But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man

Man, Lil Kim has really let herself go.

Finally, evidence that Barry Bonds has been using hormones. Or that all these years in San Franciso have finally gotten to him. Back in reality, Bonds participated in a contest called "Giants Idol" where Giants' veterans masqueraded as judges from "American Idol". Holy God.

Fellow Giant Mark Sweeney came up with the quote of the day when he said it was "almost embarrassing" to have Bonds dress up like Paula Abdul. What exactly would have been "completely embarrassing"?

I'm not dumb but I can't understand, why she walks like a woman

What does the above picture represent?

A) Dick Cheney dressing up as a woman to evade authorities after shooting a man in the face
B) Dame Edna dialing it down a bit
C) Kathleen Turner
D) An elementary school teacher from New Jersey who had a sex change from a man to a woman

If you answered D, you're wrong. It's Kathleen Turner.

But seriously folks, a 71 year old man had a sex change and wants to continue substitute teaching. Some parents in the school district predicted "chaos" if she/he were allowed to return to the school, although the normal crew of substitutes, gym teachers, and maintenance staff at any school is usually not too many pegs above "Star Wars bar".

Favorite quote:

"There's really nothing to fear because a person is transgender," said Karina Mari, a mother of three school-age children who said she has transgender relatives.

Plural?

Ain't the kind of place to raise a kid

Roger Clemens pitched in a simulated game against some minor league players in the Houston Astros system, including his son Koby. The younger Clemens hit a home run off his father, and then in his next at bat, he got some chin music.

That's not a joke. The Rocket tried to knock down his own son. This is not particularly surprising, as Clemens is a raving egomaniac at best and mentally retarded at worst. He is currently contemplating returning to baseball for another season, where he will undoubtedly have a very low ERA, strike out a lot of batters, and then feign a serious injury and crap out in the playoffs.

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."

The Gods must be smiling on me today, because after watching Commando last night, NBC graced me with another action packed Arnold Schwarzenagger vehicle when he appeared on Meet the Press.

How dapper the Governor looked as he spoke with Tim Russert about the problems facing Cal-ee-for-nya and things of that nature. Apparently, he is still committed to opening up the books and ushering in a new era of government. It is time to reform Cal-ee-for-nya. Yahhhhhhhhhh.

In case anyone forgot, Governor Schwarzenegger used to be an movie star, and I gotta tell you, he was quite the actor. Let's refresh our memories.


Governor of the third largest state, folks. God bless America.

Perspective

Which of these is not like the other? (Via FoxNews)

This actually made me think: It's been a pretty bad week for President Bush, and this gives him an opportunity. Headline Knotts' memorial service, where he can talk bombastically about the war on terror and draw comparison's to Knotts' portrayal of stalwart sheriff's deputy Barney Fife. Or just talk about the time that Jack and Janet tried to convinced him that Terri wasn't a drug smuggler. Despite the political upside, it's pretty clear that Bush has gotten a lot of inspiration over the years from Ralph Furley, or at least his brother Bart.

Match made in heaven

Tom Suozzi entered the race for New York Governor, bringing the grand total of sleazy attorney candidates for the democratic nomination to: 2.

Meanwhile, Eliot Spitzer kicked an old woman in the face for jaywalking and sent an NYU freshman to prison for 40 years for illegally downloading "Beautiful" by James Blunt.

Denzel's Dizzy Day

Denzel Washington made news today when interrupting the recreation period at Coleman Middle School in up state New York. Washington reportedly walked into one of the classrooms with a glazed over smile on his face saying, "It's not checkers, it's chess." Apparently, Washington, to the amusement of the children mumbled this a few more times while stumbling around the room.



"At first I was delighted," 7th grade reading teacher Ms. Jodi Best said, "he just kept saying 'it's not checkers, it's chess' everyone thought he was being funny."

Unfortunately Denzel was far from joking.

"Oh, after a couple minutes of Mr. Washington's ramblings one of the children began to cry," Ms. Best continued, "That's when he became belligerent. It seems he must have learned my name from the children's wailing, and began making up a little rhyme, you know something like '[expletive] Ms. Best this ain't checkers it's [expletive] chess. "

At this point Ms. Best called the school authorities who in turn called local law enforcement.

