I'm too old for this shit

Cynthia Mckinney, the Congresswoman from Georgia who allegedly punched a Capitol Hill police officer on Wednesday, will be holding a press conference today with Danny Glover, which leads me to believe that she is either running as Ralph Nader's VP in 2008 or will be playing Glover's wife in Lethal Weapon 5.

McKinney's attorney calls the Congresswoman "just of victim of being in Congress while black", which, as a result of recent legislation sponsored by New York Congressman Gregory Meeks, is no longer a felony. Representatives of the Capitol police called the officer who was allegedly punched by Mckinney "just a victim of being punched in the face by an irate and psychotic Congresswoman." After viewing the above photo, Joan Rivers called the Congresswoman "just a fashion victim."

Friday news roundup

- Bush spent Thursday with Vicente Fox in Cancun, touring Mayan Ruins and judging wet t-shirt contests. It's great to see Bush out of his element, although it is Spring Break time so actually that is his element.

- The Rovian machine is rolling again, allowing Republicans in Congress to once again distance themselves from the President, this time on the immigration issue. Led by evil Representative Tom Tancredo (R-High Horse), the House Republicans have vowed to stand up to the Senate legislation offering defacto amnesty to 11 million illegal immigrants. Actual quote from California congressman and noted asshole Dana Rohrbacher: "Let the prisoners pick the fruits." Who's going to make the license plates?

- Former Nixon aide John Dean will be testifying today in a hearing to decide whether or not to censure President Bush. He will argue that Bush's covert actions are worse than Watergate, presumably by reading excerpts from his book, "Worse than Watergate: The Secret Presidency of George W. Bush" which will be on sale in the Dierksen Building. Checks can be made out Russ Feingold for President or sacks of money can be handed directly to Ken Mehlman.

- Three time's a chime for Naomi Campbell, who has been accused again of assaulting someone with a cell phone. Her former housekeeper has alleged that during an agrument, Campbell hit her in the back of a head with a cell phone, resulting in three stitches and four cartoon stars. Campbell was released on bail because she has an upcoming charity event with former South African President Nelson Mandela, with whom she will meet and then hit in the head with a cell phone.

Musings

- Transcript of conversation with my mom:
Me: You know, I just don't have a burning desire to have children...
Mom: Yeah, it's overrated.
Me: That's nice.

- Overheard by me at a basketball court near the town probation office:
Guy on cell phone: Yeah... I just got out from a meeting with my probation officer... Nah, he's in with his probation officer... I'm right outside... I'm twistin an L, man...
(Recap for non hip hop listeners: Following a meeting with his probation officer, this gentleman was waiting for an associate who was visiting his own probation officer, and while passing the time, he was rolling a marijuana cigarette.)

- Might be an understatement, but... bad week for Duke.

- Sharon Stone = 48 years old = full frontal nudity = Basic Instinct 2 = me first on line opening day. Also, Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.

Middle School holds Holocaust reenactment; hilarity ensues

A Middle School in Apopka, Florida performed an exercise labelling students as Jews by adorning eighth graders whose last names began with L-Z with yellow Stars of David, forcing them to go to the back of the lunch line, and prohibiting them from using certain water fountains. On the positive side, their math achievement scores went up, their hair turned curly, and the female students all expressed a desire to attend the University of Maryland.

The purpose of the reenactment was to teach the students about the early days of the Holocaust, but, according to one parent, "I tried to talk to my son and I asked all of these questions and the only thing he said is, 'Daddy, the only thing I found out today is I don't want to be Jewish." Join the club, kid. The school also planned on reenacting the final days of the Holocaust, but that would have been horribly illegal.

The school will also be holding a simulation exercise reenacting the racism of the 1950's and 1960's. "Black" students will be denied jobs, glared at when they enter convenience stores, and pulled over for no reason. Man, thank God that doesn't happen anymore.

And I'm getting blown away

Via CNN's unintentionally hilarious headline generator:



So beware future cyclones! FEMA means business. From previous evidence of the Bush administrations tactics, one can only assume that will mean vague threats, several patriotic speeches, some Pro-America country songs, and the ultimate invasion of a nearby earthquake.

To strict party platform ties

Where was this picture taken?

A) A JDate singles mixer.
B) A Purim orgy on the Upper West Side
C) A Ku Klux Klan meeting
D) A Kadima party celebration after the Israeli elections

The answer is of course D, and today Ehud Olmert and his nascient political party declared victory, winning nearly 25% of the seats in the Knesset. After giving his victory speech, Olmert smoked a cigarette and haggled over the price of a cell phone.

