Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Myspace has been in the press a lot lately, mostly due to school shooters, stalking, and pedophiles. To be honest, I'm proud to be in the same social network with the future murderers and rapists of America. Maybe, if I'm lucky, one of them will be in a band and ask me to be their friend.

And, despite its good qualities like the ability to track ex-girlfriends and crushes and kids you went to camp with in 1986, the bad qualities, like the overwhelming addiction, penchance for ego stroking, and the aforementioned pedophilia, outweigh the good. Which doesn't bother me, because I'm addicted. And I have a massive ego. And I'm a pedophile. Ha ha. Just kidding. My ego is well under control.

With the evolution of the internet comes the evolution of how mindblowingly annoying human beings can be. And Myspace, like Friendster and email before it, allows humans to stretch to new heights of dickitude and obnoxiousness. Some call it creativitity and uniqueness, I call it fantastic writing material. Here's a bit of what I'm talking about:

1. The guy who keeps posting bulletins:
All right, once in a while is ok, but like all humans, I can't stand filling out applications and surveys. Not this guy. And he doesn't keep them to himself, he posts them so I'm forced to look at them when I do my daily stalking. I don't care what your first pet's name was. I don't care if you have a special crush on someone. Under no circumstances would I ever need to know what movie you saw last or about the time you snuck out of your house with Tina and Brittany. And I think it's pretty obvious from the amount of time that you spend on Myspace that your relationship status is : "Single, but waiting for the right girl!"

2. The topless/sleeveless guy
Slightly easy to spot, this is usually reserved for guys named Mitch, Derek, or Lance. These guys are eagerly awaiting the results of their application to Elimidate as well as their bidaily Hepatitis tests. Bonus points if they have pictures where they are topless with any other guys, minor celebrities, have any picture taken in Miami, Vegas, or the Meatpacking district, or use any variation of the phrase: "Just me and the boys, partying it up like usual! Paramus crew 4 life!" Extra bonus points if there is not earthly reason why they have no shirt on, like if the picture was taken at their office or a funeral. Super bonus points if "I work hard but play harder" appears anywhere on their profile.

3. The slutty girl
I enjoy these most of all, for obvious reasons. Her profile usually includes how she loves Maroon 5, her puppy (whom she refers to as her baby), and "hangin out with my girlz" (with a z). Most enjoyable if there is also a picture of her kid somewhere in the profile, with the quote: "My daughter is my life", directly next a photo of her about to be tagteamed in a bathroom in Milwaukee. Even better if there is a picture of her and her parents next to a picture of her kissing a girl with the caption: "Crazy days!!! Luvv u Jenn!!! :)"

4. The teenage girl
I'm not sure how a 16 year old girl owns more albums or has a bigger vocabulary than I do while simultaneously making me feel sexually uncomfortable, but on Myspace, anything is possible. Somehow a high school junior has had enough life experiences to be so ethereal that she only speaks in Elliott Smith song lyrics and only appears in black and white photographs. Each photo must contain a cigarette or wine glass. Lips must be pursed at all times and in at least 50% of the photos she is either wearing a hoodie or laying on her bed.

Other quick hits:
- The guy with extraordinarily loud techno music on his profile
- The girl/prostitute with the webcam who wants to be your "friend"
- The guy whose profile design slows down your computer


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