Incompetence, Dogfighting, and Congressional Sex Crimes (What I missed while being lazy)

As the subheading of the title of this blog might suggest, the eventual half-assing of this blog was something of an inevitability. My first period of intermittent posting came when I went to Europe in September, and when I came back, North Korea tested a bomb, the Mets teetered on elimination from the playoffs, and former Congressman Mark Foley (R-eally?What are you doing after band practice? TTYL) resigned from the House of Representatives.

I have had no excuse in the past six months, but I feel envigorated again, by one of the strangest news cycles ever.

Real Real Gone

"There will be plenty of time to dodge all of your questions."

Attorney General and noted amnesiac Alberto "I don't recall serving as the Attorney General" Gonzalez stepped down as AG yesterday, after many months of blistering attacks on his competence by Democratic Senators, Republican allies, political pundits, deaf mutes, school children, inanimate objects, and zoo animals, Alberto finally called it quits, allowing stupid puns to be printed in newspapers throughout New York City. My favorite so far: Bedtime for Gonzo.
I would have also liked Gone-zalez, which is simple and to the point.

One name that has been bandied about as a potential replacement for Gonzalez is noted ghoul and personal obsession of mine Michael Chertoff, who would easily become the scariest Attorney General in American history, just nudging out Janet Reno. Gonzalez will be heading back to Texas, where he will pick up the pieces of his shattered and beaten down life by making $25,000 a pop on the lecture circuit. God speed.

His dog up and died, it up and died


Mike Vick, hero to cats everywhere, pleaded guilty to running a dogfighting ring in Virginia. He apologized to the city of Atlanta, his fans, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the ASPCA, Snoop Dogg (and the entire Dogg Pound), Nate Dogg, Chris "Mad Dog" Russo, Odie, Jerome "Junkyard Dog" Williams, Snoopy, Fred "The Crime Dog" McGriff, and McGruff, the actual Crime Dog.

Vick will most likely spend between one and two years in jail, which he will spend time finding religion, becoming well-read, participating in anal rape, and training for his eventual return to dogfighting.

I must have got lost


Idaho Senator Larry Craig (R-estroom) had a bit of a bad day. Senator Craig, who has literally been deflecting questions about his penchance for men since 1982, apparently had a run-in with an undercover cop in the Minneapolis aiport in June. The police officer arrested him and charged him with lewd conduct, accusing Craig of trying to make sexual contact with him and then masturbating in a neighboring bathroom stall. A simple misunderstanding, no?

Well... No. Craig pleaded guilty, paid a fine, and agreed to probation. But, as it is the year 2007, the arrest and plea eventually made its way to the media, and now Craig is recanting his guilty plea, saying he made a mistake and that it is, in fact, all a simple misunderstanding. He was simply propositioning a strange man for sex in an airport bathroom. That's ok, right?

Following the encounter, Craig handed the officer his US Senate business card and something to the effect of "Oh please God don't tell anyone! I'm a United States Senator" but was arrested anyway. And now comes the coup de gras, the creme de la creme, the Oh my god moment.... Craig's defense for allegedly brushing up against the cop while they were seated in neighboring stalls: The Senator has a "wide stance". A wide fuckin' stance. A wide stance. That's his answer.

As if it was any surprise, Larry Craig was also a member of the famous Singing Senators, a musical group during the 90's consisting of pothead Jim Jeffords, Jesus Freak John Ashcroft, and Segregationist Trent Lott. When asked to comment on Craig's singing style, Lott answered that he had a "deep throat".

He's a man, he's a treasure trove

So I've been busy this week and haven't had the change to talk about the impending departure of Bush's Brain. And I mean his figurative Brain; his actual brain evaporated sometime during the mid 70's.

That's right, Karl "Turd Blossom" (Actual nickname!) Rove is resigning at the end of August, presumably to spend more time questiong the patriotism of his family. Rove gave a goodbye speech on Monday in which he and President Bush were both on the verge of tears. Rove because he was losing his position of power, Bush because he just realized that Rove wasn't going to be working on his reelection campaign in 2008.

