You're killing my buzz, bro

So, Quint fell into my evil trap of entrusting the most important blog in the world to me...mooohooohahahahaha. I think I'll follow Bush's lead with the budget surplus his predecessor entrusted him and just blow it all to hell.

Before I head off on my grand weekend adventure to...drumroll, please...CAMPTON, NEW HAMPSHIRE!...I figured I should say a quick "hi" to Quint's loyal following. Over the weekend I will likely be too stoned to type.

Let's see, it says here on the To Do list that Quint left me that Friday is traditionally reserved for the news roundup, so I will do my best:

1) Iraq: Still plugging away at our collective bum.

2) Torture: Good news! It's OK again. Boy, am I glad those brave few Republican Senators stood up and forced the administration to compromise--we almost started torturing people again last week. That would've been too soon. Run and grab those jumper cables from the trash before they haul 'em away.

3) School shootings: Back again. They're the bell bottoms of crimes.

4) George Allen: Still racist! Currently hating: black people.

5) Pedro Martinez: currently causing 1.2 million heart attacks in the NY metro area, at least one in Boston, and one in Scotland. My left arm feels tingly. Please, you crazy little gheri-curled nutjob, HEAL. At least we in Boston can take solace in the prospect of a fall in which nobody's yelling about the damn Sox. Perhaps I'll get some fucking sleep.

And now, to the original reason for this post...I was in the CambridgeSide Galleria mall last night, because I wanted to exchange my new Razr cellphone for a phone that will actually last me beyond the 15-day return period. And because I wanted to practice diving out of the way of bullets. As I approached the mall, I saw and heard the fire alarm going off in the office of Represenative Michael A. Capuano (motto: "Hi!"). As you might expect of a Congressman from metro Boston, his office is located beneath a Dunkin' Donuts. No, I'm sorry. Beneath the Galleria. Anyway, I proceeded into the mall.

Whereupon I was assaulted by the sound of fire alarms. Turns out alarms in the entire mall were going off. AND PEOPLE WERE STILL SHOPPING. CASUALLY, DARE I SAY. PRACTICALLY SAUNTERING THROUGH THE AISLES. Now, being your intrepid man on the scene, I could hardly leave. I needed to report on what was going on for you loyal readers. But these idiots? Risking death by immolation so they could buy knockoff perfume from that guy at the kiosk? (Side note: I HATE that fucking kiosk. It smells like kiddie porn.) These people were sheep.

And then it hit me that perhaps George W. Bush was onto something. Pry open your long-term memories to a little-recalled date: September 11, 2001. We've practically forgotten about it by now, but a slight mishap befell us on that day. Thankfully, amidst the death, chaos, destruction, tears, fear, and uncertainty, we took comfort in the arms of a president with a message. And that message was, "Shop. We will take care of everything. In fact, grab me some pork rinds while you're at the supermarket. I'm running low."

Many Americans took umbrage at the fact that in such a time of national crisis, when the nation yearned to act. Slightly fewer Americans actually understood the term umbrage. I digress. "We want to help!" we said. "Tell us where to go, where to sign up, where to donate blood, food, clothing. Tell us what to sacrifice."

"Shop," he said. And we were revolted.

But what if he was on to something? I witnessed it myself. Nobody wanted that fucking fire alarm to get in the way of their search for stuff. Is this a result of the fact that in the past 5 years we've been conditioned to keep the engines of commerce churning in the face of mortal peril? I'd like to think so, because that means we can blame yet something else on The Idiot in the Ten Gallon Hat Emblazoned with the Presidential Seal. But what if he was instead a keen observer of human behavior, playing to our deeply held instinct to keep doing the one thing we all can do: spend money? That, in my mind, is the scarier prospect. What if we really ARE all just wandering about, waiting for someone in a helmet to turn that damn buzzer off so we can compare prices? "Could you keep the shooting down? I can't concentrate."