Young man, I was once in your shoes

Andy Card resigns on the same day that the cop from the Village People is about to get sent up the river?

Coincidence? I think not.

I pity the poor immigrant

And you're not winning any spelling bees.

Hundreds of thousands protested in several American cities over the weekend to protest the proposed Congressional legislation to construct a 700 mile long Maginot line along the US border with Mexico. Because that would have kept out the 9/11 hijackers! Oh, right.

Other anti terror immigration plans include: construction of a moat, large Do Not Enter signs, catapults, and invading the correct countries.

Misleading CNN headline of the week

That's nice guys.

Not sure what I like the best: the topographic map that makes it look like the middle of America has veins and arteries, the Weather Channel style wind direction arrows, the radioactive flying saucers, or the fact that Texas appears to be destroyed.

Here's the misleading Moderately Effed Headline of the week:

Musings

- CNN changed their website again. Biggest news of my week.

- I finally got a link from a "bigtime" blog last week, but then blogger.com effed up and changed the name of my post. There goes my 15 minutes of fame and all those blog groupies that I keep reading about.

- I'm still not recovered from Silvio's hospitilization. An asthma attack? You give Little Steven a fucking asthma attack? I'm beyond irate. Although, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" was hilarious. Also, here's to hoping Paulie winds up with Vito and Meadow winds up with me.

- I'm currently watching three seasons of 24. I have no idea what's happening. I've got Teri and Kim running from the safe house, Kim and that girl running away from the abusive husband, a bearded Jack, an alive Tony, Darlene from Roseanne, David Palmer in a flannel shirt... I got to get a life.

- Once again, I entered my gym and the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack was playing, this time set to a techno beat. And, I shit you not, Lifetime, Oprah, The Food Channel, and Home and Garden were on the four televisions in front of the cardio equipment.

Notes from NCAA tournament

- Gus Johnson needs to be paired with Bill Raftery, and CBS needs to develop the technology for them to broadcast every game of the tournament.

- Holy crap, enough with the Big Baby stuff. Great postgame performance on Saturday by Glen Davis, who called upon the audience to "Salute me motherfuckers" and then said that he was so hungry for a title that he felt like he had a "tapeworm". And the Portland Trailblazers select, from LSU...

- Why don't we slow down a bit on the Rudy Gay-next great NBA player stuff. On Friday night, he was invisible late in the game. Very CWebb-esque. Also, monumental choke job by Washington. Also very CWebb-esque.

- Most hilarious sight: Adam Morrison crying, Glen Davis dancing after beating Texas, or Bill Walton cheering on UCLA?

- Final Four: LSU, UCLA, GMU, UF. No number one seeds. Nice. Show me the nerd who picked that bracket correctly. And I was correct that Villanova, Gonzaga, and Memphis were not going to win the championship. Hooray! By the way, I picked Duke.

Nothing's over Volume 2

Man he looks so happy. New Osama banner ad, this one complete with AK47 hanging from the cave wall. Nice detail. Where's his dialysis machine?

Uh oh

This seems like bad news.

Apparently, Russia fed prewar intelligence to Iraq before the US invasion. Weren't things better when Russia was our devout enemy and it had villainous, shoe banging, birthmark headed despots? And what happened to Bush seeing into Putin's soul?

My prediction on Bush's public response: He says, "You're either with us or against us", invades Stalingrad, and hilarity ensues. The result:


Wolverines!!!

Nothing's over

I ran across this banner ad today:

Observations:

- Yeah, let's make our mortal enemy a cartoon character. That'll show him!

- He looks like Bluto from Popeye meets Fidel Castro.

- The intricately drawn cave backdrop is pretty excellent.

- Should I read anything into the fact that our gloves are read and his are blue?

Friday news roundup

- This isn't as bad as letting the UAE guard our ports, but can't we do anything in this country anymore? The US is contracting a Hong Kong company to run RADIATION MONITORS in the Bahamas. I apologize for the caps lock.

Money quote:

"The equipment operates itself," said Bryan Wilkes, a spokesman for the U.S. National Nuclear Security Administration, the agency negotiating the contract. "It's not going to be someone standing at the controls pressing buttons and flipping switches."

Does that make anyone feel safe about anything?

- Madeline Allbright penned an OpEd for the LATimes, where she argued that Bush's "Good vs. evil" strategy is a failure and simply rhetorical. She was promptly assassinated by Michael Chertoff.

- JJ Redick absolutely choked in the Duke loss to LSU in last night's NCAA tournament game, shooting 3-18. Then he cried. Redick immediately filmed an American Express commercial, where the lead in was: "I don't consider myself a valuable NBA prospect..." Also, LSU forward Glen Davis' nickname is Big Baby. I know because Dick Enberg and Jay Bilas mentioned it 40 times in last night's game.