The news media played this up, oh, a little too much. It's not that surprising, really, the only remaining senior member of Bush's leadership team from the beginning of his first term is Elaine Chao, but being that she's the Secretary of Labor under George Bush, her work hasn't exactly been heavy touch.

This is good news, I suppose. I think many Democrats wanted to see Karl Rove leaving the White House in handcuffs, or on a stretcher, or getting blown by Ken Mehlman, but we have to take what we can get. Personally, Rove seems like the kind of guy who likes to be in a position of power, so taking even an iota of that away makes me very, very happy.

Around the holy kingdom

Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-acist) has suggested a surefire way to deter and retaliate against future terrorist attacks on American soil: blow up Mecca! And Medina, just in case they didn't get the point. Tancredo aide and noted bitch Bay Buchanan said that bombing the holy cities would show that America "means business", while Tancredo said "it would just be a whole lot of fun."

Other tactics suggested by Tancredo include:

- Deporting all people with foreign sounding last names with the exception of himself
- Personally executing Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison and former Los Angeles Lakers Center Kareem Abdul-Jabaar
- Burning all of Cat Stevens records, with the exception of Moonshadow, which reportedly, he "really digs"
- Eating pork every day during the month of Ramadan

I tend to forget my duty

Hand puppet President Bush caved today to the Republican base whom he's pissing off since, oh, about 2004, by commuting the sentence of noted dick and Former Chief of Staff to Vice President Cheney, I. "Scooter" Libby. Bush argued that the 30 month prison term was too severe, and even mentioned that Libby's family has suffered immensely through this process. Oh, what I would pay to be next to Valerie Plame when she reads that line!

Libby, besides being the only member of the administration whose stupid nickname prevented President Bush from bestowing an even stupider one upon him, was the only member of the Bush team to be indicted for leaking Valerie Plame's name. By commuting the sentence instead of pardoning Libby, Bush essentially admits that he believes Libby committed the crime but does not deserve jail time. Yuk.

Libby immediately declared his intentions to run for the Republican nomination for President in 2008.

Take money, take money money money

I haven't talked about this guy in a while, and I suppose he got subsumed by the fact that it seemed one in three Republican congressmen were criminals, but Congressman William Jefferson has been indicted on charges of bribery, rackateering, and obstruction of justice, and improper storage of $80,000 in a freezer. This guy is vile, and will go down in history as the only Democrat to be indicted in this recent purge of criminals in Congress, but also as the only indicted and convicted Congressman that I have ever met. Excellent.

Of course, the Democratic leadership who came to power largely on the back of Jack Abramoff, on the yacht of Duke Cunningham, and on the greasy keyboard of Mark Foley, had taken a strong stand against Jefferson by taking way too long to force him off his committee assignments, an act which 58 members of the House protested (!!!) How in hell can the American public believe either party when they do what they say they're going to do? Oh, right, no one cares. Forgot.

Everybody tellin' me rap good

Now, I didn't see the clip of Rove rapping because I want to keep my Raisin Bran down, but here are some of the lines I believe he might have used:

"My name is Karl and I'm here to say, I love excoriating Democrats' patriotism in a major way"

"It's a shame I'll have to get out of this game, did you know Joe Wilson's wife is Valerie Plame?"

"I know we've seen better days, by the way, I hate gays"

"In the private sector I'll make mad dollaz, also don't blame Al Gonzalez"

UPDATE: OH MY GOD WATCH THE VIDEO!!!

I've sat upon the setting sun, but never, never, never... I never wanted water once

Quick note to Matt Drudge: We all get it. It's cold out. And thanks for the irony lesson.

Due to the fact that within the past year, the world seems to have finally decided that global warming actually exists, conservative pundits everywhere seem to be pointing to the fact that it is cold. Hey, dipshits, it's winter. It's supposed to be cold. This is straight out of the Tom Delay "I'm not corrupt because I am not currently receiving a bribe as I am talking right now" school.

