You've got such a dirty mind, and it never ever stops (and, for that matter, you don't taste like her, and you never ever will)

Alright! I confess! I relent! I am so ridiculously enthralled by Laguna Beach and I watch it every time I come across it. Does this make me a high-school girl? A completely gay man? A pedophile? I don't know. And frankly I don't care--as long as it's choice c). No way do I want to go back to high school and I just can't get into the schlong. (Sorry, Serge, that's my way of saying it's over.)

Honestly--this is a show filled with the most obnoxious, spoiled, catty young people you have ever seen in your life. And several of them are hot. And their parents are funktastulously wealthy and they have vomitously amazing SoCal houses. and they seem to just hang out on the beach all day and eat at expensive restaurants and host barbecues by their endless pools. And they all fuck one another. How could you ever conceive of a better show?

That's it. I'm making it my mission to convince a camera to follow me around all day.

(Also, two big pedophile thumbs up for the new PSP commerical that features the two animated dustballs that speak with Cheech and Chong accents. It includes the line, "I can't. I'm watching carpet.")

You're an idiot, babe

My favorite story of the year.

Im not sure what I'm more amazed about; this guy's balls or his stupidity.

Traveling the Fishkill

You know when you go on vacation to Vermont for a couple days and a motherfucker kills all your pet fish?

Yeah.

I can't blame Quint too much--I kinda like the bastard. (Full disclosure: he lived on my couch for the past two weeks.) But there I was, tapping some ass in Vermont (tapping some ass, v trans.: playing a board game in a motel room with one's family), and the man appears on my cell phone. "Hold on a minute, baby," I say.

"What?" say Mom and Dad.

"Nevermind. Quint! What shakes?"

"Uh, hey, ahh, your catfish are dead."

"Oh, oh well. That sucks." And it did indeed suck. Not suck like "Wow! Dad just left town with the 13-year-old neighbor girl" suck, but suck like "The Mets just traded for Anthony Young" suck. It's a low-level suck that lingers for a long time. It's like the new King Kong.

(ADD note: Good god, Stacked is the best show ever. It features Christopher Lloyd and Pamela Anderson's breasts, Carnegie and Andrew, the Mellon twins.)

So right. Lost two catfish, which was disappointing but not too disappointing, because they'd only been part of the family for about a week. They didn't even have names. And one of them ate another fish the night we got them. But still. It was like losing those weird cousins who've killed someone and were assholes at family gatherings but were family nonetheless. I got over it, and lost the board game. The next day when Quint told me I lost the little black one, that was rough. She'd been pregnant. So we didn't just lose one fish. We lost six hundred.

Then today during breakfast he's kind enough to tell me we've lost Monroe and Gandhi, the guppies. The original two. The only two that had names to begin with. So now I sit here with only two nameless little suckers remaining in a tank that's covered with algae. Quint, what the hell did you do? I know you hate fish--after all, you were eaten by one--but these were freshwater fish! They're different!

Goddamn. Now I have to spend the rest of my night up to my elbows in algae.

"Hey, you! I know you! I know you!"

To preface this, I am an enormous Saturday Night Live fan. I started watching it regularly when I was about 10, and because of my bookish ways until late in high school, I somehow managed to catch almost every episode, as well as the repeats on Comedy Central. I loved the show, and grew up at the right time just as the Phil Hartman/Dana Carvey/Mike Myers/Chris Farley team was coming together.

So I was as guilty as everyone else was in not only loving The Chronicles of Narnia rap from last week's Saturday Night Live, but also in joining in the echo chamber in saying that it was the only memorable thing the show has done since the Cowbell sketch in 2000, which, at least according to E! Entertainment television, was the 5th best sketch ever. More on that later.

First, there's a problem with the premise of comparing SNL now to SNL in the mid 70's (Murray, Belushi) , early 80's (Murphy, Crystal), late 80's/early 90's (Hartman/Carvey/Myers/Farley), and then late 90's (Ferrell/Hammond). Between each of those periods of pantheon comedy there were awful, awful seasons. 1978-1980, 1983-1986, 1993-1997, and from 2002-present were all real lean years. It's impossible to keep a consistently funny cast together for several years, and new blood usually takes a while to get funny. There is always a downturn after heavyweights leave the show, and sometimes for a few years after new stars join the show (Ferrell and Hammond in the early years) So, Ferrell, Kattan, Gasteyer, and Fallon leave, and the show is going to have some bumps.

