A rest

I am away from the dark dingy cold wet city called Boston and instead am in a slightly lighter, slightly less dingy, humid city called Washington. As a side note I am currently three blocks away from Dick Cheney's house and am signing off from my computer forthwith as to avoid sniper fire.

Catch you anuses next week.

Numbers

President Bush yesterday commented on the now 4,000 American soldiers who have died in Iraq in classic Bush fashion:

He added: "We're gonna need 3,000 more for the frame. 2,000 more for one of those finished basements. That brings us to a grand total of 15,000 with the three car garage."

5 years in, 4,000 Americans dead, and, I don't know, like 100 million Iraqis dead. Congrats.

UPDATE: MATT DAMON IS IN IRAQ???

"We already have a George"

"I have my resume in my pocket if you'd like to take a look..."

I know that I'm a few days late to the show on this, but Bill Richardson threw his (significant) weight behind Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Personally, I forgot we were in the middle of a presidential campaign so this was a nice reminder. But the endorsement by El Gobernador Gordo (con una barba) was not just a slap in the face to Hillary and Bill Clinton, who made Bill Richardson who he is with high level appointments, but has finally provided me an explanation of what is happening to our country.

I've been digesting Bill Richardson's quasi-beard since he first busted it out after dropping out of the race in January. It's unsettling. It's almost like a mullet beard, business on the sides, party up front. For some reason, I've never found the time to comment on it on this space. But the confluence of events of last week have given me an opportunity.

A bearded Bill Richardson has endorsed a black man for President and snubbed a Clinton.

We have entered the Bizarro World.


It all makes sense now. A black man leading the presidential field? Bill Clinton muzzled in a corner? Hillary claiming she has foreign policy experience? John McCain winning the Republican nomination? Mike Huckabee? Chuck Norris?

We're in the bizarro world. We're on Htrae. We're at Reggie's Diner, with Feldman and Gene and Kevin. And Fargus. We're getting castigated for eating olives. We're riding unicycles. We're going to the bolshoi. We're reading books for pleasure. We're nice to people.

Up is down. Left is right. Black is white. Latino is... bearded.

Hello?

Owie

It's true. The collapse of Bear Stearns and the subprime mortgage market, coupled with a lack of consumer confidence, rising gas prices, and an unsteady Fed, means Americans can't buy Muscle Milk.

Also, this picture is confusing. Is the woman on line or is the man on line? I guess I'll get to the bottom line: who's buying the muscle milk?

A Good Friday

I had off from work today, so as I was walking to run some errands this morning, in front of me approached (pardon the passive voice) what would be considered by some less than politically correct people a wigger.


Now, this photo doesn't actually do my guy justice -- first of all it's still winter in Boston so he wasn't wearing a basketball jersey. Well maybe he was, probably a newly purchased Garnett one, but that was covered by his oversized grey hooded sweatshirt, the staple of every 12-15 year-old in the Somerville-Medford-Malden triangle.

He was also very fat, like a cross between Fat Joe and Kevin James. He was wearing a black baseball cap, but as I recall the moment in my mind I can't remember exactly what adorned it -- in retrospect it was probably the omnipresent Boston "B" surrounded by white stars. That has been popular lately.

At any rate, as this future night manager at Star Market and I approached each other, me on my way to mail some letters and drop off dry cleaning, he on his way to I'm assuming the Meadow Glen mall, a nice wind rolled up Holland Street. It was a cold wind, and a cold day, but it was nice nonetheless.

So my pedestrian acquaintance and I passed each other, and just as he walked past my right shoulder, he said, "Anus."

It took a few seconds for that to sink in. Was he talking to me? Was there someone behind me? Was there someone behind the fence next to that statue of the Virgin Mary? Did he say anus?

After we were about six feet apart, I turned my head in his direction, and he did the same at the same moment. I then looked forward, and continued my walk.

I had been called an anus.

Happy Easter.

Final straw

No, no, don't be confused, this Drudge headline is not the subject line of a recent porn spam message I received. Apparently, one ridiculous religious figure has had it up to here with another ridiculous religious figure.

Personally, I let things slide with the USS Cole, 911, Bali, Spain, London, etc... Water under the bridge, or rather, water under the bridge that's about to be bombed. But OBL has crossed a line here. No one steps on a church in my town.