Just a thought. More importantly, I got a new cell phone. An LG, like my last one. It's pretty and I can download music.

Want to front? Who got your back

I know I said I was on vacation, but before I left work today, I noticed this headline on CNN, advertising a weekend special on Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld:


Seriously? Upcoming CNN specials include:
- Who is George Bush? CNN investigates his headstrong attitude and musky manscent
- Who is Dick Cheney? Today CNN discusses his large penis and confident visage.
- Who is Condoleeza Rice? Wolf Blitzer performs oral sex on her.

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row

That's right folks, I'm heading to the other side of the Atlantic for a few weeks to do equal parts work and equal parts Guiness consumption. We'll see how it all shakes out, but my guess is there will be some hangovers involved. In the meantime, the aforementioned PK, AKA Terratiburon and also my cocreator of the 2010 sex comedy, Hey, who approved this budget? starring Dane Cook and that Indian guy from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, will write in my place. Treat him well, and keep reading even though you'll all feel empty inside without my daily musings.

In the mean time, I've been going over what I know about Great Britain. Here's what I've come up with:

Meet the new boss, similar to the old boss

At the end of this week, I'll passing the reins over to PK, better known as Terratiburon, and he'll be doing some guest blogging until I return. If I have some time, I might drop in the occasional post, but for me this should be a nice break from the pressure of entertaining all 12 of my readers. PK is a professional comedian, as opposed to me, a bad comedian. He is also a member of the exclusive club, Couch owners of the Eastern Seaboard who have housed Dave, and hopefully he is the last member of that group.

So make sure to tune in for equally as funny if not significantly more funny content, except it will be slightly more disgusting!

A Very Special Wednesday News Roundup

- Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf made a shocking (wait, shocking? No. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh, obvious) argument that America's involvement in Iraq is actually increasing terror threats globally. President Bush then questioned the patriotism of Musharraf and appeared in an RNC advertisement and urged the citizens of Ohio not to vote for Musharraf forUS Senate, saying, "Is he even American?

- Meanwhile, apparently world leaders who are supposed to be our strongest allies in the war on terror aren't the only ones who are questioning American involvement in Iraq. Hooray! Recent declassified intelligence reports also have stated that Iraq has actually increased the number of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. Wait, how could that be? I thought we were fighting them over there so we wouldn't have to fight them over here? Now I'm confused, who are we fighting? Forget it, I'm gonna watch CSI.

- From the "So that's why he hates Jay Mariotti" department:

No homo?

- And in typical Boston fashion, the T instituted a new plan to encourage courtesy of train travelers. For example, if instead of kicking an old woman in the face, you give up your seat, you receive a $2 voucher for coffee. Predictably, the reactions in the Globe today from T riders were excellent. Here's a sampling:

- "To be quite honest...I would rather they put the money towards increasing efficiencies on the T."

- "Honestly? I don't drink coffee."

- "...it's only a distraction from the lack of consistent, quality service."

Here's to you, manager of the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Daniel A. Grabauskas, for somehow managing to piss off Boston commuters while giving them free stuff!

Away from these demagogues

For those who don't follow independent gubernatorial campaigns across the country, Kinky Friedman, of Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys fame, is running for Governor of Texas. If that isn't hilarious enough, he recently appeared at a campaign event with Jesse "The Body" Ventura, star of Predator and former Governor of Minnesota. And I need a minute.

Anyway, there's not much to write about either of these guys that hasn't already been written, but the accompanying photograph from the joint appearance asks a serious question for me, personally:

What look is Ventura (on the right) going for here?

a) White supremacist
b) Los Angeles Clipper Center and former Central Michigan star Chris Kaman
c) 80's action staple/henchman Al Leong
d) Retired Governor and elder statesman of Minnesota

No war games on Rosh Hashanah

I spent a lot of this weekend with my family, in town visiting my aunt for Rosh Hashanah (for those non-Jews out there, phonetically that's pronounced Jew-Jew-Jewie-Jew-shanah). Traditionally, those observing Rosh Hashanah are supposed to refrain from all forms of work, including driving, watching television, making large budget Hollywood movies, and controlling all of the world's money. This year Rosh Hashanah fell on the weekend, so luckily the world financial markets weren't crippled.

