Friday, January 18, 2008

Friday News Roundup (and predictions)

It's been a while (July) since I've written my famed Friday News Roundup, once a hilarious staple of this space. Why? Because it started to suck. Bad. But, while reading the news this morning, I don't know, I felt compelled.

This story continues to bother me. First of all, if you go to the zoo and you're not under the age of 12 or chaperoning children under the age of 12, isn't it a given that you'll be high or drunk? We're talking about a place where animals are kept in captivity and don't do anything interesting -- alcohol and marijuana are the only things that will allay boredom and pangs of morality.

But the creme de la creme of all of this is that police, the city of San Francisco, and the zoo continue to shift blame on these guys for getting eaten by a tiger -- when, according to the article, the wall enclosing Tatiana the Tiger was 4 feet lower than the suggested height minimum.

These guys didn't jump into the tiger cage. They didn't get a papercut and swim with sharks. They didn't poke Gentle Ben with a stick. They did what a lot of people do when they go to a zoo, which is why all zoos should be closed -- they taunted a gigantic dangerous animal that shouldn't be cohabitating with humans. And the zoo screwed up because their wall wasn't high enough and somebody got eaten. But that's ok because they were drunk and high and yelling at the tiger.

- Mitt Romney has shifted strategies and is now running for sales manager of a Staples

- Osama Bin Laden's 26 year old son, who wears dreadlocks, a leather jacket, and a goatee, is planning a 300 hundred mile horse race (with his 52 year old wife) to promote peace between the West and Al Queda. I'll just let that one sit.

- And finally, the Nevada caucuses in both parties are being held tomorrow, as is the South Carolina primary on the Republican side. Nevada is a big contest for the Democrats, as it has been quiet since Iowa and the campaigns have invested alot into the state. The Republicans are almost exclusively focused on South Carolina. Now, the predictions.

Nevada Dems

1. Clinton
2. Obama
3. Edwards

Obama got the big endorsements from SEIU and the Culinary workers, but following the pattern, Hillary Clinton is still dominating the big cities while Barack is doing better in rural areas; She's leading in Vegas and he is leading everywhere else. An untested electorate means anything could happen, including an Edwards win, but despite Obama's organization, I feel like the Clinton name will win out. An Obama win here would be huge as he is already leading in South Carolina.

Nevada Republicans

1. Romney
2. McCain
3. Huckabee

South Carolina

1. McCain
2. Huckabee
3. Romney

The big test for Huckabee -- can he win another primary? And can he win where he should? He needs to turn out the Christian base, which explains his fiery comments on gay marriage earlier this week; they need to come out in droves for him. There weren't enough in Michigan or New Hampshire, but there are enough in South Carolina if he can move them. I just don't see it happening.


Anonymous Jeff Beukeboom's Brother said...

I'm not sure you are an authority on this, but where do babies come from?
I think it's the stork. It's the stork right?

4:46 PM  

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