He'll never be the head of a major corporation

Well I'm scared to death...

Well this rounds out the list of grievances I have against Greyhound:

- Chronically late
- Surly drivers
- Always stop at same Roy Rogers
- Decapitations

Number 2?

The buzz out of Washington (or rather Illinois) is that Barack is ready to make his pick for VP, and that pick will be.... Tim Kaine's left eyebrow, pictured here providing Kaine shelter from sweat.


Kaine is anti-death penalty, a middle of the road democrat and pretty popular in Virginia, so one would have to assume his left eyebrow would have at least some of the same political leanings. I think it's the safe play.

Other names on the short list include Joe Biden's teeth, Bill Richardson's third chin, and Hillary Clinton's balls.

While your gun's raisin', mine is blazin'

And the winner of the "Worst Response to the Best Press your Opponent Will Ever Get" award goes to... John McCain! Obama is meeting with the Iraqi Parliament, Simon Peres, speaking to about 10 million Europeans, and he's ordering schnitzel from the St. Pauli Girl?

TAKE THE DAY OFF. You can't beat him this today. You can't beat him this week. Let it settle, announce your absurdly predictable VP nominee, and then you can go back to photo ops at ethnic themed restaurants while you're dressed in a flannel shirt.

As a side note, I have never, ever, seen the kind of positive press Obama is getting right now. It's almost as good as the coverage McCain has gotten for the past 8 years.

What is the charge of how this came to be

Luckily, it was a misdemeanor.

No, seriously, CNN's resident mixed-breed/hottie Soledad O'Brien wrote a piece today about a trio of black women who went into the Gap during their lunch hour and were ultimately detained and interrogated by police. Now, to be fair, these were the first black people to ever enter a Gap, so the police probably assumed they were either lost or from another planet.

In related news, I walked into a Foot Locker recently and had no problem.

The Goot is on the Loose

My prayers have been answered. A major (cough) publication, The New York Observer, has done a bio-piece on perhaps the most underrated actor of the the last 50, nay, the last 500 years, Steve Guttenberg.

"Assignment Miami Beach, you say? No, I have standards."

I'd be giddy anyway, because of my love of everything Guttenberg and because friend of the blog PMS looks remarkably like him. But the article gives us much, much more -- Guttenberg has endured a bit of a resurgence lately, due to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. So, you would think the movie offers would be rolling in.

Not, so much.

Apparently, the life of the Gutte (or Goot), is rather ordinary:

“I pop out of bed at 6:30. And I say my prayers, and every day have a little hot water and lemon, that’s my start,” he said. “And I go take a run in Central Park.” The other day, he met an attractive female jogger. Got her digits. They went on a date. Didn’t work out, but last Thursday he took a blond Cornell grad to the Water Club.

“Nothing sexier than a smart woman,” he said. “The Goot is on the loose.”

Let's just let that soak in for a moment.

All right. And:

"After his morning jog, he hits the gym in his building; he lives in the Reebok Condo on Columbus Avenue and 67th Street. “I’ve tried to stay fit, you know, because it’s my instrument, this is my violin,” he said, gesturing over his body. “I play the violin. So I want to keep it tuned up …. So I work out there during the day, and then I write.”

This is confusing. Reading this paragraph, I think I'm to assume that the next paragraph would reveal to the world that Steve Guttenberg is, in fact, adult film actor Buck Naked. Surprisingly, it says no such thing. Steve just likes to keep in shape, because he's a violin.

This whole thing is too much for me to digest. I'm assuming that either a reality show is in the works or this will be the jumping off point. I demand it.

What about Brett Fav...re

So the big news (read: only news) on ESPN this week was that Brett Favre was contemplating returning to the Green Bay Packers and making one more run at this whole football thing.

Brett expressed these desires to the Packers via text message: "LOL Can I play next season TTYL"

Apparently the Packers said he could only play if he was Aaron Rodgers backup, so Favre asked for his release: " hi can u release me? ROTFL" , and the Packers said no, so now there seems to be a bit of a crossroads.