At any rate, like most reformed Jews, my family also has certain rules which they follow when it comes to the High Holidays and certain rules which they don't follow. For example, my aunt always takes off of work, refuses to drive in her car anywhere (including temple), but watches all of her soap operas. My father follows a similar path; he sleeps through the morning and makes sure to catch the daily dose of the Drew Carrey show. So pretty much our standard is: Things you don't want to do? No, it's Rosh Hashanah. Television? Check.

As were were walking back from the running water where you are supposed to cast away your sins for the year (I suggested the bath tub), my cousin asked my aunt if he could play "Lego Star Wars", a computer video game. She quickly responded, "No, I told you, no war games on Rosh Hashanah. You'll have to find another game to play." So I chuckled internally to this, because I've learned not to start that kind of conversation with my family, but I found it to hilarious.

I very much enjoy the way people justify their behavior, to God, themselves, their families, and their contemporaries. Through periods of childhood, my father kept a kosher house but would eat McDonald's Sausage McMuffins for breakfast out of the house. My grandmother would keep the same level of kosher but would simply put newspaper down on the kitchen table when we would bring chinese food or pizza in. A friend from college who wouldn't do anything on the Shabbos would passive aggressively ask us to turn off the light or change the television station. During my only trip to Israel, I came across my my first Shabbos elevator, an elevator that stops on every floor so that observant Jews don't have to actually violate the laws of the Shabbos (the "it's going up to that floor anyway" routine.)

Life and compromise are all about convenience, I suppose. My dad wanted to be pious and traditional, but up until recently he couldn't give up his pork products. My grandmother kept a kosher household her whole life, but if you've got 8 people over and don't feel like cooking, pizza seems like the way to go. My aunt wants her boys to obey and respect the law (at least the spirit) of the Shabbos and the High Holy days, but realizes that she has to compromise, at least a bit, to be able to control them. And so is born the "No war games on Rosh Hashanah" corollary.

Jews are not the only culprits, certainly. Religions where all you have to do absolve yourself of sin is repent seem like a recipe for excess and debauchery. Making exceptions, on lent, etc... always seemed the funniest to me -- "Ok, I won't have any meat on for a month... but I'll have extra meat on Thursdays, get wasted on Saturdays, gamble on Mondays, and have sex on Tuesdays." Amen.

As time has gone on, religion has, predictably and fortunately, shifted further away from the groupthink mindset and more towards the individuals. So people follow somewhat random morsels of tradition and dogma, casting aside those traditions that are just too burdensome or unpleasant. In theory, that's nearly ideal; humans have evolved in every area of life, why shouldn't religion, which in many ways owes a lot of its early tenets to vestigial conceptions, not change along with everything else? The fear, of course, is that religion is not supposed to be easy or convenient. A just life, religious or not religious, is not about doing what's simple and avoiding what puts you out. It's largely the exact opposite, so as people slide away from the old guard rules, will religion remain and will compromise of the "less important" guidelines lead to compromise of the important ones?

As a side note: This Rosh Hashanah I went for a run, watched television, saw a movie, went to a restaurant, drove a car, took three trains, had wine and beer, bought a jacket and shoes at REI, and finished off the weekend watching football. J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets!

Friday News Roundup

Some quick hits today, because I'm struggling...

- Hugo Chavez speaks at UN, quotes Chomsky, whom he falsely believes is dead, conservatives spontaneously combust, Chomsky booksales rise, hilarity ensues.

- Steve Carell in Little Miss Sunshine (Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) speaks at UN, claims no weapons program, flashes million dollar smile, hilarity ensues.

- Spinach = bad.

- CNN's Nancy Grace enjoys sex.

