And to all a good night

Instead of visiting Iraq this Christmas, President Bush tried a different tact and senta Santa Claus in his place. Sadly, Santa was killed by an IED just outside of Fallujah. In response, the President ordered 20,000 more Santas immediately deployed to Baghdad.

Final Countown

What a week! Rudy making the fruitcake ad and then getting the flu (not a recurrence of dickcancer), McCain coming back in the polls and also Rudy's fruitcake ad (which I can't get over)

6. The revolving door

That's right, McKinney and the Tank (which sounds like a buddy cop movie) have switched places in the presidential race, with former Georgia Congresswoman and current mental patient Cynthia McKinney jumping into the race and Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-acist) leaving it. McKinney got in just in time, too, because the mentally insane Green Party supporters who aren't supporting Kucinich, Gravel, or Abbey Hoffman were getting restless.
Also, she's an anti-semite and believes 9/11 was an inside job. That's excellent.

Tancredo's departure was due to his anemic funds and realization that somehow he is even too racist for the Republican field, which is something like being too gay to be on Project Runway. He inexplicably endorsed Mitt Romney, "because his hair looks kind of like mine."

5. Attacks

Hillary Clinton has registered two websites (internet, ay?) which will have the express charter to attack Barack Obama's record in the Illinois State Senate. She also had former Nebraska Senator Bob Kerrey and his enormous head subtly mention Obama's Muslim background and had villainous New Hampshire politician Billy Shaheen suggest Obama sold drugs.

For his part, Barack Obama has done.... Nothing! GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS BARACK! You're up against two of the best political minds ever, they're suggesting you dealt drugs and that you're a jihadist and the best you can do to hit back is to make vague references to change vs. more of the same?

Tis the season

Continuing in my series, the numbers 8 and 7 of things I love most about primary season.

8. Pandering
Let's take two examples.
Christian pandering:

Mike Huckabee envoking Christ's name in a presidential campaign ad that talks nothing about his campaign, the office of the Presidency, or the floating crucifix flagrantly featured in the backdrop. This is almost as bad as the time when -- no wait this is the worst ever.

And secondly, creepy pandering:

Let's forget for a second that Rudy says "fruitcake" and that he overacts like a cross between William Shatner and an epileptic. I'll let both of those go. The mute Santa who appears for a milisecond at the end of the ad and Rudy dressed like he's managing a McDougals, on the other hand... I have to object. What the hell is this ad?

Rudy, give it up. Who are you trying to fool here? You're leading in the polls because for some reason people thing you'll blow up brown people, not because they like you, think you're a good human being, or that you ever owned a Christmas tree. Go back to 9/11. It's what you know.

7. Polls

You've got every Tom, Dick, and Zogby on every television show spouting off about how 400 people in rural Iowa who can't read or write and who watch American Idol have told them how they really feel about the Presidential field. Much like the old adage about complete morons being the only people who can't weasel their way out of jury duty, the yoyos who talk to pollsters for 20 minutes during their dinner aren't exactly the brightest bulbs either.

Polls told everyone that Joe Lieberman was the democratic favorite in 2004, and despite his Joementum, Kerry prevailed. Howard Dean was leading by double digits in Iowa and New Hampshire, and Kerry prevailed. Kerry was leading Bush after exit polls (which should be idiot proof) and Bush prevailed.

That being said, there is one poll I trust:

Hey now

Yes! This race finally gets interesting.

Sadly, the love child is his daughter Cate and the mother is his wife Elizabeth, but come on! I'm tired of this Obama/Hillary dynamic -- let's get some sex in there!

Frankie Lee, and Judas Priest, they were the best of friends

"No, the sweaters are a complete coincidence."

I'm a little late to the show on this, but yesterday Senator Joe Lieberman crossed over from whatever party he actually represents now to endorse Maverick Senator and fellow old man John McCain in his campaign for.... Hmmm... President! That's right, John McCain is running for President.

After deflecting questions about party lotyalty (haha) and McCain's struggling campaign, the questions turned to the most important questions of the day: Who the fuck cares who Lieberman endorses? 9% in 2004, folks. And those were from Orthodox Jews and people who thought Lieberman was the dad on Alf.

