Monday, December 12, 2005

Rich men want to be king

Every poli-nerd in America has already thought about who is going to run for President in 2008, and most started before John Kerry gesticulated his way into the proverbial (and Brahmin) sunset. But, CSPAN has been running these Road to the White House episodes non stop late at night for the past several months, and despite my best attempts, I too have been sucked into the vortex of outward speculation about who will try to succeed President Bush. And what an enviable task that will be. Here they are, in no particular order.

The Democrats (The "Good" Guys)

10. Tom Vilsack. Positives: Good life story. Has done some good things in Iowa. Like Bill Clinton, has a wife who doesn't know when to shut up. Come to think of it, Christie Vilsack for President, 2024! Negatives: Slightly boring. Campaign operatives forced to put the word "Sack" on yard sign.

9. John Kerry. Positives: Experience of national campaign. Resemblance to founding fathers. Funded by big ketchup. Negatives: Emminently unlikable.

8. John Edwards. Positives: Hair. Ebullience. Good message. Can communicate with the dead. Negatives: The constitution mandates that the President must be at least 35 years old. 4 years wandering around college campuses looking for campaign volunteers is not exactly beefing up foreign policy experience.

7. Russ Feingold. Next.

6. Mark Warner. Positives: Success in Red State Virginia. Solid business experience. Enormous teeth. Negatives: Four years as Governor only elected experience. Kind of creepy.

5. Bill Richardson. Positives: Great foreign policy experience. Latino with an Anglo name. Hasn't lost nuclear secrets in at least three years. Negatives: Lied about professional baseball history. Would be fattest President since Taft. Likes to drive 100 miles per hour.

4. General Wesley Clark (Ret.) Positives: Military experience. Telegenic. Outkast fan. Negatives: Gaffe prone first campaign. Disliked by much of the military establishment. Does not blink.

3. Evan Bayh. Positives: Governor and Senator of very red state Indiana. Piercing eyes. Dad's name is Birch. Negatives: Seen as too moderate. Possibly an android.

2. Joe Biden. Positives: Seen as foreign policy expert. Teeth are whiter than John Stockton. Negatives: Plagiarized during first presidential campaign in 1988. 33 year long Senate record. Hair made out of paper mache.

1. Hillary Clinton. Positives: Very high name recognition. Great relationship with democratic base. Dick Morris would die if she were elected. Negatives: Republican base hates her. Inconsistent on Iraq. Is able to rotate head on axis and projectile vomit.

Coming soon: The Republicans (Cobra Kai)


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