Obvi

I'm not surprised. With the possible exception of being a lookalike for either Rip Torn or the guy who played the father on You Can't Do That on Television, this guy's career options were exclusively limited to school janitor and/or incestual pedophile, usually one in the same.

The problem with this story is while I should be focusing on the horror of the story; a man locking his daughter up for 24 years, impregnating her and doing worse things than I even want to write, instead I'm focused on his eyebrows. Thanks, CNN.

Enough

I may be done with society as a whole.

This morning as I was getting ready to go to work, MSNBC's Contessa Brewer (who looks like a Contessa) broke into a report about potential food rationing in California and around the world to let the the entire nation know that a black bear was spotted in Paramus, New Jersey, presumably on its way to the great, great deals you can find every day at the Garden State Plaza.

The video of this bear, shot from a helicopter, was no different from something you might see on America's Most Shocking Home Videos, except extremely less interesting. The bear didn't attack anyone, it didn't break any property, it didn't rummage through any garbage cans or steal honey or picnic baskets. It was just loping around a neighborhood.

Contessa Brewer very condescendingly said that during her time hiking in Northern New Jersey (during her childhood as a witch) she learned that black bears were very common in the area, and repeatedly mentioned that "everyone knows black bears are often seen in Paramus."

SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU REPORTING ON IT? Why do you feel the need to have the principal of a nearby school call in and talk to you for five minutes? Why do you have two phone conversations within 10 minutes with the head of a zoo in Florida? You moved away from food rationing to a black bear?

The absurdity of Contessa's coverage, as well as the coverage by the other anchor who took over at the hour change, is completely lost in this writing. It is impossible to do it proper justice. The icing on the cake for me was when Contessa interviewed two political reporters about the Clinton/Obama campaign and said, "we're happy to have you on here. As you know this is a very big news morning for us."

I'm ranting.

So close...

From the department of obvious...

I'm on pins and needles. Actually I'm not I kind of forgot there was a presidential race this year.

The week end

It was an action packed week in news, and I didn't get the chance to write about Barack and Hillary getting nasty or tell my favorite joke of all time about President Bush and 10 Hassidic Jews, pictured here:

"Can I offer you guys a ham and cheese sandwich? Oh."

The week was capped off with a bit of a tussle between Obama and Clinton at their debate on Wednesday night, which was essentially 2 hours of ABC beating the crap out of Barack Obama interspersed with 15 minutes of Hillary Clinton beating the crap out of Barack Obama.

But the big news week was the Pope, who is looking every second of his listed age of 112. The big problem with the Pope coming to America is that he has to interact with Americans, pictured here highfiving a cardboard cutout of the Pope, giving the cardboard cutout of the Pope rabbit ears, and of course treating the Pope like he is Kobe Bryant. Wait, Kobe is a bad example, let's just say a sports hero:

Let us all welcome the Pope and.... OH MY GOD IS THAT A CONFEDERATE FLAG?

The glass is half... well dead, I guess, half dead

Borrowing a page from The Onion, Reuters ran with this headline today, following an airline crash by a Hewa Bora airlines plane in the Democratic Republic of Congo:


To be fair, most airline crashes have no survivors so I guess Hewa Bora (previously named Fingers Crossed Airlines) has got a (badly broken) leg up on the competition. Personally, I love their optimism.

Bad news, bad news

Today's CNN confirms what we all already knew; the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Or is it hell and a handbasket?

Anyway, we've got the Taliban murdering people in their sleep, a pitbull attacking a child, playfully referred as a 'tot', a guy who killed his grandparents, Dr Phil, Russian Roulette, and, of course.... the world Oyster eating championship! Ah, the lighter side.

Can we step back a second and think about the word choice of "sklorks"? What the hell is that?

Boy howdy

Instead of Hillary Clinton attacking Barack Obama's ability to be Commander in Chief, today she let other side of the aisle have a swing, with Congressman Geoff Davis (R-acist) impugning Obama's judgement, saying: "That boy’s finger does not need to be on the button"

I'm having a hard time digesting how racist that is -- beyond the use of the word boy I have to believe that alluding to Obama's finger is also racially coded. Well at least the Republicans aren't unpredictable.

Let's just pause for a moment and show a picture of this moron:

Note: image not distorted with photoshop. Congressman Davis actually that ugly

So I can, so I can

Actually being busy at work has made this blog suffer dearly. This week, for example, I am arriving very late to the show on what just might be the most absurd story Moderately Effed has other covered, with the exception of Larry Craig, Mark Foley, the Walocaust, the Holocaust, Chuck Norris, and Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face.

Speaking of...


That's the headline that greeted me yesterday while I browsed the Drudge Report looking for the latest gossip on Hillary's campaign team shakeup and airline delays. Of course, seeing that headline made me click on the link, which resulted in this photo:


Instead of hunting, this time the Veep went a fishin', and this time instead of hunting defenseless prey like birds, deer, or Iraqis, apparently he was on... well let's just for the sake of memorability, rhyme scheme, and avoidance of vulgarity... a cunt hunt. As a point of reference, I believe that is the first time I've ever used the C word on this space. New frontiers are broken every day.

