Trust the man

The biggest story of the cycle folks.

"My friends, my foreign policy adviser is busy right now using a snake on the toilet of an Arby's."

And, in other bathroom news:

Two weeks ago, I mentioned the film "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and its status as the number one movie in America. When this farting dog movie debuts and is the number one movie in America, and I know this sounds like hyperbole, the imperial dominance of the United States will end.

Blame it on the lies that killed us

Oh, so, so, much can be crammed into a news cycle.

The short version: a loony McCain volunteer in Pittsburgh (Official slogan: Where Bitter Racists
watch football) faked a mugging, beating, and letter branding. She claimed that an unidentified black man robbed her at an ATM, the noticed she was a McCain supporter (I'm assuming because she's fat and white) then kicked her, punched her, and carved a "B" into her face, saying, "You're going to be for Obama"

Things just didn't add up for our young hero, such as the timeline, the lack of videotape from the ATM, the fact that HER BLOG TOLD EVERYONE THAT SOMETHING EXCITING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO HER, and the question of why a mugger wouldn't just carve an "O" into her face; it's clearly a simpler letter?

And the moron didn't even remember that mirrors provide a, what's it called, a MIRROR image, when she herself carved the "B" into her face she did it backwards!

Obviously, Drudge and Foxnews freaked out and ran the story as their headline for several hours until it started to fall apart. John Moody, Fox News Executive Vice President and Minister of Public Enlightment and Propaganda, wrote an oped for Fox News that has set the gold standard for Fox News:

"If Ms. Todd's allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee."

What in the hell is he getting at here? I don't even care because it's not true you fucking cocksuckers.

Warning: childish humor

You can blame it all on me, Terry, it don't matter to me now

It was in this post in early February that I first discussed Eli Manning's pass to Plaxico Burress as the end of the Patriots dynasty. I suppose I turned out to be right, although there was no way to predict how bad their fall would be. Either way I love it.

The deep recesses of my dreams fantasized that it would also, somehow mystically, spell the end of the Red Sox as contenders as well. I'm comfortable blaming Bill Bellichik for pretty much anything so let's just say that all of the running up the score last year caused the Red Sox to lose this year.

As a side note, I originally wrote this piece on Thursday night when the Sox were losing 7-0.

Some hurt bad some really dying

"My friends, that was as invigorating as the first Lincoln Douglas debate, which as you know I moderated"

John McCain and Barack Obama held their third and final debate last night at Hofstra University, where McCain (pictured above, I don't know, dying of thirst or something) had one last chance to state a compelling reason for his candidacy (read: insult Barack Obama)

McCain read through the laundry list: Taxes, health care, Bill Ayers, ACORN (which no one understands) and an undecided voter from Ohio that Barack Obama met earlier this week, Joe the Plumber, who, as it turns out is not named Joe and is not actually a plumber. He is also not undecided and has been parroting McCain talking points all day. Si se puede.

It's hard, on the national stage, to win a Presidential election when you're presenting a) no clear vision of even remotely what you'd do and b) present no clear reason to vote for you, just reasons to vote against your opponent. John Kerry's salient message in 2004 was Anybody But Bush, and despite the fact that he had policy proposals and strategies for economic and military success (I'm assuming he did. Wait, he did, right?) he was not able to present himself as a positive alternative to President Bush, he was only able to effective attack the President.

That didn't work; partially because President Bush attacked back (and with bigger guns) but because he was able to craft an effective message that made sense against the backdrop of history. in 2008, McCain is running with a message that isn't sticking within the current climate and is banking on a victory the exact way he lost his primary battle with Bush in 2000 -- mud.

My point: McCain is done.

Hockey Mom I'd like to...

"Would you like to solve the puzzle?"

I haven't written too much on this space at all since John McCain thought the national political arena was a giant craps table and tabbed Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (R-ears his head... Alaska) as his running mate in August.

I could explain that away in a lot of ways. I could say that reality had become so funny (Palin/Couric interview, any John McCain public appearance) that the blogosphere didn't need my particular brand of sarcastic wit. I could say that I was so overwhelmed with the economic collapse and my dwindling 401k that I didn't have the time or energy to write.

However, the real reason was that I was busy, lazy, and I had writer's block.

Some things happened over the past two weeks on the Palin front that kind of knocked me off my laurels.

1) The wink


I counted three times that Sarah Palin winked at me, and me personally, during her debate with Joe Biden two weeks ago. From the first wink going forward I have no recollection of anything else happening except the next two winks. I watched the debate again a few days later, and this time made sure to avoid her winks as to fully ingest her performance.

And..... she was terrible. She said nothing. Nothing substantive in an hour and a half. Nothing that could be construed as particularly insightful, or meaningful. Nothing that cut through the clutter and presented any actual solutions.

If Joe Biden had been debating any of the other possible VP candidates the Republicans had been tossing around (Pawlenty, Lieberman, Romney) and had given the performance he gave against Palin (minus the stupid gaffes) the punditry would have called it the best VP debate performance in history.

But she winked me so I gave her an A-. And I watched the debate 14 times.

2) The investigation


It always give me an extra kick in my step when an actual headline is funnier than a potential Onion headline on the same subject.

In advance of an investigation in Alaska of Sarah Palin attempting to fire her former brother in law, the McCain campaign released its own report completely exonerating Palin. Wow, I didn't realize that you could do that! In that case I have a 12 inch penis.

The McCain campaign also made John McCain 10 years younger, Barack Obama a Muslim, Joe Biden a Muslim, Sarah Palin John McCain's wife, John McCain's Bangladeshi daughter white, and the economy sound.

I still have writer's block.

Our Waterloo?

Mark this day down. This marks the end of our civilization.