But, since Ferrell left, there have been some genuinely hilarious sketches, maybe none of which reach epic levels, but still definitely laugh out loud. The entire Justin Timberlake Episode, the The Barry Gibb Talk Show (Despite the prominent involvement of Jimmy Fallon), and Debbie Downer at Disney World, just to name a few.

Now E! Entertainment television did a top 101 list of the best SNL moments about two years ago, but reran it incessantly over the last several weeks and this time I paid attention. All they show now are compilation list shows, bad episodes of SNL, two year old Howard Stern repeats, and the Gastineau Girls. While I'm on the subject, E! has been big disappointment since they started airing SNL. They never show any episodes before 1999, and their editing sucks. At any rate, their top 101 had some glaring problems.

First of all, Tracy Morgan makes the list. Twice! Automatic grounds for disqualification. Had Horatio Sanz been on the list at all, I might have blown up the E! building. Secondly, they showed about 6 seconds of each clip, and rarely the really funny parts. Finally, and expectedly because they probably had the same idiots who decide their programming deciding how to rank the skits, the list is all out of wack.

It seems that they made a concerted effort to try to include every major player a couple of times, and that led to the absurdly high ranking of 13 to a skit called The Sensitive Naked Man with Rob Schneider which most people hardly remember, although I do because I'm a nerd. The worst offenders on the list are #10, the Partridge Family vs. The Brady Bunch, which was funny but not that funny, and the Boston Teens sketch at #11. This is atrocious. Now, granted, I can't stand Jimmy Fallon, but how in the world are you ranking the Boston Teens ahead of the Church Lady, ahead of Buckwheat Has Been Shot, and ahead of any skit featuring John Belushi, Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase or Gilda Radner? The 70's and early 80's did get shortchanged, but come on, you couldn't come up with one more sketch that was better than Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz laughing while they mess up their lines and talking like they were from Revere?

Also, they left off nearly all of the very memorably political sketches. Reagan turning out to a genius, the Bush/Gore debates in 2000, the Dukakis/Bush debate in 1988, the Clinton/Bush/Perot debates in 1992, Bob Dole on the Real World, any Darrell Hammond Clinton sketch, and Teve Torbes on Nightline. And they ranked the Clinton at McDonalds sketch 100.

It would clearly take too long and reveal too much about how much of a nerd I really am to throw in my two cents on all of their mistakes, but I will list my top 5 sketches. Let the ridiculing of how much time I exactly do have on my hands begin.


5. Chippendales Audition (9 on E!) Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze. "You see, it's just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique - like Adrian's - whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby." This sketch was one of Farley's first, and it shows how far he was willing to go to get laughs. And not just cheap laughs.

4. Dead Honky (37 on E!) - Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase. "Honky Honky!" "Nigger!" "Dead Honky" Richard Pryor is just incredible in this scene, and the look on his face when he starts to realize what's going on and gets pissed off is undescribable.

3. Ebony and Ivory (7 on E!) - Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo. "You are blind as a bat and I have sight, side by side you are my amigo, negro, let's not fight!" Eddie looks and sounds exactly like Stevie Wonder and Piscopo is hilarious.

2. White Like Eddie (41 on E!) Eddie Murphy. "Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free." Eddie disguises himself as a White guy and gets a free newspapers, prostitutes on the crosstown bus, and a free mortgage with no identification or collateral.

1. Synchronized Swimming.* (67 on E! ) Martin Short, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer. "I'm not that strong a swimmer." A Spinal Tap style mockumentary about Harry Shearer and a mentally retarted Martin Short preparing for the 1988 Summer Games in synchonized swimming, which is not an event.

*This one is very obscure. I don't think I've seen the sketch in 5 years or so, and with the popularity of Best in Show and A Mighty Wind, I'm amazed that this hasn't resurfaced. Just an unbelievable sketch.

Musings

- On Friday, I again ran into the way-too-hot-to-be-working-at-a-toll-booth-on-the-Mass-Pike lady that I mentioned before. Has anyone else seen this woman or am I hallucinating? Anyway, once again I smiled and said thank you and then drove west. Maybe next time.

