Hiatus

I'm traveling this week and my internet access is, in a word, slower than shit.

I'll be back next week, just in time for Hannukah!

I know she can get the job, but can she do the job?

My odd obsession with Matt Drudge is well known to my 9 readers, and today he showed why with this playful and horribly sexist headline and accompanying picture. Barack Obama made a comment that Hillary Clinton shouldn't say that she has experience governing because Bill Clinton occasionally bounced some ideas off of her. Which is just about the only thing he ever bounced off of her. Zing!

Drudge has been known to be pretty base in his past, and this time was no different as his crack editor (his panama hat) objected to Drudge's first pass:

How low, are you willing to go?

The holidays are a time that often cause depression in a lot of people, myself included. Some people are depressed by where they are in life, some people get fat at Christmas parties, and some people are affected by the growing cold. Personally, I get down because I'm still holding out hope for the return of the POW's from the Great War on Christmas of 2005.

But I don't need any of those things to bring me down; I've got the news. This week, three things caught my attention, all of which made me just that much sadder.



- This post is two days late, but I don't care, it's still worth it. CNN is worthless. The week leads off with a cyclone that kills thousands, the President's top terrorism adviser leaving office and a slew of other horrifying stories, and CNN leads off with the stagehand strike. Give me a fucking break.

- Lyin' Scott McClellan is pitching his book this week, where he finally admits that President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby all lied about the Valerie Plame leak investigation and forced him to lie to the press. Let me just take a minute.



Ok, I'm fine.

Hey, Scott? Go fuck yourself.

I pray to God that this doesn't wipe away your conscience, that in 20 years you're awake at night in your three million dollar house, trying to shake the feeling that "Hey, maybe I helped facilitate treason and sustain a war by shielding genuinely immoral men from justice". So I urge all 10 of my readers to destroy every copy of Scott McClellan's book, "No, I'm going to have to lie here, too, Helen". Do not allow him to gain salvation with your money.

- And finally, Mitt Romney made a big stink yesterday in Iowa about Barack Obama admitting in a speech that he experimented with drugs as a teenager. Romney of course committed the much more cardinal sin of experimenting with getting an MBA, but nobody seems to call him on that.



Romney said the President has to be a "role model", and wondered how could Obama tell teens that he used drugs and expect them not to think it was ok to use drugs. Romney also criticized Obama for wearing a diaper and going through puberty.

If this is not the biggest example of how much Mitt Romney is out of the mainstream then I need to watch some more episodes of Big Love. Obama is talking about things he did 30 years before, and not in some grandiose way, either. Like most teenagers who weren't the sons of prominent politicians, and some that were the sons of prominent politicians, Obama grew up and along the way learned how to be a man. He learned that maybe cocaine wasn't a smart thing to do and that smoking weed probably doesn't lead to a good life.

He also learned that radical religion is dangerous to our society, whether it be Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. He learned that you should be consistent in what you say because how can you expect people to believe you otherwise? He learned that women should be allowed to make decisions about their bodies. He learned that gays are no different that anybody else. He learned that health care should be provided, not mandated. Like most people, the journey from 16 to 46 took Barack Obama down a lot of different roads, from California to New York to Chicago to Harvard to Chicago to Washington. Mitt Romney seems to believe there is only one road.

So let's dispense with the eloquence -- Mitt, what the fuck? What about Jesus, didn't he do it too? Didn't he sin? Didn't he talk about sin? Didn't he forgive sin?

Happy Thanksgiving, I'm going home.

Spam of the Day

Sages say, you only have to surrender to what you cannot change.
But how to accept the fact, that you cannot satisfy
your girlfriends with your moderate-sized willy?
Poetic yes but once again with those grammatical errors? Don't you guys at www.penisbig.com have editors? Also, big plus for using the word "moderate" in the ad.

Women prefer black men for only one reason
Very to the point and very racist, two things I really look for in a spam message.