PS: Why is Bin Laden not dead?

Fear

One more quick vote to help Tuesday fade into Wednesday...

Ok, now that we're past that -- OH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Just when we thought we've moved on from a nerdly Governor hiring insanely hot prostitutes for $5,000 to have hot, unprotected, hot... where was I? Anyway, apparently the new Gov also likes, or liked, to have sex with women who aren't his wife. Who doesn't?



I don't have a big problem with the whole affair thing, but the story in itself is weird -- he would have liasons with his mistress in a Days Inn (Four Stars!) which he later visited with his wife after they had patched things up. This whole sex thing of course detracts from the real concerns about him being Governor -- he's blind and black.

And of course, the story that keeps on giving... harder, and harder, and harder, oh yes, harder:

A young strapping former aide of Jim McGreevey (D-isaster) relayed stories of threesomes that the aide used to have with McGreevey and his wife, who has, probably rightfully, played the victim since McGreevey came out as a gay American in 2004. The trysts, dubbed "Friday Night Specials" by the McGreevey's and their concubine, were, much like Paterson's, 4 star in nature.

Dinner at TGIFridays (mozzerella shooters and extreme quesadillas) and then a nice MMF threesome to cap off the evening. McGreevey's wife denies the accusations, McGreevey confirms them, and somewhere Jon Corzine is sweating his balls off knowing that he is next.

Democracy at work

CNN quick vote number 2 of the day:

Lonesome hobo

Bear Stearns, noted brokerage house and home to bridge playing weed smoking former CEO's, nearly went bankrupt this weekend until it was bought out by JP Morgan, noted investment bank and home to insider traders. Hooray! Supposedly JP Morgan will gut nearly the entire operation, leaving only a few divisions open. In response, the market tanked.

In other news, this weekend I got a letter from the IRS telling me that I will get a tax refund for $600. Wow! That's great news. That $600 will surely get us out of our financial funk, save all of those people who lost their homes, pay for the rebuilding of Iraq, bail out lenders and borrowers, and pay for health insurance for those who don't have it.

CNN had an online quick vote which illustrated the problem:

Closed leg don't get fed

So I'm starting to get over it.

Today, however, the media released the name of Eliot Spitzer's prostitute, pictured here:

Note: Photo actually of Civil War General Joseph Hooker

The Times ran a bit of a spread of this girl, and Drudge and The Smoking Gun joined in the barrage, publishing her name, place of birth, the name of her brother, and her life story, which quite predictably ran the gamut of troubled youth coupled with a burgeoning career in music. Also, she is superhot. Like crazy hot. Like, James Joyce couldn't describe her accurately, although he would use a lot of words and it would be confusing.

I'm not going to write this girl's name, or show her photo. Because outside of my morbid, and once I viewed the photos lascivious, curiosity, who she is none of business. This woman is going on the front cover of every newspaper in New York. She'll be called a whore and worse by trophy wives who are just as guilty of prostitution as she is. She's just a girl looking to get paid.

On the flip side, from what I read, her story is probably even more interesting than Spitzer's -- he is just a guy looking to get laid. An important guy, and a careless guy, and may I again add a nerdly guy, but he is just a guy looking to get laid. She is this incredibly beautiful girl, and her life somehow takes her to charging $5000 a night for sex.

As a side note, my mother said she and her coworkers were laughing at Spitzer's demise yesterday, saying, "Man, if we knew all we had to do was get into shape and buy some breast implants, our lives would have been a lot different."

Ok, fine here's a picture of her:

Note: Photo actually of 80's supercop TJ Hooker. And Adrian Zmed.

Stutter shook and uptight

I'm still in shellshock from Spitzer's fall, although it was probably naive for me to think that a guy who was elected to office by dirty money and who had dodged dirt charges for years was clean.

In sadder news, neither "Holy Spitz", or my even better creation, "Up Spitz creek" was used by the Post or the Daily News today. Here's hoping to "Up Spitz creek" when he gets sentenced for solicitation.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to jolt myself out of this haze and write about Spitzer's bizarre sexual pecadillos, which, shockingly, apparently include, gasp, sex without a condom! Oh my god Eliot Spitzer is a human male.

