We get freaky in the studio, late night

So I suffer from insomnia. For you idiots out there, that means I can't sleep.

Because I can't sleep, I will often watch many hours of late night television, like most vampires/crack addicts/losers. I figured I would run down a list of my favorite things that I come across while scanning for Cinemax late at night.

4) TV Land/Nick at Nite. Nothing really groundbreaking here, but I really enjoyedThree's Company, Night Court, Murphy Brown, Cheers, and Wings as a kid, so it's nice to be able to watch them again, although Three's Company and Night Court are horribly dated. I love Jack Tripper.

3) Celebrity Poker Showdown. Bravo's finest! Or shame. Whichever. It is the highest of comedy to watch Phil Gordon awkwardly laugh while Dave Foley spends all his remaining capital from his glory years on Newsradio and Kids in the Hall by cracking jokes with the guy who owned the restaurant in Northern Exposure and the girl who was in that movie with Val Kilmer. Pretty entertaining though, because of the incredible swagger of these "celebs", who are playing about as good poker as Teddy KGB at the end of Rounders. It's fun to guess how long it will take Phil Gordon's head to explode when some NASCAR driver goes all in with a 3-10 off suit. The championship shows are the best, because the players' egos are through the roof and Phil Gordon is dressed like he's on the way to his senior prom.

2) Elimidate. Tough choice not ranking this number one. I'm sure the executive producers will be devastated. Anyway, I love Elimidate. I love everything about it. And I can't figure out why. To sum up every single episode, a guy named Mitch, 24, a financial analyst from Western Long Island goes out on a date with four girls who all describe themselves as strong women looking for a good time: Melanie, 24, a dental hygenist from Yonkers, Jess, 21, an office assistant from Hackensack, Brittany, "28", a real estate agent from Queens, and Jasmine, 23, a hairdresser from the South Bronx. After some chit chat about the Yankees, and some commenting by the girls about Mitch's biceps, which for some reason he is showing off by wearing a tank top in February, the fivesome head to a bar on Second Avenue where they talk about hooking up on the first date. Mitch votes each of the girls off one by one until the final girl proves her worth by fellating him on camera inside Brother Jimmy's. And scene. Emmy worthy.

1) Fitness Celebrity John Basedow. Number one with a bullet. This guy is awesome. First of all, he recently highlighted his hair, which when I discovered it actually led me to call a friend at 2:30 in the morning to ask his opinion. Secondly, he has a title: Fitness celebrity. Now I know that society has become very loose with the word celebrity, but he clearly qualifies. The fact that this is clearly a self-annointed title makes it all so much sweeter. Third, this man might be the most narcissistic man I have ever seen, so watching the infomercials is like studying for a psychology class. Finally, he looks like one of those wooden cutouts at a carnival where you put your head where Popeye's is supposed to be. His face looks like your middle school science teacher, and his body, well, I can't do it justice. See for yourself:


(Note: I could not decide which picture of Fitness Celebrity John Basedow to use. They are all mindblowingly phenomenal. Check them out: http://www.fitnessmadesimple.com/gallery.php

Biggest Loser

So I watched the Biggest Loser finale the other night. For those of you who do not know, the Biggest Loser is an incredibly compelling show where morbidly obese people (I'm talking huge) compete to lose as much weight as they can. They live in a luxurious house, and are trained by two incredibly fit, and perky, personal trainers. The female trainer is crazy hot. When they get voted out of the house, they are to continue their weight loss on their own.

Anyway, most of the competitors lost a lot of weight. One didn't appear in the finale show, which led me to believe that they probably got home from the Biggest Loser house and starting eating like Louie Anderson. The majority of the rest of the transformations were incredible; these people didnt even look similar to their former selves. The two male finalists had six packs and the female finalist was gorgeous. But, there was one competitor who clearly did not lose any weight after she left the house, and she looked really unhappy to be around these people who underwent enormous body changes when she lost 15 pounds. It was excrutiating. High comedy.

It also made me wonder about how long it will take these newly hot people to leave their spouses and hook up with one of the other people from the show. Im serious, at the end of the show, it looked like two of the contestants were ready to hump each other on the stage. The host even said something like, "You two always had a weird relationship in the house, right?" They giggled and then the guy looked into the audience and blew a kiss to his wife, Jason Kidd style.