"If only he would have dropped the globe and came down off of Ms. Best's desk, they probably wouldn't've had to taser him." An anonymous student explained.

Washington was subdued and taken to local the station, where he was released later that day.

"What I have a hard time understanding," Lieutenant Oglineyes, who was the first to report to the scene, "those kids was playing checkers, they kept saying 'we is playing checkers Mr. Washington we is'. By the time I got there he was up on the desk with the globe over his head, just holllering 'it ain't checkers' at the ceiling."


When asked for comment, Washington declined, though insisting we "take a picture of him for Mr. Morris."




On a positive note Washington is reported to have two more 'celebrity millionaire get out of jail free cards' for 2006.

Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others

The South Dakota State Senate has passed a law banning all abortion unless necessary to save the woman's life. However, the bill made no exception for the health of the woman, for incest or rape, or if the father of the fetus was "yucky". Governor Mike Rounds has said he will sign the bill.

I'm not the Machiavellian operative that I used to be, because I feel like this is very bad. A lot of Democratic strategists are quietly rooting for the measure because they feel that it will galvanize the base and swing legislative control to the Democrats. I, on the other hand, disagree. First of all, the Democratic party is incompetent, and if they were able to prove that President Bush used to buy heroin from Osama Bin Laden, the party would still lose a couple of seats in November. Second, if this law goes into effect, women are going to get hurt. Poor women, black women (although that's not much of a problem in South Dakota) and uneducated women are going to get hurt. Plus Planned Parenthood will be on every TV channel, and I can't stand them.

So, this will go all the way up to the Supreme Court, where it will come down to what kind of day Justice Kennedy is having when the argument is heard. There will be protests, there will be direct mail pieces, and there will be rhetoric... What happens? Scalia,Thomas,Alito, Roberts, and Kennedy decide there is no right to abortion, and about 28 states ban it. Then I have really no idea.

I'll be brief

No.

Perfect picture

I think we are witnessing history. Years from now, we will be able to tell our children that we were around for the WORST EXECUTIVE IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS. Over the past three years, I am literally unable to count how many times I've called friends completely bewildered about the decisions that Isaiah Thomas has made.

But this, this one... Now the Knick back court is Steve Francis, Stephone Marbury, Nate Robinson, and Jamal Crawford. And you lost one of your most productive rookies in Trevor Ariza. Why? Why another disgruntled, selflish One/two guard? Let's track his career for a moment: Cried on draft day and got dealt from Vancouver, had mysterious migraines for a couple of seasons, had passionate love affair with Cuttino Mobley, couldn't get along with Tracy McGrady, Yao Ming, or Grant Hill. So, let's put him on a team with Stephon Marbury AND Jamal Crawford! For the first time in NBA history, there may very well be a fistfight for the ball, among teammates.

It's times like these that I cherish the fact that I am Nets fan. You will never hear that sentence again.

Please find me a job

As previous readers of this blog know (all 3 of them), I suffer from two disorders. One is a heroin addiction, which I've been fighting. But I gotta tell you, shaking H is harder than you might think. The second is insomnia, which rears its ugly head each and every night. Normally it would be debilatating to my work and social life, but right now, that's not too much of a problem.

At any rate, syndicated television plays right into my insomnia by airing Elimidate at 3:30 AM. This week is Mask week on Elimidate, where the contestants claim that they are tired of fucking hot woman and are now to looking for a "great personality". Yuk. So, the wonderfully clever producers of Elimidate put masks on the women in order to... Oh I don't even care anymore.

Monday morning's episode was pretty excellent, and it was set in Boston. Friends of mine know that for me, Elimidate in Boston is like a perfect storm; accents, the attitudes, the settings, the hometowns. I was very excited.


On their date, they did what all single people who live in Boston do: they went on a duck tour!

