Instant.... well, actually, no.. delayed, that's right, delayed, karma's gonna get you...

President Bush got shit on by a bird yesterday. Hooray!

After trying unsuccessfully to remove the shit from his sleeve, he conferred with Dick Cheney and then kicked over an ant hill, killing the queen and leaving the colony in a bloody civil war.

I'm away for the weekend, and then away the next weekend, and the next weekend, and I'm learning the guitar and I haven't written anything funny in 3 months, so I'll see you when I see you!

Friday News Roundup

It's been a long time coming....

- Noted underage salad tosser R. Kelly gave an interview that was made public this week where he compared himself to the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, saying, "Dr. King was a civil rights leader who led our people through a decade of despair. I pissed all over a 14 year old girl and videotaped it. I think the similarities speak for themselves."



- Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco were seen out on the town together this week. Their budding romance is seen by some as a covert ploy to get a tv show, while Fisher called it a "blatant ploy to get a tv show."

- Paul Wolfowitz has agreed to resign from the World Bank in June, bringing the end to yet another Bush administration scandal. This one is especially unpleasant because it involves Paul Wolfowitz and sex, which is simply to horrible to discuss any further so I will change the subject.

- The White House and the Senate, led by Ted Kennedy, have reached a tentative agreement on immigration bill. Conservatives decry the bill for being too much like amnesty, liberals decry the bill for not helping unskilled workers, and President Bush decries it "for being, like, 500 pages long. Seriously." In other news, Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo committed suicide.

Rest in peace?

Jerry Falwell is one of the most despicable human beings to grace this country over the past century, right up there with Klan leaders and the Reverend Fred Phelps. He died today. Am I supposed to feel bad at all bad about this?

When Richard Nixon died, I was 14, and I remember watching Larry King and thinking about all the pleasant calls Larry was receiving praising Nixon, even from the former President's enemies. I even considered calling in and saying that how ever much I disagreed with (and loathed) Nixon, I still felt bad about his death. Man, was I naive!

There are good and bad people in the world. When one of the bad people die, we are not supposed to rejoice, but we are not supposed to celebrate their lives either. Falwell was disgusting. Wholly. He had absolutely no redeeming qualities. His righteousness was just a cloak for power, his preaching and moralism just an excuse for his prejudice. He believed in the inferiority of blacks and gays, in the evil of feminists, in the justice of Apartheid. He blamed 911 on homosexuality and abortion. He was terrible.

So, today, while Mitt Romney and John McCain kiss the ring of the now deceased Jerry Falwell, and the rest of the Republican candidates try to mention him as many times as they can during the debate tonight, the rest of us can take solace that while a man has died, the world has one less voice for intolerance, racism, and evil. So, no celebrations. But no false tears and carefully worded eulogies. The world has lost one of its worst.

Brothers in arms

In the annals of stupid judicial decisions, this one by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court
ranks up there with OJ. In their infinite wisdom, the court decided that a man who slept with his brother's girlfriend, while she believed that she was actually having sex with her boyfriend, was not committing an act of a rape. Addressing the defendant, Chief Justice Borat Sagdiyev said: "Very nice... High Five".

The court argued that Massachusetts law defines rape as sexual intercourse by force, while Sleazy McSexfiend was merely committing sexual intercourse by fraud. Many other states have gone the route of including fraud in a rape statute, which would immediately result in thousands of men who live in their parents' basements to be charged with rape. Personally, I'd estimate that 99% of all acts of sexual intercourse involve some level of fraud, at least 99% of all sex acts in which I've ever participated...

I suppose I can understand the courts' argument -- the law clearly defines rape as by force and applying this case might open the door for an enormous expansion of the law. Could a woman who was lied to by a boyfriend claim rape because he pretended he was richer than he was or that he had a better job than he did or that he had less children than he did?

However, my problem with strict interpretations of the law, specifically in a case like this, is that it closes the door on something as egregious as what happened. The defendant claimed the sex was consensual and that he didn't impersonate his brother, but the court didn't rule whether or not that was true or false; they simply said that didn't matter. Because the law is very specific in how it defines rape, this womans' case falls through the cracks.

Although it does beg the question: How in hell did she not tell the difference???? They had sex for 10 minutes!

Too lazy to come up with clever title

My friend and former lover McGriff asked me to write a post about the New Jersey Nets' chances to make it out of the Eastern Conference today, a story which I was excited to write until I got completely bored and unmotivated with it. So instead I decided to write about some of the interesting happenings of the week.

- Queen Elizabeth Approximately


RECAP: Queen visits US, Bush insults her by insinuating that she is 280 years old, and first visited the US in 1776. She clarifies by saying her "first trip to colonies was for that poor chap Lincoln's funeral."

- A Jihad of Bushian incompetence



RECAP: We have now seen the equivalent of what would happen if the Bush administration tried to take up international terror, as six numbskulls in New Jersey decided they were going to attack an army base and kill some soldiers. At least put a little thought into it, guys! The best part? They were captured, when, and I can't believe I am writing this, they took a video of them practicing for the raid and brought it to a store to have it transferred to DVD. Wow. Just wow.


- My b-b-b-birthday

RECAP: I turned 27 yesterday, my most inconsequential birthday since 21. I feel literally nothing about the occasion with the exception of fat because of all the cake I have had over the past 4 days. Am I simply on a collision course with 30 that will render all interim birthdays irrelevant? Is there a way to skip 30 and go right to a mid-life crisis, a nice car, and banging 26 year old girls? How about skip right to retirement, a couple million in an IRA and a house by the lake? What's with all this filler in between?

What's in your head? In your head? Zombie, Zombie, Zombie?

The re-animated corpse of Ronald Reagan was happy last night as 10 guys who really hate abortion (and Rudy Giuliani) debated about Iraq, taxes, who was most like Reagan, and who wanted to kill Osama Bin Laden the most. And the winner was: Chris Matthews, who looked like he was ready to put another podium on stage and get up there. As a side note, how big is the Reagan Library? There was a life size Air Force One replica in there.

Last nights' goals, by candidate:

1) Giuliani: Convince people he believes in the sanctity of fetuses, black denizens of US cities.
2) Thompson: Confuse voters into pressing wrong lever while trying to vote for Law & Order Guy.
3) McCain: Don't die of old age during debate.
4) Paul: Answer three to four questions.
5) Brownback: Persuade Republican primary voters that he is not in actuality a Native American.
6) Hunter: Make sure people don't think he's Duke Cunningham.
7) Huckabee: Don't tell anyone he is also from Hope, Arkansas and that his wife is also the devil incarnate
8) Romney: Don't reveal he actually lives in house with three families, owns Hardware store franchise.
9) Gilmore: Remind people he was once slightly involved in politics.
10) Tancredo: Trick anti-immigrant supporters into thinking Tancredo not Italian name

I think I'll start a new life

It's headlines like these that make me not want to read the article. I know I've been copping out on the whole "I'll blog more" pledage with these fluffly cut and paste jobs, but this is great. From laziness is born moderately funny comedy.

I also love the juxtaposition of the stripper article next to "Mom's worth how much" headline. It's all very good.