More gone than Freeman

All right folks, I'm heading home for the Christmas holidays. Posting will be sporadic, and probably not funny, because I'll be sleeping 12 hours a night and not getting much inspiration. Although the blog was much funnier when I was unemployed, so maybe my best stuff will come next week. Stay tuned!

However, before I sign off, I have to comment on one of the weirdest stories of the year, and in a year where the Vice President of the United States shot a man in the face, a disgruntled Yankee pitcher flew a plane into the Upper East Side, a Congressman was outed as a pedophile, and the Democrats won an election cycle, that's saying a lot.





What the eff is up with Donald Trump? Rosie O'Donnell makes some really stupid jokes about his hair and his moral failings and he absolutely launches into one of the most disgusting and abhorrent personal attacks that I have ever witnessed, referring to her as physically ugly, fat, disgusting, a failure and a loser. Then he said that he would send of his friends to steal away Rosie's girlfriend. Sigh.


I hope to God this is just an attempt to boost the ratings of their respective shows, The View and The Apprentice, and that the two of them entered into some sort of pact to bash each other in order to bring attention to themselves, because if not, well, Trump is an exponentially worse human being than I had ever previously thought. And that's saying a lot.


Merry Christmas!

I've got one thing to say

Clinton-Obama '08!!!

Keep on playing those mind games forever

It's a banner week for President Bush! First, in an interview with the Washington Post, admitted that "we're not winning, we're not losing" the War in Iraq, later adding, "But we're really bringing our A game. We've got something to prove out there. I know that we've faced a lot of adversity, but we're really leaving it all out there on the field."

At right around the same time this week (maybe he accidentally caught a news broadcast), The President announced his intentions to change his military strategy in Iraq in an attempt to tamp down the violence and bring our troops home. How does he plan on bringing our troops home? By sending more troops to Iraq. At least he's recognizing there's a problem. That's step one in his recovery from being addicted to incompetence.

So, Bush's strategy for sending more troops? Slavery! No, sorry, I read that wrong. He suggested increasing the size of the military. John Kerry responded that only an idiot or someone who wanted to run for President 35 years later would join the military, and Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, Mitch McConnell, Newt Gingrich, and Bill O'Reilly scrambled to a dictionary to look up the term "serving in the military."

An open letter to the guy who put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet of my office building bathroom

Dear guy who put an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet of my office building bathroom:

What the fuck?

Best,
Dave

Holy crap what a copout

Seriously?



Time Magazine has reached a new stratosphere of sycophancy, previously reserved for Larry King and James Lipton. I admit, it's kind of an off year, with the most notable American political leader having bug eyes, but seriously? That's three out of the past four years with this nebulous shit -- the American soldier, Good Samaritans, and now, you? You can't possibly mean me. I'm lazy, 15 pounds overweight and I write a blog.

Other finalists for Time's Person of the Year Award:

- Your Penis -- Yes, your penis. It's huge.
- Your abs -- have you been working out? I thought so. Yeah, it really shows.
- Your girlfriend -- she's hot. I am very envious of you and all the sex that you are able to have with her.
- Your recent presentation at work -- That killed! Mike and Bob loved it. Seriously, they did. Did you see how they were nodding and laughing at all the right times?

Friday News Roundup

- Political ghouls everywhere had to sheath their claws as it seemed Senator Tim Johnson (D-angerously close to causing a 50-50 split in the Senate) got through his brain hemorrhage surgery safely. Rampant speculation had South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds appointing a replacement for Johnson, President Bush declaring a war on brain hemorrhage surgeries, and Harry Reid choking the brain hemorrhage.

- The legislature in New Jersey approved Gay unions in that state. The decision comes a bit too late for Vito Spatafore, but just in time for Jim McGreevey to get married, run for another political office, and then humiliate his new family. Everybody wins! Oh, except his new family. And his old family. And the people of New Jersey.

- Senator John Kerry (D-umbass) continues his whirlwind tour of the Middle East, where I'd imagine he's parasailing and eating grape leaves stuffed with caviar. Kerry is in the region trying to embarrass President Bush while simultaneously torpedoing his own national credibility, a traveling roadshow he patented during the 2004 Presidential campaign. God speed!

- There's trouble with Miss USA winner Tara Conner, besides the fact that she is a pageant winner from a pageant that's run by Donald Trump. Apparently, she has been misbehaving in "New York City bars", including getting naked at Scores. Isn't that a stepup from Miss USA?

- A hunter in Wisconsin killed a deer that had 7 legs and male and female reproductive organs. There are so many good parts to the story, but the funniest is that he didn't shoot it, he ran over it with his truck. Because a 7 legged hermaphroditic deer doesn't have the breakaway speed that normal deer have.

Drudge revisited

Ok, I admit it. I read Matt Drudge several times a day. I can't help it. I've even written about it, multiple times.

Today, I came across this particularly hilarious photo:


The Speakerette's wax dummy looks stunning in that pink suit, doesnt she?

IIll tell them what the smile on my face meant

"Don't touch the hair! Also, the holocaust never happened. What what?"

Iran finished up its Holocaust conference yesterday, and just in time, because I can't wait to hear what conclusions they reached!!! Gas chambers? Nah, just steam baths. Medical experiments? That was just universal health care. Starvation? Physical fitness. Mass graves? Ok, those were mass graves, but the Nazis needed a place to bury all the people who died happy deaths after all the physical fitness, universal health care, and steam baths.