Sadly, the boat didn't sink. After the duck tour, they retired to Rob's absolute MANSION on Comm Ave. He had a fireplace, brandy snifters, and was topless by the first cut. Now, judging by Rob's abridged profile, we can judge that he is a very intellectual, discerning, sensitive guy. He made out with two of the girls and then picked the one with the best body.

What, me worry?

Oh, ok. Because I was going to worry. Well, I'm satisfied. Anyone want to go to church?

Let's Play Make the Connection!

Debra Beasley LaFave


and...


The bomb drop at Hiroshima


and...



The Beach Boys- Pet Sounds

And the connection is....
Completely Absolutey, and i mean more than the nightly news, Unbelievable.

Hey, jealousy

Iraq is slouching towards Antietam, Bush selling our ports to the Arabs, but.... hey, somebody won the lottery!!!!!


That's right, CNN et al showed the press conference of a clearly overwhelmed group of 8 meat processing plant employees who won the $365 million Powerball. They also won some oversized checks. In other news, I found a dime underneath my car seat. I'm thinking about investing it.

Lottery winners always seem so unassuming right after they win, talking very modestly about finally buying that boat or paying off their mortgage. These guys were the perfect example of this, including one guy, who is now my personal hero: "Oh, I'm going to buy an island, I'm going to buy an airplane. Reality: Umm, gee, not a fan of flying, don't really like water. I have no idea what I'm going to do."

Lord knows I've paid some dues

Ha ha! I get it. Ted Kennedy killed a woman in 1969. Ha ha! That's funny. Sigh.

I'm glad all those Republican Mary Jo Kopechne supporters out there are really diginifying her memory with a crudely made and frankly not all that clever bumper sticker. Bravo.

However, the bumper sticker did give me an idea. Maybe I'll start my own line of innovative, clever, and utterly hilarious conservative bumper stickers. Here are some ideas:

- I'd rather hire Linda Chavez's illegal foreign nanny than go yachting with Duke Cunningham
(Maybe a little too wonky)

- I'd rather ride horses with Mike Brown than entrust him with the safety of our Gulf Coast
(Too soon?)

- I'd rather poison a Supreme Court Justice than speak in rational discourse.
(Too vague?)

- I'd rather bribe congressman than be an honest human being.
(Too unbelievable)

- I'd rather see Brokeback Mountain than be David Dreier's roommate.
(My first outing)

- I'd rather have an Arab country defend America's ports than exert my constitutional responsibility.
(Would look really good on the back of Marine One)

- I'd rather not get shot in the face by the Vice President than get shot in the face by the Vice President.
(I've already reserved one of these for Scooter Libby)

- I'd rather illegally listen in on phone conversations than legally listen in on phone conversations.
(Kind of nuanced)

- I'd rather be an asshole than do my job.
(Good old Scott)

and finally...

- I'd rather invade Iraq than track down Osama Bin Laden
(Too on point.)

Horse Incites Neighing

Literally everyone on the farm got a surprise today when Tinklebody, an English bred horse, mounted a soapbox during feeding time and began speaking for the rest of the herd. Many of the other horses in the field stopped chewing hay and began to neigh in agreement.
"I always knew he had it 'em," Farmer Paul Sandwich explained, "too bad we had to put ol' Tinklebody down."

Ring the bell

Well, President Bush has jumped the shark. Not only is he strongly supporting allowing a company from the United Arab Emirates to guard several of our most important and vulnerable ports, but he now views it as so important that he is threatening a veto if his minions in Congress can't round up enough votes for it. Oh my god.

I'm having a real hard time wrapping my anthrax infected brain around this one, but there seem to be a couple of problems. First, and most importantly, why is he forcefully advocating that any foreign company, let alone one from a country that has had some uncomfortable ties with terror, guard our ports? Is Halliburton unvailable on this one? Second, how can this be the one issue that he is ready to pull out the veto on? Are animal-human hybrids finally on the backburner? Third, he has no congressional support. None. Changing French fries to freedom fries had two sponsors in the House, and you can't get a single House or Senate leader on your side? You've got Frist, Schumer, Hastert and Pelosi on the same side on this issue. That never happens.