Meanwhile, the nutty lefties over at Daphne's blog used this latest Lieberman betrayal to.... I don't fucking care.

Springtime for Hitler

I almost threw up on the street this morning.

Now that we've got that out of the way, onto the hilarious commentary!

I read a lot of different news outlets (FoxNews, Fox Business News, transcripts of Fox & Friends) and for work I read various Scottish newspapers, including the Scotsman, which came out with this headline this morning:



So I'm checking out for the weekend. Tune in next week for the primary breakdown and the rest of what I love about Primary Season.

Pretty soon you'll find out

So I know that I'm out of the campaign fray this time, but much like my sex life, it's been exciting just to watch.

As the Iowa Caucus nears, Moderately Effed will bring you my official handicapped predicitions for primary victory, as well The Top Ten Things I Love About Campaign Season. That feature starts today, with numbers 10 and 9:

10. Carl Cameron


I don't think I need to comment here; Carl's sunglasses speak for themselves. Carl, who grew famous sucking up to President Bush and denigrating Senator Kerry, looks like a cross between the dad from Calvin and Hobbes and a lollipop. But, what can I say? I'm a "sucker" (get it?) for his no-nonsense reporting. If Brian Kilmeade could be sent on the campaign trail then it would all be cream cheese for me.

9. Ambassador Alan Keyes

He's back! And clean shaven, at that. It wouldn't be a Presidential campaign (or any campaign for that matter) without Alan "Genuine Chocolate Face" Keyes. Finally, the black/ultra conservative/diplomat/academic wing of the Republican party has someone they can rally around. The field is set! While I think everyone hopes he wins the nomination, setting up a rematch with Barack Obama, I think we all know that his campaign will end after Tom Tancredo reports him to the INS for being an illegal alien or Rudy Giuliani's security detail shoots him 41 times.

This big

President Bush had a fun day today, meeting with Italian President Giorgio Napolitano and discussing Iran, Israel, and TGI Friday's mozzarella sticks.

Let's play multiple choice! Bush is shown in the photo above:

a) Showing off his new miming skills to the White House press corps
b) Comparing the length of aluminum control rods to the length of his cock
c) Demonstrating the proper technique to impersonate himself
d) Meeting with an equally inconsequential world leader who is also clinging to relevance

News

I'm a little lazy today, so I figured I would let the news speak for itself.

Lazy

I've been trying desperately to fight my blogging laziness, but it's been a struggle. So, I've been figuring out ways to be creatively lazy, which has resulted in frequent postings to my pretentious photoblog (route17revisited.blogspot.com) and me coming up with stupid Jew themed puns, including:

- A kosher butcher called "Cud, Sweat and Tears"
- A Jewish band called "The Yids are Alright"

At any rate, longtime friend of the blog MC Napkins (Note: he doesn't know I have a blog) produced a Youtube video that's right up my proverbial alley (not my literal alley, that's disgusting)

Enjoy!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wPVPgYBwGQg

Hmmm...

Via CNN's brand new unintentionally funny quick vote generator, CNNUFQVG, not to be confused with CNN unintentionally funny headline generator, CNNUFHG, we get this poll, which I'm sure will get the pulse of the people.

While normally my answer to this would be yes, after reading the story and discovering that the registered sex offender in question is superhot former teacher Debra Lafave, my answer has changed to yes, yes, oh God yes, oh God yes, yes, oh God, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

I ran, for the President of Iran

That's right, Dick Cheney, Iran halted its nuclear program in 2003, despite its recent flexing and the above hysterical photo of Mahmoud peering into what I'm assuming is actually a bucket of milk. Maybe we should have figured that there was no uranium at that plant when the absurdly narcissistic leader of Iran DIDNT WEAR A MASK, but hey, we're talking about the CIA here, so I'm not surprised. In fact, this announcement by the US that it has intelligence that Iran is not manufacturing nukes must mean that Iran is in fact manufacturing nukes.

Despite this discovery of an impotent nuclear program, Bush National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley predictably insisted that Iran remained a grave threat to American national security, arguing that Iran could regenerate the program by 2015, just in time to ruin Hillary Clinton's legacy "if everything goes to plan".