I only care about this because apparently there have been some rumors about Favre signing with the Jets: "OMG i'd love to play in NYC". As a Jets fan, I just don't know what they're thinking. I mean, we've already got a top notch quarterback with a cannon for an arm. I mean a fucking rocket.

Fuck, the Jets are going to get Brett Favre.

Come on and get your rocks.... out?

I have no problem with Jesse Jackson getting pissed at Barack Obama. I have no problem with Jesse Jackson voicing his anger with Barack Obama, either on a live mic or a not live mic. However, I have to say his choice of words here are both disgusting and kind of confusing -- usually one would cut someone's balls "off", not "out". How does that work? Is he planning on using a melon baller?

If I was not the idealist I still believe am, I would think that the Obama camp planned this to highlight some of the harsh things he said against the black community in order to gain some traction. Of course that's only if I was not an idealist.

Jetsweaters

It's summer again, which means a particular problem is rearing its head at me. And for some reason, this summer, it is worse than it's ever been.


I have, shall we say, had some episodes. One day I made the unfortunate mistake of wearing a blue shirt to work and was punished severely for that on the train ride home, resulting in me running to the Gap to buy a new shirt. That scenario repeated itself several weeks later.

I have sweat in Miami, where again I made the monumentally dumb decision of wearing a blue shirt in the middle of the day to lunch and I was asked, "What's going on with you? Are you all right?" Ten minutes in the bathroom with some paper towels and the hand dryer, and I was all right.

I have sweat in Scotland, where a particularly sunny day led to sunburn which led to a sweating fit that I literally could not stop. Then for some reason I went running. Big mistake. I tried Aloe, I tried two showers, I tried holding a glass of ice water on my head and hands, and alas, I failed.

And I have sweat at the new MGM casino at Foxwoods. This was a whole new strata of sweat -- I'm talking groundbreaking, Sputnikian even. Usually, during a particularly bad episode, I'll merely slink off to a bathroom, dry off, cool off, and then emerge, only to repeat the process 30 minutes later. Well, at this club, the bathroom was full of douchebags gelling their hair, the paper towels were being doled out by an illegal immigrant who would only give me one at a time, and the temperature never dipped below the boiling point of water.

I couldn't stop sweating. I tried every trick in the book -- fanning myself, drying myself, drinking cold water, holding ice in my hands, getting in front of fans.... nothing worked. Fairly soon, my hair was soaking wet and I looked like Jason Giambi at a strip club. Lucky for me, I wore a yellow shirt so I thought my problems were isolated to my head. Unlucky for me, my friends had cameras and they proved me wrong:


This was made even worse by yesterday's news that a photo of me as well as friend of the blog PK had made its way on to the MGM's website, which I'm assuming was either a error or a joke.

Help me.

CNN you stupid slut

Wes we can!

"Yes sir I'll trim these sideburns."

This week, former NATO Supreme Allied Commander, my former candidate, and noted swimmer Wes Clark went on Face the Nation and poorly handled a question from Bob Schieffer, saying that the fact that John McCain was shot down by the Vietnamese didn't qualify him to be President. Which is true but that's not important.

This is brings a larger issue into question: Why the hell did I think Wes Clark would be a good candidate for President? How do you let Bob Schieffer back you into a corner like that? If Schieffer says, "Nor has (Obama) ridden in a fighter plane and gotten shot down," Clark needs to say, "Bob, the issue I'm discussing is one of leadership and judgement. John McCain has not demonstrated the judgement required to lead this country out of the Iraq War. Despite his courageous service to this country, he is simply the wrong choice for President." Now I'm venting.

The best part of this whole ordeal is that we get to hear a lot from Orson Swindle, (not a stage name), a POW bunkmate of McCain at the Hanoi Hilton and winner of the 2008 award for "Most Dickensian Name on the Campaign Trail", who assailed Clark for supposedly besmirching McCain's war service (which he did not do). How did Orson Swindle (oh god his name is so hysterical) go after Clark? BY ATTACKING CLARK'S WAR SERVICE. Love it.