Now, I know I love hyperbole, but this might be the single stupidest thing this President has ever done. And that is saying a lot, after all he: choked on a pretzel, crashed a Segway, dropped his dog, invaded a country without provocation or planning, pulled out of Kyoto, broke the FISA law, pressured scientists to deny Global warning, got a DUI, got drunk clearly a long time after he claimed to quit, picked a guy who had three heart attacks to be his Vice President, picked Rachel Dratch to be on the Supreme Court, was a cokehead, demanded tax cuts during wartime, and caught up on some reading on September 11.

In other words, I think I've finally found his successor!!!


Charles Logan '08!

Gone Campin'

"Alright, we've got bug spray, tents, our little flag, canned goods... God, i'm so glad we're naked."

Musings

- I had the flu for the past 4 days, including a particularly bad stretch on Friday where I was actually hallucinating and fading in and out of consciousness like Tim Robbins in Jacob's Ladder. On the plus side, the flu did not knock off 2 more pounds. I'm hoping for a parasite or stomach virus next, just to get ready for the beach. No homo.

- Last night as my Tylenol induced haze started to fade, I managed to catch "Ashley Judd crime thriller #7" on HBO. It starred Judd and (Insert respected black actor) and the basic plot is: Judd plays a ______ who _____ too many _____ and nearly gets ______ by a_____ . Then, _____ ____ Judd in the _____ and the ____ until _____ swoops in and _____ on her _____. Then she cries a little bit and saves the day.

- The NBA all star weekend was indeed FANNNNNtastic, but Andre Iguadola, who is now uncomfortably nicknamed Iggy, got robbed in the dunk contest when he got beat by Nate Robinson. Robinson missed 23 dunks! Also, Iguadola kind of looks like Slingblade; someone's gotta give him a 10 for that alone.

Couple other notes from this weekend's Flu induced TNT fest:

- Reggie Miller has to go down in history as not only one of the most annoying but clearly the most made fun of NBA player in history. First, he is clearly a nerd, down to the looks, cadence, and voice. I mean, when you're on a broadcasting team with a play by play guy and you're the biggest dork, you've got problems.* Second, and I don't think this has been really delved into, but how many of the players that Reggie has played with or against have ever, um.... spent a night in the gym with Reggie's sister Cheryl? 50%? 75%? There's no way you ever live that down. And that finally explains the real reason behind Reggie's rivalry with Spike Lee

- Oh, I hate Kobe Bryant. Either actively rooting against Nate Robinson in the dunk contest while on the sidelines, even dismissively mouthing, "What the fuck" when Nate set up one of his early dunks, or trying to laugh it up with Shaq to show his soft side while Shaq was either trying to decide where to bury Kobe's body or what to eat for his mid mid first quarter snack, Kobe looked like exactly what he is; an egoist who is finally realizing that maybe being an asshole just doesn't work for everyone.

- Walter Mcarty sang the National anthem for All Star Saturday Night. I think that deserves a whole bag of Tommy points.

- Damon Jones apparently fell into paint factory on his way into the arena, where he showed up in a bright red suit, red hat, red tie, and black shirt. He looked like an M&M.

- Hate the Pistons, Hate the Pistons, Hate the Pistons....

- Oh, Magic. Put the uniform away, please. In fact, put away the headset, too.

- Within a 5 minutes span, Yao Ming not only did the worm but, while he and Tracy McGrady were addressing the audience, told the entire crowd in Houston to "...make some noise..." First, the idea of a giant Chinese guy speaking to 20,000 people in Houston outside of some sort of Circus freak show is funny enough, but add the language problems and McGrady's lazy eye, and you've just shattered the unintentional comedy scale.**




* There are about 3 non nerd play by play guys, and they're all named Mike Breen.
** Term stolen from Bill Simmons, who did write a good column on the All Star Game.

Small memories

When I worked on the New Hampshire Presidential Primary campaign of a certain unnamed former Supreme Allied Commander Europe, the campaign's chair was Eli Segal, a fellow Brandeis alum who also helped run President Clinton's first campaign in 1992. Eli would once in a while make small talk with me because I only own shirts purchased at the Brandeis bookstore, and one day he noticed my unshaven face, put his hand to my beard, and said, "Don't worry, I won't tell your mother."

