Yeah, I really do think

President Bush gave a speech today where talked about the wage gap between the rich and the poor, uncertain economic times, and the general unfairness of executive salaries. What the fuck? Is Dick Cheney hibernating?

The President also took the time to leer awkwardly at nubile Wharton grads (see above) patriotically pander to members of the NYPD, and also to "ring that great big bell that I heard about".

In other news, five suspicious packages were found strewn throughout Boston this afternoon, including one about two blocks from my office, causing Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick to call the hoax "not funny". Way to take a stand, Deval! As a side note, I hereby bequeath all of my belongings to my mom. Phil, you can have my student loan debt.

See what had happened was...

Blogger has been busting my balls for the past couple of days, with frequent outages and inaccessability. But hey, it's a free service.

I'm particularly busy over these few weeks, so hopefully I'll be back soon, with a vengeance. And other cliches.

Dumb CNN headline of the day

Meanwhile:

- Sen. Christopher Dodd, right, dozes off.
- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, not pictured, politically calculates.
- Sen. Barack Obama preens.

The State of the Union

After last year's obsesseive marathon minute by minute rundown of the President's State of the Union, I decided this time to try to recreate the magic that was that night. However, after realizing that I was a lot funnier in January of 2006, I changed my mind. So, here are some observations, less plentiful.

8:56: Barack Obama entered the hall and hugged an unidentified black Congressman, an image I'm sure no other democratic candidate for President will secretly distribute at pancake breakfasts in Nashua, New Hampshire.

9:00: Chris Matthews introduces "The first woman Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Who is a woman." Very inciteful.

9:04: Secretary of Commerce and noted moustache Carlos Guittierez enters the hall, runs away from Tom Tancredo.

9:14: Bush prays for the speedy recovery of "Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood. Well, not Johnson."

9:18: The President plans to eliminate the federal deficit within five years. His plan? Fire all the democratic members of Congress.

9:21: Ted Kennedy is asleep.

9:24: Bush outlines a health care plan that no one in the chamber understands. Seriously, what the fuck?

9:26: "Medical decisions should be left to patients and their doctors." Ha ha! He's joking!

9:30: Mispronunciation of nuclear (NOO-qu-ler) and vehicle (VEE-hicle).

9:31: Wood chips again?

9:32: Hey, aren't we at war?

9:34: 9/11!

9:46: "We didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan to allow them safe haven in Iraq." Actually, we didn't drive Al Queda out of Afghanistan.

9:50: So Cheney's wearing a purple tie?

9:54: Darfur and Burma, Belarus and Cuba. Who's speaking again?

9:54: "We must fight HIV AIDS especially on the continent of Africa."
Cue...... Black guy!

9:57: DIKEMBE MOTUMBO!!!!!

I need to catch my breath.

10:00: Bush introduces Wesley Autrey, the New Yorker who saved a stranger's life by shielding him from an oncoming subway train. Autrey stands, blows kisses to the crowd, and then... pounds his chest and points at Motumbo. Lynne Cheney inches away. Holy cow! Greatest SOTU moment ever, just nudging out last year's standing ovation after Bush admitted defeat on Social Security.

Ha ha ha bless your soul

Yesterday morning, John "Escalatio" McCain appeared on Meet the Press, to discuss the Iraq War, the upcoming Presidential campaign, and to receive the "Most appearances on Meet the Press" award, a contest in which he barely beat out his closest competitor, Tim Russert.

At any rate, McCain delivered his support for upcoming surge in troops with the enthusiasm of a coma patient, possibly because he is realizing that hey, maybe 20,000 troops won't do anything except result in a couple hundred of them dying, and that he's going to be lassoed with it when he starts running hard for the Presidential nomination. Towards the end of his segment, he reiterated what I believe is the most hilarious rational for continuing our engagement in Iraq: if we leave, Al Queda and the terrorists will follow us home.

How stupid does the Republican Party believe Americans are? There are about a million reasons why we have to succeed, in some form, in Iraq -- millions of Iraqi's could die, Iran could exert military and political influence, etc... and you pick the reason that sounds like you're narrating a public service announcement for kids so they don't get kidnapped?

A quick note: The terrorists know where we live! They attacked us a bunch of times.

I've sat upon the setting sun, but never, never, never... I never wanted water once

Quick note to Matt Drudge: We all get it. It's cold out. And thanks for the irony lesson.

Due to the fact that within the past year, the world seems to have finally decided that global warming actually exists, conservative pundits everywhere seem to be pointing to the fact that it is cold. Hey, dipshits, it's winter. It's supposed to be cold. This is straight out of the Tom Delay "I'm not corrupt because I am not currently receiving a bribe as I am talking right now" school.

