The breach

That's right, it happened. The proverbial gloves have off. The Democratic primary race went from confusing, to annoying, to whittled down, to nasty, to cordial, and now to Rovian. First, Hillary Clinton's campaign sends out a photo of Barack Obama dressing up in Kenya, and now, she runs an ad that pretty well straddles the line between offensive, ironic, and stupid.

I'll link to the ad here, but I won't embed it; not out of disgust in it, because I haven't taken the time to learn how to embed videos in blogger. I will break the ad down for you: If you vote for Barack Obama, your children will have trouble sleeping.

Hillary has reached full on desparation mode -- she's relatively sweet to Barack in the debates and then hits him personally, on tv, through the mail, and with this stupid Kenyan smear campaign. Meanwhile Harold Ickes and Mark Penn are in a bulldog/snake sleazeoff, she's bleeding superdelegates, the media has written her off totally again. I love it.

That being said, she has set expectation so low for herself for Tuesday's elections, if she is somehow able to win Texas and Ohio, will she be able to effectively claim momentum? Or rather, ho-mentum? Or would she fall victim to Barack Obama and his bro-mentum?

I apologize for that previous paragraph.

A special Wednesday News Roundup

That's right! The News Roundup is back. Because I don't have enough material for an entire post.

- William F. Buckley died today, which was a shock because I thought he died in 2005. I also thought he was the same person as Christopher Hitchens for a short period. Not only did his death dominate the news cycle today, but it also produced probably the most absurd obituary column I have ever read, located here.

- Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had their 20th debate together last night, where Hillary whined about the media's cooing over Obama and Tim Russert responded by bringing up Louis Farrakhan. Obama denounced him, Clinton said that he should also reject him, Obama said he would do both, and then I turned the channel.

- It appears that Roger Clemens is in a bit of trouble. And by trouble I mean perjury. Congress has asked the Justice Department (which apparently still exists, I had no idea) to investigate whether or not Clemens was telling the truth when he testified in front of the House of Representatives earlier this month. In response, Clemens blamed his wife, Andy Pettite, his agent, Brian McNamee, Henry Waxman, Jose Canseco, his nanny, his doctor, his lawyer, Bud Selig, Moonlight Graham, Mark McGwire, Lyle Alzado, his mother, Janis Joplin, Jane Fonda, Nook Lakoosh, Hank McNamara, Bob Stanley, Calvin Schiraldi, Joe Torre, and Mike Piazza.

The dirty dirty

The Drudge Report highlighted a relatively slow Monday with this image, supposedly provided to him by the Clinton campaign:


When I first saw this photo, I was surprised to learn that Barack Obama had been cast as Hadji in the live action film version of Johnny Quest.

When I discovered my mistake, I then thought: is Barack Obama 12 years old? Seriously, he looks like a national merit scholar finalist.

The Clinton campaign will neither confirm nor deny that the photo, of Barack Obama during a trip to Kenya, was provided by one of their staffers. Other things the Clinton campaign can neither confirm nor deny:

- Barack Obama is an American citizen
- Barack Obama is a Muslim
- Barack Obama is a member of Al Queda
- Barack Obama is a Black Panther

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton pandered and then freaked out:

Can someone tell me what the hell this is?

This is the view from my office. On two days over the past two weeks, this weird bright discoloration has appeared in the Charles River. Any ideas?

Don't say sunlight.

Barackuary

Blogger has been busting my balls over the last couple of days, so hopefully I will be able to update soon or the rest of you readers out there will start reading Wonkette exclusively.

I can barely maintain my giddiness at Barack's success on Tuesday in Wisconsin, where with the exception of Madison, Hillary Clinton should have dominated. And he won by 17 points. I'm nervous, and I wouldn't say cautiously optimistic, but I'm feeling good. Two weeks away from the big day of Ohio and Texas.

Clinton has gone a bit negative, but in sort of a wimpy way -- quasi plagiarism from one of his close political allies? Where are the big guns? Where are the ads morphing Barack Obama into Osama Bin Laden? Where is the full fledged "Obama is a Muslim" whisper campaign? I'm disappeared in Hillary. When did she get a vasectomy?

End of the line

Fidel Castro has stepped aside as the leader of Cuba, presumably to devote his remaining years spending his billions and modeling leisure suits. Let the parade of hilarious stock photos begin!

Via CNN and the New York Times

Castro's departure probably doesn't mean much of anything -- time will tell what kind of leader his brother is but logic would indicate that power usually doesn't give up power unless it is forced to -- that is to say why would the Castro family remove their grip and control over the country unless someone was coming for them. My prediction? Out of confusion, the control of Cuba will wind up in the hands of New York Mets backup catcher Ramon "Fluff" Castro.