He also created Americorps and was the chairman of City Year, as if helping elect Bill Clinton wasn't enough good for one man to do in his life.

Guns and sharps swords in the hands of.... Senior Bush Administration officials

What is depicted in the picture above?

A) Former US Senator Zell Miller after losing a duel to MSNBC Anchor Chris Matthews

B) Ukrainian President Viktor Yuschenko, after being poisoned by the KGB

C) Austin Attorney Harry Whittington, after being shot in the face by the Vice President of the United States

D) Upper East Side Investment banker Myron Weinstein, after being hit with a tire iron by New York State Attorney General Elliott Spitzer


If you picked C, you are right. Horribly, horribly, right.

Geeze, did somebody open the ark of the covenant?

Politics is often called "Show business for ugly people", but more accurately, it should probably be called "Show business for ugly, arrogant-yet-surprisingly-inadequate, over-educated white people".

In honor of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Moderately Effed presents this exclusive preview of the National Journal's Swimsuit Issue, to be released later this year.

Sellouts

There is so much going on in this article about the corporate and hierarchical structure of Al Queda, but the above few paragraphs are golden.

15 days of sick leave a year? More money if you're married? Even more money if you're married to more than one woman? It's official; Al Queda is a better employer than WalMart.
The sick days make sense, I suppose. Living in a cave and being exposed to all that desert heat and biotoxins has got to be a killer on the immune system, and there is no way Bin Laden is springing for health insurance. Kind of a high risk pool.

Campaign 2044

I was watching the Jeopardy Teen Tournament last night, and despite one of the contestant's being named "Papa", I was able to regroup and set my sights on one of the other competitors, named Andrew Kreitz.

This kid rubbed me the wrong way right off the bat. For one thing, he was wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, which would be ok if he were Jay Leno or a member of the US House of Representatives. Secondly, he spoke very glowingly of his desire to practice corporate law, which at 18 years old has got to send up some sort of red flag. Third, he made a very deliberate attempt to squeeze in his desire to serve in the military, "if there's time." Finally, he mentioned that he wanted to play water polo at Harvard.

Okay, so I now how a lot of Democratic activists have been complaining that we havent been targeting Republican candidates early enough, so I suggest that we start early with this guy. Really early. I'm throwing down the gauntlet; I will do whatever it takes to make sure this guy doesn't get elected to high political office.

But I need help. If you end up on the water polo team with him at Harvard, first, question your place in life, and second, start gathering dirt. If he is the recording secretary of the Young Business/World Domination Club at Princeton, take some pictures of him drinking at little too much at a racially exclusive eating club. If you serve in the military with him, make sure to let me know how he behaves in the Texas Air National Guard meetings.

We start working now to beat this guy.

78 year old Republican attorneys better run

You gotta hand it to the Veep. He avoided the press for four days after he shot a man in the face, and finally threw himself to the journalistic pitbull known as Brit Hume. This man is so careful with his words, he ought to teach a course on obfuscating. He never said the words "I apologize", "I'm sorry", "It was my fault", or "That son of a bitch deserved it".

Hume ended the interview with some questions about Scooter Libby, which Cheney deftly dodged. He then shot Hume in the face.

The Blame Game

Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff appeared in front of the Senate today, but as he entered the chamber, the Senators were too frightened and quickly ran out of the building.

Chertoff is the first prototype of the lesser known Human-Human hybrid, resulting from a previously unknown affair between Frank Perdue and Vincent Price.

