Oh let's read the news and.... I'm going to vomit

Please let it be Hillary... Please let it be Hillary....

No, unfortunately the octogenarian TV host and walking advertisement against plastic surgery did not reveal a passionate affair with any of the presidential candidates (except a handjob she gave Mike Gravel while covering the Pentagon Papers), she did admit that she carried on a lengthy (rimshot) sexual relationship with former Republican Massachusetts Senator and noted black Edward Brooke. When reached for comment, Brooke said, "That bitch a freak. Total freak. I mean, freak. Like, freaky freak."

Barbara told this horrifying news to Oprah Winfrey, who presented Babs with a new car (taxes not included) Other revelations included:

- A grappa induced threeway with Anwar Sadat and Jimmy Carter
- A longterm lesbian relationship with Helen Thomas that was "strictly physical"
- Sexual tension between Hugh Downs and John Stossel "you could cut with a knife"