Bloggers everywhere were a twitter -- was the Vice President on a fishing trip with a naked woman? Was he using her as bait? What is her phone number?

While I would love nothing more than for Dick Cheney to be brought down by a frankly bizarre sex scandal, I find it highly unlikely that the White House would allow the Vice President to be photograph anywhere a naked woman. Cheney's spokesman backed up that premise by saying, and I'm not making this quote up, "Clearly the picture shows a hand casting a rod."

I could retire right now from blogging and never come up with a line that was funnier than that. Teams of comedians could have huddled around computers, using thesauruses and reference books and could not have outfunnied that. Frankly, I'm jealous.

It's really too hard, for to fly

Ah, the best inspiration of the day. The CNN Quick Vote.

So you're saying there's a chance?

The best news of my week? Mary Louise Parker has broken off her engagement to her fiance and his moustache.

My love for Mary Louise Parker is well documented. I don't really have a plan here, so any suggestions are welcome. She's 44, a millionaire actress, and has a series on Showtime. I'm 28, a non- millionaire non-member of the media, and I occasionally play my guitar loudly enough for a passing pedestrian to hear. I'm in like Flynt. Or Flynn. Whatever.

I won't leave her seven months pregnant like Billy Crudup. I won't be ugly like Adam Duritz. I won't grow a moustache like that guy in the photo. I won't be a celebrity and then a non-celebrity like Timothy Hutton. In fact I'm perfectly fine being a non-celebrity for the rest of my life.

C'mon, Mary-Louise, what do you have to lose other than the respect of your peers and someone with whom you have common interests? Take a chance on me!

1.21 jigowatts?

In a shocking (read: not shocking) development, General David Petraeus (R-Army), boldly stated that, in no uncertain terms, the United States should.... go back in time to before the surge and then hang out for a bit and then maybe try it again.

This is a pretty ballsy strategy. While Doc Brown's flirtation with time travel did put Michael J. Fox on the map and produce two fantastic movies (and Back to the Future 2 which I hated and everyone else seemed to like), I think we all learned a few valuable lessons, namely don't take your mom to a dance and don't try to change the past.

Who knows what this pre-surge strategy could do? Will it win the Pentagon a lot of money by betting on the Colorado Rockies to win the 2007 National League Championship? Will it cause a tear in the space time continuum, resulting in the universe as we know it imploding in on itself? Will it lead to the deaths of hundreds of more Americans and thousands of more Iraqis? Yeah that last one.

Up close and personal with....

My trip to Las Vegas was exciting, blackjack filled and beer soaked. I had a much better time than I ever expected I would, probably because I won some money, and left with a bit of a hop in my step, probably because I won some money.

But, as readers of this space know, awkward celebrity run-ins are something of a specialty for me, so after we somehow stumbled upon Hugh Hefner's birthday party, I was excited for who we might run into, while simultaneously making fun of the throngs of young women crowding around the booth where Hugh Hefner and his harem were expected to gather.

DK (also known as DeCline) and I decided that the most likely celebrities we would see would be AC Slater and Pauly Shore. Personally, I was hoping for a Rob Estes or maybe even a Charlie Sheen, but, sadly, we were left with:


Granted, Robin Leach is, I believe, just below me on the celebrity scale. So were simultaneously excited and disappointed. DeCline somehow snuck into his booth, drank his champagne, and stole a glass from the Playboy Club with his cigar in it, which he accidentally left in his hotel room.

While I did enjoy the trip, Las Vegas is not for me. If I want prostitutes and girls dressed like prostitutes, I'll go on the internet. If I want fat guys wearing moustaches smoking cigars, I'll watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. If I want to play Blackjack I'll finally make it to that Gambler's Anonymous meeting. If I want to exacerbate my agoraphobia I'll walk outside my office in the middle of the summer and be overcome by tourists and sausage vendors. If I want to smell like I did last weekend then I can go to Atlantic City, or perhaps somewhere below 14th street.

There are Vegas people, and there are not Vegas people, and after finally making it out there, I have to say that I am firmly not a Vegas person.

Until next time.

And so it begins...

This evening at around midnight Pacific time, I will be getting in what I'm told will be a very long taxi line at the Las Vegas airport. From there, I will take what I'm told will be a twenty dollar cab ride to a hotel I'm told is awesome. Then to some places where I'm assuming there will be clothed or semi-clothed women. I will play blackjack. I will drink. I will, probably, ogle.

I will bet on the Mets and on UCLA at the Sportsbook. I will watch UCLA lose.

This is my first trip to Las Vegas. On Monday when I return to Boston I will either be tired, broke, or dead.

500

Today marks my 500th post on this space. And it typically Moderately Effed fashion, it's moderately half assed. A CNN quick vote caught my eye...