In the year 2006...

i·ro·ny (noun) - Vice President shooting 78 year old hunting companion in face, blaming victim, not apologizing for it, causing heart attack in victim.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

My prediction for how the events will unfold: Whittington falls into coma, his wife wants to keep him on life support, but Bill Frist watches a 15 second video of him and decrees that the plug needs to be pulled. Cheney suffers fifth heart attack. Scott McClellan commits suicide. David Gregory goes to a salon. Neil Entwistle becomes the bassist for The Who. Natalee Holloway runs for the legislature in Aruba. Rita Cosby goes for it and finally has the sex change operation. Bill O'Reilly sexually harasses Keith Olbermann. Alan Colmes devours Sean Hannity on set. Brokeback Mountain wins an AVN award. Jerome Bettis enters a hot dog eating contest. Kobe Bryant gets a tattoo on his face. Matt Drudge announces, via siren, that Hillary Clinton once bought dark chocolate instead of white chocolate. Elliott Spitzer joins the law firm of Jacoby and Meyers. Self described "Sex Addict" Kanye West elopes with Wade Boggs. Jamie Foxx is killed in a tragic overexposure accident. WalMart, Google, Myspace.com and Apple merge and form Cyberdyne systems, and on August 29, the machines become self aware. Bill Simmons writes a good column again. A confused President Bush orders the assassination of Erwich on 24. I get a life.

Really explore the studio space

I usually wouldn't link to someone else's blog because I'm an egomaniac, but this is hilarious.

It still amazes me that a 5 minute sketch, featuring Jimmy Fallon nonetheless, became the funniest and most notable SNL sketch of the last ten years, but when Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken combine forces, all bets are off.

Never question Bruce Dickinson!

Everything changes

Prison time has been particularly hard on Saddam Hussein, who has apparently become an Orthodox Jewish woman. Mazel Tov!

He needs you to test his inventions

I feel like I've suffered from a lack of creativity lately, simply linking to news stories and providing insightful and hilarious commentary on them. At any rate, I figured that I would try to to be a little more proactive, by recycling something that I put together about a year ago... That's right, most evil movie villains!

Not just worst villains, like Hitler in Indiana Jones or Darth Vader in Star Wars or Captain Harris in Police Academy, but most evil villains. Extra points if portrayed by an evil actor.
Anyway...

Special shout out to E for collaborating on this list so long ago. And for having the same nerdly tendencies as me.

- John Lithgow (Eric Qualen in Cliffhanger) - Kills his own girlfriend so he can be the only one to fly the helicopter. Has Frank the helicopter pilot gunned down unnecessarily. Speaks with a British accent.

- South African guys (Lethal Weapon 2) - Kill several cops in gratuitous bombings . Kill Mel Gibson's girlfriend (possibly the hottest woman ever) by having her drowned. Torture Mel Gibson and he discovers that they killed his wife. Flaunt diplomatic immunity. Also speak with British accents. Well, South African accents, but whatever.

- Tom Berenger (Sergeant Barnes in Platoon) Kills old woman in village. Threatens young child. Burns down village. Shoots and tries to kill Willem Dafoe. Scars all over face.

- Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal Lechter in Silence of the Lambs) Is a cannibal.

- Peter Greene et al (Zed in Pulp Fiction) Rape Ving Rhames. Ok terrific.

- Kevin Bacon (Sean Nokes in Sleepers) Rapes young boys. Kills inmate because he lost a football game.

- Kevin Spacey (John Doe in Seven) Kills Brad Pitt's wife and then mails him her head.

- William Sadler (Colonel Stuart in Die Hard 2) Kills 300 people by causing a plane crash. Kills a slew of cops. Pisses off sipowicz. Stabs Bruce Willis. Does martial arts calisthenics naked.

- William Sadler (Senator Vernon Trent in hard to kill) leaves Steven Seagal for dead, kills his wife, tries to kill his son. Has shady dealings with stereotypical Italian crime boss. Is a member of the US Congress. Takes things to the bank. Has oversized painting of himself in his house.

- Ted Levine (Jame Gumm aka Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs) Demands the lotion in the basket. Wears human skin as mask. Dances around with a mangina.

- Tim Curry (Pennywise the Clown in It) Causes numerous disasters which kill hundreds of people. Stalks and devours children. Scares Jack Tripper and. Has haunted my dreams since 1990.

- Kevin Spacey (Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspect) He lets the last Hungarian go. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and then he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone.

- Martin Kove (Sensei John Creese in Karate Kid) Shows no mercy.

