When I'm through with you, you'll learn to keep your business straight

"Well, Hillary, I... Just shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

The old band got back together last night for mano-a-womano-a-John Edwards debate, moderated by Wolf Blitzer's beard and surprisingly hot Suzanne Malveaux. Hillary and Barack really got into this time, firing personal attacks at each other over Ronald Reagan, WalMart, and sleazy slumlords. Oh, that nice young man from North Carolina was there.

The debate started on the issues but quickly delved into Hillary going after Barack for praising Reagan (he did not) and complimenting the ideas of the Republican Party (he did not). Barack accused Hillary and her unemployed husband of distorting his record (they did). Edwards accused both of them of bickering with each other (they did) and then accused the American public of wholeheartedly rejecting his candidacy (they did). All three candidates accused Wolf Blitzer of being a pulseless windbag (he is), and of asking third grade level questions (he did).

Aside from the conscienceless political sniping, which went from forced to robotic to nasty to forced, there were some significant policy discussions -- in fact just one, on health care. Barack attacked Hillary for going at health care reform the wrong way in the early 90's, and then he elaborated in the vaguest way humanly possible that he wanted to "bring people together". Hillary disagreed and said that the only way to succeed would be to drive people apart and then called Barack a "house (expletive)".

And, keeping with CNN's crack journalistic standards, the following hysterical exchange happened, quotes are approximate:

CNN hack #1: "Senator Obama, was Bill Clinton the first black President?"
Barack Obama: "Affinity from blacks... from the South... I'd have to check out his dance moves among other things to determine if he is actually a brother."
Hillary: "That can be arranged."

Of course by "among other things" Barack meant "dick size" and by "that can be arranged" Hillary meant "he's already pantsless somewhere so it shouldn't be a problem."