Around the holy kingdom

Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-acist) has suggested a surefire way to deter and retaliate against future terrorist attacks on American soil: blow up Mecca! And Medina, just in case they didn't get the point. Tancredo aide and noted bitch Bay Buchanan said that bombing the holy cities would show that America "means business", while Tancredo said "it would just be a whole lot of fun."

Other tactics suggested by Tancredo include:

- Deporting all people with foreign sounding last names with the exception of himself
- Personally executing Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison and former Los Angeles Lakers Center Kareem Abdul-Jabaar
- Burning all of Cat Stevens records, with the exception of Moonshadow, which reportedly, he "really digs"
- Eating pork every day during the month of Ramadan

This is our country

There has been somewhat of an unscheduled hiatus on this space for the last two weeks, both due to by increased business at work, my laziness, and a several day trip out of town to Killington where I inexplicably did not ski. As I write this, I remain busy at work, of course I am still lazy, but I'm back in Boston so I figured I would attempt a return.

While sitting in a bar waiting to catch a ride to the aforementioned Killington, two friends and I glanced up at the television screen to see the ticker announce that Anna Nicole Smith had collapsed. I, of course, found this pretty obvious because I thought they meant figuratively, as her career has really never been the same since she played a woman with a penis in Naked Gun 33 1/3, the Final Insult. Well they meant literally.

Just before we left the bar, the ticker announced that she was dead, and the three of us were oddly shellshocked. Me, because a large number of adolescent fantasies involved Anna Nicole in a bathtub in a certain issue of Playboy from about 1993, and everyone else because she was 39 years old and 39 year olds rarely drop dread. So, our ride arrived, and with the exception of one or two mentions of it, the story largely escaped my mind.

The next day, while everyone else was skiing and I was relaxing by watching bad movies and reading Al Franken's putrid last book, "The Truth (With Horrendous jokes and namedropping)", I stumbled upon MSNBC's 24 hour coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith saga, complete with on the scene interviews with her lawyer, some other lawyer, some other lawyer, a guy who was at the same resort, and culminating in a walking tour of the morgue with MSNBC she/he Rita Cosby, who hermaphroditically asked questions like, "And where is Anna Nicole's body right now?" As the day went on, MSNBC occasionally flashed away to brief stories about the 8 feet of snow in Upstate New York, which MSNBC commentator Bill Nye (of Bill Nye the Science Guy fame) attributed to the death of Anna Nicole Smith, and Senator Barack Obama's impending announcement of his intentions to become the first black candidate to lose to Hillary Clinton in 2008.

What's my point? I have no idea. I do know that every news channel spent approximately 90% of their time on Friday and Saturday covering the probably predictable death of a non-celebrity. I mean we're talking about a former Playmate here, not Gerald Ford -- does anyone care where Anna Nicole Smith's body is being held? Do we need to see the body bag being wheeled from one vehicle to another? Do we need interviews with everyone redneck she's ever slept with and every two bit doctor who will voice a completely uneducated opinion on why she might have died? And this tirade is leaving out the whole mystery about whose child she recently gave birth to; first it's Howard K. Stern, then its that other dude, then it's Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband (what the fuck) and then its her husband who's been dead since 1995 (oh God I hope it's frozen sperm and not something else). I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

I've spent a large part of my life transfixed by television, from Knight Rider to Dukes of Hazzard to Alf to Star Trek to Seinfeld to the Simpsons to 24, from Geraldo to Maury Povich to Springer and now back to Maury (and his you are not the father specials), from Carson to Letterman to Conan to Kilborn to Stewart and Colbert, from CNN to MSNBC to Foxnews to MSNBC, from Russert to Russert to Russert, from Hartman to Farley to Ferrell, from the Real World to Road Rules to the Real World Road Rules Challenge, from Sorority Life to Fraternity Life to Lesbian Next, so why am I upset by this kind of media coverage? I have lived my life as the ultimate consumer, memorizing television and movie lines, internalizing music lyrics, eating bad food advertised on television, and watching awards shows. How can I cast aspersions upon the mass media that has largely been a third parent to me for the last 25 years?

Because I'm an American.

Before you call me any dirty names, you better think twice

The cultural elite over at the New York Post had some fun with Photoshop today (seriously guys, don't you have a better graphic artist? It's clearly the same monkey), blasting the Iraq Study Group for suggesting that US forces should leave Iraq. Let us bask in the glow of the intelligence of Niles Lathem and the New York Post news division. Oh, the poll at the bottom of the front page of their website today? Another example of cutting and running:

It's always fun when both the left and the right come out against something the way that many on both sides have come out swinging against the Iraq Study Group report. The Democrats exulted the report before it was released and now some on the left are backpedaling from it. President Bush predictably treated it with kid gloves and now has Tony Snow suggesting that Baker and Hamilton have ostensibly coopted and embraced the Bush administration's position on Iraq.

Here are a couple of musings:

- Aren't there any other retired Democratic Congressman with foreign policy credentials? Seriously, Lee Hamilton is everywhere! Has he become the Peter North of national commissions?

- I was hoping so much that President Bush would accuse James Baker of supporting "cut and run", causing Baker to grow his fangs and bite the President in the neck, and then ultimately resulting in a George HW Bush tearfest. But, alas.

- Tony Snow rejected the Report's call to engage with Syria and Iran, saying that such diplomacy would delay the administration's plans to invade both countries and plunge the entire Middle East into "a pit of burning hellfire, a pre apocalytpic nightmare, and the ultimate descension and reascension of the Messiah. Helen, I may have said too much."