And the overlord ascends...

I'm lazy today, so I'll just let the news parody write itself...

That's write, President Bush is getting his ass played like a hand puppet, and unlike the last 6 years of ass puppetry, this time Cheney is only slightly involved. And by slightly involved I mean don't be surprised if President Bush dies and the clone army rises.

Too lazy to come up with clever title

My friend and former lover McGriff asked me to write a post about the New Jersey Nets' chances to make it out of the Eastern Conference today, a story which I was excited to write until I got completely bored and unmotivated with it. So instead I decided to write about some of the interesting happenings of the week.

- Queen Elizabeth Approximately


RECAP: Queen visits US, Bush insults her by insinuating that she is 280 years old, and first visited the US in 1776. She clarifies by saying her "first trip to colonies was for that poor chap Lincoln's funeral."

- A Jihad of Bushian incompetence



RECAP: We have now seen the equivalent of what would happen if the Bush administration tried to take up international terror, as six numbskulls in New Jersey decided they were going to attack an army base and kill some soldiers. At least put a little thought into it, guys! The best part? They were captured, when, and I can't believe I am writing this, they took a video of them practicing for the raid and brought it to a store to have it transferred to DVD. Wow. Just wow.


- My b-b-b-birthday

RECAP: I turned 27 yesterday, my most inconsequential birthday since 21. I feel literally nothing about the occasion with the exception of fat because of all the cake I have had over the past 4 days. Am I simply on a collision course with 30 that will render all interim birthdays irrelevant? Is there a way to skip 30 and go right to a mid-life crisis, a nice car, and banging 26 year old girls? How about skip right to retirement, a couple million in an IRA and a house by the lake? What's with all this filler in between?

You said you'd never compromise

Fortunately for the Iraq deadline, President Bush attacked it with bad intelligence, an insufficient amount of troops, a complete and total lack of planning, and incompetent leadership.

Yeah, I really do think

President Bush gave a speech today where talked about the wage gap between the rich and the poor, uncertain economic times, and the general unfairness of executive salaries. What the fuck? Is Dick Cheney hibernating?

The President also took the time to leer awkwardly at nubile Wharton grads (see above) patriotically pander to members of the NYPD, and also to "ring that great big bell that I heard about".

In other news, five suspicious packages were found strewn throughout Boston this afternoon, including one about two blocks from my office, causing Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick to call the hoax "not funny". Way to take a stand, Deval! As a side note, I hereby bequeath all of my belongings to my mom. Phil, you can have my student loan debt.

The State of the Union

After last year's obsesseive marathon minute by minute rundown of the President's State of the Union, I decided this time to try to recreate the magic that was that night. However, after realizing that I was a lot funnier in January of 2006, I changed my mind. So, here are some observations, less plentiful.

8:56: Barack Obama entered the hall and hugged an unidentified black Congressman, an image I'm sure no other democratic candidate for President will secretly distribute at pancake breakfasts in Nashua, New Hampshire.

9:00: Chris Matthews introduces "The first woman Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Who is a woman." Very inciteful.

9:04: Secretary of Commerce and noted moustache Carlos Guittierez enters the hall, runs away from Tom Tancredo.

9:14: Bush prays for the speedy recovery of "Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood. Well, not Johnson."

9:18: The President plans to eliminate the federal deficit within five years. His plan? Fire all the democratic members of Congress.

9:21: Ted Kennedy is asleep.

9:24: Bush outlines a health care plan that no one in the chamber understands. Seriously, what the fuck?

9:26: "Medical decisions should be left to patients and their doctors." Ha ha! He's joking!

9:30: Mispronunciation of nuclear (NOO-qu-ler) and vehicle (VEE-hicle).

9:31: Wood chips again?

9:32: Hey, aren't we at war?

9:34: 9/11!

9:46: "We didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan to allow them safe haven in Iraq." Actually, we didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan.

9:50: So Cheney's wearing a purple tie?

9:54: Darfur and Burma, Belarus and Cuba. Who's speaking again?

9:54: "We must fight HIV AIDS especially on the continent of Africa."
Cue...... Black guy!

9:57: DIKEMBE MOTUMBO!!!!!

I need to catch my breath.

10:00: Bush introduces Wesley Autrey, the New Yorker who saved a stranger's life by shielding him from an oncoming subway train. Autrey stands, blows kisses to the crowd, and then... pounds his chest and points at Motumbo. Lynne Cheney inches away. Holy cow! Greatest SOTU moment ever, just nudging out last year's standing ovation after Bush admitted defeat on Social Security.

Speaker Pelosi sworn in; immediately takes outgoing Senator Rick Santorum's children hostage

Do political staffers even think about the photos that will appear the next day anymore? Didn't Dukakis in the tank and Kerry windsurfing teach press advance anything? HOW DO YOU ALLOW THIS PHOTO OP?

It's a big week in Washington, again, where the Bush administration hemmorhage continues. John Negroponte slides over to the State Department, Harriet Miers is out as White House maid (I mean counsel), and General Casey is on his way out of Iraq because he disagrees with the President on what to do in Iraq. Ha! In related news, Laura Bush is staying but Barney the dog has been transferred to the Department of Energy.

Keep on playing those mind games forever

It's a banner week for President Bush! First, in an interview with the Washington Post, admitted that "we're not winning, we're not losing" the War in Iraq, later adding, "But we're really bringing our A game. We've got something to prove out there. I know that we've faced a lot of adversity, but we're really leaving it all out there on the field."

At right around the same time this week (maybe he accidentally caught a news broadcast), The President announced his intentions to change his military strategy in Iraq in an attempt to tamp down the violence and bring our troops home. How does he plan on bringing our troops home? By sending more troops to Iraq. At least he's recognizing there's a problem. That's step one in his recovery from being addicted to incompetence.

