Incompetence, Dogfighting, and Congressional Sex Crimes (What I missed while being lazy)

As the subheading of the title of this blog might suggest, the eventual half-assing of this blog was something of an inevitability. My first period of intermittent posting came when I went to Europe in September, and when I came back, North Korea tested a bomb, the Mets teetered on elimination from the playoffs, and former Congressman Mark Foley (R-eally?What are you doing after band practice? TTYL) resigned from the House of Representatives.

I have had no excuse in the past six months, but I feel envigorated again, by one of the strangest news cycles ever.

Real Real Gone

"There will be plenty of time to dodge all of your questions."

Attorney General and noted amnesiac Alberto "I don't recall serving as the Attorney General" Gonzalez stepped down as AG yesterday, after many months of blistering attacks on his competence by Democratic Senators, Republican allies, political pundits, deaf mutes, school children, inanimate objects, and zoo animals, Alberto finally called it quits, allowing stupid puns to be printed in newspapers throughout New York City. My favorite so far: Bedtime for Gonzo.
I would have also liked Gone-zalez, which is simple and to the point.

One name that has been bandied about as a potential replacement for Gonzalez is noted ghoul and personal obsession of mine Michael Chertoff, who would easily become the scariest Attorney General in American history, just nudging out Janet Reno. Gonzalez will be heading back to Texas, where he will pick up the pieces of his shattered and beaten down life by making $25,000 a pop on the lecture circuit. God speed.

His dog up and died, it up and died


Mike Vick, hero to cats everywhere, pleaded guilty to running a dogfighting ring in Virginia. He apologized to the city of Atlanta, his fans, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the ASPCA, Snoop Dogg (and the entire Dogg Pound), Nate Dogg, Chris "Mad Dog" Russo, Odie, Jerome "Junkyard Dog" Williams, Snoopy, Fred "The Crime Dog" McGriff, and McGruff, the actual Crime Dog.

Vick will most likely spend between one and two years in jail, which he will spend time finding religion, becoming well-read, participating in anal rape, and training for his eventual return to dogfighting.

I must have got lost


Idaho Senator Larry Craig (R-estroom) had a bit of a bad day. Senator Craig, who has literally been deflecting questions about his penchance for men since 1982, apparently had a run-in with an undercover cop in the Minneapolis aiport in June. The police officer arrested him and charged him with lewd conduct, accusing Craig of trying to make sexual contact with him and then masturbating in a neighboring bathroom stall. A simple misunderstanding, no?

Well... No. Craig pleaded guilty, paid a fine, and agreed to probation. But, as it is the year 2007, the arrest and plea eventually made its way to the media, and now Craig is recanting his guilty plea, saying he made a mistake and that it is, in fact, all a simple misunderstanding. He was simply propositioning a strange man for sex in an airport bathroom. That's ok, right?

Following the encounter, Craig handed the officer his US Senate business card and something to the effect of "Oh please God don't tell anyone! I'm a United States Senator" but was arrested anyway. And now comes the coup de gras, the creme de la creme, the Oh my god moment.... Craig's defense for allegedly brushing up against the cop while they were seated in neighboring stalls: The Senator has a "wide stance". A wide fuckin' stance. A wide stance. That's his answer.

As if it was any surprise, Larry Craig was also a member of the famous Singing Senators, a musical group during the 90's consisting of pothead Jim Jeffords, Jesus Freak John Ashcroft, and Segregationist Trent Lott. When asked to comment on Craig's singing style, Lott answered that he had a "deep throat".