Save the world

Via CNN' unintentionally hilarious headline generator (CNNUHHG):

Excellent.

To hate them and fear them

Nearly two years ago, I spouted off a hate list, a venture of people and things that was made even angrier by my unemployment and boredom. Today, I have a job. Yet I am still largely bored.

So when I was feeling particularly pissed off today, I thought about writing another hate list. I started thinking about who or what might make that list, and I quickly came to a conclusion.


There is no need for a list.

Dane Cook. This isn't even a mild flirtation anymore. I loathe Dane Cook. He's right up there with Colin Farrell and Adam Levine from Maroon 5.

I was raised by Comedy Central. I watched so many hours of stand up comedy as a kid I don't know how to throw a football properly. I love stand up comedy. And I've tried to love Dane Cook. I downloaded his albums, listened to them over and over again. I've probably thought more about Dane Cook than any other comedian in the last 5 years -- because when I watch him I think something is wrong with me. I see the laughter and the billboards, the concert tours and Tourgasm, the movie roles with Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba. He's everywhere. And I don't fucking get it.

The Dane Cook haters (AKA people with attention spans) are everywhere too -- There's danecooksucks.com, a website that offers "proof" that Dane Cook, indeed, sucks. All over the internet are videos and detailed analyses of how Dane Cook has stolen material from actual comedians. How his ego is out of control. And how, most importantly, he's not funny.

People can put up with a lot if someone is funny. Chris Rock made everyone feel really uncomfortable. Dennis Miller was an A-1 douchebag. Richard Pryor was on crack. Chevy Chase thought he was better than everyone else. On the whole, these were not particularly likeable guys. But they were funny. Dane Cook is not.

Invariably, when the topic of Dane Cook comes up with my Dane Cook fan friends (lets call them ASOAFDCFF or Attention Span of A Flea Dane Cook Fan Friends), they'll say "What about this bit or what about this bit" at which point I usually zone out. But, they do have good points, even though I don't remember what there points were. I've listened to Retaliation more times than I would like to admit, and I have to say, that "Shit on the Coats" routine is funny. And that thing about smashing an ice cream cone into a kids' face is funny. Two bits in an album full of catch phrases and sound effects.

Hell, if you watched an episode of Full House you would probably laugh one per half hour. Maybe the laugh would be at Michelle's hilarious hijinks or Stephanie saying "How Rude". Maybe you would laugh at Joey's pants or his mullet, Jesse saying "Have mercy" or maybe it would be at Bob Saget's pants or his mullet, but an hour of Full House watching is going to illicit at least two or three laughs. Congratulations, Dane, you're as funny as Full House.

But the creme de la creme of this abomination that is Dane Cook are these baseball promos on Fox.

Oh, wait, I forgot, how many Octobers are there?



Oh, right, there's only one October.

Baseball fans everywhere are desperately searching for an another October where Dane Cook doesn't exist.

You wouldn't imagine that Fox could possibly hire someone more obnoxious than Tim McCarver, but somehow they did. Why Dane Cook? Don't we want likeable guys here? Don Cheadle. Harrison Ford. Sam Waterston. Matt Damon. Diane Lane. Kate Beckinsale. Ok, now I'm just listing people I like.

So my hate list is one thing long: Dane Cook. Also Mitt Romney. And Two and a Half Men. And John Edwards. And Ann Coulter. And crocks. And Rudy Giuliani. And Maroon 5 again. And Joe Lieberman. And leather jackets. And Carlos Mencia, oh god Carlos Mencia. And Bono. And Jonathan Papelbon. And Bill Bellichick (spelling mistake intended).

And then return

"Hey, does anybody have dibs on that orange?"

Hey, what a nice event. It's the Dalai Lama. And Nancy Pelosi. And, oh, its President Bush. And OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT GOLEM?!?!

Ok, ok, it's just Robert Byrd.

In other news President Bush held a news conference today where he officially made the transformation from Regular Old Douchebag in Chief to Sarcastic Douchebag in Chief, saying: " So I've told people that, if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."

Now we all know everything Bush says is tightly scripted as to avoid him calling a reporter an asshole or suggesting that gynecologists have sex with their patients, but when did the White House Communications team decide to hire former writers from Will and Grace to pep up Bushs press conferences?

Build me up

It's been a rough week. I will not speak of baseball until next Spring. Last night, as I wallowed in the Mets defeat, I browsed Boston.com and stumbled across this photo, which made me laugh and almost definitely got a web editor fired.