Idiot wind

In all the brouhaha following Matt Damon being named Sexiest Man Alive yesterday, including me calling for an investigation into CNN's online vote, I forgot to mention this little nugget via Foxnews.com

In summary, the "government" released a report indicating that more soldiers died during 1981 and 1982 than during 2005 and 2006. Take that, Ronald Reagan!

Of course, the placement of this story prominently at the top of the main page of Foxnews is to support the longstanding argument that Foxnews doesn't believe in context. Within the article they mentioned the reason for these statistics -- in 2005 there is better health care, better military technology, and of course, lower taxes.

Meanwhile the Bush administration defended their policy on health care by discussing the bubonic plague, civil rights by mentioning slavery, and terrible Presidential leadership by drawing a comparison to earlier this year.

Justice

After all this time, finally an election result us Americans can celebrate:


That's right, finally the everyman wins out. Congratulations, People Magazine! Congratulations, Matt Damon! Congratulations, to us all!!!


UPDATE:
Cnn, what are you thinking?

Dont bother waiting for your poll results.. I've already done the math.

UPDATE:
What the hell is going on?

Who, dare I ask, does the other 69% think People should select? Tom Selleck? Cary Grant? Ted Danson? We're talking about Matt Damon here. We're talking about Will Hunting. Mike McD. Jason Bourne. Greg Kinnear's siamese twin from "Stuck on You". Bagger Vance. Or, rather, the golfer that Bagger Vance worked for, but whatever.

You're goddamn right it's not a scientific poll.

Spam of the day

A new feature to Moderately Effed, bringing you spam advertising on a daily/semi daily/whenever the fuck I remember basis...

Via PK, this little nugget arrived in his Spam folder yesterday:

"Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants!"
Grammatical errors and tense changes aside, I think this one really works. I, for one, definitely would like a huge penis in order to command respect and obedience from my wife, who is now infertile due to my huge penis destroying her uterus.

And this message, which was in my spam folder:

"One swallow doesn't make a wife"
While this message rings so, so true, it's clearly not as effective as the previous one -- I'm not even sure what they're pitching here. Nevertheless, for some reason it makes me feel all warm inside.

That's what she said.

In the photobooth

Like most of my readers, there's three things I can't get through a morning without. First, a cup of prune juice. Secondly, I need to watch at least 20 minutes of my favorite show, Fox and Friends. And thirdly, I need a little dose of Drudge.

So, this morning I was lazily browsing the site and OH MY GOD?!?!? WHAT IS THAT???


Oh, thank god, it's just a story about Hillary Clinton.

Yes, that's right, after holding a press conference yesterday, Hillary Clinton was leaving the stage and 4 flags fell over in front of her. She immediately lit them on fire, took off all of her clothes, smoked a joint, ripped a bible in half like a phone book and was joined in a civil union to Helen Thomas.

Meanwhile, in the only story that could bump the moronic previous story, Matt Drudge led with evil monkey clones running lose in our streets. Or in Africa. Or in some lab somewhere. Either way, he made me choke on my prune juice. I don't have a big problem with monkeys unless they're ruling the earth in some dystopian future, and I don't have a problem with clones they're trying to snuff out jedis, but evil monkey eyes on my Monday morning while I'm trying to feast my eyes on Brian Kilmeade?

And The New York Post had some fun today with the upcoming trip to the US by the pope:


And I just got the chills. Now I'm not Catholic, nor do I believe in the divinity of Jesus or the holiness of the Pope, but I gotta believe this might be a bit blashphemous. Equating, if unintentionally, the World Trade Center site with Yankee stadium and lazily slapping a Yankee skull cap on the Pope's head?

Details were sketchy on the specifics of the trip, especially the Yankee Stadium leg, but I'd imagine he'll have a strong regular season and then crap out in the playoffs.

Surprise, Surprise

That's right folks, it's official. The New York Times' ace blogger, Patrick Healy, has broken the biggest story of the presidential cycle. I, Dave Rubin, will endorse Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton in her race for the White House.