- I saw the movie the Producers today, and at the end of the movie, there was a smattering of applause throughout the theater. I still do not understand this. Who is this for? Although the projectionist and usher did take a curtain call.

- Outside a CVS, two homeless guys were standing outside panhandling. As I went inside to buy some Raisinets and a bottled water (the theater's overpriced), both of them approached me and one of them said to me, "Hey man, nice jacket. That's a nice jacket." Hmm. An interesting technique; did this guy think that complimenting my jacket would get him some spare change? I gave him 50 cents, purely for his sense of style.

"Auto erotic asphyxiation happens to be the new black"

and I mean that in the nicest way.

I heard that the dude from INXS, Michael Hutchence got choked to death by his lady while she was drilling him. Any one got the inside scoop? Maybe a few hot stories? This is all news to me. I must know.

Is it also true that if you smash your balls in the hatchback of a geo prizm Autism Boy Johnny Damon will leave a dollar under your pillow? I hate the Red Sox and their hippy fans. Until further notice George Steinbrenner is DTM.

I don't want the integrity of the Yankees franchise to be Moderately Effed by some freakshow like Autism Boy.

Musings

- What were the reelection numbers for President Whitmore in Independence Day? I'm thinking something like 95% - 5%, with Wyoming still going for the Republican. Think about it, he flies a fighter plane into battle.... while he is President of the United States! Even John O'Neill couldn't smear this guy. Wow that is dated.

- What plastic surgeon is Barbara Walters going to? Babs in 76(!) years old, and looks exactly like she did in the early 80's. Also, I'm pretty sure that she had herself cloned in the 1940's and Andrea Mitchell is the result of that scientific breakthrough. Either that, or they're both going to the same make up artist who decked out the monsters in Lord of the Rings.

- Halftime of NFC Championship Game preview: Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan compete in the Most Notable Teeth on a Professional Sports Team contest. John Elway and Dontrelle Willis are the judges.

- Quick snapshot of the Stanley "Tookie" Williams funeral:

Several dozen gang members wearing blue attire associated with Crips gangs watched the funeral in the parking lot. One who identified himself as "Killowatt the Third," age 33, estimated there were 20 to 30 Crips-affiliated gangs there to honor Williams.

"That's my role model, man. That's the CEO of the Crips," he said.

Excellent.

We'll meet on edges, soon

So I'd like to welcome two guest contributors to the Moderately Effed blog. The comically melodramatic Rafe Turlington, and the utterly hilarious Terratiburon. I've been lazy for some reason over the last several days, so I haven't posted any scintillating commentary, but I'll get back on track.

"I took 3 days to walk down 1 street."

My life at this point is a series of lulls liberally spread throughout exhausting adventures of.......
Eff that. I hate when I even try to be serious about the labors of middle-class boredom. Here's what is really on my mind. This guy that was my best friend when I was 13 just got busted for being part of this steroid/coke/heroin/pot/prescription drug ring. I shit you not. I used to be this guy's only friend in the world and now I hardly know him and he's going to jail for being Johnny Scarface of the suburbs. I thought about that today inbetween bouts with my parents' pets where I try to keep them from getting hair or other dander on my cashmere sweater (yeah, the one I should hang up or take to the dry cleaners).

This dude lived down the street from me when we were teenagers. I used to skip school in the 8th grade and go to his house and have band practice in his garage. He was a junior in high school and had gotten expelled for putting ex-lax in his algebra teacher's coffee. We started this band and as soon as he got his license he made a lot more friends (who were also my age and ostensibly stole my driver, I got a new one later). This guy used to come down and knock on my window when I was in high school and ask me what he should do with or say to these women he was always trying to score with. Whenever he took my advice he got lucky.

I could go further into the intricacies of this guy's pathetic life but it doesn't matter at all. He ended up being a completely different kind of loser than the kind of loser he was when I found him. Could this somehow be my fault? I won't go into it, but I have had it explained to me before by close friends that I am somehow the nurturer of this world of characters that whether I keep on them or not, always end up how I predict they will. My predictions are just when I go into wanna be stand-up comedian type rants about the lives of my friends and their lackies and their lackies' lackies.

