Build me up

It's been a rough week. I will not speak of baseball until next Spring. Last night, as I wallowed in the Mets defeat, I browsed Boston.com and stumbled across this photo, which made me laugh and almost definitely got a web editor fired.

Around the holy kingdom

Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-acist) has suggested a surefire way to deter and retaliate against future terrorist attacks on American soil: blow up Mecca! And Medina, just in case they didn't get the point. Tancredo aide and noted bitch Bay Buchanan said that bombing the holy cities would show that America "means business", while Tancredo said "it would just be a whole lot of fun."

Other tactics suggested by Tancredo include:

- Deporting all people with foreign sounding last names with the exception of himself
- Personally executing Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison and former Los Angeles Lakers Center Kareem Abdul-Jabaar
- Burning all of Cat Stevens records, with the exception of Moonshadow, which reportedly, he "really digs"
- Eating pork every day during the month of Ramadan

And the overlord ascends...

I'm lazy today, so I'll just let the news parody write itself...

That's write, President Bush is getting his ass played like a hand puppet, and unlike the last 6 years of ass puppetry, this time Cheney is only slightly involved. And by slightly involved I mean don't be surprised if President Bush dies and the clone army rises.

He's facing his fear! He's facing his fear!

This is going to be great!

You overdid it holmes, you in the danger zone

For those of you not watching or reading the news this week, I'll give you a rundown:

- Iran fopnapped 15 British sailors who were supposedly in Iranian waters
- Sailors are safe and healthy, in cigarette and Earl Gray withdrawal
- Tony Blair is pissed
- Anna Nicole Smith overdosed

This is really an incredibly story, because if this happened five years ago, George Bush would be displaying President Ahmadinejad's head on a platter at the White House. Today? We just don't have the mojo. Iran knows that Britain and the US don't have the capabilities very well invade or take truly drastic measures, so it might as well take the opportunity to flex nuts, get some press, fire up the hardliners, and tweek Blair and Bush.

So, this crisis will go on for a week, much like the Chinese showdown in 2001, and eventually result in the British getting their soldiers back, safe and sound, because even Mahmoud is not stupid enough to kill them. Perfect timing for the Iranians, though; the UN decides on sanctions just as this whole affair is shaking out, and they get to say to the world that they still hold some power.

However, Mahmoud could be horribly wrong and the US and Britain could launch strikes on Tehran, ultimately invade and then plunge Iran into a religious and cultural civil war, the likes of which we have not seen in the Middle East since.... March 19, 2003. But what are the odds of that?

Stop the presses

Holy cow!!! Priests have been abusing children? I have heard nothing at all about anything like that ever before. Somebody get Cardinal Law on the phone! Really? Oh.

And boom goes the dynamite

What words of wisdom is Hamad Karzai imparting to a strangely smirking Dick Cheney?

A) "Yeah, that's a bomb. We have those in war. You are probably unfamiliar with them, seeing as you aggressively evaded the draft during the Vietnam war."

B) "So, your daughter's a lesbian?"

C) "When do I get paid for arranging this sympathetic assassination attempt?"

D) "So, I can't get over that judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial. What a nut!"

Yeah, I really do think

President Bush gave a speech today where talked about the wage gap between the rich and the poor, uncertain economic times, and the general unfairness of executive salaries. What the fuck? Is Dick Cheney hibernating?

The President also took the time to leer awkwardly at nubile Wharton grads (see above) patriotically pander to members of the NYPD, and also to "ring that great big bell that I heard about".

In other news, five suspicious packages were found strewn throughout Boston this afternoon, including one about two blocks from my office, causing Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick to call the hoax "not funny". Way to take a stand, Deval! As a side note, I hereby bequeath all of my belongings to my mom. Phil, you can have my student loan debt.

See what had happened was...

Blogger has been busting my balls for the past couple of days, with frequent outages and inaccessability. But hey, it's a free service.

I'm particularly busy over these few weeks, so hopefully I'll be back soon, with a vengeance. And other cliches.

Ain't talkin', just walkin'

Moderately Effed is going to be taking a break for a short while...

I don't have a real good exucse, except to say that once again, I have hit an unfunny patch. So I'll be back, soon.

Manhattan stinks; news media finally notices

An apparent natural gas leak has infested the entire island of Manhattan, causing... oh, I don't even care anymore. Bring on the fart jokes!

It seems we lose the game before we even start to play

Our long national nightmare is over, the Winter of our content is in full swing, and I have a sinus infection/stomach ache that has made me slightly delirious and lugubrious. That's right everyone, the Democrats are taking power! Hooray! You know what that means? A whole new era of feigning indignance and incompetent leadership, except this time the Speaker will wear colorful and sharp pant suits!

And let's go live to Matt Drudge for the completely unbiased reporting of the first Speakerette of the House:


Sure, I was really excited for the entire month of December, and I took full credit for the victory as the only way the Democrats won was that I was not involved in any campaign in any way, but is it really possible to get excited about Nancy Pelosi, beyond the barrier breakingness (?) of her leadership position? I mean, Harry Reid is one thing because he once choked a guy, but Nancy Pelosi?

In other excited congressional news, George Allen, JD Hayworth, and Rick Santorum are no longer members of the US Congress, and in Minnesota a Muslim is about to be sworn into the House of Representatives on a Koran, hopefully causing Sean Hannity to jump out the window of the Hannity and Colmes studio.

Keep on playing those mind games forever

It's a banner week for President Bush! First, in an interview with the Washington Post, admitted that "we're not winning, we're not losing" the War in Iraq, later adding, "But we're really bringing our A game. We've got something to prove out there. I know that we've faced a lot of adversity, but we're really leaving it all out there on the field."

At right around the same time this week (maybe he accidentally caught a news broadcast), The President announced his intentions to change his military strategy in Iraq in an attempt to tamp down the violence and bring our troops home. How does he plan on bringing our troops home? By sending more troops to Iraq. At least he's recognizing there's a problem. That's step one in his recovery from being addicted to incompetence.

So, Bush's strategy for sending more troops? Slavery! No, sorry, I read that wrong. He suggested increasing the size of the military. John Kerry responded that only an idiot or someone who wanted to run for President 35 years later would join the military, and Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Newt Gingrich, and Bill O'Reilly scrambled to a dictionary to look up the term "serving in the military."

This is where things start, going bad

Remember the Democrats demagoguing the 911 commission, chiding President Bush for not listening to all of its suggestions and simply making political and not security decisions? Remember how the Democrats promised to enact all of the 911 commission's suggestions if they were to win control of Congress? Remember how the Democrats won control of Congress? And how about those 911 commission suggestions? Hold your horses, Lee Harvey.

That's right, Congressional Democrats are balking on the most involved change suggested by the 911 commission, the reorganization of the intelligence capabilities of Congress itself. According to unidentified Democratic aides, Congress will simply study a potential reorganization, and if history is any lesson, they will study it and study it and study it and then decide against it.

The rumored reason? Because of the boneheaded decisions by Nancy Pelosi to fight for Jowely crooked Congressman Jack Murtha for Majority Leader and bearded crooked Congressman Alcee Hastings for Intelligence Chair, she lost her political clout before she even takes the Speaker's gavel. And now because Murtha is going to get control of the Appropriations defense subcommittee, Pelosi wouldn't want to piss her good and crooked friend off by taking away some of his money and power.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss...

Uh oh