My decision making process was a long and difficult one. I thought about it from every angle, every possible match-up, and every possible scenario. Here's how it all shook out:

Tier 3: The "Hey, I'm on TV" Candidates

Dennis Kucinich: Usually midgets with nonsensical views of a peaceful world really speak to me (see Dukakis, Michael), but I am too attracted to his wife and I couldn't get over the fact that he looks like Ed Grimley, so I ruled him out almost immediately.

"I was once Mayor of Cleveland!"

Mike Gravel: I had a soft spot for Gravel because he reminds me of my grandfather. Of course, my Grandfather had Alzheimer's disease so that was that.

"I bought this coat at good will."

Tier 2: The "Hey, its my turn" Candidates

Chris Dodd: I don't care how good he is on the issues, I just can't bring myself to vote for Phil Donahue.

"Hey it's Enrico Palazzo!"

Joe Biden: I've railed about Joe Biden's ego, his aversion to ever shutting up, and his reality defying hair, but I always thought he knew what he was talking about on foreign policy. That is why I am proud to endorse Joe Biden for President in 1988.

"So I can't be President? All right. Can I interest you in a used car?"

Bill Richardson: Richardson, or "El Gobernador Gordo" has a fantastic resume, likes long walks on the beach, the buffet table, putting his staff in headlocks, and if the rumors are true, sleeping with women who aren't his wife. Man, this guy seems real disciplined.

"No, first we eat lunch then we wrestle. Food, then wrestling."

Tier 1: The "Hey, for some reason I might win this thing" Candidates

John Edwards: I was willing to vote for him until I realized that I hate him as a person.

"Really? I was going for disingenuous so I'm glad you say that."

Barack Obama: The favorite of liberal elites, a group of which I am proud to wish I was a member, Barack has shown flashes of brilliance and courage in his quest to be the first black man that Hillary passes over for Vice President.

(Editor's note: I could not locate a bad picture of Barack Obama)

Hillary Clinton: I could talk about her lifelong commitment to health care, her vast knowledge of public policy, her unflappability, and her strength on national security, but thinking strategically I decided that the average American is more afraid of blacks than women so I had to go with her.

(Editor's note: Too scared to write joke)

So, I am proud to announce that... What? Oh, Patrick Healy meant Former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin will endorse Hillary Clinton, not lowly barely read blogger Dave Rubin. Oh. All right, then. In that case, I'm writing in Al Gore.

Wednesday News mini-roundup

- President Bush is laying the hammer down:

Moderately Effed was able to audiotape this latest example of classic Bush dipshittery masked in diplomacy:

"Hey, PMushie, this is President Bush. You can't be the President and the head of the military at the same time."

"But, Mr. President, you are President and the head of the military at the same time."

"Hey, I've got to go."

- Strange bedfellows took a really interesting turn today when former New York Mayor, former Democrat, abortion right supporter, thrice married, cross dressing, gay befriending, racist police force supporting, egomaniac Rudy Giuliani got the endorsement of Reverend, republican stalwart, gay hating, abortion vilifying, Hugo Chavez assassinating, egomaniac Pat Robertson. So, they're both egomaniacs.

"You're getting that lisp fixed, right?"

After 9/11, Pat Robertson and the late, horrendous Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People for the American Way." And there I was blaming Bill Clinton.

Robertson went a little further, and wackier, with his denouncement of Disney World for hosting "Gay Days" weekend, saying acceptance of homosexuality could result in, drumroll please, hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and "possibly a meteor." What I love about that little tirade is hurricanes, eartquakes, etc... are all definite results of acceptance of gays, but a meteor is only a "possibility". Yeah, Pat, I understand how you might want to be cautious with your words. You don't want to go too crazy.

Meanwhile Rudy Giuliani, whose name will officially be changed on the Iowa and New Hampshire ballot to "Nine-eleven V. Ohmygodthatguyhasdarkskinlet'storturehim" spent the years of 2001-2007 making millions of dollars, shining his head, and bashing anyone who took away from his own heroism on 9/11 by criticizing the United States in any way.