And suddenly a new contender emerges

I'm not sure what look Phil Spector was going for in court today, but my guess is Peter Gammons meets Albert Einstein meets Sideshow Bob meets 1965 Bob Dylan after being electrocuted. Regardless, nice buttons!

Unfortunately, he does not edge out Michael Jackson as craziest celebrity ever, but he has now nudged just ahead of Crispin Glover and Tom Cruise.

Chinese buffets (Why we're fat Volume 1)

First, an aside.

My gym is housed in the same building as a Chinese buffet, which in addition to being the very definition of irony, makes for amusing observational comedy as well as the tangy, sweet smell of General Tao's/Tso's/Zao's/Zau's/Gao's chicken each and every time you head to a work out.

It's not difficult to play the guessing game of who's going into the gym and who's on their way to gorge themselves, although it is slightly tricky because both groups are wearing sweatwear, one for athletic comfort and one because of the laws of physics. I have been fooled once, but that was because a guy entering the Chinese Buffet was so fat that I thought he was, in fact, two people wearing matching FUBU gear.

Chinese buffets can best be defined as God's gift to heart disease. Batter dipped chicken soaked in fatty thick viscous liquids, towers of ribs, deep fried objects (seriously, do you ever have any idea what's in them?) piles of ice cream and jello, and then, just for irony's sake, the salad bar, which mocks the morbidly obese with its carrots and green peppers, which are then covered in Extra fat Bleu cheese dressing or chocolate sauce, whichever is closer.

Another aside: When I was 16, my mother and grandmother picked me up from nerd camp in Winston Salem, and we drove back through the lovely southern landscape. Thank God no one knew I was Jewish. At any rate, we stopped off at Shoney's, which I guess is like a Southern version of Perkins or Ponderosa. They have an all day buffet. To this day, my grandmother and I still talk about one rotund future NASCAR fan, who was carefully balancing a plate piled about a foot high with bacon and green jello.

Conclusions:

1. Chinese Buffets were created by Deng Xiaoping in the late 1980's to slowly kill Americans with MSG.

2. Luckily, Florida will be hit the hardest. In fact, I predict Florida will get so fat by 2015 that it will snap off and fall into the Gulf of Mexico, causing a tsunami that will devastate a finally rebuilt New Orleans.

3. For humor's sake, Chinese Buffets should all be situated next to gyms, parks, beaches, hospitals, and mortuaries. The last two just for convenience.

Bad hair life

I have never gotten a good haircut. I can remember one day in my entire life where my hair looked good, and I was drunk that day so I didn't get to enjoy it. No homo.

I have reached full desparation. I don't know what to do. Shaving it off is not an option because I have a gigantic and non-oval head, and letting it grow out won't work because I will look like Gonzaga small forward and NCAA scoring champ Adam Morrison. Without the facial hair because I can't grow a moustache.

I think a big part of my problem is that I only once have paid more than $14.95 for a haircut, and that was unintentional because the barbershop didn't post their prices. Who knew a place with a rotating barber pole would charge $27? At any rate, that haircut sucked, too.

So, is it time to break off my long time relationship with Supercuts? Maybe ease me out by trying out Great Cuts, then going to a place where I need to make an appointment, then finally culminating in a salon that employs only men named Glenn and Blake who speak with British accents but were raised in Nyack?

Desire

Courtesy of Drudge, two of my favorite things. Jessica Alba and a story about a horse who had erectile disfunction. Excellent juxtaposition.

So a guy buys a horse and finds out it was impotent. Let's hope there was another horse involved in this discovery. A vet exams the horse, gives it viagra and sends it on its turgid way.
And you know who that horse grew up to be? Hillary Clinton.

Musings

- The theme from Brokeback Mountain was playing when I walked into my gym yesterday.

- Al Gore continues to deny that he is running for President in 2008. Great, that only leaves about 9 losers who are going to try to beat Hillary. Can we draft Perot?

- Baseball season starts in a week and a half. Over under of three weeks before the Post and the Daily News start calling the Mets a bust and Isaiah Thomas trades for Pedro Martinez. Ya Gotta Believe!

- Terrell Owens signed with Dallas, better known as "The Place where former A List receivers go to die". So, let's see. The Cowboys have a disciplinarian coach and a subpar quarterback. Sounds like a great season for TO! He'll be begging for chunky soup by week 4.

Oh, so this is what is sounds like when doves cry

Utah Jazz power forward and former Duke Blue Devil Carlos Boozer decided to drop his impending lawsuit against Prince, who had been renting out Boozer's mansion and made serious alterations to the exterior.

Whoa. So Prince is renting a mansion from Carlos Boozer? What? Why? Thinking about this makes my head hurt.

Prince added purple stripes, a Prince symbol, and the numbers 3121 (his new album title) to the exterior of the house, in the apparent hope that passing aircraft and whoever happened to drive by might be music fans.

Apparently, the real reason was there was that Boozer finally found out that Prince was just feigning his homosexuality so he could cohabitate with his cheery female roommates, Janet and Chrissy.

Drudge

I scan the Drudge Report several times a day, usually to catch up on the national weather forecast, confirm my suspicions that Tupac is indeed not dead, and to see unnecessarily embarrassing photographs of celebrities with insulting and not clever headlines attached to them.

Here is a modest parody of a siren-worthy day in the life of Matt Drudge.

Then they'll kill him with self-confidence

This week has seen a lot of saber rattling and ball grabbing by the Bush adminstration, who has not only fully set its sights on Iran but reupped in its support for the efforts in Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld yesterday compared the Iraqi insurgents to Nazis, which besides being incredibly historically inaccurate, probably offended Abe Foxman at the Anti-Defamation League. Muqtada Al-Sadr then compared the United States to the Keystone cops.

As if they administration's complete incompetence in Iraq and pretty every where else that they have attemped anything wasn't enough, I stumbled upon a picture of the Staff Director of the National Security Agency, Lieutenant General Keith Alexander.


That's a handsome woman.

Don't block up the the hall

The three year anniversary of the start of the Iraq war was marked by worldwide protests, and as far as Matt Drudge was concerned, they were being led by Asian mimes and Fiona Apple lookalikes. Better call in the Ohio National Guard.

In Hollywood, Crash director Paul Haggis led an anti war protest. Excellent. Now the world will pay attention.

Also, the President doesn't care.

Beat or cheat or mistreat you

The New York Times is running an article in tomorrow's edition where they uncover an American interrogation room in Iraq where the US military questioned prisoners in an attempt to find Al Musab al-Zarqawi, the Al Queda operative who settled in Iraq after we invaded. Detainees were spat on, hit with rifle butts, and shot at with paint balls. No word if Johnny Knoxville was involved.

I give this two thumbs up! Rather, two thumbs up but one thumb broken by a rifle butt. I have no problem torturing terrorist detainees if there is reason to believe that they know the whereabouts of other terrorists or the details of future attacks. Or if they look at you funny. Humiliating prisoners for no reason, while entertaining, is a completely different story. But if someone is caught trying to kill civilians or American troops and the military thinks they might know something important, they should be given almost carte blanche. But not in French.

So, to recap:


In other news, I nearly kicked a girl in the face at the gym today. Serves her right.

Got a man of the people, says keep hope alive

Sigh.

Friday news roundup

- President Bush welcomed the Irish Prime Minister to the White House today to talk about the Northern Ireland peace plan. Then they got hammered.

- In California, there was another shooting at a Denny's, bringing the grand total to three Denny's shootings in as many days. One more and it's a Grand Slam! So not only can't black people get hired there, but if you want something to eat, you might get shot. And they don't give free meals on your birthday anymore. Just disgraceful.

- Everybody ready for the dumbest fashion statement ever?


- We invaded Iraq three years ago. Thank god that's over. Whew.

Zut alors

This will be the first St. Patrick's Day since I've been of age that I will not drink a Guinness. I'm not sure if I'm proud or depressed. To celebrate the holiday, my mother told me today for the first time that I am part French. What the fuck?

Erin go bragh. Or something.

Goodbye, yellow brick road

"Wait, you're not molesting children here anymore? Damnit."

Michael Jackson is closing down his Neverland Ranch, putting an end to arguably the strangest chapter of his life. Jackson, of course, is now living in Bahrain. You know, where most former singers go to relax. Jackson apparently owed hundreds of thousands of dollars in back wages to employees of the Neverland Ranch. The bastard. Who would have ever thought he would be so insensitive and careless?

It's sad, really. With Jackson in Bahrain and the ranch closing, we lose an endless amount of entertainment from the strangest human being ever. We can only hope that Jackson meets a camel, falls in love, and produces a reality show on MTV. I'm crossing my fingers.

Aaaaaarmy training, sir

Recent Bush administration rhetoric seems to be confirming many Americans' worst fears; that the President is gearing up for a possible invasion of Iran. Hey, if two thirds of your own country didn't like you, you would invade Iran too.

Despite Bush's Dr. Strangelove like confidence in our military, the truth is we don't have the troop strength to continue a presence in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere around the world. So, President Bush is proposing a radical restructuring of the military. His plans can be summed up in this crudely constructed graphic:


These colors don't run.

Internet, ay?

Two funny things came across my computer screen today. The first was from Foxnews.com. Now, I know that conservatives tend to hearken back to the olden days, but this seems like a bit much. Apparently, the Harriet Miers Supreme Court nomination is having some problems. Who knew?



The second is something that has been bugging me for a while now, but it involves the Oceania style delving that Google has become famous for; customizing headlines based upon what text is in your emails. As I cleaned out my spam folder...


Sounds great.

It's Madness

I love the NCAA tournament. There is a no better three week period for a sports fan than March Madness, culminating in a weekend in April featuring the Final Four, championship game, opening weekend of baseball season, and the final games of the NBA season. I live for these three weeks.

And I have no idea who I'm picking in the tournament. I do horribly ever year, except in 2003 when I picked Kansas over Syracuse and placed third. Had Kansas won that game, I would have won $500. Thanks a lot, Kirk Hinrich.

This year, I'm even more clueless than normal, because I haven't watched enough games not featuring Duke and Uconn to get a good picture of the whole field. I'm slacking severely as a sports fan. There are three highly ranked teams, however, that I know are bad picks to go into the far rounds.

3) Villanova - Jay Wright is too greasy to lead a team to a championship. That is all.

2) Memphis - As a Nets fan, it's nice to see Coach Cal with a number one seed, but their schedule was pretty weak. Let's hope that Darius Washington doesn't pull another Nick Anderson.

1) Gonzaga - I picked them to go to the eights every year between '99 and '03, but despite the presence of Unfrozen Caveman Small forward Adam Morrison, the fact that they play no defense might pose a problem for them.

I hate to say it, but I think if they can deal with defensive pressure and Paulus, Dockery, and Nelson can penetrate, Duke wins. Unless teams are able to double Redick on man to man or go box and one, these games shouldn't be close.

Dark horse

Former Virginia Governor and moderate Democrat wet dream Mark Warner will be profiled in this Sunday's New York Times Magazine, and the cover will feature this very flattering image.


All right, the horse was my addition. Man, he's got chiclets in there. He's also dressed like he's about to host the Match Game. Like a lot of politicians, it seems to be impossible to find a good picture of Warner, with the exception of maybe this one:


Warner hungry.

If it's him or them that's really insane

During his trial today, Saddam Hussein called on fractured Iraqi forces to band together and fight the American military still in Iraq. He continued, "And somebody find my contact lenses! I look ridiculous!"

The judge halted the trial after Hussein's overtly political language, and the two bickered until the judge adjourned the trial. Hussein continued to claim that he was still the President of Iraq and Commander of its military, and the judge reminded him that he was simply a legal defendant. Confused, Hussein tried to gas him.

The former despot also introduced his newest line of "Dictat-wear", which is a wonderful meld of Mr. Rogers and Injured-NBA-player-on-the-sidelines.

Nice branding

Come on. As if the Republicans don't have it easy enough already?
And what's with the color coordination? I'm switching parties.

It's all a matter of perspective

President Bush made a detour today to meet with Jason Mcelwain, the autistic basketball player who made headlines recently when he scored 20 points in 4 minutes, including 6 three point shots. In comparison, Bush once nearly died while eating a pretzel.

"It's such an honor to be with someone who has overcome such a disability, such odds, and come so far," a statement read. President Bush was reportedly impressed with Jason Mcelwain as well.

Damn you Robocop!

The dad from That 70's Show should have killed you when he had the chance.

A name so nice they named him twice

Robert Kennedy assassin Sirhan Sirhan is up for parole next week, and if the parole board recommends his release, it will be up to California Governor and star of Running Man Arnold Schwarzenegger whether or not to release him. Coupled with the fact that Schwarzenegger is married to Robert Kennedy's niece Maria Shriver and that he appeared in Hercules Goes Bananas, there is a fear of a conflict of interest.

Moreover, there is a fear that maybe it isn't such a good idea to have a bodybuilding actor making life or death decisions. Apparently, that's just my fear.

Slobo, Slobo, Slobo

A doctor in Holland has advanced the theory that Slobodan Milosevic had been faking a medical condition and his attempt to manipulate his medicine might have contributed to his death over the weekend.

You know, just when you think you know a guy, he goes and does such a horrifying thing. Who could have predicted such callous behavior? Oh, right.

In other horrifying news, Milosevic supporters are demanding a funeral with full state honors. Speakers will include Augusto Pinochet, Baby Doc, Muammar Quadhafi, Kim Jong Il, General Suharto, Emperor Palpatine, Pol Pot's ghost, Mephistopheles (AKA Satan), and Regis Philbin.

Musings

- What does it say about me that my idea of fresh air involves horse manure?

- I caught this blurb while flipping through the radio dial and landing on the "Christians lecturing me" station: "I mean, when was the last time God called you and asked to borrow a couple of bucks?" Well, there was that one time, but God really needed that hooker.

- Isaac Hayes quite South Park, apparently upset with the show's "inappropriate ridicule" of religion. Then he sang "Suck on my chocolate salty balls" and drove off in his gold Cadillac. Who will replace him? You guessed it: Frank Stallone.

- President Bush's approval rating is muddled at 35%. As a comparison, President Clinton's approval rating was 65% when he left office. I don't have a point here, I just wanted to mention that Clinton's approval was 65%.

Whoops

Yay, incompetent government! The judge in the trial of "20th hijacker" Zacharias Moussaoui is weighing declaring a mistrial or dropping the death penalty because the government attorneys have been improperly coaching witnesses.

Plus, a comically drawn court sketch! Is that Ben Harper?


Apparently our federal judges still wear powdered wigs.
Oh, never mind she's a woman. Apparently we allow women to be federal judges.

And now I know you're dissatisfied with your position and your place

Senator Joe Biden appeared on Meet the Press yesterday, and when asked why he hasn't traveled to the Gulf Coast region since Hurricane Katrina, he responded that he didn't want to "grandstand". Due to uproarious laughter, Tim Russert immediately cut to commercial.

I must go where it's quiet

Shut up.

In your face, Strawberry!

Duke won the ACC championship today, beating Boston College by two points and proving once again that they are slightly overrated. JJ Redick shot a lot of jumpers and played poor defense. Coach K complained about the officiating. Josh McRoberts grimaced. I'm just guessing; I didn't watch the game.

In other news, center Shelden Williams still looks like Ken Griffey Jr. when he guest starred on the Simpsons, even sans his grotesquely swollen jaw.

Who uses all of his powers to do evil

Sad news out of the Hague today, where famed character actor Brian Dennehy died today of a heart ailment. His gruff demeanor and no nonsense attitude will be missed. No, wait, that's Slobodan Milosevic. Well that's not sad news at all.

At any rate, Milosevic's death means his trial cannot continue, which is unfortunate because it would have been nice to find him guilty and throw him in a cell for another twenty years. Interestingly, some Milosevic supporters throughout Europe grieved over his death. That's nice.

Another dipshit in Congress!

Move over, Henry Clay, there's a new legislator in town. And he means business. Pinstriped business. This has been in the works for several months now, but now it's official. Raj Bhakta, who appeared on The Apprentice during season 2, is running for Congress against Freshman Congresswoman Allyson Schwartz.

Wow. I see upside and downside. The upside is the return to Congress of the bowtie, which of course has been absent since the retirement of Senator Paul Simon (D-Illinois) in 1996. In terms of downside.... Who am I kidding, there is no downside! I love it! This can only bring entertainment, including Donald Trump feeling slighted by the media and running for President in response. Which would be huge. Absolutely huge. The Apprentice.

Ha ha

No clever title for this post. I'm still laughing.

Basically, a guy was "on his way to bible study" when a woman knocked on his door and told him that she was there to give him a free strip-o-gram. Obviously, being a good Christian, he allowed the woman to peddle her wares. And that's when her friend busted in and held up this God fearing man with a knife. Sounds normal, right? On way to church, woman comes to house and offers lap dance, you accept. Typical Sunday morning.

Money quote:

Skinner said he owed Talbert money for sex one time but not for a previous time when he said she fell asleep before they could have sex.

Adam allegedly tied up Skinner and hit him in the face. Investigators said Murphy went upstairs to find valuables and returned with thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction.

The pair allegedly tried to take Skinner's car, but it was out of gas.

I didn't mean to treat you so bad, you shouldn't take it so personal

What the hell is that in reference to?

Maybe New Orleans. Uh, no. Iraq? Nope. General poverty? No. Current soldiers? No. Veterans? Hell no. Old folks? Nope. Children? Absolutely not. Gays? Ha ha. The sick? No. The mentally ill? No.

Sigh.

A little too ironic

Since when does President Bush care about what anybody thinks? It's his steely resolve and laser focus coupled with horse blinders that make him such a visionary leader. I am so disappointed.

Hey, you know what else sends a bad message to our allies in the Mideast? When we let the terrorist who attacked us scamper off into Pakistan and then invade a country that we apparently chose in a game of darts.

TV Time

I watched two new shows this week, one was utterly disappointing and the other was quite possibly the greatest show in the history of television.

The bad show was "The Unit", starring President David Palmer, the T1000 from Terminator 2, and Jennifer Garner's ex husband. The show is about a supersecret division of the Army that goes around kicking ass and taking names. And it was awful. The acting was on par with a porno. Not since Pedro Cerrano became buddhist has Dennis Haysbert mailed it in this badly. No further analysis is needed, as this show will probably not last until Midnight this season of 24. Here's hoping that David Palmer is reanimated, beats Lynn McGill to death with a chair, has a threesome with Kim Bauer and Martha Logan, and then runs for President again.

The great show was Black. White. Holy crap. The Eddie Murphy "White Like Me" SNL sketch from the 80's has been made into a television series on FX, and it isn't even my birthday. A black family from Atlanta and a white family from Santa Monica use makeup and crude hairpieces and trade races and move into a house together to help each other adapt to being the opposite race. A few quick highlights: The white women wonders what she is supposed to do when she walks into a room, asking, "Am I supposed to just high five everyone?" The black guy goes golfing. The white daughter goes to a rap poetry class and tells everyone there her favorite band is the Cranberries. I cannot wait for episode 2.

The most ridiculous item of the day

I guess it's pretty much a free for all in the Free section of craigslist. But why tell everyone it's your poop? You could say it was chocolate, or mud, or paint, or even dog poop. And I can tell you the only thing more embarrassing then telling the entire Boston Craigslist community that you crapped the bed -- including a picture of yourself.

News Roundup

- Chuck Schumer participated in a press conference. In other news, water is still wet. Hillary Clinton has an ice cream headache.

- The UAE has agreed to transfer their eventual control over several US ports to an American "entity". Can it be a company or just some sort of monster? What about Star Jones?

- Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff suggested that the Bird Flu will hit the United States within the next several months. Or else.

- I am obsessed with Michael Chertoff.

- President Bush renewed the Patriot Act today, sending nerdly bloggers everywhere into a deep depression. Russ Feingold thumped his chest and attended temple.

- Hey, I had no idea that the Sopranos was premiering on March 12 on HBO. Has there been any news coverage of this?

And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

Three horsemen of the apocalypse?

Michael Chertoff on the front page of New York Times website? Check.


David Hasselhoff beating his wife? Check.



Liquid water on a moon of Saturn? Check.

I'm packing a bag and heading for the hills, and I suggest that you all do the same. It's the end times. Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria!

It's easy to see without looking too far that not too much is really sacred

Wow, this even offends me. And I own Team America:World Police on DVD. Some guy is selling "Wal-ocaust" t-shirts and other paraphenalia to protest something or other. WalMart sued, and now this guardian of our communities and moral decency has to cease and desist selling these products.

Couple of notes. First, what's Mao doing there? He was a communist. He probably would have hated WalMart unless it were owned and operated by the PRC. The Nazi Eagles are a nice touch, but Edvard Munch's The Scream? I'm not sure what you're even going for there. And the cattle crossing signs? Please tell me you're calling the American public cattle, and not drawing further upon the holocaust comparison.

So, not funny, pretty nonsensical, and insults the Communist Chinese, Norwegian artists, Holocaust survivors, NeoNazis, cows, the ATF, the Walton family and Arkansas as a whole, and blue collar workers everywhere. Great job.

Open letter to Aaron Karo

Dear Aaron Karo:

I thought I had rid myself of your overreaching, seldomly funny, self referential, arrogant, exaggerative, nuanced "Ruminations on College Life" which in 2003 I think you renamed "Ruminations on desperately squeezing everything I can out of my 15 minutes while my website can still get me laid by Jewish girls who went to camp with my fraternity brothers", but apparently not.


Front page of Boston.com? Really? Who cancelled?

I don't care about the triplets. I don't care about your apartment in Los Angeles, or how you can't get a good breakfast sandwich in California. I don't care about how much more awkward the walk of shame is when you're 26 then when you're in college. Enough.

The only thing I really care about is why, despite unsubscribing from your website several times, I continue to get unfunny updates every three weeks about your college tours or the big TV show that you have in the works or that you're about to appear on VH1's "I haven't been famous since 1999".

One other thing. You're a dude. Enough with the glamour shots on your website, all right? Unless you're modeling for Heeb magazine, I think you've crossed the Rubicon into full fledged narcissism.