It was a veritable who's who of Holocaust deniers at Ahmadinejad's meet and greet, including Mahmoud, former Louisiana state rep and nutjob David Duke, and a French guy and an Austrian guy who have been arrested for continually denying the holocaust. Unfortunately, Pat Buchanan couldn't deliver the keynote address because he was busy murdering illegal immigrants.

Every world leader practically knocked each over to deliver the most outraged statement, with Tony Snow calling the conference "an affront to the entire civilized world", Tony Blair recoiling he was shocked "beyond belief", and Saddam Hussein saying, "Ha ha. Good choice on that whole invasion thing."

A slip of the tongue

Once again, I present: Funny ways people have accessed my blog.

Number 1:



Sounds like an exciting new porn fetish to me.

And, number 2:


So this would explain all the pedophilia in Congress, huh?

Before you call me any dirty names, you better think twice

The cultural elite over at the New York Post had some fun with Photoshop today (seriously guys, don't you have a better graphic artist? It's clearly the same monkey), blasting the Iraq Study Group for suggesting that US forces should leave Iraq. Let us bask in the glow of the intelligence of Niles Lathem and the New York Post news division. Oh, the poll at the bottom of the front page of their website today? Another example of cutting and running:

It's always fun when both the left and the right come out against something the way that many on both sides have come out swinging against the Iraq Study Group report. The Democrats exulted the report before it was released and now some on the left are backpedaling from it. President Bush predictably treated it with kid gloves and now has Tony Snow suggesting that Baker and Hamilton have ostensibly coopted and embraced the Bush administration's position on Iraq.

Here are a couple of musings:

- Aren't there any other retired Democratic Congressman with foreign policy credentials? Seriously, Lee Hamilton is everywhere! Has he become the Peter North of national commissions?

- I was hoping so much that President Bush would accuse James Baker of supporting "cut and run", causing Baker to grow his fangs and bite the President in the neck, and then ultimately resulting in a George HW Bush tearfest. But, alas.

- Tony Snow rejected the Report's call to engage with Syria and Iran, saying that such diplomacy would delay the administration's plans to invade both countries and plunge the entire Middle East into "a pit of burning hellfire, a pre apocalytpic nightmare, and the ultimate descension and reascension of the Messiah. Helen, I may have said too much."

People staring, they know you've been broken

"No thanks, I'll wait for the movie."

Not a great week for the President or the "Bush Doctrine". Mustachioed Walrus and UN Ambassador John Bolton resigned, Secretary of Defense nominee Robert Gates admitted we weren't winning the War in Iraq, George HW Bush broke down and cried while praising his other son, the Iraq Study Group released its report, and "How I Met Your Mother" was a repeat.

Bush family confidant evil James Baker led the commission, so maybe the President thought this would be the entire text of the report:

"You're doing a great job. Keep on doing what you're doing. How's Laura and the twins? Yeah? They are a handful at this age, you know, trying to figure out what they want to do... I did watch that Cowboys game on Sunday. I don't think Vanderjagt would have made that kick. No, I haven't seen Borat yet! I know, everyone tells me its hilarious, I have to see it, blah blah blah... I just haven't gotten around to it. Well, I've been busy."

At any rate, the report was not nearly as friendly as Bush and his good time buddies would have liked, and fell short of setting a timetable for withdrawal but did suggest all US troops should be gone by the beginning of 2008, and closed the report by saying: "Foreign policy is doomed to failure -- as is any action in Iraq -- if not supported by broad, sustained consensus." Bush responded, "Yeah, right!" and then invaded Lee Hamilton's house.

Forgive you, why? You hung me out to dry

Ahhh, President Bush. In the days before the election and his abrupt firing of Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President had just a week before voiced full support for, Rumsfeld prepared a memo suggesting a sea change in Iraq, including a drawdown of troops among other options. Not surprisingly, Rumsfeld was fired.

I don't shed any tears for Rumsfeld, who was not the puppet Colin Powell was in the leadup to the war but an ideological leader. Rumsfeld, along with Cheney and Wolfowitz, were the architects of this war and not simply loyal cheerleaders. They deserve what comes to them, whether it be public hatred, loss of status, or loss of power.

However, it seems just so predictable that when they steadfast ideologue Rumsfeld shows the smallest sign of pragmatism, he gets canned. Did Rumsfeld, who for three years referred to nearly every attempt to criticize the war effort as unpatriotic, finally open his eyes? Or, did Rumsfeld see the writing on the wall and realize that since he was heading out the door anyway he might want to try to save some of his legacy?

Conclusions, from a historical perspective?

This is where things start, going bad

Remember the Democrats demagoguing the 911 commission, chiding President Bush for not listening to all of its suggestions and simply making political and not security decisions? Remember how the Democrats promised to enact all of the 911 commission's suggestions if they were to win control of Congress? Remember how the Democrats won control of Congress? And how about those 911 commission suggestions? Hold your horses, Lee Harvey.

That's right, Congressional Democrats are balking on the most involved change suggested by the 911 commission, the reorganization of the intelligence capabilities of Congress itself. According to unidentified Democratic aides, Congress will simply study a potential reorganization, and if history is any lesson, they will study it and study it and study it and then decide against it.

The rumored reason? Because of the boneheaded decisions by Nancy Pelosi to fight for Jowely crooked Congressman Jack Murtha for Majority Leader and bearded crooked Congressman Alcee Hastings for Intelligence Chair, she lost her political clout before she even takes the Speaker's gavel. And now because Murtha is going to get control of the Appropriations defense subcommittee, Pelosi wouldn't want to piss her good and crooked friend off by taking away some of his money and power.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss...