The fugitive's name is....

Mel Gibson was pulled over late last week for erratic and fast driving:


Gibson then said: "How dare you! When I came home, there was a man in my house. I fought with this man. He had a mechanical arm. You find this man! Oh, also, I hate Jews."

That's right!

Acclaimed Dr. Richard Kimble lookalike/actor/director/Holocaust denier Mel Gibson got pulled over for drunk driving, and amid the fracas, blamed all the world's violence on the Jews, asked the arresting officer if he was a Jew, and then called another female officer "sugar tits". You know, that's where I draw the line. I have no problem with anti semitism, drunk driving, speeding, or the film What Women Want, but when you use a frankly bizarre sexual harrassing phrase, you're going down.

Noted Jew Abe Foxman criticized Mel's behavior, arguing that it "revealed his true character". Really? I thought making a movie which depicted Jews as bloodthirsty and evil kind of gave a window into his character. But that was just me. Gibson responded, "I didn't kill my wife!!!", to which Foxman shot back, "I don't care!!!" Wait, I'm confused.

Gibson did announce some new projects which will coincide with his recent publicity:

- Gibson will appear as Haman in Purim: Injustice for a Hero
- Mel will host What's wrong with a significant amount of Anti semitism?, FoxNews' upcoming weekend news show.
- Mel will direct: "Across the Atlantic and still... with all these Jews", a biopic of Charles Lindbergh.
- Mel will organize a seminar with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton entitled: You were right! Let's see what we can do about it: Hymietown and Beyond

A little confused, I remember well

I fancy myself a reasonably smart guy. In fact, most people who meet me agree that I fancy myself a reasonably smart guy. Despite my long layoff from attending school and the fact that the majority of my reading is the Metro, the Sullivan County Democrat, and that screen in the elevator of my office building, my confidence in my intellectual ability is high, and probably too high. In short, I'm intellectually cocky.

So, when I received my recent verizon bill in the mail, I was shaken to my core with doubts about my smarts:

I felt like I was reading James Joyce. It got more complicated when I called the Verizon customer service line. It went something like this:

Me: "I don't understand what's going on with the credits. I thought I was getting credited for that."

Verizon woman: "You're an idiot."

A Very Special Thursday News Roundup

- Charles Barkley is mulling a run for Governor of Alabama in 2010. Awesome.

The answer? Every white guy in Alabama. Good luck, Chuck.

- Al Queda commented on the Israeli-Hezbollah standoff, releasing a crudely produced and typically hilarious videotape claiming that they would get involved. They're probably serious, so that's bad news.

- Prince filed for divorce from his second wife. Wait, wife? What? A Prince spokesman acknowledged an impending marriage to N'Sync member Lance Bass.

- And finally, Exxon Mobil, former employer of noted fatso Lee Raymond, posted over $10 billion in profits this quarter. Oil prices are at a record high, and gas is still selling for $3 a gallon. Their income went up over 35% this quarter. I don't feel well.

'Cause we soft spoken, doesn't mean that we've forgotten, your booty smell rotten

Way too much is going on the Middle East this week; Ariel Sharon close to death, the Israelis killed UN peacekeepers in what Kofi "Don't call me Boutros. Boutros." Annan called a "deliberate" attack, and, of course, the biggest news to the people of the USA: an American is wading into the mess.

So Condi's over there, using very un Bush-like measured language; smiling with the Lebanese, yukking it up with Kofi Annan, haggling prices with Ehud Ohlmert... The reality is: what threats can we make and the follow through with? None. Are we going to let the Israelis run wild into Lebanon? Probably not. And we're certainly not going to make them sit on their hands. And both sides know that.

It's not Condi's fault, either. We're in a bad place, and one that couldn't have been fixed by political angling or negotiations. We are in an untangleable alliance with Israel, just or unjust, in a fight that will never end in a handshake or document signing. Clinton had the arrogance to think that he could solve the Mideast crisis in less than one year on the job; it seems that Bush realizes that he, and all of his successors after him, will never be able to solve it. So best to keep up appearances, make his judgements privately, and focus on the real enemy: Gay foster parents.