Simply because it's no longer 70 degrees in Central Park doesn't exactly mean 50 years of scientific study (and one ego trip of a movie with that guy from Tennessee who was a Senator) is bunk. In fact the two things have nothing to do with each other. Now if the polar ice caps started freezing again and Patagonia was no longer grass covered and people could breath in Los Angeles and we weren't being bent over oil barrels by sheiks, well, maybe then it would be time to give Exxon tax breaks. Go fuck yourselves.

Mama said there'd be days like this

After the first two hours of 24 on Sunday night, which I watched with a group of people, there was some discussion about how unbelievable the show was – literally, not figuratively in that, “Holy smokes, this mojito is unbelievable” way, but in the “every thing Tony Snow says is unbelievable” way.

For sure, the show remains exciting, exhilarating, exasperating, and some other words I would throw in if had a dictionary open to e’s, but the first two hours seemed so beyond the pale, so unbelievable, much like most of the last season.

So what happens? How’s this for reality: They nuke Los Angeles and Jack Bauer shoots his former partner in the neck, killing him, to save a former terrorist. And I fuckin ate it up. I loved it. My mouth was agape, literally, not figuratively. So I feel like I should stop complaining about realism and believability as long as there is a glimmer of possibility, as long as I’m being entertained.

Some musings, as I attempt to regain creativity….

- Per the above paragraphs, I’d like to officially announce the winner of the Tony Almeida/Curtis Manning/Jack Bauer bad ass motherfucker-off, which I first discussed during last season. And the winner is…. Jack Bauer! Hands down winner.

- I have started a new blog, where I will post slightly pretentious photos that I have taken with my flashy new digital camera. It can be found here. If anyone would like to purchase any of the photos you see on the blog, send an email to daveisdreaming@notachanceinhell.yeahright.

- Barack Obama joined the Presidential fray yesterday, which is great because it will be great to have a Democratic candidate who has a soul, a brain, and a personality. Here’s an easily readable matrix to keep track:

More gone than Freeman

All right folks, I'm heading home for the Christmas holidays. Posting will be sporadic, and probably not funny, because I'll be sleeping 12 hours a night and not getting much inspiration. Although the blog was much funnier when I was unemployed, so maybe my best stuff will come next week. Stay tuned!

However, before I sign off, I have to comment on one of the weirdest stories of the year, and in a year where the Vice President of the United States shot a man in the face, a disgruntled Yankee pitcher flew a plane into the Upper East Side, a Congressman was outed as a pedophile, and the Democrats won an election cycle, that's saying a lot.





What the eff is up with Donald Trump? Rosie O'Donnell makes some really stupid jokes about his hair and his moral failings and he absolutely launches into one of the most disgusting and abhorrent personal attacks that I have ever witnessed, referring to her as physically ugly, fat, disgusting, a failure and a loser. Then he said that he would send of his friends to steal away Rosie's girlfriend. Sigh.


I hope to God this is just an attempt to boost the ratings of their respective shows, The View and The Apprentice, and that the two of them entered into some sort of pact to bash each other in order to bring attention to themselves, because if not, well, Trump is an exponentially worse human being than I had ever previously thought. And that's saying a lot.


Merry Christmas!

An open letter to the guy who put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet of my office building bathroom

Dear guy who put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet of my office building bathroom:

What the fuck?

Best,
Dave

Friday News Roundup

- Political ghouls everywhere had to sheath their claws as it seemed Senator Tim Johnson (D-angerously close to causing a 50-50 split in the Senate) got through his brain hemorrhage surgery safely. Rampant speculation had South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds appointing a replacement for Johnson, President Bush declaring a war on brain hemorrhage surgeries, and Harry Reid choking the brain hemorrhage.

- The legislature in New Jersey approved Gay unions in that state. The decision comes a bit too late for Vito Spatafore, but just in time for Jim McGreevey to get married, run for another political office, and then humiliate his new family. Everybody wins! Oh, except his new family. And his old family. And the people of New Jersey.

- Senator John Kerry (D-umbass) continues his whirlwind tour of the Middle East, where I'd imagine he's parasailing and eating grape leaves stuffed with caviar. Kerry is in the region trying to embarrass President Bush while simultaneously torpedoing his own national credibility, a traveling roadshow he patented during the 2004 Presidential campaign. God speed!

