Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Surprise, Surprise

That's right folks, it's official. The New York Times' ace blogger, Patrick Healy, has broken the biggest story of the presidential cycle. I, Dave Rubin, will endorse Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton in her race for the White House.

My decision making process was a long and difficult one. I thought about it from every angle, every possible match-up, and every possible scenario. Here's how it all shook out:

Tier 3: The "Hey, I'm on TV" Candidates

Dennis Kucinich: Usually midgets with nonsensical views of a peaceful world really speak to me (see Dukakis, Michael), but I am too attracted to his wife and I couldn't get over the fact that he looks like Ed Grimley, so I ruled him out almost immediately.

"I was once Mayor of Cleveland!"

Mike Gravel: I had a soft spot for Gravel because he reminds me of my grandfather. Of course, my Grandfather had Alzheimer's disease so that was that.

"I bought this coat at good will."

Tier 2: The "Hey, its my turn" Candidates

Chris Dodd: I don't care how good he is on the issues, I just can't bring myself to vote for Phil Donahue.

"Hey it's Enrico Palazzo!"

Joe Biden: I've railed about Joe Biden's ego, his aversion to ever shutting up, and his reality defying hair, but I always thought he knew what he was talking about on foreign policy. That is why I am proud to endorse Joe Biden for President in 1988.

"So I can't be President? All right. Can I interest you in a used car?"

Bill Richardson: Richardson, or "El Gobernador Gordo" has a fantastic resume, likes long walks on the beach, the buffet table, putting his staff in headlocks, and if the rumors are true, sleeping with women who aren't his wife. Man, this guy seems real disciplined.

"No, first we eat lunch then we wrestle. Food, then wrestling."

Tier 1: The "Hey, for some reason I might win this thing" Candidates

John Edwards: I was willing to vote for him until I realized that I hate him as a person.

"Really? I was going for disingenuous so I'm glad you say that."

Barack Obama: The favorite of liberal elites, a group of which I am proud to wish I was a member, Barack has shown flashes of brilliance and courage in his quest to be the first black man that Hillary passes over for Vice President.

(Editor's note: I could not locate a bad picture of Barack Obama)

Hillary Clinton: I could talk about her lifelong commitment to health care, her vast knowledge of public policy, her unflappability, and her strength on national security, but thinking strategically I decided that the average American is more afraid of blacks than women so I had to go with her.

(Editor's note: Too scared to write joke)

So, I am proud to announce that... What? Oh, Patrick Healy meant Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin will endorse Hillary Clinton, not lowly barely read blogger Dave Rubin. Oh. All right, then. In that case, I'm writing in Al Gore.


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