An open letter to the guy who clipped all of his fingernails and left them on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom of my office building

Dear guy who clipped all of his fingernails and left them on the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom of my office building:

Seriously?

And the overlord ascends...

I'm lazy today, so I'll just let the news parody write itself...

That's write, President Bush is getting his ass played like a hand puppet, and unlike the last 6 years of ass puppetry, this time Cheney is only slightly involved. And by slightly involved I mean don't be surprised if President Bush dies and the clone army rises.

Cried til the morning

Mike Vick was indicted on the dog-fighting rap this week, along with three other despicable human beings. I'm sure the NFL, the Falcons, and Vick are kind of shellshocked over the whole thing, and the horrible details that have been coming out about what exactly Vick's role was in the dog-fighting as well as the absolutely disgusting things that happened at his compound.

To recap: Mike Vick may have just entered a realm that no pro-athlete has ever entered. He may be the most reviled current professional sports player ever, with the possible exception of Rae Carruth, who instead of killing dogs actually killed a human being. But it's possible that the legal process will move slowly and the football season will start before the trial does. If that happens, does Vick play? How can the Falcons, or the NFL, let that happen? Not only did this guy run a dog fighting ring, but he allegedly personally tortured and murdered dogs.

How do we let this guy back into society, let alone the NFL? How can NFL fans still watch his games with any excitement? How can Falcons' fans allow the ownership to keep him on the team? Who would sign him? How can he ever show his face again?

Friday News Roundup

- The Bush administration proved that, even though they are incompetent at everything else, they can still fear monger with the best of them, letting news leak this week that Al Queda is gaining steam and that they're focusing on attacking the US. Wow, great job guys. DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff said he had a "gut feeling" that US will be move vulnerable this summer. President Bush announced he had a "gut feeling" that the new Harry Potter movie will be "really excellent".

Deceased Perdue chicken pitchman Frank Perdue had no comment

- Via CNN's unintentionally hilarious headline generator

We all know that means.... All aboard the sodomy train! Hooray! Way to go Department of Health and Human Services.

- Senator John McCain, well, let's just say he's had a pretty few weeks. Here's a rundown:

- Only has 1 million cash on hand for Presidential race
- Campaign Manager and chief strategist leave campaign
- Senior staff in Iowa leave
- Florida state co-chair Bob Allen arrested for offering to blow undercover cop in bathroom for $20.

The only way it could really get worse for him is if the guy Bob Allen tried to blow was McCain but McCain wanted more money.

How are we dying?

I tend to forget my duty

Hand puppet President Bush caved today to the Republican base whom he's pissing off since, oh, about 2004, by commuting the sentence of noted dick and Former Chief of Staff to Vice President Cheney, I. "Scooter" Libby. Bush argued that the 30 month prison term was too severe, and even mentioned that Libby's family has suffered immensely through this process. Oh, what I would pay to be next to Valerie Plame when she reads that line!

Libby, besides being the only member of the administration whose stupid nickname prevented President Bush from bestowing an even stupider one upon him, was the only member of the Bush team to be indicted for leaking Valerie Plame's name. By commuting the sentence instead of pardoning Libby, Bush essentially admits that he believes Libby committed the crime but does not deserve jail time. Yuk.

Libby immediately declared his intentions to run for the Republican nomination for President in 2008.