To hate them and fear them
Nearly two years ago, I spouted off a hate list, a venture of people and things that was made even angrier by my unemployment and boredom. Today, I have a job. Yet I am still largely bored.
So when I was feeling particularly pissed off today, I thought about writing another hate list. I started thinking about who or what might make that list, and I quickly came to a conclusion.
There is no need for a list.
Dane Cook. This isn't even a mild flirtation anymore. I loathe Dane Cook. He's right up there with Colin Farrell and Adam Levine from Maroon 5.
I was raised by Comedy Central. I watched so many hours of stand up comedy as a kid I don't know how to throw a football properly. I love stand up comedy. And I've tried to love Dane Cook. I downloaded his albums, listened to them over and over again. I've probably thought more about Dane Cook than any other comedian in the last 5 years -- because when I watch him I think something is wrong with me. I see the laughter and the billboards, the concert tours and Tourgasm, the movie roles with Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba. He's everywhere. And I don't fucking get it.
The Dane Cook haters (AKA people with attention spans) are everywhere too -- There's danecooksucks.com, a website that offers "proof" that Dane Cook, indeed, sucks. All over the internet are videos and detailed analyses of how Dane Cook has stolen material from actual comedians. How his ego is out of control. And how, most importantly, he's not funny.
People can put up with a lot if someone is funny. Chris Rock made everyone feel really uncomfortable. Dennis Miller was an A-1 douchebag. Richard Pryor was on crack. Chevy Chase thought he was better than everyone else. On the whole, these were not particularly likeable guys. But they were funny. Dane Cook is not.
Invariably, when the topic of Dane Cook comes up with my Dane Cook fan friends (lets call them ASOAFDCFF or Attention Span of A Flea Dane Cook Fan Friends), they'll say "What about this bit or what about this bit" at which point I usually zone out. But, they do have good points, even though I don't remember what there points were. I've listened to Retaliation more times than I would like to admit, and I have to say, that "Shit on the Coats" routine is funny. And that thing about smashing an ice cream cone into a kids' face is funny. Two bits in an album full of catch phrases and sound effects.
Hell, if you watched an episode of Full House you would probably laugh one per half hour. Maybe the laugh would be at Michelle's hilarious hijinks or Stephanie saying "How Rude". Maybe you would laugh at Joey's pants or his mullet, Jesse saying "Have mercy" or maybe it would be at Bob Saget's pants or his mullet, but an hour of Full House watching is going to illicit at least two or three laughs. Congratulations, Dane, you're as funny as Full House.
But the creme de la creme of this abomination that is Dane Cook are these baseball promos on Fox.
Oh, wait, I forgot, how many Octobers are there?
Oh, right, there's only one October.
Baseball fans everywhere are desperately searching for an another October where Dane Cook doesn't exist.
You wouldn't imagine that Fox could possibly hire someone more obnoxious than Tim McCarver, but somehow they did. Why Dane Cook? Don't we want likeable guys here? Don Cheadle. Harrison Ford. Sam Waterston. Matt Damon. Diane Lane. Kate Beckinsale. Ok, now I'm just listing people I like.
So my hate list is one thing long: Dane Cook. Also Mitt Romney. And Two and a Half Men. And John Edwards. And Ann Coulter. And crocks. And Rudy Giuliani. And Maroon 5 again. And Joe Lieberman. And leather jackets. And Carlos Mencia, oh god Carlos Mencia. And Bono. And Jonathan Papelbon. And Bill Bellichick (spelling mistake intended).
So when I was feeling particularly pissed off today, I thought about writing another hate list. I started thinking about who or what might make that list, and I quickly came to a conclusion.
There is no need for a list.
Dane Cook. This isn't even a mild flirtation anymore. I loathe Dane Cook. He's right up there with Colin Farrell and Adam Levine from Maroon 5.
I was raised by Comedy Central. I watched so many hours of stand up comedy as a kid I don't know how to throw a football properly. I love stand up comedy. And I've tried to love Dane Cook. I downloaded his albums, listened to them over and over again. I've probably thought more about Dane Cook than any other comedian in the last 5 years -- because when I watch him I think something is wrong with me. I see the laughter and the billboards, the concert tours and Tourgasm, the movie roles with Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba. He's everywhere. And I don't fucking get it.
The Dane Cook haters (AKA people with attention spans) are everywhere too -- There's danecooksucks.com, a website that offers "proof" that Dane Cook, indeed, sucks. All over the internet are videos and detailed analyses of how Dane Cook has stolen material from actual comedians. How his ego is out of control. And how, most importantly, he's not funny.
People can put up with a lot if someone is funny. Chris Rock made everyone feel really uncomfortable. Dennis Miller was an A-1 douchebag. Richard Pryor was on crack. Chevy Chase thought he was better than everyone else. On the whole, these were not particularly likeable guys. But they were funny. Dane Cook is not.
Invariably, when the topic of Dane Cook comes up with my Dane Cook fan friends (lets call them ASOAFDCFF or Attention Span of A Flea Dane Cook Fan Friends), they'll say "What about this bit or what about this bit" at which point I usually zone out. But, they do have good points, even though I don't remember what there points were. I've listened to Retaliation more times than I would like to admit, and I have to say, that "Shit on the Coats" routine is funny. And that thing about smashing an ice cream cone into a kids' face is funny. Two bits in an album full of catch phrases and sound effects.
Hell, if you watched an episode of Full House you would probably laugh one per half hour. Maybe the laugh would be at Michelle's hilarious hijinks or Stephanie saying "How Rude". Maybe you would laugh at Joey's pants or his mullet, Jesse saying "Have mercy" or maybe it would be at Bob Saget's pants or his mullet, but an hour of Full House watching is going to illicit at least two or three laughs. Congratulations, Dane, you're as funny as Full House.
But the creme de la creme of this abomination that is Dane Cook are these baseball promos on Fox.
Oh, wait, I forgot, how many Octobers are there?
Oh, right, there's only one October.
Baseball fans everywhere are desperately searching for an another October where Dane Cook doesn't exist.
You wouldn't imagine that Fox could possibly hire someone more obnoxious than Tim McCarver, but somehow they did. Why Dane Cook? Don't we want likeable guys here? Don Cheadle. Harrison Ford. Sam Waterston. Matt Damon. Diane Lane. Kate Beckinsale. Ok, now I'm just listing people I like.
So my hate list is one thing long: Dane Cook. Also Mitt Romney. And Two and a Half Men. And John Edwards. And Ann Coulter. And crocks. And Rudy Giuliani. And Maroon 5 again. And Joe Lieberman. And leather jackets. And Carlos Mencia, oh god Carlos Mencia. And Bono. And Jonathan Papelbon. And Bill Bellichick (spelling mistake intended).
posted by quint at 4:23 PM
5 Comments:
But you finally love the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins! Hooray for that!
You Worried yehh?
there is nothing funny about dane cook. anyone who thinks he is funny is a moron. they might potentially be a likeable (or at least pitiable) moron, but a moron nonetheless.
i would rather get hit in the face by the Holocaust than experience more than the 35 seconds of dane cook that i am unceremoniously subjected to by the media on a regular basis.
also, my podcast sucks and can be susbcribed to through iTunes.
How can you hate Bono?
So, are you saying that you no longer hate girls with fashionable shoes and guys in tank tops? How about the saying, "American football"? How do you feel about taco's?
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