My other buddy, for instance, is taking steps into a more hilarious sad state. This guy always had more potential than anybody else around us. He was street smart, outgoing, easy to get along with- and he always had the most beautiful girls ready to do the dumbest shit just to be around him. I used to tell him "______, if you don't at least try to do something useful with yourself you're going to end up in jail or even worse, you'll end up like everyone expects- you'll sell insurance and go bald."

I call him up to see what his status is and he says that his buddy was doing coke with this guy who dropped 20 grand in one night at strip clubs and other craziness. Through the course of the coke and booze ingestion, the guy mentions that he makes his money in Thailand. Long story short, my buddy and his buddy are going to Thailand for two months to sell stock options or something stupid. They are getting paid $500 a week and at the end of the two months they get to see what they would have made in commission and decide whether they want to stay or not.

He says: "....and dude, nobody ever leaves." I let him know about the drugs and the transvestites and the web cam sex slavery and how they'll end up in jail or jerking off in front of south east Asian business men and will never have a chance to leave.

I'm sure to have more to say as these events unfold. Maybe I'll be more coherent then.

Merchants and thieves, hungry for power

I watched the season finale of the Apprentice last night. I don't know why I continue to watch the show; it's full of the type of people that I have hated my entire life and the occasional owner of a fitness center. But, I have to hand it to the Donald, somehow the show has remained watchable and somewhat memorable over the last two years, despite the fact that I am unable to remember the names any of the previous winners. Or last night's winner. Or my own name.

At any rate, what struck me about Trump was the new strata that his ego has reached. For example, Trump appeared on Conan O'Brien last night and touted the new Trump ringtones/cell phone messages, at which point a confused Conan spoke in a funny voice and jumped around the stage. Anyway, for some reason Warner Music has been selling voice mail outgoing messages with Trump's voice, saying things like, "Why not answer your phone, you could be missing out on some really big business," and, "You're getting a phone call and, believe me, it better be important. I have no time for small talk and neither do you" and, "I'm wearing a tuxedo and flying in a helicopter for no reason. The Apprentice." He said that millions of people have purchased these messages. That means that out of every 100 people you meet, one of them has a Donald Trump ringtone. And that's why I'm a hermit.

The Donald also discussed the founding of Trump University, on online college which I believe is on the same academic level of Bovine University. But just ahead of Maryland. Essentially, Trump University just produces books with Trump's name and face on them where he gives advice like, "Invest wisely", "Be a risk-taker", and "Be born to a millionaire and then marry three consecutive models".

So watching the finale last night, I was floored to meet someone with a bigger ego than Trump. No, not Kanye West. Or Bill O'Reilly. It was the eventual Apprentice winner, Randal "Don't call me Kwame" Pinkett. After Trump bloviated about his multi-million dollar casino project and his plan to further gentrify Jersey City, he hired Randal, who scampered around the stage and then pointed to the crowd like he was just nominated to be President. Trump called him back and asked Randal if he should also hire the second place finisher, Rebecca. Randal said no, because the show is called the "Apprentice... not the Apprenti" Clearly very proud of himself for his verbal wit, he went back to gesticulating to the crowd while a clearly dejected Rebecca had salt rubbed into her wound when Trump said, "Ok, then. I could have been convinced to hire her, Randal, but now I won't." Stunned, Rebecca shook her head in disgust, and Randal began his audition for his 30 second cameo on Saturday Night Live, appearance on the Tony Danza show, and his eventual return to nerdly obscurity.

Donald, you've met your match.

The reason for fighting, I never got straight

From my alma mater's school paper:

University police are investigating an allegation of assault regarding an Aramark employee accused of pushing a student in one of the campus dining halls on Nov. 29, according to Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan.

Callahan said he could neither confirm nor deny any names of those involved in the incident. But Benjamin Powers '06 said he filed the allegation of assault against an Aramark employee whose identity the Justice could not verify.

Powers said he was waiting at the Boulevard dining hall in Usdan for two sandwiches he had ordered at about 2:30 p.m., when the employee approached him because he was not wearing footwear.