Rules

So I just received the following message from a friend:
"would you make out with a girl with a lip ring if you were past the age of 22?"

The answer of course, is: how hot is she?

The real answer is, probably. I'm not so much of a Svengali that I have the willingness or ability to introduce preemptory challenges beyond: Is she pretty? And will I be facing any legal proceedings? Regarding that last question, I think it's a pretty safe bet that if you have to consult an attorney before sleeping with a girl, you probably shouldn't sleep with her.

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of 25, many friends and I have been discussing the age limits of potential partners. Is it 21, which would legally allow them to accompany you to a bar? Is it 18, which would legally allow them to accompany you to a strip club or keno parlor? Or, are you from the Jerry Lee Lewis/Elvis Presley/R. Kelly school where you are not really too concerned with the what would legally allow anyone to do anything?

I think the real problem for men my age is that women are getting hotter at a younger age. I will not elaborate any further, because I don't want to get busted like Pete Townshend or Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller, but sufficed to say, men in their early to mid 20's are having a hard time drawing a line between appropriate territory and Roman Polonski territory.

Spin

Bill O'Reilly was on the Today Show this morning. Amazingly, he was able to keep his penis in his pants and bottled the urge to sexually assault Katie Couric. Baby steps, Bill.

Blogs

To those who do not read political blogs (not sure why I'm writing like I have any readers), this post will not be interesting. To those who do read political blogs, it will probably not be interesting either but at least you'll be able to follow along.

I read four "blogs" pretty regularly; Taegan Goddard's Political Wire (Which sounds like a porno movie title), New York City's The Politicker (be cause I love reading comments by City Council staff), the Wonkette (i think it's pretty obvious why I read the Wonkette), and the Daily Kos (many details below) The Political Wire is fantastic; it has become my one of my primary new source, even before CNN or the Sacramento Bee, but still right behind the Seattle Post Intellingencer. The Politicker is fun, too, but too nuanced and proud of itself. And the Wonkette, well I didn't want to do it this way, but Wonkette, I know we don't know each other that well, but I think it's time that we become husband and wife.

And of course, the Daily Kos. Its founder is Markos Moulitsas Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacques Wamutombo Zuniga, but his name is too long and made up to pronounce, so he calls himself Kos. Since the folks who post at the Kos insist on creating nerdly nicknames for political notables, I will call him Daphne Zuniga, or just Daphne. Daphne is excrutiatingly self important, and thinks that because he has several million readers, he should be treated like Tom Brokaw. Hey, millions of people tune into Ryan Seacrest and Jerry Springer each week; Daph.

It's not Daphne that upsets me, although I am greatly entertained when he talks of holding off his endorsement of primary candidates in the upcoming 2006 races or the Presidential contest in 2008. Let's see, how did Governor Dean and Senator Edwards do with that all important Daphne endorsement in 2004? I'm sure Senator Kerry was just devastated when he found out that someone he had never heard of went with the other guy. But I don't blame Daphne, because this blog allows him to be a celebrity. He shows up CSPAN every once in a while, gets shoutouts from those hot Internet girls from CNN, his name gets mispronounced by various pundits, and political candidates beg at his doorstep (to join the growing ranks of Daphne-endorsed losers) This guy is living the capitalist American dream; create an idea, market it, ride the wave as long as you can, and make a boatload of money selling your book. I can imagine why his head has swelled.

Anyway, it's the readers that make me insane. Now, I've been around a lot of democratic activists, both on campaigns and in social settings, and they often can be invaluable. Democrats don't win campaigns unless we have volunteer armies, committed donors, et al. But everyone who has been involved in any campaign knows the kind of activist that I'm talking about. They stroll into the campaign office wearing 37 political buttons. They don't want to do any work. Is there any speech writing they can do? Where's the candidate today? Is there a rally they can go to? Can I have this button? Ooh, donuts. These folks want to talk about Halliburton, and impeaching President Bush, and how Prescott Bush was involved with the Nazis. But even these guys occasionally will pick up a phone or stuff an envelope or knock on a door, if just to waste time until the pizza arrives.

What angers me about these guys in blog form is their insistence that every statement they make is making a difference in the political process. Not so fast, Tom Paine. The fact that you are crowning Senator Feingold as the leader of the Democratic Party and the savior of the United States doesn't make it so. When you write a strongly worded rebuff to Senator Clinton insisting that she rethink her Iraq policy, do you really think that her staff runs into her office and says, "Senator Clinton, Armando has laid out a five point exit strategy for Iraq. Now, I know you've been speaking to a lot of generals, but...."

