Saturday, May 31, 2008

What are two words I never want to see in the same story

Friday, May 30, 2008

Running on -- Running on empty


I'm heading "across the pond" tomorrow (I hate myself for writing that) and will be blogging sporadically for the next two weeks. Hopefully, I will drink as much Scotch as Hillary Clinton, and hopefully by the time I'm back to this country Barack will be mano-a-oldmano with John McCain.

Hope. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.

Hmm...

The Lakers beat the Spurs last night, winning the series 4 games to 1 and sending LA to the NBA Finals. Here's a little nugget from ESPN:

So.... the Spurs and Lakers have joined the WNBA?

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Connection?

There should be a joke here but I'm too hopped up on anti-cold medication to come up with one.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

You did it, you maniacs

Link courtesy of PK, the New York Times scared the shit out of me today:


I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want a robotic arm.

Wha' happen?

The big news story in Washington this week, aside from Hillary Clinton casually mentioning political assassinations, is good old Lyin' Scotty McClellan showing his sweaty face again, pushing his new book:


Usually I don't quote myself, but in this case I will refer to my comments in November of 2007 when news of McClellan's conversion to truthtelling first went public:

"..Hey, Scott? Go fuck yourself.

I pray to God that this doesn't wipe away your conscience, that in 20 years you're awake at night in your three million dollar house, trying to shake the feeling that "Hey, maybe I helped facilitate treason and sustain a war by shielding genuinely immoral men from justice". So I urge all 10 of my readers to destroy every copy of Scott McClellan's book, "No, I'm going to have to lie here, too, Helen". Do not allow him to gain salvation with your money..."

I have no problem with political conversions. I have gone from pro-choice to pro-life to pro-choice, from anti Iraq War to pro Iraq War to anti Iraq War, from Barack to Hillary to Barack, etc... As a child and a college student, I felt so strongly about the positions that I took that I found it relatively impossible to understand where the other side was coming from, I think as time has gone on and my own opinions have changed, I've begun to realize that there are indeed countering opinions.

But lying to the American public for 3 years, suddenlty "truthing" and then expecting the public to buy your book, suddenly accept your words as gospel, and be forgiven? Hmmm.... what are the word I'm looking for...

Go fuck yourself, Scott.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ricky... what? Ricky, your majesty

I left work early on Friday and I was a bit out of it, so I missed New York Governor and notable adulterer David Paterson making the biggest news story of the month: pardonning rapper and creator of one of the greatest albums ever made, The Art of Storytelling, Slick Rick (AKA Rick the Ruler).

"La di da di, we like to.... get pardoned"

I came to being a fan of Slick Rick after his incarceration in the 1990's and immediately following the release of the aforementioned The Art of Storytelling, which is equal parts lyrical, beat-driven, and extremely offensive, which is my kind of hip hop. The best example on the album is called "Adults Only", in which Rick sings the monumental lyric, "ain't no way to put it subtle, when I want the butthole"

Rick had been in limbo because of an attempted murder case in the early 90's as well as some immigration issues. I for one am excited that the Governor finally agreed to undo this great injustice, which will inevitably lead to Rick recording the line, "I don't mean to be a hassle, I just want to fuck your asshole"*

*Sorry

Friday, May 23, 2008

Travelin thru

CNN, with the ever present Quick Vote:

Old man, look at your life

"My friends, I haven't felt this vigorous since the Battle of Yorktown."

John McCain let the media look at his medical records yesterday, guaranteeing no press attention because of the holiday weekend and because the media loves John McCain. Here are some actual quotes from the article on Foxnews.com, which has to win an award for most lukewarm clean-as-a-whistle report ever:

- “I do not see any worrisome lesions”
- “I think physiologically he is considerably younger than his chronologic age based on his cardiovascular fitness"
- “We don’t have a crystal ball, but we have no way to say anything at the present time would preclude him from running for office”
- “He’s not cured,” Lessin said. Still, the biggest risk of recurrence is in the first few years, so at eight years out, the chances of melanoma returning at that spot and killing him is “in the single digits,” he added. “He’s pretty much out of the woods.”
- He has occasional momentary episodes of dizziness, when he gets up suddenly.

Well I'm convinced.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ride wit me

Senator John McCain (R-eally old. Seriously) is holding a bit of a get together at his place in Arizona this weekend, and is inviting, among others, three men who have bandied about as frontrunners for the Vice Presidential nod: Former Massachusetts Governor and current dickbag Mitt Romney, Florida Governor and noted gay Charlie Crist, and Louisiana Governor and non-white Bobby Jindal.

