Maybe, baby
Seven days out of the midterm congressional elections, and if you listen to the pundits, the Democrats look poised to capture the House, Tennessee Senate candidate Harold Ford Jr. likes to eff white women, Michael J. Fox is perfectly healthy, and Nancy Pelosi will relocate the speakers' office to a bath house in Dupont Circle.
But seriously, if the polls are even remotely accurate, the Democrats will win about 20 seats, switching control of the House of Representatives and really frustrating Dick Gephardt. In the Senate, however, it will be a much tighter fight, and will come down to 7 races. The Democrats need to win 6. Here they are, in the order that they first come into my head right now:
Knock 'em out the box, Rick (Pennsylvania)
Incumbent Rick "The Haircut" Santorum is facing Bob "I am so a democrat" Casey in the most gratifyingly lopsided contest of the cycle. Santorum has been in the Senate for 12 years and is trailing by double digits in most polls. It's all so sweet. Highlights of the last six years include Santorum claiming we had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Santorum saying women belong in the home, and Santorum using the phrase "man on dog" in public. See ya on the 700 club!
Prediction: Casey in a walk.
And it Burns, Burns, Burns (Montana)
Incumbent Republican Senator Conrad "I'm corrupt and I'm an idiot" Burns squares off against Jon "My last name ends in an R, not an S. Grow up" Tester in a very exciting race pitting a farmer (Tester) against a mental retard (Burns). Fun facts: Tester is family friends with Pearl Jam guitarist Jeff Ament, and responding to this question, "Conrad, how can you live back there with all those niggers?" Burns once said, it was "a hell of a challenge". Seriously.
Prediction: Tester by 4.
Take me to another place, Take me to another land (Tennessee)
Race baiting, incredibly negative ads, and it isn't even Massachusetts! Republican Bob "My daughter makes out with girls on Facebook" Corker and Democrat Harold "Hey, what are you doing later" Ford are going at it, and it has gotten very dirty. The RNC ran an ad bringing up Ford's tendency to date white women (apparently still a no-no in Tennessee), and has attacked Ford's politically corrupt family. It's all very weird because Ford really isn't black, but, whatever.
Prediction: Corker by 5.
What else can you show me (Missouri)
Stem cells and Marty McFly, oh my! Republican incumbent Jim "No" Talent is facing Claire "I'm much more attractive in my campaign literature" McCaskill. Talent beat the late Mel Carnahan's widow Jean Carnahan in 2002, so I hope he gets destroyed. Also, Jim Caviezel spoke Aramaic in a friendly campaign ad for a Republican ballot measure, so I'm pretty sure God is probably pissed off about that.
Prediction: McCaskill by two.
Got to get down to it, soldiers are cutting us down (Ohio)
Incumbent Mike "No clever nickname" Dewine is facing Sherrod "I know, my name sounds black" Brown. This has become incredibly uninteresting because Brown seems to be running away with it in a state where Republicans are incredibly unpopular and yet John Kerry still managed to tank. But that's another story.
Prediction: Brown by a bunch.
Shadows even the silver spoon (Rhode Island)
Incumbent "Lancelot" Lincoln Chafee is going up against Sheldon "Ironic last name" Whitehouse.
I have no interest in this race.
Prediction: Whitehouse by 7.
A wheel in the ditch, And a wheel on the track (Virginia)
My favorite race of the cycle by far, featuring a genuine villain, George "Johnny Reb/Macaca/How dare you accuse me of being Jewish" Allen and a genuinely bad public speaker, Jim "I may not respect women" Webb. The issues do not matter in this race anymore; it's all about who's a racist and who demeans women and whose mom was afraid to tell her son that she was Jewish and who speaks exclusively in football metaphors and who chews tobacco and who wrote dirty books and who uses the confederate flag as fashion statement and who is dumb as a bag of rocks. Politics. It's FANNNNNNtastic.
Prediction: Allen by 4.
So, the Dems hold their seats, even with a tight one featuring Bob "I know a guy who knows a guy" Menendez and Tom "My daddy was Governor" Kean in New Jersey, and pick up 5 out of 6 Republican seats, leaving Harry Reid as Minority Leader and some Republican presidential contender in the running for (barely) majority leader. It's just like early 2002 all over again, except the Dems will have the House, and Tom Daschle won't be involved, and George Bush won't be popular.