- There's trouble with Miss USA winner Tara Conner, besides the fact that she is a pageant winner from a pageant that's run by Donald Trump. Apparently, she has been misbehaving in "New York City bars", including getting naked at Scores. Isn't that a stepup from Miss USA?

- A hunter in Wisconsin killed a deer that had 7 legs and male and female reproductive organs. There are so many good parts to the story, but the funniest is that he didn't shoot it, he ran over it with his truck. Because a 7 legged hermaphroditic deer doesn't have the breakaway speed that normal deer have.

IIll tell them what the smile on my face meant

"Don't touch the hair! Also, the holocaust never happened. What what?"

Iran finished up its Holocaust conference yesterday, and just in time, because I can't wait to hear what conclusions they reached!!! Gas chambers? Nah, just steam baths. Medical experiments? That was just universal health care. Starvation? Physical fitness. Mass graves? Ok, those were mass graves, but the Nazis needed a place to bury all the people who died happy deaths after all the physical fitness, universal health care, and steam baths.

It was a veritable who's who of Holocaust deniers at Ahmadinejad's meet and greet, including Mahmoud, former Louisiana state rep and nutjob David Duke, and a French guy and an Austrian guy who have been arrested for continually denying the holocaust. Unfortunately, Pat Buchanan couldn't deliver the keynote address because he was busy murdering illegal immigrants.

Every world leader practically knocked each over to deliver the most outraged statement, with Tony Snow calling the conference "an affront to the entire civilized world", Tony Blair recoiling he was shocked "beyond belief", and Saddam Hussein saying, "Ha ha. Good choice on that whole invasion thing."

Forgive you, why? You hung me out to dry

Ahhh, President Bush. In the days before the election and his abrupt firing of Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President had just a week before voiced full support for, Rumsfeld prepared a memo suggesting a sea change in Iraq, including a drawdown of troops among other options. Not surprisingly, Rumsfeld was fired.

I don't shed any tears for Rumsfeld, who was not the puppet Colin Powell was in the leadup to the war but an ideological leader. Rumsfeld, along with Cheney and Wolfowitz, were the architects of this war and not simply loyal cheerleaders. They deserve what comes to them, whether it be public hatred, loss of status, or loss of power.

However, it seems just so predictable that when they steadfast ideologue Rumsfeld shows the smallest sign of pragmatism, he gets canned. Did Rumsfeld, who for three years referred to nearly every attempt to criticize the war effort as unpatriotic, finally open his eyes? Or, did Rumsfeld see the writing on the wall and realize that since he was heading out the door anyway he might want to try to save some of his legacy?

Conclusions, from a historical perspective?

Vulgar, when brought to light...

When this picture came into the public view years ago, I can safely say that most people were shocked. Sure, they were shocked that Yale allowed its cheerleaders to play rugby and that the guy President Bush was punching had all of his limbs (see Cleland, Max), but I can tell you I wasn't surprised that Bush was dirtily punching an opposing player in the head.

We all have run across these guys throughout our lives -- from the jerk who beat us up in Middle School to the guy who shouldered you a little too hard when he bumped into you in the hall in High School to the guy who set dirty screens and picks in college pick games to the guy who always pointed out to your boss when you were late or not at your desk. I think the word I'm looking for is douchebag?

If President Bush was in his 20's now, is there any doubt he would be waxing his chest, spending 4 hours at the gym, summering at the Hamptons, hanging out in the Meatpacking district, drinking Vodka and Red Bulls, working at a sleazy brokerage house, wearing stripe shirts, living in Murray Hill and sleeping with a different girl every night and never calling any of them back?

So nothing he does is a surprise anymore -- to me he has become the embodiment of every asshole, every jerk, every moron who thinks he's a lot smarter than he actually he is. He is the bully.

I came across this little nugget today, about a brief meeting between the President and Democratic Senator elect Jim Webb:

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

What a douchebag.