Here's a stupid quick poll from CNN to lighten the mood:

Holy Spitz

Governor Eliot Spitzer, (D-Best little whorehouse in the Upper East Side) is some hot water today, in one of the more shocking news stories I can remember. Shocking of course because I had never heard rumors like this before, more shocking because Spitzer is just about the nerdliest nerd who ever nerded.

This is one of those stomach punches, for me. I loved Spitzer. I loved him as Attorney General. I loved him as candidate for Governor, although he didn't love me enough to hire me. I didn't really love him as Governor as he flailed a little bit, but he was a fighter. He had some skeletons, I suppose, and more today than most people imagined, but he was still a fighter.

I suppose I'm through with being disappointed (and devestated) when politicians I like do something bad, but this really bummed me out.

Damnit.

Also, I'm willing to bet that "Holy Spitz" will be a headline in either the Post or the Daily News tomorrow.

Shocking

Holy shit.

In other news:

- Men who have money may get more sex
- Men with large penises may get more sex
- Men with nice faces may get more sex
- Men who are nice to women may get more sex

Alright, I really mailed it in this week. I'm heading home to do some housework.

Ghost like Swayze?

Normally I would have spent today writing about Hillary's "comeback", McCain getting endorsed by what might as well been a leper, and Obama losing his touch, but because I spent half of the day congratulating myself for my predictions on yesterday's elections and the other half of the despondent over yesterday's results, my attention was diverted. To Pat Swayze.


Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. At first report, he had 5 weeks to live, which would not be nearly enough time for him to film a sequel to my favorite movie of all time, Red Dawn. I suppose a sequel wouldn't work anyway because his character died at the end. What about my second favorite movie of all time, Ghost? No. Well then he woudn't have enough time to make a sequel to my third favorite movie of all time, Road House. Wait, they made a sequel to Road House, starring the guy from Herman's Head? I'm even more despondent now.

Swayze was kind of a ham, especially in Red Dawn and in Ghost, where the only person who could have overacted him was an epileptic, but he was awesome, especially in the SNL Chippendale's sketch that I mentioned three years ago on this blog -- that and Road House alone should put him in the Hall of Fame.

Thankfully the prognosis is a bit better -- Pat Swayze does indeed have cancer but it doesn't appear to be terminal. Which is great because then he'll be able to star in the sequel to my fourth favorite movie of all time, Point Break. Fuck he dies in that one too.

Carry me Ohio (And Texas. Texas, too)

It's decision day, or d day, or, at least according to Drudge:

So does he mean Clinton Day, or...

Four states vote today: Rhode Island, Vermont, Ohio, and Texas, twice. According to most of the media and both the Clinton and Obama campaigns, tonight is up for grabs. Nobody seems to have any idea of what's going to happen.

Rhode Island
Whites white whitey whitey mcwhite whites. Clinton wins.

Vermont
Whites white whitey whitey mcwhite but they're retired college professors and hippies and students who are high so Obama wins.

Ohio
Ohio is one of those states, like Wisconsin, that should be built for a Clinton victory. Middle and working class voters, closed mills, cities in economic distress, etc... Obama was able to run up the numbers in the college towns to win Wisconsin; it looks like he never had a shot at that in Ohio. Even when Clinton was at her lowest nationally, Ohio still held out for her. Interesting.

It's snowing in Ohio today. Like I wrote before Mitt Romney's victory in Michigan, conventional wisdom is that snow helps the favorite, as the die hards will be the ones to vote. However, Clinton's support is with older people, who as we know are afraid of snow. So that could help Obama.

My gut says she wins -- the momentum has swung back her way. With the exception of a few outliers, she has been ahead in almost every poll for the last month, and the margin has started to increase.

Texas
Si se Puede! Actually, no. I don't have much insight here. I just don't see it. Latinos, momentum back in her direction, and last week's ads; I feel like she's got her game face on now.
A win here coupled with Ohio especially after how low expectations have been set gives her reason to fight on to another day where she will still not catch Obama delegate-wise.

So she should win 3 out of 4, and with the way her spin has been working, set this up as another comeback, New Hampshire 92 and New Hampshire 08 style, and press on. And, depending on how the delegates shake out, it is a comeback and she will go forward.

Barack's delegate lead isn't that great, under 200, and the reality is that neither of them can win the nomination before the convention if the other one remains in the race, so if its essentially tied there is no way she drops out.

I loathe her.