Wounded in hatred
I am the king of hyperbole. Best song ever, best movie ever, worst movie ever, et al... And one of the words I used way too often is "hate". For example, I hate the President of the United States. Wait, maybe that isn't hyperbole.
Anyway, there are many things that I do, in fact, hate.
- Americans who follow no sports except soccer. Fuck you. Get off your high horse. Ok, I get it. Soccer is the most watched sport worldwide. It is, however, not the only sport worldwide. Take off the Manchester United Jersey and put down the Amstel Light. I don't need you looking down your nose at me. And please, god, do not ever utter the phrase, "American football". If you are American, it is just football.
- People who think it's ok for them to verbally ridicule me when I order a Bud Lite. Fuck you. I enjoy a bottle of Bud Lite, especially when it has just come out of the cooler. Usually, the people who mock me in this situation are drinking a beer that I can't even pronounce with a label that features some sort of castle with buttresses. Oh, excuse me, am I offending your sensibilities by drinking a subpar beverage? Would you like a tampon?
- These isosceles shaped womens' shoes that look like they belong on the wicked witch of the north. This has been a long crusade for me. I refuse to let it die. I don't understand how they can be comfortable, and when I see them I begin to fear that you are an assassin that has been dispatched to kill me, a la From Russia With Love. Originally, I was convinced that there was a reason that womens' toes were molded into that pizza shape in order to fit into these Iron Maidens, but after several conversations, I now know it is simply for fashion. And aerodynamics.
- Guys who insist on wearing tank tops to bars. Oh, I hate this. Is there a shortage of sleeves that I have not been told about? I understand that you have spent many years scultping those arms, and you wouldn't want to deprive the entire Faneuil Hall area of the gun show, but first of all, you make the rest of us feel inadequate. Secondly, I don't know if have to explain the chemistry and biology of the body, but are you aware that human beings perspire substantially from their armpits? And that men sweat more than women? And that the steroids you're on probably increase your overall persiration level? Do the math, Nitro.
Some quick hits:
- Jimmy Fallon.
- Maroon 5.
- Scott Stapp.
- Kathy Griffin,
- Johnny Damon.
- Los Angeles.
What do you hate?
Anyway, there are many things that I do, in fact, hate.
- Americans who follow no sports except soccer. Fuck you. Get off your high horse. Ok, I get it. Soccer is the most watched sport worldwide. It is, however, not the only sport worldwide. Take off the Manchester United Jersey and put down the Amstel Light. I don't need you looking down your nose at me. And please, god, do not ever utter the phrase, "American football". If you are American, it is just football.
- People who think it's ok for them to verbally ridicule me when I order a Bud Lite. Fuck you. I enjoy a bottle of Bud Lite, especially when it has just come out of the cooler. Usually, the people who mock me in this situation are drinking a beer that I can't even pronounce with a label that features some sort of castle with buttresses. Oh, excuse me, am I offending your sensibilities by drinking a subpar beverage? Would you like a tampon?
- These isosceles shaped womens' shoes that look like they belong on the wicked witch of the north. This has been a long crusade for me. I refuse to let it die. I don't understand how they can be comfortable, and when I see them I begin to fear that you are an assassin that has been dispatched to kill me, a la From Russia With Love. Originally, I was convinced that there was a reason that womens' toes were molded into that pizza shape in order to fit into these Iron Maidens, but after several conversations, I now know it is simply for fashion. And aerodynamics.
- Guys who insist on wearing tank tops to bars. Oh, I hate this. Is there a shortage of sleeves that I have not been told about? I understand that you have spent many years scultping those arms, and you wouldn't want to deprive the entire Faneuil Hall area of the gun show, but first of all, you make the rest of us feel inadequate. Secondly, I don't know if have to explain the chemistry and biology of the body, but are you aware that human beings perspire substantially from their armpits? And that men sweat more than women? And that the steroids you're on probably increase your overall persiration level? Do the math, Nitro.
Some quick hits:
- Jimmy Fallon.
- Maroon 5.
- Scott Stapp.
- Kathy Griffin,
- Johnny Damon.
- Los Angeles.
What do you hate?
posted by quint at 5:22 PM
5 Comments:
I saw this picture of Jessica Alba in maxim today. It changed my life. Seriously, she's bending over and you can almost see what her vag would look like without the bathing suit. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Look into it.
let's do the list, I hate:
1. ralph nader
2. joe lieberman
3. emo music
4. evan bayh
5. rap-rock
6. sports center (not sports, just the show)
7. lefties
8. the politburo of moveon.nutjobs
9. protesters
10. prodestants
11. nascar
12. spring breakers
wow. so jimmy fallon from a few years back even??
i love love love the pointy shoes section...and the rest as well. i laughed out loud, a great deal.
oh woooah woahhh. i just noticed Los Angeles
really? really?
to whoever quint is, i thought you were dave rubin. sorry.
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