Here's a fun picture of McCain attempting to look, I don't know, semiconscious:


The list of VP candidates is certainly in its early stages, but I'm comfortable handicapping:

- Mitt Romney -- Too greasy
- Bobby Jindal -- Too... much melanin
- Charlie Crist -- Gay
- Lindsay Graham -- Gay
- Condi Rice -- Lacks pulse
- Carly Fiorina -- Who?
- Mike Huckabee -- Too late he's already gained all the weight back.
- Joe Lieberman -- Haha.
- John Hoeven -- Has moustache.
- Tom Ridge -- OH MY GOD WE'RE ON ALERT LEVEL RED

Oh and Hillary Clinton sucks.

Monday, May 19, 2008

And then return?

An upsetting story hit the wires today from Iraq. Not as upsetting as the "63 people die in village bombing" or "Three soldiers killed by roadside bomb" stories that we get on a daily basis, but upsetting nonetheless.

Apparently a US soldier has been using the Q'uran for target practice.

As I like to keep this space as light as I can and usually avoid serious topics, as I read the article I noticed an interesting nugget:

" The military said Sunday that the soldier responsible had been disciplined and pulled from Iraq.

Col. Bill Buckner, a U.S. military spokesman, described the incident as "serious and deeply troubling" but called it an isolated case."

That's right.


This explains everything. After all the poor planning, misexecution, and downright idiocy of the War by the Bush administration, they have finally brought in the best scapegoat possible. Of course, I'm sure some pundits will say that the war was Bush's fault for leaving Buckner in Iraq too long, or Rumsfeld's fault for asking for himself to be pulled early on in the game, or Petraeus' fault for not executing the surge for the appropriate length of time, or Bob Stanley's fault for throwing a wild pitch, but I think we all know that the hearts of the discerning American people will once again cause us to blame Bill Buckner.

McCain in 2008!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Speaking of...

Of course by "high-tech methods" the Boston Globe meant "utilizing an obscenely racist computer program". This is so absurd I don't know where to start. The nose, the lips, the wife beater... is this from Grand Theft Auto: Charleston 1854?

Use all the colors, that you want to

CNN, getting a little racist with the headlines these days?


PS: I don't care about John Edwards.

It's FANNNNNtastic

It's official, ESPN uses the worst in game photographers imaginable:

Kobe looks like he realized Pau Gasol just farted and Kevin Garnett looks retarded. Great job guys.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bearing down -- get it?


The US Department of Interior today decided to list the polar bear as a "threatened species" because of their dwindling numbers and because, according to Secretary of Interior Dirk Kempthorne "the Vice President very much enjoys eating polar bears".

I dont have another joke here -- I just think polar bears are naturally both funny and cute and I felt like putting a picture of them on the blog.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

To the place, I belong


Hillary Clinton (D-ying a slow death) is looking more and more ready to call it a campaign. Voters in West Virginia go to the polls today and will undoubtedly hand her a huge victory, which her campaign will trumpet until she wins another huge victory in Kentucky, which her campaign will trumpet until OH MY GOD IT'S OVER.

Clinton will win in West Virginia, she will win in Kentucky, she'll work out some sort of something with Florida and Michigan, and then she'll go away. She has to go away. Someone needs to make her go away. We need to get on to the general where the real race-baiting can begin. I know I'm excited.

Monday, May 12, 2008

As usual

CNN, coming through in the clutch with the quick vote:


And the obvious winner:

Terror firma

As this a humor (ahem) blog, I rarely venture away from the funny/moderately funny into the serious. This week, however three things happened in the world which shifted my focus away from both the real world me running a half marathon, but also my attempting to provide levity to an otherwise mundane work day of mine and my 10 readers.

It's hard to envision 1,000,000 deaths, which is an outside prediction in Myanmar. A country of just over 42,000,000 million, that would be the equivalent of just over 7,000,000 American deaths. Total disaster, coupled with a government's hesitance to both respond effectively and accept help, has made it worse.

Today, a 7.9 earthquake hit China and nearly 10,000 people have died.

The third thing was going to be a joke about Jimmy Fallon being named Conan Obrien's replacement but I feel sick so that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The finish line

While I haven't mentioned it on this space because somehow the writer me is so self involved as to not discuss the real world me, the real world me is running a half marathon tomorrow. I have trained relatively hard (moderately hard would be more appropriate) since January.

