Monday, December 12, 2005

Rich men want to be king (Part 2)

The Republicans (Cobra Kai)

10. Mitt Romney. Positives: Hero of the 2002 Olympics. Handsome. Son's name is Tagg. Negatives: No foreign policy experience. Inconsistent on many policy issues. Same hair as Paulie Walnuts.

9. George Allen. Positives: Popular Senator and Former Governor. Favorite of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Speaks exclusively in football metaphors. Negatives: Fairly unknown. Not too bright. Used to hang a noose on a tree branch in his office. Tries to buy goods and services with confederate money.

8. Sam Brownback. Positives: Very popular with Christian Conservatives. Cool last name.
Negatives: Very unknown. So unknown that I don't even have a joke here.

7. Bill Frist. Positives: Prominent position as Majority leader. Career as Surgeon. Believes that he is God. Negatives: Suffered some high profile political defeats in the Senate. Has had some trouble with the ASPCA. Is evil.

6. Newt Gingrich. Ha! Positives: High name recognition. Republican hero after 1994. Enormous head. Negatives: Left the House after bitter defeat in 1998. Cheated on at least two of his wives. This isn't 1995.

5. Rudy Giuliani. Positives: National Hero. High name recognition. Speaks with a lisp.
Negatives: Association with Bernie Kerik. High profile divorce. High unpopularity among pornographers and squeegee guys. Not a good mayor.

4. Chuck Hagel. Positives: War Hero. Maverick Streak. Excellent name. Negatives: Not well known. Feud with Bush administration. May have cheated his way into office.

3. Mike Huckabee. Positives: Former Baptist appeals to Christians. Very popular Governor. I heart him and his entire family. Negatives: Lost over 100 pounds and is really preachy about it. Lived in a trailer while Governor.

2. George Pataki. Positives: Three term Governor of New York. Nationally known. Would be tallest President. Negatives: Terribly unpopular. May not actually have a pulse.

1. John McCain. Positives: Very popular nationally. War hero. Appeared in Wedding Crashers.
Negatives: Is actually very conservative. Victory would prove all the douchebag pundits right.


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