Friday News Roundup

- Political ghouls everywhere had to sheath their claws as it seemed Senator Tim Johnson (D-angerously close to causing a 50-50 split in the Senate) got through his brain hemorrhage surgery safely. Rampant speculation had South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds appointing a replacement for Johnson, President Bush declaring a war on brain hemorrhage surgeries, and Harry Reid choking the brain hemorrhage.

- The legislature in New Jersey approved Gay unions in that state. The decision comes a bit too late for Vito Spatafore, but just in time for Jim McGreevey to get married, run for another political office, and then humiliate his new family. Everybody wins! Oh, except his new family. And his old family. And the people of New Jersey.

- Senator John Kerry (D-umbass) continues his whirlwind tour of the Middle East, where I'd imagine he's parasailing and eating grape leaves stuffed with caviar. Kerry is in the region trying to embarrass President Bush while simultaneously torpedoing his own national credibility, a traveling roadshow he patented during the 2004 Presidential campaign. God speed!

- There's trouble with Miss USA winner Tara Conner, besides the fact that she is a pageant winner from a pageant that's run by Donald Trump. Apparently, she has been misbehaving in "New York City bars", including getting naked at Scores. Isn't that a stepup from Miss USA?

- A hunter in Wisconsin killed a deer that had 7 legs and male and female reproductive organs. There are so many good parts to the story, but the funniest is that he didn't shoot it, he ran over it with his truck. Because a 7 legged hermaphroditic deer doesn't have the breakaway speed that normal deer have.

Friday News Roundup

- President Bush is visiting Vietnam this week. I can't even come with an appropriate enough ironic joke here, so I'll just come out and say it: PRESIDENT BUSH DODGED THE DRAFT, WENT AWOL FROM THE THE NATIONAL GUARD, AND HAS SPENT SIX YEARS WAR MONGERING AND SMEARING PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WENT TO WAR, GOT WOUNDED, AND ONE GUY WHO LOST BOTH LEGS AND AN ARM. All right, I feel much better now.

- All right, not done yet. The President said that the US could draw lessons from Vietnam for our current war in Iraq. The lessons? Get your rich and powerful dad to bail you out of fighting and then get drunk and high and have sex with lots of women, then get married, get sober, find Jesus, buy a baseball team, run for Governor, steal the Presidency, invade a country, and then send poor people to get stuck in war against people who are exceptionally determined to win. So... I guess the lessons are for the President's nephew, Pierce Bush? Haha, know what I'm sayin?

- The Playstation 3 was released last night, causing a near riot at a mall in Boston, a shooting in Connecticut, and also awkward encounters between 35 year-olds who still live with their parents.

- Ohio Representative John Boehner was again tabbed by the House Republicans to be their Minority Leader, to which he responded, "For the last time, it's pronounce BAY-ner". Barney Frank expressed disappointment.