I've sat upon the setting sun, but never, never, never... I never wanted water once

Quick note to Matt Drudge: We all get it. It's cold out. And thanks for the irony lesson.

Due to the fact that within the past year, the world seems to have finally decided that global warming actually exists, conservative pundits everywhere seem to be pointing to the fact that it is cold. Hey, dipshits, it's winter. It's supposed to be cold. This is straight out of the Tom Delay "I'm not corrupt because I am not currently receiving a bribe as I am talking right now" school.

Simply because it's no longer 70 degrees in Central Park doesn't exactly mean 50 years of scientific study (and one ego trip of a movie with that guy from Tennessee who was a Senator) is bunk. In fact the two things have nothing to do with each other. Now if the polar ice caps started freezing again and Patagonia was no longer grass covered and people could breath in Los Angeles and we weren't being bent over oil barrels by sheiks, well, maybe then it would be time to give Exxon tax breaks. Go fuck yourselves.

I wondered if my name had changed into something more productive

I'm back!

So the hits just keep on a comin' from the crazy crazy world of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, where this week a senior aide argued that Adolph Hitler's parents were both Jews, his mother a prostitute, and that his father actually changed his name to Hitler, presumably from something less dictatorial, possibly Khan.


Besides the generally hilarious idea of a Jewish prostitute, which is the basis for the next Mel Brooks movie, tentatively titled 25 Krone And You Want to Put it Where? I don't think so, the aide also suggested that along with leading the Holocaust, Hitler was also behind the founding of Israel, sort of in the same vein as OJ's "I loved her so much that I had to kill her" philosophy.

Leave it to the Iranians to not only suggest that Hitler's mother was a Jewish prostitute and that his mistress was also Jewish, but that his mother's promiscuity actually led to his hatred of Jews and eventually the holocaust. So, it's all the Jews' fault because in the early 1900's there was a slutty Jewish woman parading around Austria. I'm guessing somewhere in Murray Hill our next great tyrant is about to be conceived?

A Very Special Tuesday News Roundup

- Michael Richards, best known for his hilarious cameo in So I Married An Ax Murderer, apparently flipped the fuck out. While doing standup on Friday night in Los Angeles, he was heckled by two black guys, to which Richards inexplicable responded by calling them niggers and hearkening back to the 1950’s south. Bob Sacamano expressed deep disappointment.

- Fox cancelled the publishing of OJ Simpson’s confession book and TV special, citing an error in judgement in commissioning the project to begin with. Simpson, however, stands by murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

- John Kerry has slipped in the polls for President in 2008 in the aftermath his verbal gaffe insulting American troops. He recently clarified it again, claiming he meant to say "you need to study hard, or else you'll run unsuccessfully for President, make a complete ass out of yourself, and then flail wildly trying to maintain relevance."

"He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer"

The Juice is back in the news, this time confirming a rumor of a news story that broke a while back -- he will appear on Fox TV in an interview with book publisher/Bernie Kerik mistress/absolute bitch Judith Regan, where he will discuss how he would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, if he had committed the murders.

There is significant conjecture about what technique OJ would have used, although my guess is he would have done it EXACTLY THE SAME WAY HE DID IT the first time, except this time he wouldn't have left his bloody glove, a trail of blood leading to his house, blood in his car, more iterations of blood, a note with the bodies that said, "Sorry Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman for murdering you, Love, OJ", and a book, "Murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman and Me: It is my bag, baby" by OJ Simpson.

Fox toyed with the title of the interview, trying to incorporate in their normal themes of midget/millionaire marriages and and alien autopsies while watching Cops, but eventually settled on: "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened", beating out their second choice, "O.J. Simpson: I Did It, Here's How It Happened". Some of the other rejected titles:

"O.J. Simpson: Here's to you, Double Jeopardy! Also, I did it."
"O.J. Simpson: I am trying to drive Fred Goldman insane. I also did it."
"O.J. Simpson: I still have my Heisman. And I did it."
"O.J. Simpson: When does this check clear? By the way, I did it."