My scant level of writing, especially as the primaries have gotten so heated, is due to being away the last two weekends as well as actually having work to do. Before Hillary Clinton arranges for Barack Obama to be deported, I will make sure to redouble my efforts.

Love, North Carolina style

What the hell kind of sentence is this?

I know I've been lazy with the writing of late, but I've got to hand it to FoxNews, who pulled one right out of the New York Post playbook, and used illiteration to boot. Gotta love it!

Life outside the diamond is a wrench

The Rocket was on Capitol Hill today, for some reason, being forced to testify on his alleged steroid use. I, for one, was shocked to see that Clemens knew how to use a writing instrument. Maybe it's a prop.

Clemens denied the allegations made by former teammate and BFF Andy Pettite, who claimed Clemens admitted that he used HGH. Clemens said Pettite "misheard" the alleged confession, but did say "if I did use HGH, here's how I would have used it".

My favorite part of this whole fiasco is how Clemen's wife Debbie has also been accused of using steroids, presumably to increase the size of her ego to compete with Roger's. I'm still a little lost about how this has anything to do with my life, but maybe soon I'll understand.

Clemens also said that this sordid affair has ruined his reputation, which is hilarious if you think about it for more than 5 seconds. Roger tried to kill Mike Piazza three times, he abandoned three teams, and suddenly he's a role model? This seems like one of those "Wow, he really deserved it" kind of things, like finding out that Mitt Romney cheated on his wife. This is so expected. And relished.

This place is a prison?

Via CNN's Unintentionally Hilarious Headline Generator (CNNUHHG)

So, what editor allowed the word "taint" to appear in this article?

In other news, Barack Obama will steamroll Hillary Clinton in DC, Virginia, and Maryland today. Clinton, fresh off firing her campaign manager, looks ahead to the March 4th primaries in Ohio and Texas to plan her next round of race-baiting. Si se Puede!

So long, chief

Roy Scheider, who played Martin Brody in the greatest movie of all time, died yesterday, at age 75. I am now waiting on pins and needles for Richard Dreyfuss to die so somewhere there can be an reenactment of this scene.

Come to think of it, Scheider wasn't really a big part of this scene with the exception of his extremely fashionable turtleneck, so really Dreyfuss should have been the one to die.

As a side note, Roy Scheider also appeared in Listen To Me, a late 80's movie about debate, also starring Kirk Cameron, a movie that was a favorite of a particular nerdly high school debater who may or may not write this blog. So hats off to Roy.

Romney drops out; wants to spend more time pandering to his family

"I'm thinking about taking up quilting..."

Multiple Choice Mittens is dropping out of the race, paving the way for the old man to get the nomination. I will now reflect on what I said about both men in my blockbuster column in December of 2005, "Rich men want to be King":

----

10. Mitt Romney. Positives: Hero of the 2002 Olympics. Handsome. Son's name is Tagg. Negatives: No foreign policy experience. Inconsistent on many policy issues. Same hair as Paulie Walnuts.....

1. John McCain. Positives: Very popular nationally. War hero. Appeared in Wedding Crashers.
Negatives: Is actually very conservative. Victory would prove all the douchebag pundits right.

----

So the McCain nomination works to both prove the douchebag pundits right and prove the douchebag pundits wrong. Personally, I deluded myself into believing that Rudy Giuliani might somehow end up the nominee, which in retrospect was, in a word, fucking ridiculous.

The kid's got alligator blood

Super Duper Mega Monster Tuesday and come and gone, and as usual, my predictions were slightly off. Hillary Clinton had been viewing Super Tuesday as the day she would finally be able to put some distance between her and Barack Obama, but with the avalanche in South Carolina and the endorsements and moves in the polls... Yesterday turned into Barack Obama's day, but the media didn't report it.

Barack won 14 out of 22 states. He won more delegates than Hillary. He beat her in Connecticut (what the hell?). And every news story has McCain gaining more of a lead and Super Tuesday ending up a wash for Clinton and Obama. WHAT? He won more states than she did, got more delegates than she did, and overcame double digit deficits in several of his wins -- are you kidding me? A tie?

Ugh.

That's it. As a media member myself (Ha!), I am outraged.

Even with the media's absurd lack of focus on him, Barack is still sitting pretty. The next contests have large black populations and several are caucuses; he's stronger organizationally and financially than Hillary is, which boggles the mind. Next week, he will win DC, and should win in Maryland. Virginia will be tougher, and a huge test for him.

Meanwhile, Multiple choice Mittens and Chuck Norris are fighting it out to decide who will be the next person to endorse John McCain.

Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart

"Ron Paul? Really?"