Tri-an-gulation... Tri-an-gulation

Senator Hillary Clinton continued her quest to return to the White House (this time she'll be allowed to sleep in the Presidential bedroom) with a speech outlining new ideas for the democratic party. Some ideas include: stop being such pussies, have ideas, and continue to stop being such pussies.

But the media hovered on a one line statement that echoed James Carville's "It's the economy, stupid" line from Bill Clinton's 1992 presidential campaign when Hillary said, "It's the American dream, stupid." I assume she's talking about something related to fried cheese, lottery tickets, the PAX network, and those Old Navy American flag t-shirts.

Other discarded slogans:
"It's polling based governing, stupid"
"It's a ghoulish exploitation on the war dead, stupid"
"It's a demonstration of the need for a third party, stupid"
"It's a reason to contribute to Mark Warner, stupid"

Dignity never been photographed

Congratulations, Lebanon! You've just won a new car!!!

As an added bonus of Secretary of State Condoleezzzzzzzza Rice's surprise visit with Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora this morning, hopefully this will add to the ongoing list of embarrassing photos of American leaders with leaders of Rogue nations. Here's a crude recreation of some of the most famous:

Friday News Roundup

- In the "No, I was just shooting that guy to test his bullet proof vest", department, a Plymouth, Massachusetts town selectman, arrested for trying to solicit sex from a teenager on the internet, claimed that he knew about the police sting all along and that he was just testing whether or not they would respond appropriately. The telling quote: ""Sometimes I stick my nose where it shouldn't be." What about your penis? Do you ever stick your penis where it shouldn't be?

- Israel is mulling over putting a full engagement of ground troops in Lebanon, while President Bush is mulling over what world leader to molest next. My hope is Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

- A judge in North Carolina ruled that a state law banning unmarried couples from living together was unconstitutional and must be overturned. So, just a North Carolina recap, cohabitation: legal. Being black: still illegal.

- Not really worldwide news, but my bruised/possibly broken tailbone has almost completely healed. I still can't sit on any hard objects (Hey now!) and have to shift around excessively while at my desk. So, it looks like I'm in the clear until I do something stupid next week.

Taffy stuck and tongue tied

I have a colleague who works in London that I am constantly leaving voice mails for. He never seems to be at his desk, and that, coupled with the fact that he works 5 hours ahead of me, means that I have about a three hour window each day to catch him.

And I never do, which means I have to leave him messages. For some reason, I am completely tongue tied when leaving voice mails for him, and him alone. This a rough sketch of the voice mail I left for him yesterday.

"Hey, (Redacted), it's Dave in Boston. I heard on your voice message that you're not in the office today. I mean on your voice mail phone message thing. Ummm... So, give me a call when you get in tomorrow morning... Well, not when you get in tomorrow morning cause it would be 4 AM here.., but you know, just give me a call tomorrow at some point. All right, bye."

Am I asking trying to ask this guy on a date?

Open letter to the hot girl on the train with me every morning

Dear hot girl on the train with me every morning,

Some would call it coincidence, some would call it happenstance, some would call it stalking, but I call it serendipity. No matter when I get on the T in the morning, there you are, astutely studying your Metro Sudoku section, listening to your Ipod, and I'd assume thinking about bikinis and high heels.

Oh, hot girl on the train with me every morning, one day I will have the courage to cross the great divide that is the middle of the subway car, past the fat commuters from the North Shore and the hipsters from Davis who smell like incense and sweat, and say hello to you. One day you will look up from the Today's Debate section of the Metro and say hello to me.

One question, though. How come you're a different person every day?

Musings

- While shopping for ant traps at the supermarket yesterday, I thought of the most embarrassing products to be purchasing when spotted by an ex or attractive member of the opposite sex:

- Ant traps
- Frozen pizza
- Anti fungal cream
- Wine in a box
- Pornography
- Hemorrhoid medication

- President Bush went off the reservation yesterday and said the word shit while he believed he was off mic talking to Tony Blair. This isn't the first time Bush has cursed in public; he called New York Times reporter Adam Clymer a "major league asshole" and former Secretary of the Treasury Robert Rubin a "fucking beanie wearing yid".

- It's officially reached "holy shit" weather in the Northeast, where it has been in the mid 90's for the past three days. I have previously discussed my aversion to heat and humidity, and I am strongly considering relocating. How's Gaza? I hear Gaza is nice this time of year.

With our rifles and grenades, and some help from God

Round 658 in the Battle of the Deities rolled into critical mass late last week, and besides being disproportionately depressed, I have also been very turned off to the news coverage, which, I suppose not surprisingly, has been overhwelmingly Pro-Israel.

I too, am considerably pro Israel, and I have nearly a vitriolic reaction when I run into the militant free Palestine lefties in the streets of Somerville and Cambridge. Over the weekend, a "Go to hell" nearly left my lips when I abruptly stopped myself and realized: These people are ideologues just like I used to be. These people believe in something, no matter how pie in the sky, impractical, or just plain wrong I might view it to be. And I've been called a babykiller, a terrorist sympathizer, and all those liberal names in the past, so how dare I curse them, show disgust at them, and dismiss them?

The callous answer would be because I'm right, and I certainly believe that to be the case. A fervently violent group takes over political leadership, continues targeting civilians and then physically provokes the Israeli military. Is Israel is supposed to sit on its hands?

The problem is, though, that when God is believed to be on both sides of a war, can either side be fallible? This isn't an capitalism vs. communism battle like we faced between 1945 and 1991, or an imperialism/fascism vs. rule of law battle like the ones we faced between 1914 and 1945. This is a battle between steadfast beliefs in God's will coupled with self and cultural preservation. And biblically speaking, this fight is in the family. It's a battle between brothers; one the scion of a religion and one a bastard outcast and scion of another.

If God was interventionist, this might be the time for him to finally take sides and end this sibling rivalry. But knowing God, he will simply allow Israel, the country and the people, to survive to live and fight another day, to eventually face an oppressor or an opponent even greater than the last, to keep their head above water.

Friday News Roundup

- Showing true patriotic spirit, outed CIA agent Valerie Plame proved she was a real American by doing what Americans do best: she's suing Vice President Cheney, Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby for revealing her identity to the press. Civil suits are much easier to win than criminal cases, so expect her to fight long and hard and spend millions of dollars only to get shot in the face by Dick Cheney. And I'm still not tired of those jokes.

- War continues in the Middle East, where the Lebanese have ceased flexing nuts and are calling for a cease fire with Israel. Israel has effectively destroyed the Beirut airport, ruining my planned summer vacation, thank you very much. It appears that even President Bush is backing off from his full support for Israel, which will undoubtedly cause a coup d'etat led by former Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D(R?)(I?)(Ahole?)-CT), and Jackie Mason.

- Mitt Romney and his hair are attempting to take over the probe into the Big Dig tunnel accident that killed a woman in Boston earlier this week. Unfortunately, he plans on running the probe from a picnic in Iowa. Hundreds of loose bolts were found throughout the dig project, a fact that wins the "Most predictable discovery of the past 10 years" award, previously given to President Bush's admission that he doesn't read the newspaper.

- Ok, so its not news but I had some blood work done yesterday, and the technician was, to say the least, a bit eccentric. Whisky (his real name) thought that he knew me and asked me: "How's your friend? The one with the robot?" When I explained to him that he was mistaken and that we did not know each other, nor did I know anyone with a robot, he realized his error and said, "Oh you look like that dude from Saved by the Bell. No, not Zack. Not Screech. AC Slater, that's it. You look like AC Slater." That's Albert Clifford to you, Whisky.

What is it good for

I'm not really in the mood to joke around too much today.

However, in disproportionate news, I received the first two discs of the 4th season of 24 yesterday, so I will be able to wallow in the rain and my general nervousness in the company of Jack Bauer and David Palmer.

You'd know what a drag it is to see you

Big week in horrifying tragedy for the New York Post! So many opportunities for their witty and laugh inducing headlines -- you've got the guy on the Subway with twin power saws and you've got the guy blowing up his own house so he doesn't have to sell it and give half of the money to his wife. Get that team of writers churning out puns!

I do take issue with this cover story though: You couldn't come up with a more topical movie reference? Really? Honey, I Blew up the Kid? And that sequel was so derivative anyway, the special effects were bad, the hot sister was barely featured... Where was I?

At any rate, not withstanding the death and mayhem that normally lights up the covers of the Post, this week they reached a new level of hilarity, one that I thought could never be reached:

The Hasidic cop headlines that didn’t make the cut:
- Lox and Robbers
- Book ‘em, Shlomo
- Law and Reorder (In fact, I don’t even want it anymore… I’ll have the tuna salad)

They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike, you can lose your mind

So, the Polish President appointed his identical twin brother that country's prime minister. That's good -- keep it in the family. Besides being supremely creepy, the rule of the brothers, whose last name "Kaczyński" (while being historically humorous to Americans) I believe roughly translates to "Bush" in English. Also, there are significant fears that this appointment will mark a push towards nationalism in Poland, as well as inventions like the solar powered flashlight and the screendoor on a submarine. Rimshot!

The best part of this whole little fiasco is that Lech Kaczyński, the President, can be distinguished from his brother Jaroslaw, the Prime Minister, by the mole on his cheek. Awesome. Do we need any more evidence that these guys are evil? Do they have to start purging communists and Jews before the UN steps in or does Jaroslaw get to grow a Fu Manchu and start wearing a monocle?

I realize that I have been writing a lot of politically tinged articles recently. I'll try to mix in some uproarious observational humor soon.

Richard Nixon back again

The Gods must be smiling upon the 22nd congressional district in Texas, where former Representative/exterminator/Hammer/crook Tom Delay is considering running for his just vacated seat if the local courts don't allow his name to be replaced on the ballot.

Delay originally quit Congress because he didn't want the race to be a "partisan" battle and wanted the voters to decide the race on the issues not on his explosive personality. Now that's out the window, so bring on the partisanship and insanely dirty campaigning!

The Democrats are pretty excited to have Delay running for reelection, but, knowing the Democratic Party, and the fact that we're talking about Texas, I would imagine that Delay will win in a landslide and then repeat his resignation process a few more times over the next several years, exciting the media and pissing off members of the Texas delegation who will keep having to pay for going away party chocolate cake.

Friday News Roundup

- President Bush turned 60 yesterday, and he celebrated it by appearing on Larry King Live, where King grilled him and his wife and he deftly handled questions about the war in Iraq and other foreign policy troubles. Ha! The only way he would have had more softballs is if he went on Inside the Actor's Studio.

- Evidence indicates that one of the North Korean missiles that was fired earlier this week was headed in the general direction of Hawaii, prompting Matt Drudge to declare that the missile was fired at Hawaii and Sean Hannity to claim that Howard Dean was actually sitting atop the missile. Which is it guys -- are we supposed to be afraid or not afraid? Are we paying attention to these guys now or is Hugo Chavez harboring Al Queda?

- France and Italy will meet in the World Cup final, setting up the world record for most guys in a single place most likely to steal your girlfriend. No word if Germany is facing a drastic shortage of hair products or cologne.

- And finally, Mexico has a new a President Felipe Calderón, who not only won the election by a razor thin margin but also won "Most likely to be the name of a Miami Vice villain", previously awarded to the aforementioned Venezeluan President Hugo Chavez.

Musings

- This banner ad accompanies the logoff page of one of my oft visited webpages:


I have previously discussed Jillian, the star of the Biggest Loser, and I believed I referred to her as "crazy hot". I take that back. Attention women: That is too much! She looks like David Lee Roth.

- Speaking of transgenders, sitemeter.com gives me a list of how people accessed my blog, and this recent google search that resulted in moderatelyeffed.blogspot.com is hilarious:


- Ken "Kenny Boy" Lay died yesterday, and in his White House press conference, Tony "Tony" Snow referred to Lay as President Bush's acquaintance, and rebuked the idea that they were "friends". He did however admit that they were gay lovers. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. No, he didn't.
But seriously, Lay died of a heart attack, probably caused by the stress of his conviction and impending time in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Jeff Skilling is now left to bear the brunt of the jury's wrath; here's hoping they sentence him to Oz.

- Along with a great barbecue for the 4th, several friends and I climbed Mount Monadnock in New Hampshire to celebrate Independence Day and our day off. To me, the real American way to celebrate the holiday would have been to sit in front of the television watching MTV all day and eating cheese products, but I was outvoted, so we hiked instead. We all emerged from the hike rejuvenated and unscathed, save (predictably) me -- I bruised my tailbone slipping off the side of a wet rock. That's right. I literally busted my ass. I should have watched a Real World marathon instead.

Concentric and interlocking circles poised to attack US; blurry smokestacks loom ominously

Hey, CNN published a confusing headline picture!

At any rate, North Korea tested a long range missile capable of hitting the US, and somewhat predictably, it failed nearly immediately. Well, that's good, now we can write them off and focuse on the real enemy: The New York Times.

The North Koreans also tested several short range missiles, capable of hitting Japan and other nearby nations. In response, the White House said: "Saddam Hussein was a grave and imminent threat to international security".

Or you got a wicked jump shot

In honor of the 4th of July, here's a goofy headline from today's New York Times:


No word if President Bush immediately rushed to the scene to "sniff out" the problem.

That's it for me until Wednesday!

She lives with a broken man

Most of us have aspirations to be our own person, to create our own life, our own success, and to have the very American ideals of independence and freedom. For too long, society did not allow women to share in these ventures and pursuits, and relegated them ostensibly to support roles, both professionally and personally. And over the past 150 years, America's most famous women and heroic women were the ones who broke through those barriers and created lives, careers, and futures for themselves.

But, not Laura Bush. As First Lady, she has been the antithesis of Hillary Clinton, and for that matter Barbara Bush. She was never an ambitious political leader, never outspoken, and never brazen like her predecessors. Hillary Clinton targeted a grandiose issue like health care, Laura Bush took aim at relatively unsexy illiteracy.

The result? Laura's approval rating has always been through the roof, judged by most to be at least in the 80's. Reading into that is disappointing; is it because she's disarming and charming? Partially, but morever her popularity is so high because she is what Americans want in a First Lady, and sadly, what a lot of Americans want in a woman leader. In a way, President Bush is the perfect President for the United States -- uneducated, affable, incurious, and macho, and Laura plays the role of the perfect First Lady -- smiling, demure, and reserved.

But watching the administration and the President struggle over the past year and a half or so and reading the accompanying ridiculous rumors of a Laura/George split and a George/Condi affair has got to get you thinking; as a woman who is solely defined by her relationship to her husband, how does she deal with his ultimate failure? Does she have the same kind of blinders on that he does, or is she aware not only that the supermajority of Americans do not trust or approve of her husband, but that a large minority absolutely detests him like no President before?

Beyond the psychological rat's nest that all must cause, then there's the other rumors -- among others that the President has fallen off the wagon and that he's mentally ill. How does someone like Laura Bush who never wanted this kind of life deal with all of this? How does she get past all the vicious criticism of the man she clearly adores? Not that I'm particularly sympathetic, but reading the front pages of the tabloids gets you thinking: what if it was you?

All in all, I get very depressed when I think about Laura Bush. She is married to a man who is absolutely hated by tens of millions of Americans and will most likely leave office as a complete failure. But moreover, her personality and related popularity is so disappointing; America still wants women who are quiet and unopinionated. Unbelievable.