayor, egomaniacal potential Senate candidate, and egomaniacal philandering husband. Along the way his cops had "Shoot black guys first, ask questions whenever i feel like it" policy. Oh, but he did clean up Times Square.

Then on 9/11, the United States, who only knew Giuliani from the aforementioned Seinfeld appearance, his constant attendance at Yankee playoff games, and that whole "Shoot black guys first, ask questions whenever I feel like it" policy, saw a guy walking out of the rubble and found a hero.

He was quite impressive -- on that day and the months following. He went to funerals, spoke at memorial services, bitch slapped a Saudi Prince, then left office and formed an incredibly lucrative firm which, ironically, advised companies and countries on how to avoid and defend themselves from attacks. Then he decided, "Hey, I'm really popular, why don't I run for President?"

He forgot:

1) He like gays

2) He likes abortions (and publicly funding them)

3) He has a lisp (see point number 1)

4) He likes to marry more than one woman (not at the same time -- see Romney, Mitt)

5) His leadership pre 9/11 was... not so much

6) Sometimes he keeps shady friends, and once in a while helps get them nominated for cabinet positions

7) The "Shoot blacks and ask questions whenever I feel like it" policy.


Now, number 7 was probably not going to be a problem for him in the Republican primary, in fact it probably would help. Numbers 5 and 6 were similarly ok because the level of nuance in the Republican nomination consists of "Arab=evil", but the first four seemed like a problem. But, Rudy kept truckin', setting his sights on Florida, where his base of retired New York Jews and crooked vote counters where headquartered.

Rudy banked on high national polling numbers (taken of mainstream Republicans in quasi-normal places) and a general unawareness of his various problems, to get him through the early states and on to Super Tuesday, where he and his ego would ride into victory...

Unfortunately for Rudy, but fortunately for the blacks who inhabit the city of Washington, DC, he hit a few snags. Once people got to know him, they liked him a lot less. And it wasn't just the lisp -- turns out Rudy is kind of an asshole. Who knew? And when there's an open slot for President, a lot of people decide to run. And some of them happen to be actual Republicans! Again, who knew?

So, it's over for Rudy, highlighted by his abysmal appearance on Meet the Press a few weeks back, and the realization by everyone in the media that he might get 5th or 6th in Iowa and New Hampshire.

Awesome. I don't have any commentary here -- I just love this. Ron Paul could win the nomination, abolish the Department of Education and come to my house to collect prompt payment on my college loans and I would still be happier than if Rudy Giuliani was elected President of the United States.


Stay tuned tomorrow for the number one thing I love about primary season, as well as my Iowa predictions...