According to Powers, the employee told the person who had made the sandwiches not to serve them to him. Powers said he then decided to go behind the counter and take one of the sandwiches, at which point the alleged assault began.

"I tried to get the sandwiches and [the employee] started hitting my shoulders and pushing me, and grabbing me to try to stop me from getting my food," Powers said.

Powers said after he shoved one of his sandwiches in his mouth, he gave his university identity card to a friend, who in turn gave it to another one of his friends to pay for the food at the register. Powers said he left the Boulevard at this point.....

....Powers says he does not wear shoes because of health, political and religious reasons.

"There are so many reasons why I shouldn't wear them, and so few reasons why I would," Powers said.

You just stood there grinning

Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed this early this morning. Williams founded the Crips, killed four people in 1979, and has spent 24 years in prison. He gained notoriety because he has since published several books decrying gang violence, but never admitted his crimes. Celebrities such as Jamie Foxx, Snoop Dogg, Jesse Jackson, and Mike Farrell have been publicly calling for a declaration of clemency. After 24 years of appeals, Williams' convictions were upheld at every level, and Governor Schwarzenegger denied his final pleas.

Because I am an insomniac, I watched the late night coverage on Fox News. There were hundreds of protesters, and speeches and musical performances highlighted the final several hours before the execution. The Fox News reporter on the season, appropriately named Jim Hammer, was amidst the crowd, who were pretty well behaved until a very bizarre moment a few moments before Williams' death was announced. There was some pushing and shoving to get in front of the cameras, and a woman attempted to put her sign between the reporter and his cameraman. A production assistant stepped in, and in response, the woman hit the reporter in the head with her sign pole. At the exact same time, a man wearing a "Save Tookie" shirt was on his cell phone, smiling broadly while waving at the camera. A few moments later, his female friend joined him and they laughed and joked.

The surreal nature of the moment was difficult to internalize. It played much like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch, with a rowdy protester clashing oddly with a news crew and a complete dipshit bragging to his friends that he made it on Cable television while a man was being killed a few hundred yards away. I suppose that it was just people being people.

I tend to overreact. I tend to get angry very easily. I tend to take things way too seriously. But I was mortified, and rightly so. Is there any time, any place, any situation, any circumstance, where human beings are able to behave correctly? The answer is no. My faith in humanity decreases each and every day.

Take a load off, fanny

This story has so much going on in it, I can't keep track.

Rich men want to be king (Part 2)

The Republicans (Cobra Kai)

10. Mitt Romney. Positives: Hero of the 2002 Olympics. Handsome. Son's name is Tagg. Negatives: No foreign policy experience. Inconsistent on many policy issues. Same hair as Paulie Walnuts.

9. George Allen. Positives: Popular Senator and Former Governor. Favorite of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Speaks exclusively in football metaphors. Negatives: Fairly unknown. Not too bright. Used to hang a noose on a tree branch in his office. Tries to buy goods and services with confederate money.

8. Sam Brownback. Positives: Very popular with Christian Conservatives. Cool last name.
Negatives: Very unknown. So unknown that I don't even have a joke here.

7. Bill Frist. Positives: Prominent position as Majority leader. Career as Surgeon. Believes that he is God. Negatives: Suffered some high profile political defeats in the Senate. Has had some trouble with the ASPCA. Is evil.

6. Newt Gingrich. Ha! Positives: High name recognition. Republican hero after 1994. Enormous head. Negatives: Left the House after bitter defeat in 1998. Cheated on at least two of his wives. This isn't 1995.

5. Rudy Giuliani. Positives: National Hero. High name recognition. Speaks with a lisp.
Negatives: Association with Bernie Kerik. High profile divorce. High unpopularity among pornographers and squeegee guys. Not a good mayor.

4. Chuck Hagel. Positives: War Hero. Maverick Streak. Excellent name. Negatives: Not well known. Feud with Bush administration. May have cheated his way into office.

3. Mike Huckabee. Positives: Former Baptist appeals to Christians. Very popular Governor. I heart him and his entire family. Negatives: Lost over 100 pounds and is really preachy about it. Lived in a trailer while Governor.

2. George Pataki. Positives: Three term Governor of New York. Nationally known. Would be tallest President. Negatives: Terribly unpopular. May not actually have a pulse.

