Hey, has anyone ever told you...

A large part of my adult life has been spent in bars. Because I currently live and have in the past lived in Boston, the majority of these nights featured Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me, Adam Vinatieri jerseys, and girls from Saugus named Marie. Wicked awesome, right? Typically, guys usually don't get approached in bars, unless they're wearing striped shirts and are buying every woman in sight a shot of Southern Comfort and lime. Obviously, women are almost always the target of attention and conversation, and in my experience, men are often surprised and flattered when they are approached, even if 1:15 at the Purple Shamrock isn't exactly the ideal time to meet your future wife.



I, on the other hand, have gotten used to getting approached in bars. And in restaurants. And at the grocery store. And on movie lines. And on the subway. And despite my constant need to be the center of attention in any situation, I'm getting tired of it. Now, a reader who doesn't know me may ask: are you really that good looking? Are you muscular, do you have a nice smile? Do you look like you might be able to pay for a girl's cab ride back out to Revere? I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but I do know that apparently, I resemble a certain celebrity who calls Boston his hometown. I won't go into specifics except to say it's Matt Damon.


Yeah.

Now that I've returned to Boston, I am told of my resemblance to Will Hunting no less than 4 times a week, usually by someone screamingly drunk. Beer goggles not withstanding, the comparison also seems to be a favorite among CVS counter people, subway conductors, and old men who hang out near the Central Square T stop. How have I not found a wife among this bunch?

Over the years, it has run the gamut. Unfortunately, I have somehow evaded "Hot women who like to have energetic sex with celebrity lookalikes" but as long as I stay in Boston for the rest of my life, I'm pretty sure I'll find one eventually. Or a girl from Saugus named Marie.

The comments usually come in one of three forms:

1) "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Matt Damon?"
No, you are the first person to interrupt my dinner and ask me that. I have never heard that ever in my life. Not once. How insightful.

2) "Say 'how do you like them apples!'"
Oh god, I hate this. In what way is this entertaining?

3) "You should be Matt Damon's stunt double!"
Hey, yeah! That's a great idea. Because I'm particularly athletic and enjoy getting thrown from buildings and lit on fire. I'm also sure that takes absolutely no training and guys can just walk on to the set of the Bourne Ultimatum. Sign me up.

Maybe I should just embrace my celebrity resemblance and use it to snag women, get tables at fancy restaurants, and generally be coddled by people in the food services industry. Or, maybe I should just ignore its usefulness and complain about it incessantly. Yeah I'll just do that second one.