Finally, the one thing I like is how you end each column with a reference from the beginning of the column and "Fuck me." Exactly, fuck you.


Sincerely,
The entire Moderately Effed family

Disrespect I'll shoot ya

President Bush sent out his proverbial attack dog to hit Iran today, and Vice President Cheney said that, "we will not allow Iran to have a nuclear weapon." Please, pretty please?

I find these threats not only eerily similar to the rhetoric that the Bush administration used in the fall of 2002, but mindblowingly hollow. WE DO NOT HAVE THE TROOPS to back up the the threat of invasion against Iran, and I think it is pretty clear that not only do they know that but that they will continue their pursuit of a nuke despite of any other consequences.

In other words:


Cheney then went on to threaten "meaningful consequences" if Iran develops nuclear weapons. Those meaningful consequences? You guessed it: birdshot to the face.

All the kids looking up to me can suck my (expletive)

I was at a Pirates/Diamondbacks game in August of 2001, when Luis Gonzalez was barely keeping up with Barry Bonds in his chase for the home run record, and before the game there must have been at least a dozen fans yelling to Gonzalez, "Please, Luis, beat Barry!"

Barry Bonds has been hated for a long time, but this story goes beyond the pale. Death threats, extortion, numerous affairs, tax evasion... And all of that is completely separate from the fact that he has been doping, heavily, for that matter, since Mark McGwire injected his way into the record books in 1998.

If Barry had retired after that season with an injury, he would have been a hall of famer. 411 homeruns, 445 stolen bases, 1216 RBI's, 7 gold gloves, three MVP awards. So what was it? A need to silence the critics who have been curiously following for his whole career? A chance to finally fully get out of the shadow of his father? A chance to get out of the shadow of Willie Mays? Or just plain sociopathy?

Such a depressing day. Two genuine heroes, Kirby Puckett and Dana Reeve, die, and now more and more of these layers of Bonds start to get peeled away, and its just so awful. The baseball purist in me disagrees, but maybe Bonds' 71 shouldn't just have an asterisk, but it should be erased altogether. Call the Maris family.

Musings

- 36 Mafia becomes the most improbably Academy award winners ever, just edging out Marissa Tomei. They also become the first award winner to actually get censored during their acceptance speech. Further, their after party becomes the setting for Snoop Dogg's new porno video, "Smoke weed until we lose all tactile function and then have sex with several women"

- The "Jack Bauer staring down C. Thomas Howell face" should immediately be bronzed into the Hollywood walk of fame underneath Kiefer Sutherland's Star. Also, which episode of 24 this year will finally feature the "Tony Almeida-Jack Bauer-Curtis Manning Bad Ass Motherfucker-off"? Judges will include John McLane, Martin Riggs, and the T1000 from Terminator 2.

- Not only can Saturday Night Live only do one funny thing every month, but rap is apparently their only outlet. In related news, I love Natalie Portman, and I hereby offer to pay for her dry cleaning.

Rundown of my weekend in Boston
- Number of Cambridge streets vomited on: 1
- Number of topless photos of me: 1
- Number of bars I was helped out of by a girl: 1
- Number of pieces of shumai consumed at Dim Sum at China Pearl: Not enough
- Number of times the Brokeback Mountain theme was played at the Oscars: 58

Musings

- James Blunt and Barry Gibb: The same person? I think yes.

- This video is amazing. Check out the sweatshirt the redhead is wearing. Represent!*

- Bush knew that the levees might break, he was told that Iraq was not a threat before he invaded, 72% of troops favor withdrawal from Iraq, but hey, time for a party pic!


Give it up for refusal to sign the Nuclear Non-proliferation treaty! What what!**


*I apologize for caucasian misuse of a horribly outdated hip-hop term
** And again.

Dreams do come true

Apparently, the Defense Department believes that Al Queda has recruited Scuba Steve to lead their assault against the United States, because they are now researching placing neural implants into sharks so the fish can serve as underwater spies.

I love this plan. A few problems with this "Smart shark" program, though. First, it will clearly result in the gruesome death of Samuel L. Jackson, and possibly Michael Rapaport, which wouldn't be a bad thing. Secondly, are you fucking kidding me? Has the Pentagon ever heard of the word: "priorities"? And finally, the problem with a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin'... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces.

Website of the week

In all my years, I have never come across a cause that deserved more attention from the American public. If I had any money, I would donate it all to this effort, which I defy anyone to besmirch. Hurricanes, tsunamis, AIDS research, the ASPCA, Doctors Without Borders, Habitat for Humanity, Christian Charities... They all pale in comparison.

Come on, patriots! Open up your wallets, and your hearts...