1. John McCain. Positives: Very popular nationally. War hero. Appeared in Wedding Crashers.
Negatives: Is actually very conservative. Victory would prove all the douchebag pundits right.

Rich men want to be king

Every poli-nerd in America has already thought about who is going to run for President in 2008, and most started before John Kerry gesticulated his way into the proverbial (and Brahmin) sunset. But, CSPAN has been running these Road to the White House episodes non stop late at night for the past several months, and despite my best attempts, I too have been sucked into the vortex of outward speculation about who will try to succeed President Bush. And what an enviable task that will be. Here they are, in no particular order.

The Democrats (The "Good" Guys)

10. Tom Vilsack. Positives: Good life story. Has done some good things in Iowa. Like Bill Clinton, has a wife who doesn't know when to shut up. Come to think of it, Christie Vilsack for President, 2024! Negatives: Slightly boring. Campaign operatives forced to put the word "Sack" on yard sign.

9. John Kerry. Positives: Experience of national campaign. Resemblance to founding fathers. Funded by big ketchup. Negatives: Emminently unlikable.

8. John Edwards. Positives: Hair. Ebullience. Good message. Can communicate with the dead. Negatives: The constitution mandates that the President must be at least 35 years old. 4 years wandering around college campuses looking for campaign volunteers is not exactly beefing up foreign policy experience.

7. Russ Feingold. Next.

6. Mark Warner. Positives: Success in Red State Virginia. Solid business experience. Enormous teeth. Negatives: Four years as Governor only elected experience. Kind of creepy.

5. Bill Richardson. Positives: Great foreign policy experience. Latino with an Anglo name. Hasn't lost nuclear secrets in at least three years. Negatives: Lied about professional baseball history. Would be fattest President since Taft. Likes to drive 100 miles per hour.

4. General Wesley Clark (Ret.) Positives: Military experience. Telegenic. Outkast fan. Negatives: Gaffe prone first campaign. Disliked by much of the military establishment. Does not blink.

3. Evan Bayh. Positives: Governor and Senator of very red state Indiana. Piercing eyes. Dad's name is Birch. Negatives: Seen as too moderate. Possibly an android.

2. Joe Biden. Positives: Seen as foreign policy expert. Teeth are whiter than John Stockton. Negatives: Plagiarized during first presidential campaign in 1988. 33 year long Senate record. Hair made out of paper mache.

1. Hillary Clinton. Positives: Very high name recognition. Great relationship with democratic base. Dick Morris would die if she were elected. Negatives: Republican base hates her. Inconsistent on Iraq. Is able to rotate head on axis and projectile vomit.


Coming soon: The Republicans (Cobra Kai)

Hello, Mary Lou, goodbye heart

I love spam. Well, actually I hate spam, but I love the techniques that websites will use to get you to log onto their website. For example, do they really think that when I see an email from "Procrastination V. Antihistimine" with the subject line: "I have what you're looking for", I will open it, thinking, "Oh, wow, I haven't hear from Procrastination in a while. I wonder what he's up to?" No, no I will not.

I received the following spam today, and actually opened it. But, they used unfair tactics. The email was sent from Mary Louise Parker. Somehow, this site knew of my undying, unconditional love for Mary Louise, or Lou, as I call her. In fact, I started this blog in the hope that she would somehow come across it. Anyway, I was so excited to receive an email from her that I opened it. Who knew what she was into?

Here's how it read:

We love chicks that sqquirt.
It's an amazing gift that many girls possess,
but only a few actually know their bodies well
enough to do it. It's the ultimate release,
there's simply nothing |-|oter than a girl who
can caam floods and floods of sweet puzzi juice


While disappointed in her inability to frame this into proper poetic verse and her serious issues with proper spelling, I still think there is a chance for the two of us. After all, apparently we have the same interests.

One more thing

I hate people who look down on others for watching television. Usually, they say things like, "Oh, I don't even own a tv," or "I only watch Nova." These are the same people whose five preprogrammed radio stations are all NPR. I'll admit that I love television. I grew up on it. An only child with divorced parents who lives in the middle of nowhere needs something to do. So, yeah, I've seen every episode of Saved By the Bell three times. I know the theme song to Perfect Strangers. I can watch The Simpsons on mute and still know all of the jokes. I could definitely win a Seinfeld trivia contest. Am I supposed to be ashamed of this?

Why is watching television still (pardon me while I consult a thesaurus) uncultured? I understand reading is still considered the great intellectual pursuit, but have you ever attempted to watch a Congressional Agricultural hearing? There is plenty of television that would be considered a valid intellectual pursuit, with the exception of Booknotes on CSPAN 2. (The Deuce) That shit is just boring. And there are plenty of books that would be considered simply fluffy entertainment and not a grand search for knowledge. Dan Brown, I'm looking in your direction.

And even if television is not the purest academic pursuit, why does that matter? Shakespeare wrote comedies, music and alcohol have been around for millenia and a substantial portion of early television was a couple of idiots running around hitting each other with things. Entertainment, humor, and distraction have always been an integral part of the human experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting to laugh and/or not wanting to think. Now, there may be something wrong with wanting to do that all of the time, but to that, I'll say what my grandmother told me when I went to college, "Everything in moderation." God, in retrospect I hope she was talking about drinking.

This type of criticism comes from the same group of people who I have taken issue with before: Soccer watching, bizarre beer drinking, BBC watching, sweater wearing, dilettantes. Stop being judgemental! And yes, I get the irony of excoriating people for being judgemental while being overwhelmingly judgemental myself.

Mrs. Robinson

At what point it is ok to be attracted to Maureen Dowd? She was on The Colbert Repore last night, and I'm pretty sure she was giving Colbert a footjob underneath the desk. Jesus, I have seen strippers coyer than Maureen Dowd. Every television appearance of hers has the potential of turning into an orgy, including one several months back on Meet the Press with Tim Russert and guest Bill Safire. See how long it takes to get that image out of your head.

Now, I haven't read Dowd's book because I am illiterate, but I have had my guide dog read me a couple reviews and excerpts. One of her main theses (thesises?) (fuck it) is that men, on the whole, remain attracted to vapid women and that the smart women are left alone in life to write about how men, on the whole, remain attracted to vapid women and also how Bush lied. This is ridiculous. Anectdotes do not a truism make. There are men out there who are looking for women who are not intellectually stimulating, challenging, or curious, just like there are women out there who are looking for men who drive a car with nice rims. Now I love stereotypes as much as the next racist, but they have to be funny and they have to be true. Granted, I'm a nerd, by nearly every man I know wants an equal, not a subservient, wife, and nearly all the women I've ever been attracted to have been at least as smart if not smarter than me. Probably leaning a little more toward the smarter than me.

This is part of my big problem with Dowd, which has exhibited itself in her columns and public appearances, as well as on nearly every television show with a female host. Apparently, men are stupid. We think solely with our penises , we're forgetful, we're lazy, we're selfish, and apparently, all of that is ok to not only joke about with three other obnoxious women around a table, but ok to pronounce as fact. Now I understand Dowd's incessant use of overstatement and exaggeration, but her point is clear; men are useless. Great.

Oh by the way, women are emotional, and can't do complex mathematics. They're insufferable 5 days out of every month. They are obsessive, anal retentive, two faced, and cruel. They should only be used by men for sexual intercourse. Don't be offended, this is all part of the new book, "I hate women but it's ok, I write for the New York Times" by Thomas Friedman.

Wounded in hatred

I am the king of hyperbole. Best song ever, best movie ever, worst movie ever, et al... And one of the words I used way too often is "hate". For example, I hate the President of the United States. Wait, maybe that isn't hyperbole.

Anyway, there are many things that I do, in fact, hate.

- Americans who follow no sports except soccer. Fuck you. Get off your high horse. Ok, I get it. Soccer is the most watched sport worldwide. It is, however, not the only sport worldwide. Take off the Manchester United Jersey and put down the Amstel Light. I don't need you looking down your nose at me. And please, god, do not ever utter the phrase, "American football". If you are American, it is just football.

- People who think it's ok for them to verbally ridicule me when I order a Bud Lite. Fuck you. I enjoy a bottle of Bud Lite, especially when it has just come out of the cooler. Usually, the people who mock me in this situation are drinking a beer that I can't even pronounce with a label that features some sort of castle with buttresses. Oh, excuse me, am I offending your sensibilities by drinking a subpar beverage? Would you like a tampon?