Simply because it's no longer 70 degrees in Central Park doesn't exactly mean 50 years of scientific study (and one ego trip of a movie with that guy from Tennessee who was a Senator) is bunk. In fact the two things have nothing to do with each other. Now if the polar ice caps started freezing again and Patagonia was no longer grass covered and people could breath in Los Angeles and we weren't being bent over oil barrels by sheiks, well, maybe then it would be time to give Exxon tax breaks. Go fuck yourselves.

Mama said there'd be days like this

After the first two hours of 24 on Sunday night, which I watched with a group of people, there was some discussion about how unbelievable the show was – literally, not figuratively in that, “Holy smokes, this mojito is unbelievable” way, but in the “every thing Tony Snow says is unbelievable” way.

For sure, the show remains exciting, exhilarating, exasperating, and some other words I would throw in if had a dictionary open to e’s, but the first two hours seemed so beyond the pale, so unbelievable, much like most of the last season.

So what happens? How’s this for reality: They nuke Los Angeles and Jack Bauer shoots his former partner in the neck, killing him, to save a former terrorist. And I fuckin ate it up. I loved it. My mouth was agape, literally, not figuratively. So I feel like I should stop complaining about realism and believability as long as there is a glimmer of possibility, as long as I’m being entertained.

Some musings, as I attempt to regain creativity….

- Per the above paragraphs, I’d like to officially announce the winner of the Tony Almeida/Curtis Manning/Jack Bauer bad ass motherfucker-off, which I first discussed during last season. And the winner is…. Jack Bauer! Hands down winner.

- I have started a new blog, where I will post slightly pretentious photos that I have taken with my flashy new digital camera. It can be found here. If anyone would like to purchase any of the photos you see on the blog, send an email to daveisdreaming@notachanceinhell.yeahright.

- Barack Obama joined the Presidential fray yesterday, which is great because it will be great to have a Democratic candidate who has a soul, a brain, and a personality. Here’s an easily readable matrix to keep track:

I had a dream, he said

Ain't talkin', just walkin'

Moderately Effed is going to be taking a break for a short while...

I don't have a real good exucse, except to say that once again, I have hit an unfunny patch. So I'll be back, soon.

Manhattan stinks; news media finally notices

An apparent natural gas leak has infested the entire island of Manhattan, causing... oh, I don't even care anymore. Bring on the fart jokes!

Speaker Pelosi sworn in; immediately takes outgoing Senator Rick Santorum's children hostage

Do political staffers even think about the photos that will appear the next day anymore? Didn't Dukakis in the tank and Kerry windsurfing teach press advance anything? HOW DO YOU ALLOW THIS PHOTO OP?

It's a big week in Washington, again, where the Bush administration hemmorhage continues. John Negroponte slides over to the State Department, Harriet Miers is out as White House maid (I mean counsel), and General Casey is on his way out of Iraq because he disagrees with the President on what to do in Iraq. Ha! In related news, Laura Bush is staying but Barney the dog has been transferred to the Department of Energy.

It seems we lose the game before we even start to play

Our long national nightmare is over, the Winter of our content is in full swing, and I have a sinus infection/stomach ache that has made me slightly delirious and lugubrious. That's right everyone, the Democrats are taking power! Hooray! You know what that means? A whole new era of feigning indignance and incompetent leadership, except this time the Speaker will wear colorful and sharp pant suits!

And let's go live to Matt Drudge for the completely unbiased reporting of the first Speakerette of the House:


Sure, I was really excited for the entire month of December, and I took full credit for the victory as the only way the Democrats won was that I was not involved in any campaign in any way, but is it really possible to get excited about Nancy Pelosi, beyond the barrier breakingness (?) of her leadership position? I mean, Harry Reid is one thing because he once choked a guy, but Nancy Pelosi?

In other excited congressional news, George Allen, JD Hayworth, and Rick Santorum are no longer members of the US Congress, and in Minnesota a Muslim is about to be sworn into the House of Representatives on a Koran, hopefully causing Sean Hannity to jump out the window of the Hannity and Colmes studio.

I wondered if my name had changed into something more productive

I'm back!

So the hits just keep on a comin' from the crazy crazy world of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, where this week a senior aide argued that Adolph Hitler's parents were both Jews, his mother a prostitute, and that his father actually changed his name to Hitler, presumably from something less dictatorial, possibly Khan.


Besides the generally hilarious idea of a Jewish prostitute, which is the basis for the next Mel Brooks movie, tentatively titled 25 Krone And You Want to Put it Where? I don't think so, the aide also suggested that along with leading the Holocaust, Hitler was also behind the founding of Israel, sort of in the same vein as OJ's "I loved her so much that I had to kill her" philosophy.

Leave it to the Iranians to not only suggest that Hitler's mother was a Jewish prostitute and that his mistress was also Jewish, but that his mother's promiscuity actually led to his hatred of Jews and eventually the holocaust. So, it's all the Jews' fault because in the early 1900's there was a slutty Jewish woman parading around Austria. I'm guessing somewhere in Murray Hill our next great tyrant is about to be conceived?