Rearrange their faces, and give them all another name

We have an all staff conference this week, so the next three days will be filled with lectures on how to maintain databases and other mind numbing skills. I'll be back on Friday, hopefully to talk about the showdown between slightly less than evil and evil, President Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!

And then return

UPDATE: Words are capitalized, bad spinach funny again.

Seems to me, that you'll take B

While watching Meet the Press yesterday morning, Virginia Democratic Senate candidate and former misogynist James Webb went after incumbent Republican Senator and still racist George Allen, attacking him for being one of a supermajority of Republican leaders and warhawks who never served honorably in uniform. In fact, with the exception of Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, who served in peacetime in the mid 50's, and President Bush, who... Haha, that's right, he got drunk and went AWOL.

So it's a similar charge of chickenhawkacy, but to me, it still rings true. Certainly, military service does not automatically mean that one should be elected to high government office, but when you are continuously and blindly drumming up support for a failed war, woudn't it be better if you had actually served? And in George Allen's case, for some reason he thinks that mentioning that he spent a lot of time around football players means that he knows combat. A real man's man.

The chicken hawk strategy has pretty much failed all through history; McGovern and Nixon were both veterans but McGovern was a famed heroic pilot; Clinton "dodged" the draft and Bush 1 was shot down over the ocean, Gore and Kerry both volunteered for service in Vietnam and Bush 2, well, we know what happened to him... In all those cases, the veteran lost and non combatant won. Why do the Democrats still think this strategy will work?

I have had enough, what else can you show me?

Straight from the "We're trying to scare the shit out you" files, which I believe is the name of the newest Bush cabinet department, comes this hilarious headling and accompanying picture from CNN this morning:

The details don't matter. I guess the old credo is true: If you can't scare 'em with terrorism, scare 'em with green vegetables.

I'm too tired and this makes me laugh too much to exert any more effort on this space this week. See you all next week, when I will be sure to be funnier or dead from a tragic spinach accident.

UPDATE: CNN finds actual picture of bagged spinach as opposed to wild, freerange spinach. National association of farmers market spinach sellers rejoice.

UPDATE UPDATE: Fresh from the "I prefer syrup" department, CNN gets a little colloquial (courtesy of Wonkette)

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: New England based supermarket chain springs into action, Popeye in mourning

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE: Bad spinach slightly less funny; 90 people fall ill of E. coli. Jolly Green Giant taken into protective custody.

What's it going to be - - Fight or run?

A conversation yesterday with a conservative colleague about the different viewpoints on the War on Terror proved incredibly insightful to me. We were talking about the Republican's continued attempt to paint the Democrats as appeasers; unwilling to engage our enemies abroad where they are. I found that argument incredibly fallacious; I said that no one opposes fighting Al Queda and the other terrorists who are after us. And that is false. What I should have said is that no mainstream (read: pragmatic or sane) people oppose fighting Al Queda. In the weeks and months following September 11, we saw the flat out lunacy of those on the fringe who believed that some sort of accord could be signed with Osama Bin Laden.

Clearly and thankfully, those people are and were in the superminority. The mainstream Democrats and probably 99% of the caucus (with the possible exception of Dennis Kucinich and Barbara Lee) fully support a vigorous engagement of the War on Terror, whatever the hell that means. Despite all the rumblings by Ken Mehlman and Dick Cheney, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry and Ted Kennedy do not want Al Queda setting off nuclear weapons in downtown New York. But as the Democrats have had a really hard time pointing out since day one of the political rancor that predictably followed September 11, there are different paths to the ultimate goal of destroying Al Queda and stabilizing. And, also quite predictably, the Republicans have laid out their strategy, while the Democrats have simply thumbed their noses. Basically, and this is lifted from esteemed Daily Show correspondent and human tsunami Lewis Black, the Republicans are the party of bad ideas and the Democrats are the party of no ideas.