He traveled with a gun in every hand

Bad week for the Veep. First, it turns out that he instructed Scooter Libby to leak Valerie Plame's identity to the press, then, this weekend Vice President Cheney became the second sitting VP to actually shoot a man, and as he was leaving the hunting grounds he was heard to remark, "You can call me Aaron Burr by the way I'm..."

In related news, what's with the suit? Where is Cheney hunting? Studio 54?

I think the lesson is: The Vice President needs to STOP HUNTING. I'm serious; every time with this guy.

Additionally, "Vice President shoots man in face" has to be the greatest non-Onion political headline ever.

Cheney's mishap set off an hilarious firestorm on the liberal blogs, where some discussed a conspiracy theory, a coverup, and, most humorously, cruelty to animals. In other news, we're still at war.

The Antediluvian Kings

This picture about sums it up. Sort of a "What, me effectively perform the duties for which I was responsible?" look.

Ex-FEMA director Michael "Brownie" Brown testified to the Senate today about the utter failures of the federal government in response to Hurricane Katrina. Additionally, the Senate is getting pretty loose with the term "honorable". To sum up, Brown blamed the Department of Homeland Security and government bureaucracy for the disasterous response to the, umm... disaster. He was promptly assassinated byMichael Chertoff.

It's pretty incredible to watch this woefully inexperienced, inqualified, and way over his head crony attempt to shift all of the blame to Homeland Security, when it has been made very clear that FEMA had no idea what it was doing, and was unprepared and literally not large and organized enough to handle such a disaster, which, while terrible, would have paled in comparison to a chemical, bioterror, or nuclear attack. Makes me feel good about the last 4 years of a post 9/11 United States.

So, a complete collapse in every level of federal government authority, the same authority that is responsible for not only dealing with the aftermath of terrorist attacks, but in the case of Homeland Security, is responsible for stopping terrorist attacks. The White House knew about the levees breaking at least 12 hours before they responded. They also knew that at least 100,000 people in New Orleans would not be able to be evacuated if the levees broke.

Is anyone else wondering if President Logan would have done a better job?

Throw the damn towel!

And Matt Drudge symbolized a whole new meaning to the term: "Slow News Day".
I think he's been getting a little, for lack of a better word, liberal, about what he deems siren worthy.

In a nutshell, Private Investigator/scoundrel to the stars Anthony Pellicano spied on several celebrities by tapping their phone lines and did other very unsavory things. One of the his targets was apparently Sylvester Stallone. Or possibly Frank Stallone.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of intruding into people's lives with with wiretapping and other illegal listening techniques. But sometimes, it's important to our nation's security interests, and maybe if this had been allowed some years ago, we could have avoided what, by all accounts, is a national tragedy.

Insolent Yeti Bitch

For the record, Bono is the worst person who has ever lived. Also, U2 sucks.

It's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it!

They said it couldn't be done, but somehow the laws of physics were shattered when the egos of President Bush and Bono were able to be crammed into the same room. Not since Bill O'Reilly and Donald Trump bumped into each other at Scores has this much arrogance coexisted.

Bono, of course, was a guest at the National Prayer Breakfast, an annual event where Republicans gather to suck up to their base and Democrats attempt to look like they believe in God. Republican Senator Norm Coleman became the first Jewish Senator to cosponsor the Breakfast, while Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman became the first Jewish Senator to order extra lox.

Bono made several jokes, including a reference to his own Messianic complex. He then strapped himself to a makeshift cross and kissed Karl Rove on the mouth. His funniest line of the morning came when he suggested that the United States devote an additional 1% of its budget to helping the world's poor, resulting in 8 minutes of uninterrupted laughter from the audience.

Bush called Bono a "doer" and an "amazing guy". Then they went and finally saw "Brokeback Mountain" together.*


*I apologize for the hackneyed, cliched, and gratuitous "Brokeback Mountain" joke.

Utah Town Has Question About President: 'What's Not to Like?'

More on the State of the Poo-nion later. For now, I direct you here: Utah Town Has Question About President: 'What's Not to Like?'

It's folks like these that make me want to sprinkle Paxil on my morning Cheerios.