And the overlord ascends...

I'm lazy today, so I'll just let the news parody write itself...

That's write, President Bush is getting his ass played like a hand puppet, and unlike the last 6 years of ass puppetry, this time Cheney is only slightly involved. And by slightly involved I mean don't be surprised if President Bush dies and the clone army rises.

I think I'll start a new life

It's headlines like these that make me not want to read the article. I know I've been copping out on the whole "I'll blog more" pledage with these fluffly cut and paste jobs, but this is great. From laziness is born moderately funny comedy.

I also love the juxtaposition of the stripper article next to "Mom's worth how much" headline. It's all very good.

Call it predictable

Oh, CNN, you stupid slut.

I don't know why I'm surprised when CNN writes a dumb headline, but this one particularly got me, like I'm supposed to read the Yankee fan part and suddenly say, "Oh, that explains it." Now, if he was a Detroit Tiger fan, maybe then I'd buy it.

CNN's unintentionally hilarious headline generator (CNNUHHG) is a very discerning and secretive machine, that only produces the very stupidest news stories with the most sensationalist language for final approval. Moderately Effed's inside sources did provide these finalists for one of tomorrow's headlines:


- FBI: VA Tech shooter had Subway sandwich punch card
- Casual rugby fan Muqtada Al Sadr remains at large
- BTK Killer: "Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk!"
- Ahmadinejad can't believe Rachel was kicked of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno III

Sometimes I feel, like I don't have a partner

It seems that the wonderful state of Florida, home to such luminaries as OJ Simpson, Katherine Harris, and Ted Bundy, is having some problems with sex offenders. No, not the Tampa Bay Buccaneers...

Convicted sex offenders (who have of course served their time and are no longer a risk of abusing kids ever again) are being released from jail at the end of their terms, and since many ex cons end up homeless, this group is no different. Except because they are sex offenders, they have to be in a place of residence from 10:00 AM to 6:00 PM. Homeless+legal requirements to occupy a residence+overpopulation+Republican governors=sex offenders living under bridges. Every day a probation officer visit these homeless communities, making sure they haven't flown the coop and actually found a place to live that has a roof and walls.

And, in perhaps the most terrible twist of all, underneath the bridge was not the Chester Molesters' first choice:

"...For several of the offenders, the causeway is their second experience at homelessness. Some of them lived for months in a lot near downtown Miami until officials learned that the lot bordered a center for sexually abused children..."

Like putting a fat camp in a vacant lot next to a Chinese buffet.