But seriously, if the polls are even remotely accurate, the Democrats will win about 20 seats, switching control of the House of Representatives and really frustrating Dick Gephardt. In the Senate, however, it will be a much tighter fight, and will come down to 7 races. The Democrats need to win 6. Here they are, in the order that they first come into my head right now:
Knock 'em out the box, Rick (Pennsylvania)
Incumbent Rick "The Haircut" Santorum is facing Bob "I am so a democrat" Casey in the most gratifyingly lopsided contest of the cycle. Santorum has been in the Senate for 12 years and is trailing by double digits in most polls. It's all so sweet. Highlights of the last six years include Santorum claiming we had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Santorum saying women belong in the home, and Santorum using the phrase "man on dog" in public. See ya on the 700 club!
Prediction: Casey in a walk.
And it Burns, Burns, Burns (Montana)
Incumbent Republican Senator Conrad "I'm corrupt and I'm an idiot" Burns squares off against Jon "My last name ends in an R, not an S. Grow up" Tester in a very exciting race pitting a farmer (Tester) against a mental retard (Burns). Fun facts: Tester is family friends with Pearl Jam guitarist Jeff Ament, and responding to this question, "Conrad, how can you live back there with all those niggers?" Burns once said, it was "a hell of a challenge". Seriously.
Prediction: Tester by 4.
Take me to another place, Take me to another land (Tennessee)
Race baiting, incredibly negative ads, and it isn't even Massachusetts! Republican Bob "My daughter makes out with girls on Facebook" Corker and Democrat Harold "Hey, what are you doing later" Ford are going at it, and it has gotten very dirty. The RNC ran an ad bringing up Ford's tendency to date white women (apparently still a no-no in Tennessee), and has attacked Ford's politically corrupt family. It's all very weird because Ford really isn't black, but, whatever.
Prediction: Corker by 5.
What else can you show me (Missouri)
Stem cells and Marty McFly, oh my! Republican incumbent Jim "No" Talent is facing Claire "I'm much more attractive in my campaign literature" McCaskill. Talent beat the late Mel Carnahan's widow Jean Carnahan in 2002, so I hope he gets destroyed. Also, Jim Caviezel spoke Aramaic in a friendly campaign ad for a Republican ballot measure, so I'm pretty sure God is probably pissed off about that.
Prediction: McCaskill by two.
Got to get down to it, soldiers are cutting us down (Ohio)
Incumbent Mike "No clever nickname" Dewine is facing Sherrod "I know, my name sounds black" Brown. This has become incredibly uninteresting because Brown seems to be running away with it in a state where Republicans are incredibly unpopular and yet John Kerry still managed to tank. But that's another story.
Prediction: Brown by a bunch.
Shadows even the silver spoon (Rhode Island)
Incumbent "Lancelot" Lincoln Chafee is going up against Sheldon "Ironic last name" Whitehouse.
I have no interest in this race.
Prediction: Whitehouse by 7.
A wheel in the ditch, And a wheel on the track (Virginia)
My favorite race of the cycle by far, featuring a genuine villain, George "Johnny Reb/Macaca/How dare you accuse me of being Jewish" Allen and a genuinely bad public speaker, Jim "I may not respect women" Webb. The issues do not matter in this race anymore; it's all about who's a racist and who demeans women and whose mom was afraid to tell her son that she was Jewish and who speaks exclusively in football metaphors and who chews tobacco and who wrote dirty books and who uses the confederate flag as fashion statement and who is dumb as a bag of rocks. Politics. It's FANNNNNNtastic.
Prediction: Allen by 4.
So, the Dems hold their seats, even with a tight one featuring Bob "I know a guy who knows a guy" Menendez and Tom "My daddy was Governor" Kean in New Jersey, and pick up 5 out of 6 Republican seats, leaving Harry Reid as Minority Leader and some Republican presidential contender in the running for (barely) majority leader. It's just like early 2002 all over again, except the Dems will have the House, and Tom Daschle won't be involved, and George Bush won't be popular.
posted by quint at 1:50 PM
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