The State of the Union

After last year's obsesseive marathon minute by minute rundown of the President's State of the Union, I decided this time to try to recreate the magic that was that night. However, after realizing that I was a lot funnier in January of 2006, I changed my mind. So, here are some observations, less plentiful.

8:56: Barack Obama entered the hall and hugged an unidentified black Congressman, an image I'm sure no other democratic candidate for President will secretly distribute at pancake breakfasts in Nashua, New Hampshire.

9:00: Chris Matthews introduces "The first woman Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Who is a woman." Very inciteful.

9:04: Secretary of Commerce and noted moustache Carlos Guittierez enters the hall, runs away from Tom Tancredo.

9:14: Bush prays for the speedy recovery of "Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood. Well, not Johnson."

9:18: The President plans to eliminate the federal deficit within five years. His plan? Fire all the democratic members of Congress.

9:21: Ted Kennedy is asleep.

9:24: Bush outlines a health care plan that no one in the chamber understands. Seriously, what the fuck?

9:26: "Medical decisions should be left to patients and their doctors." Ha ha! He's joking!

9:30: Mispronunciation of nuclear (NOO-qu-ler) and vehicle (VEE-hicle).

9:31: Wood chips again?

9:32: Hey, aren't we at war?

9:34: 9/11!

9:46: "We didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan to allow them safe haven in Iraq." Actually, we didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan.

9:50: So Cheney's wearing a purple tie?

9:54: Darfur and Burma, Belarus and Cuba. Who's speaking again?

9:54: "We must fight HIV AIDS especially on the continent of Africa."
Cue...... Black guy!

9:57: DIKEMBE MOTUMBO!!!!!

I need to catch my breath.

10:00: Bush introduces Wesley Autrey, the New Yorker who saved a stranger's life by shielding him from an oncoming subway train. Autrey stands, blows kisses to the crowd, and then... pounds his chest and points at Motumbo. Lynne Cheney inches away. Holy cow! Greatest SOTU moment ever, just nudging out last year's standing ovation after Bush admitted defeat on Social Security.

Ha ha ha bless your soul

Yesterday morning, John "Escalatio" McCain appeared on Meet the Press, to discuss the Iraq War, the upcoming Presidential campaign, and to receive the "Most appearances on Meet the Press" award, a contest in which he barely beat out his closest competitor, Tim Russert.

At any rate, McCain delivered his support for upcoming surge in troops with the enthusiasm of a coma patient, possibly because he is realizing that hey, maybe 20,000 troops won't do anything except result in a couple hundred of them dying, and that he's going to be lassoed with it when he starts running hard for the Presidential nomination. Towards the end of his segment, he reiterated what I believe is the most hilarious rational for continuing our engagement in Iraq: if we leave, Al Queda and the terrorists will follow us home.

How stupid does the Republican Party believe Americans are? There are about a million reasons why we have to succeed, in some form, in Iraq -- millions of Iraqi's could die, Iran could exert military and political influence, etc... and you pick the reason that sounds like you're narrating a public service announcement for kids so they don't get kidnapped?

A quick note: The terrorists know where we live! They attacked us a bunch of times.

Keep on playing those mind games forever

It's a banner week for President Bush! First, in an interview with the Washington Post, admitted that "we're not winning, we're not losing" the War in Iraq, later adding, "But we're really bringing our A game. We've got something to prove out there. I know that we've faced a lot of adversity, but we're really leaving it all out there on the field."

At right around the same time this week (maybe he accidentally caught a news broadcast), The President announced his intentions to change his military strategy in Iraq in an attempt to tamp down the violence and bring our troops home. How does he plan on bringing our troops home? By sending more troops to Iraq. At least he's recognizing there's a problem. That's step one in his recovery from being addicted to incompetence.

So, Bush's strategy for sending more troops? Slavery! No, sorry, I read that wrong. He suggested increasing the size of the military. John Kerry responded that only an idiot or someone who wanted to run for President 35 years later would join the military, and Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Newt Gingrich, and Bill O'Reilly scrambled to a dictionary to look up the term "serving in the military."

Forgive you, why? You hung me out to dry

Ahhh, President Bush. In the days before the election and his abrupt firing of Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President had just a week before voiced full support for, Rumsfeld prepared a memo suggesting a sea change in Iraq, including a drawdown of troops among other options. Not surprisingly, Rumsfeld was fired.

I don't shed any tears for Rumsfeld, who was not the puppet Colin Powell was in the leadup to the war but an ideological leader. Rumsfeld, along with Cheney and Wolfowitz, were the architects of this war and not simply loyal cheerleaders. They deserve what comes to them, whether it be public hatred, loss of status, or loss of power.

However, it seems just so predictable that when they steadfast ideologue Rumsfeld shows the smallest sign of pragmatism, he gets canned. Did Rumsfeld, who for three years referred to nearly every attempt to criticize the war effort as unpatriotic, finally open his eyes? Or, did Rumsfeld see the writing on the wall and realize that since he was heading out the door anyway he might want to try to save some of his legacy?

Conclusions, from a historical perspective?