The lack of a Democratic "plan", (this whole idea makes me laugh) has allowed the Republicans to completely frame the debate in their terms. Since they have control of Congress, the White House, and have attack dogs throughout the radio and television media, the Republicans have continuously done a fantastic job at laying out their strategy, which I've gathered is invading every Middle Eastern country beginning with a vowel (with the exception of Israel), and since the Democrats have no strategy with the exception of "bringing our allies to the table" (bullshit), the Democrats can easily be portrayed as opposing the War on Terror, because they offer no viable or clear alternatives to the whole "invading every Middle Eastern country beginning with a vowel (with the exception of Israel)" plan.

President Bush's speech on 9/11 predictably wrapped Iraq into the commemoration and celebration of the dead. Hemmorhaging in the polls and an election nearing, he has no choice but to once again try to reattach Iraq to the War on Terror. The American public hasn't bought that connection in a while, but a solemn occasion that reminds America of fear and danger seems like the perfect time to say the word terror a number of times and also remind Americans that we're fighting in Iraq, and if we leave they'll follow us. Home, I suppose?

The sad fact is that the President is right. He said, "The safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle in the streets of Baghdad". And he is right. Now. Because we went into Iraq and drew Al Queda to us, because we overextended our troops, because we didn't send enough troops, because we fractured a country into religious strife, we have created a disaster in Iraq. Worse than it was when Saddam was in power, except now full of Al Queda operatives and new recruits. We made Iraq the central front of the War on Terror not because Al Queda was there, but because we are there.

But like Colin Powell said before the invasion, if we break it, we buy it. Not only have we destroyed Iraq and created a civil war there, but we have leveraged all of our hegemony and power in the battle with the insurgency and with Al Queda. We can't leave; not only because it would become a full fledged Civil War, but because Al Queda would win. And that's not simply a pride issue -- giving them such a handout would encourage more violence and more attacks. They want to kill all Americans, and frighten us, and change our foreign policy, and rule the Middle East. We cannot allow any of those things to happen. These are not people that will be satisfied with concessions here and there; this is not a merger and acquisition. They are committed to our destruction, no matter what the costs and no matter what the circumstance. Whether it's Al Queda or another radical fundamentalist Islamic group.

This is why the idea of troop drawdown, while politically wonderful these days, is a bad one. President Bush is continuously asked, "How do you define victory in Iraq?" And he usually answers that when Iraq can defend herself, we will leave. But that's not true. There is no such thing as victory in Iraq. We will probably have soldiers there years after Bin Laden has died of Kidney failure in Pakistan. Bush's decision to invade Iraq without proper planning and execution has placed the United States in a completely untenable position with no possible escape. If we stay, our soldiers will continue to die at the hands of insurgents fighting each other and Al Queda fighting us. If we leave, Iraq falls into a civil war and Al Queda believes they can defeat us.

So now it's not just the wacky lefties arguing for troop withdrawal, its people like Clinton, Edwards, Kerry, and on the Republican side people like Hagel. They not only don't want to see more American troops die, but they see a political upside to pushing for the soldiers' return. As well they should; the majority of the American public now disapprove of the war. But the President is right, possibly for the first time since he started the invasion of Afghanistan. He even tipped his cap in that direction on Monday night when he said that regardless of the mistakes made before and during the war in Iraq, the biggest mistake would be withdrawal.

Radical fundamental Islam, with Al Queda at the forefront, will never concede in battle. They will never look for a peace treaty, they will never sign papers on the deck of a battleship or a French palace. They will never surrender with honor and work alongside Americas rebuilding their countries. The comparisons with Nazism is so historically inaccurate in so many ways, but possibly most notably in the way that there are no non true believers. Al Queda and its offshoots and collaborators aren't German or Japanese soldiers drafted into an army to defend their homeland. Their not confused as to whom they're fighting. They are forever commmitted destroying America.

When you asked how I was doing, was that some kind of joke?