So they seem like a match made in ummm... what's the word? Oh, I got it, politically calculated morally shaky nebula. That's it.

So what brings these two gentlemen together?


Besides pissing off Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Jesus, and bewildering evangelical Christians across the nation, this move has got to scare the Clintons a bit. In 2000, before Rudy got prostate cancer/realized he probably couldn't win a Senate while still dating his mistress, the proposed Senate matchup between Hillary and Rudy in New York definitely scared Hillary. She definitely dodged a bullet when Rudy dropped out, and this was before 9/11 and the city of New York forgot about how bad a mayor he was and how his cops used to shoot black people.

So now, its seven years later, the whole "my cops shoot black people" thing is a distant memory and Rudy has real national appeal. People trust him, for some reason, and he's running neck and neck with Hillary in a proposed Presidential election that should by default go the Democrats. Even with Romney leading in Iowa and New Hampshire, Rudy's was already dangerous and this just gives him more ammo.

So, if I'm Hillary Clinton, I gotta be a bit scared. And I would do exactly what I did in 2000: give Rudy Giuliani dick cancer again.

Not necessarily the news

It's days like this that I wish I lived a life without the internet or television or newspapers. You know, President Bush's life?

With the exception of what I'm assuming is Lou Dobbs' most recent screed on immigration or the dearth of hair dye in his neighborhood Duane Reade and Nicholas Sarkozy's most recent fellating of President Bush, the rest of the articles straddle the line between horrifying and depressing. Falling cows, mutilation, polygamy, pedophilia, polygmast pedophiles, wheel-less airplanes, and Rudy Giuliani.... Come on! Can't we have a The USA Today style "Firefighter rescues cat from tree, hosts fundraiser for Iraq war veterans, and accidentally shoots illegal immigrant" article? I'm just looking for one feel good story a day. That's it.

Remember me, at Halloween

Julie Myers, the head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement or (ICE) got in some trouble this week after she hosted a Halloween fundraiser where a white man attended wearing dreadlocks, a prison uniform, and skin bronzer, dressed as, I’m guessing, the subject of Rudy Giuliani’s next campaign commercial.

So, a guy goes in blackface to an administration fundraiser, somehow avoids getting racially profiled and summarily arrested, imprisoned, and tortured, and then his coworkers claim that they were offended. And here is the best actual line in response to the little flareup by an ICE spokeswoman: "Most people in the room didn't realize he was wearing make-up at all."

Meanwhile, the White House hosted its own Halloween party. Here are some of the highlights:

Vice President Cheney played his strengths and dressed as a sexy girl Scout:

Former Speaker of the House and High School wrestling coach Denny Hastert went against type and came as The Stay Puft Marshmallow man:

President Bush went a little esoteric and went as a photo op gone awry:

And Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff went as himself

Pervez, put your redshoes on, we goin’ to the disco

Yeah… That’s right General Pervez Musharraf, take that uniform off and show the United States of America how you do it, Karachi style. Let it rain!

There’s some trouble brewin’ in Pakistan. President, General, and all around man-about-town Pervez Musharraf declared martial law on Saturday, suspending the Pakistani constitution and postponing the planned elections in January. According to Musharraf, the move was an attempt to “give me some fucking time to think, ok? Fuck.”

Meanwhile, former Prime Minister Benazhir Bhutto boldly blasted Musharraf’s militant maneuver as megalomaniacal, arguing that the General’s gestures were just jeopardous.

Condoleeza Rice expressed disappointment at the developments, demanding that Musharraf step down from the Pakistani military. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino also provided the following list of US demands:

- Find Osama Bin Laden, secretly hand him over to the US and allow President Bush to announce news in World Trade Center site

- Donate old military uniforms to President Bush

- Shave ridiculous moustache

Go with a smile

An open letter to CNN:

Come on, are you kidding? This is the photo you run? You couldn't find one better photo? I Seriously? The woman is dead, and now you have to embarrass her with possibly the least flattering photo of anyone ever spread across the main page of your website for several hours. Great.