So, Bush's strategy for sending more troops? Slavery! No, sorry, I read that wrong. He suggested increasing the size of the military. John Kerry responded that only an idiot or someone who wanted to run for President 35 years later would join the military, and Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Newt Gingrich, and Bill O'Reilly scrambled to a dictionary to look up the term "serving in the military."

Before you call me any dirty names, you better think twice

The cultural elite over at the New York Post had some fun with Photoshop today (seriously guys, don't you have a better graphic artist? It's clearly the same monkey), blasting the Iraq Study Group for suggesting that US forces should leave Iraq. Let us bask in the glow of the intelligence of Niles Lathem and the New York Post news division. Oh, the poll at the bottom of the front page of their website today? Another example of cutting and running:

It's always fun when both the left and the right come out against something the way that many on both sides have come out swinging against the Iraq Study Group report. The Democrats exulted the report before it was released and now some on the left are backpedaling from it. President Bush predictably treated it with kid gloves and now has Tony Snow suggesting that Baker and Hamilton have ostensibly coopted and embraced the Bush administration's position on Iraq.

Here are a couple of musings:

- Aren't there any other retired Democratic Congressman with foreign policy credentials? Seriously, Lee Hamilton is everywhere! Has he become the Peter North of national commissions?

- I was hoping so much that President Bush would accuse James Baker of supporting "cut and run", causing Baker to grow his fangs and bite the President in the neck, and then ultimately resulting in a George HW Bush tearfest. But, alas.

- Tony Snow rejected the Report's call to engage with Syria and Iran, saying that such diplomacy would delay the administration's plans to invade both countries and plunge the entire Middle East into "a pit of burning hellfire, a pre apocalytpic nightmare, and the ultimate descension and reascension of the Messiah. Helen, I may have said too much."

People staring, they know you've been broken

"No thanks, I'll wait for the movie."

Not a great week for the President or the "Bush Doctrine". Mustachioed Walrus and UN Ambassador John Bolton resigned, Secretary of Defense nominee Robert Gates admitted we weren't winning the War in Iraq, George HW Bush broke down and cried while praising his other son, the Iraq Study Group released its report, and "How I Met Your Mother" was a repeat.

Bush family confidant evil James Baker led the commission, so maybe the President thought this would be the entire text of the report:

"You're doing a great job. Keep on doing what you're doing. How's Laura and the twins? Yeah? They are a handful at this age, you know, trying to figure out what they want to do... I did watch that Cowboys game on Sunday. I don't think Vanderjagt would have made that kick. No, I haven't seen Borat yet! I know, everyone tells me its hilarious, I have to see it, blah blah blah... I just haven't gotten around to it. Well, I've been busy."

At any rate, the report was not nearly as friendly as Bush and his good time buddies would have liked, and fell short of setting a timetable for withdrawal but did suggest all US troops should be gone by the beginning of 2008, and closed the report by saying: "Foreign policy is doomed to failure -- as is any action in Iraq -- if not supported by broad, sustained consensus." Bush responded, "Yeah, right!" and then invaded Lee Hamilton's house.

Vulgar, when brought to light...

When this picture came into the public view years ago, I can safely say that most people were shocked. Sure, they were shocked that Yale allowed its cheerleaders to play rugby and that the guy President Bush was punching had all of his limbs (see Cleland, Max), but I can tell you I wasn't surprised that Bush was dirtily punching an opposing player in the head.

We all have run across these guys throughout our lives -- from the jerk who beat us up in Middle School to the guy who shouldered you a little too hard when he bumped into you in the hall in High School to the guy who set dirty screens and picks in college pick games to the guy who always pointed out to your boss when you were late or not at your desk. I think the word I'm looking for is douchebag?

If President Bush was in his 20's now, is there any doubt he would be waxing his chest, spending 4 hours at the gym, summering at the Hamptons, hanging out in the Meatpacking district, drinking Vodka and Red Bulls, working at a sleazy brokerage house, wearing stripe shirts, living in Murray Hill and sleeping with a different girl every night and never calling any of them back?

So nothing he does is a surprise anymore -- to me he has become the embodiment of every asshole, every jerk, every moron who thinks he's a lot smarter than he actually he is. He is the bully.

I came across this little nugget today, about a brief meeting between the President and Democratic Senator elect Jim Webb:

At a private reception held at the White House with newly elected lawmakers shortly after the election, Bush asked Webb how his son, a Marine lance corporal serving in Iraq, was doing.

Webb responded that he really wanted to see his son brought back home, said a person who heard about the exchange from Webb.

“I didn’t ask you that, I asked how he’s doing,” Bush retorted, according to the source.

What a douchebag.

More gone than Freeman

Happy Thanksgiving (To my 12 readers!)

I will be away until Monday like everyone else, unless something funny happens to me on my way home, in which I'll case I'll make sure to update this space.

Today President Bush will pardon a Thanksgiving turkey, and two weeks after his party was given a thumpin', a senior aide was beaten in Hawaii, and his non-drunk daughter was mugged (and her Secret Service agents beaten) in Argentina, one can only postulate that the turkey pardon is some grand attempt at appeasing the spiritual forces above. Maybe if he allows this one fowl to live, God will return order to the universe and make 90% of the American people agree with him again. Maybe if he pardons one animal, it will make up for the 150 people he didn't pardon and were executed when he was Governor of Texas. Maybe if he shows sympathy to this turkey, his detractors worldwide will finally understand his good will and course to democracy and freedom.

My guess? He pardons the turkey, but attaches a signing statement to the pardon and then eats the turkey.