I'm going to be taking a few days as I deal with some final move related issues and the sad state of my fantasy football team. As I mentioned previously, my creativity has been less than stellar of late, so it's probably for the best. Moreover, today is not my favorite day of the year.

I'll be back when I have something interesting and funny to say.

Tired of yourself, and all of your creations

So, I have been feeling a bit pressured of late to write good material on this space. Not really sure why this has come on all of a sudden; I could probably count my readers on my fingers. Nonetheless, with work especially busy recently and with me working on some other writing projects, I feel like I have gotten a bit lazy with my writing here -- going for the easy joke and inserting dumb images in order to avoid coming up with good content.

I'm not certain why. Usually writing on this space has come from some sort of inspiration, whether it be a news story, something that happened to me recently, or a social pattern that I had just noticed or wanted to expand on. Maybe I've been a bit numb of late and unable to really notice anything interesting. Whatever the rational, here's a dumb image in order to avoid coming up with good content:

A Flashback

President Bush yesterday admitted that there were indeed international secret prisons used to detain terrorist suspects after 9/11. As every 24 viewer can tell you: No shit. Once again, I am neither surprised or particularly disappointed, as we've got to use all the tools we can. As a bonus, the news also resurfaces this picture of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, alleged 9/11 mastermind:

Pretty much any event that means I get to see that picture again is a good one.

I knew he'd lost control

So over dinner last night with PK (now only known by his initials), my future writing partner and co-creator of the 2011 sitcom "I Can't Believe ABC Greenlighted This", the discussion turned to the male female dynamic in relationships, which is ironic because the two of us pretending like we understand women is equally as believable as the movie Face/Off.

At any rate, the two of us came to the rather obvious conclusion that in probably 75% to 100% of relationships, up until their ultimate demise, the woman has the control. She decides when the dating starts and she decides when the sex happens. And really, for a man, is there anything more important than that or even important at all compared to that? It's possible that after sex the pendulum swings into the man's favor, or at least into the neutral zone, but really, at that point who cares?

My weariness amazes me

A four day mini vacation in Cape Cod was exactly the right way to end the summer, despite the rainy and windy days on Saturday and Sunday. Highlights included grabbing an interception and snaring a long touchdown pass on the beach. Lowlights include throwing two interceptions, dropping a touchdown that would have ultimately tied the game, and then playing wiffle ball home run derby with two kids and missing my first three swings, prompting the seven year old brat to say, "This is embarrassing." Three pitches later, I nearly took his head off with a well struck ball. All in all, a great weekend.

My friends are the most important thing in my life, as I have mentioned previously in this space. Sometimes I do a less than stellar job of keeping up with them and being a generally good friend, and these times spent away from life and away from work remind me how really important my friends are. When I think about the person that I want to be, a good friend who makes people laugh is pretty much the ideal.

As a side note, I am exhausted. I still haven't figured out how it is exactly three days of not particularly stressful vacation always tires me out, but I'm sure, like most every other person I encounter, that I'll be lagging for a few days.

At any rate, some quick musings:

- Andre Agassi has fully morphed into Howie Mandel. Think about it: they both broke into the public at a young age with crazy hair, and now they're both bald and really weird.

- Am I the only person who is neither surprised or sympathetic about Steve Irwin's death? Yes, it's very sad for his family even if he did attempt to feed his baby to a crocodile a few years back. But what exactly are you expecting with that kind of ego and bravado? One day, one of the animals that you are constantly fucking with is going to get pissed off and eat you. I'm beyond amazed that he lasted this long.

- At our new apartment, my new roommate, whom I had not yet met, immediately ingratiated himself by buying en enormous HDTV flatscreen television and a futon for one of our many living rooms. There is something so uplifting about how much football and a big tv can bond people who have never spoken before.

- I received an email from a work contact about a meeting we're trying to schedule. He wrote a very detailed response about his availability, and then ended it by saying: "I would very much like to get with you."

- Hopefully, my sense of humor will return shortly, but in the meantime: Let's get ready for some football!