Despite this training I am currently taking odds on whether or not I'll crap out at mile 11, requiring an equine ambulance to come and pick me up or shoot me in the head with a shotgun.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Shut the door, but didnt lock it


I'm not going to say I'm happy, nor convinced, nor relieved. I'm not going to say the race is over, and that it's a McCain/Obama fight from now on. I'm not going to say Hillary has gone the way of Dean, of Tsongas, of Hart, and of Muskie.

A win in Indiana would have sealed it -- the incredibly narrow loss he pulled off just loosened her wheels a bit. She doesn't have much left. And yet she presses on.

But, girl, when George McGovern tells you to throw in the towel, it's time to throw in the towel.

Happy birthday to me. Also to former underage porn star Traci Lords. That's who I share my birthday with. Traci Lords.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Oh God please let it be over


North Carolina (come on and raise up take your shirt off, spin it 'round your head like a helicopter) and Indiana (no appropriate song lyric) are voting today. A Barack sweep would put Hillary on her heels, a Hillary sweep would cause Terry McCauliffe's head to explode, and a Barack/Hillary split would put me closer to ending up in an equine ambulance.

Please.... Please... My birthday is tomorrow. I don't want to hear the word "comeback" leave Hillary Clinton's mouth unless it's in the context by "Wow Barack you gave me the asswhooping of a lifetime I will never come back to national politics".

Monday, May 05, 2008

A horse doctor, an animal man

This weekend I attended a small Kentucky Derby party. Mint juleps were served, wagers were placed, and the final contest had us generating our own list of fake horse names . My two were Gallup Poll and Rumble in the Jungle. The unaminous winner was a three year old at the party who picked "Potato".

So we watched for 120 seconds as a Big Brown crushed the competition, blowing out the second place finisher Eight Belles by several lengths, then watched Big Brown's jockey (apparently dressed as Evil Kenievel) slowly gallop the horse around the track.

Then the wheels (or hooves) came off as the cameras fixated on the placing horse Eight Belles, who was lying motionless on the ground as several other horses and trainers lingered nearby. The Equine Ambulance (my band will be named that) rolled out and the on the scene reporter attempted to get a word with anyone in the know, resulting in:

"Well, tragically she broke both of her front ankles and we euthanized her IMMEDIATELY (emphasis mine)"

What?

It was quite the scene -- people celebrating, the trainer and owner drinking.... whatever they drink in celebration after a derby win, I don't know, horse blood? Meanwhile they kill a horse right on the track, load her into an ambulance, and then start talking about the Preakness.

Of course all of the news stories have talked about how Eight Belles' death has clouded an otherwise unspectacular derby, but in our case the party went on. We turned the TV off, joked about what form of euthanasia they used (my pick: strangling) and told the gathered children that one of the horses got "hurt" but that Big Brown was the big winner.

Obviously, our reactions would have been different if Carson Palmer had been shot in the head after breaking both his arms, if Amare Stoudemire had been drugged to death after blowing out his knee, or if Kerry Wood had been killed after any number of his injuries, but should they really be?

We're talking about a living being here. An animal that had been trained into the ground. No matter how humane the training might be, sometimes a horse doesn't want to run. Sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's in pain. Maybe on Saturday Eight Belles or Big Brown didn't want to race. Regardless, they strap a midget on top of them and off they go. Suddenly the jockey's a hero and horse is an athlete.

For the record, when I was a child we were partial owners of a horse named Frosty Margin. When I was about 5, it hurt its leg and was killed. Still never really over that.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Why I still love Boston


Actual quote from Cheeseman article:

...DiNunzio said, "Listen to me. Right here you got the guarantee from here."

The undercover agent said, "I don't know you."

DiNunzio, the allegedly reclusive Mafia underboss, said, "Look it, I don't even come out, I come out cause of this guy. I'm the Cheeseman.''

"You're the cheeseman?" the agent said...

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Oh let's read the news and.... I'm going to vomit

Please let it be Hillary... Please let it be Hillary....

No, unfortunately the octogenarian TV host and walking advertisement against plastic surgery did not reveal a passionate affair with any of the presidential candidates (except a handjob she gave Mike Gravel while covering the Pentagon Papers), she did admit that she carried on a lengthy (rimshot) sexual relationship with former Republican Massachusetts Senator and noted black Edward Brooke. When reached for comment, Brooke said, "That bitch a freak. Total freak. I mean, freak. Like, freaky freak."

Barbara told this horrifying news to Oprah Winfrey, who presented Babs with a new car (taxes not included) Other revelations included:

- A grappa induced threeway with Anwar Sadat and Jimmy Carter
- A longterm lesbian relationship with Helen Thomas that was "strictly physical"
- Sexual tension between Hugh Downs and John Stossel "you could cut with a knife"