I voted this morning, the first time in a long while when I voted and felt genuinely good about it. I voted for Barack Obama, and then asked one of the poll workers for an "I voted" sticker, which my polling location didn't have this year. How can I expect to flaunt my patriotism and civic pride if I don't have a sticker?

It's a busy day -- somewhere between 23 and 256 states are voting in primaries and caucuses for President today. Now, I won't break down every state because even I don't have that kind of time (yes I do), but here are some general thoughts.

Californication
Watch for Mitt to surprise some people and win California. McCain will win in most other places, and pad his lead in delegates, and Romney should stick around for at least the next month on the outside chance that McCain dies of old age.

Some weird polls coming out of California on the Democratic side have Hillary leading by close to ten and Obama leading by close to ten - it's probably closer to somewhere in the middle which is good news for Barack because of the proportional voting, a Hillary victory by a bunch of points won't be the delegate blowout. If he wins in California, well, even though the delegate victory won't be big, it will be a huge hit to Hillary.

Connecticut and Colorado
States that could go either way on the Democratic side. Barack has no business competing in Hillary's backyard, but for some reason he is, and that could similarly be a big win for him.

Margins
Barack is running up the score in Illinois, and should have the most decisive victory of Super Tuesday in his home state. Hillary is beating him by half that margin in New York. If the votes fall in the right places -- Barack making it even in some black districts in New York in which Hillary has establishment support, he could make it a delegate contest in places where Hillary shouldn't have to defend.

Ok, I lied, here are my predictions (for democrats) state by state:

Alabama - Clinton
Alaska - Obama
Arizona - Clinton
Arkansas - Clinton
California - Obama
Colorado - Clinton
Connecticut - Obama
Delaware - Clinton
Georgia - Obama
Idaho - Obama
Illinois - Obama
Kansas - Clinton
Massachusetts - Clinton
Minnesota - Clinton
Missouri - Obama
New Jersey - Clinton
New Mexico - Clinton
New York - Clinton
North Dakota - Obama
Oklahoma - Clinton
Tennessee - Clinton
Utah - Obama

One.... what's the word...leap for mankind

The lesson associated with the Giants Superbowl victory over the Patriots last night goes to prove the age old adage: Cheaters never win. Well, they might win 18 games in a row and set all kinds of records, but they never win the Superbowl. Well, that might win the superbowl, in fact three Superbowls, but not in the year they get caught cheating.... Where was I? Oh, right, the Patriots are cheaters.

I was positively giddy today. Nearly as happy as I have been at a sports related story in more than a year, which in itself sheds some light on how pathetic my fandom has been since the Mets loss in game 7 last year. As a Jets fan, its impossible to feel truly happy with a Giants Superbowl, but as Jets fan in New England, who gives a fuck I could not tolerate an offseason of "19-0, 19-0".

Plus I love it when cheaters lose.

So, the big questions lingering after a surprising yet convincing victory by the Giants:

1) Is the Patriots dynasty over (shades of the Yankee loss in 2001 to the Diamondbacks)
2) Will Eli Manning finally shed the Fredo Corleone label and move up the ranks to Sonny Corleone, and if so when will he be shot to death at a New York area toll booth?
3) Are Tom Brady and Bill Bellichicke (spelling mistake intentional) having an affair?
4) Now that Gisele is single, will she start dating Bridget Moynihan or will that only happen in my fourth dream tonight?

On an unrelated note, I did find this hysterical picture on CNN today:


Stay tuned tomorrow for a Super Tuesday preview, and a recap of tonight's dream about Gisele and Bridget Moynihan.

Superman, Superstar

It's a big weekend in Boston, where the New England Patriots, famous for being undefeated, being cheaters, and having the most unloyal figure in sports (Bellichique - mispelling intentional) this side of Roger Clemens, will play in their 4th Superbowl in 7 years, or their 1st Superbowl in 3 years, depending on your perspective. I came across two things in the past couple of days that I found particularly funny in advance of the game.

Good luck with that one Menino.

Ok, so at least Boston isn't like Chicago or Los Angeles where they jump on cars or riot if they... Oh, right. Well, at least no one ever dies at these things... oh right. Well at least the Boston Police always do the right thing in these situations... oh right.

But, fear not, denizens of the Hub -- you've got Mayor Menino on the case, whose messages will go unheeded both because all of its targets will be drunk and because no one can understand him anyway.

So, onto the second nugget I came across this week. I consult wikipedia very often, both for fun and for professional purposes but mostly for fun, and while looking up the Patriot's dauphinic Quarterback, I found this:

As a side note, while I love the reader inserted exclamations in the beginning of the paragraph, I think the best factoid is that Tom Brady was a "catcher" in high school.