Further, I find hilarious the constant bashing of the DNC, DCCC and DSCC. All right, the party hasn't exactly done well since 1996, and it's hard to do worse than we did in 2002 and 2004, but is the answer to that to have amateurs running for office and running their campaigns? If the crime rate went up in Cleveland for a bunch of years in a row, does it really make sense to have a bunch of aging hippies join the police force? It's a great fantasy world these folks live in; every congressional seat needs to be challenged because we can win every seat. No we can not. We can't win 90% these seats. Pick your fights.

The blogosphere (that word makes me want to vomit) has done a lot of good in terms of fundraising and message delivery. I have given money to candidates I've read about online and considered working for candidates that I've read about online. But, can you guys get a hold on what your real impact is? Who are you reaching with these blogs? TALK TO VOTERS! Volunteer on a campaign, knock on a door, make a phone call. TALK TO VOTERS!

Oh, and I get the irony in me excoriating people for blogging while writing on a blog.

Christmas

So the Drudge Report, ummm... reports, that Denny Hastert is laying down the proverbial law and is demanding that the Capitol Holiday tree be renamed the Christmas tree. In other news, Osama Bin Laden is still not dead. Great headline week for Drudge, by the way. About 5 hours late to the party on the Cunningham stuff, when instead he posted a picture of a Chinese guy looking at an x-ray. Break out the siren.

Who the fuck cares about this christmas/holiday duel? Is this what the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States should be focusing on, aside of course from high school wrestling highlights and pork products? I hate to use cliches, but aren't we at war? Isn't there a hearing that you could call and then hold a excessively flag draped press conference about or a democratic congressional Vietnam Veteran to insult and equivocate about and then insult again?

Is this really an issue that anyone should be focusing on? Poll 100 people; how many of them care if their Wal Mart greeter, who I'm sure they readily ignore on their way to buy a rifle or censored audio cd, says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or "Can you spare any change or some health insurance? I've been locked in here for a few weeks but I'm still considered a part time employee." How many Christians out there who really think the walls of society will fall down if they are not told to have a Merry Christmas?

And I don't want to get started on the other side either. Aside from my overly paranoid Jewish family, I have met no one, that's right, no one, who has ever complained about being told to have a Merry Christmas. Although Pontius Pilate does find it ironic. Now, I know these people are out there, because I read about them on the Drudge Report and watch them get smacked around on Fox News by John Gibson or Bill O'Reilly, who now devote about 20% of their respective programs to interviewing some wacko college professor or town councilman from Southwestern Colorado who is livid because his mailman was wearing a santa hat.

Get over it, guys. Christmas is a federal holiday. I'm not a veteran; I do not get offended if someone wishes me a happy Veteran's day. I don't really date that much; you don't see me running to the nearest television studio when Valentine's Day comes around. I'm Jewish; I think my new year comes randomly whenever the fuck Moses decides and I don't get offended when someone wishes me a Happy New Year in January. Anyway, I think the salient issue is that Christmas in America is not a religious holiday. It's an American holiday that is about spending money, spending time with family, getting the day off, embarrassing yourself, contemplating suicide, and eating ham. I don't see too much religion there. The mainstream aspect of it has zero to do with Jesus Christ. God Bless America. Or not.

It's just so tiring to see these two sides continue to bloviate and clash over something that no one cares about, but I guess that's what happens when there is nothing else going on in the world except a couple wars and genocides, and that's where I lay the blame on these commentators. What gets me most upset with these protectors of the bastion of Christianity is some of them have a lot power. If Bill O'Reilly were to spend a week talking about Darfur, or Burma, or homelessness in the United States, or the health care crisis in the United States, or the Pakistani earthquake, or AIDS in China, or AIDS in the United States, or the fact that the Republican cloakroom is starting to look like Chicago in the 1930's, you don't think he could sway public opinion a bit? Don't say you're looking out for us when you are clearly talking about things that matter only to you, other really Christian conservatives, and wacky groups on the other side. I mean, even Geraldo took his moustache and waded into New Orleans. Do something useful, and by useful, I mean of course, write a blog.