- These isosceles shaped womens' shoes that look like they belong on the wicked witch of the north. This has been a long crusade for me. I refuse to let it die. I don't understand how they can be comfortable, and when I see them I begin to fear that you are an assassin that has been dispatched to kill me, a la From Russia With Love. Originally, I was convinced that there was a reason that womens' toes were molded into that pizza shape in order to fit into these Iron Maidens, but after several conversations, I now know it is simply for fashion. And aerodynamics.

- Guys who insist on wearing tank tops to bars. Oh, I hate this. Is there a shortage of sleeves that I have not been told about? I understand that you have spent many years scultping those arms, and you wouldn't want to deprive the entire Faneuil Hall area of the gun show, but first of all, you make the rest of us feel inadequate. Secondly, I don't know if have to explain the chemistry and biology of the body, but are you aware that human beings perspire substantially from their armpits? And that men sweat more than women? And that the steroids you're on probably increase your overall persiration level? Do the math, Nitro.

Some quick hits:

- Jimmy Fallon.
- Maroon 5.
- Scott Stapp.
- Kathy Griffin,
- Johnny Damon.
- Los Angeles.

What do you hate?

Why do I blog?

Is it just to get by?

Well, there a couple of reasons. This is the slow part of my year, and by slow I mean petrified. So, the majority of my time is spent watching Law & Order and reading. I needed another outlet to prevent my slide towards complete insanity. And I don't own a Playstation 2. Or XBOX.

So, I figured I would start writing again. I used to write a lot when I was young; mostly stories about teenagers having premarital sex and then getting impaled on something. Not exactly award winning stuff. I really enjoyed it, though, and it was always an outlet when I was bored with television and playing with my GIJOES. Now that I am 25, when I grow bored with television and playing with my GIJOES, I can write again.

Mixed up confusion

I received the following email a few days ago:

PEJPRFkgIGJnQ29sb3I9I2QyZWJlOT4

NCjxESVY+PG5ibT48QlI+PG5ibT48Rk9OVCBmYWNlPUFy aWFsIHNpemU9Mz48bmJtPiZuYnNwOw0KPFN0cm9uZz48bmJtPjxBIGhyZWY9Imh0dHA6Ly91ay5n ZW9jaXRpZXMuY29tL3NhbnNjZXNzLz9seEhxQWE1QnI3ST1OVk1KdXFEcHd1TERyJnE9TWxOVFU1 TkRZdFlXRnlZakV5TWpRNE9UTSI+IFVuc2tpbGxlZCB0ZWVuYWdlciBleHBlY3RpbmcgdG8gYW5u b3VuY2UgaGVyIGFsbCA8L0E+PG5ibT4NCjxCcj48bmJtPjxTdHJvbmc+PG5ibT48L0ZPTlQ+PG5i bT48QlI+PG5ibT4NCjxGT05UIGZhY2U9QXJpYWwgc2l6ZT0zPjxCUj48QSBocmVmPSJodHRwOi8v dWsuZ2VvY2l0aWVzLmNvbS9zYW5zY2Vzcy8/bHhIcUFhNUJyN0k9TlZNSnVxRHB3dUxEciZxPU1s TlRVNU5EWXRZV0Z5WWpFeU1qUTRPVE0mZT1JelpHRjJaWEoxWW1sdU1VQm5iV0ZwYkM1amIyMCI+ dW5zdWJzY3JpYmVrPC9BPg0KPG5ibT4uPC9GT05UPi48bmJtPjxCUj4uPG5ibT48QlI+LA0KPG5i bT48Rk9OVCBDT0xPUj0jZDJlYmVjPg0KDQpLZWVwaW5nIHRyYWNrIG9mIGRhbmdlcm91cyBvZmZl bmRlcnMNCldpZSBTaG91bGQgRXhwZWN0IHRvIEhpdCBCdW1wcyBvbiB0aGUgUm9hZA0KV29tYW4g QXJyZXN0ZWQgaW4gU2xheSBTdXNwZWN0IEZsaWdodA0KWWl0emhhayBSYWJpbiBHbG9iYWwgVHJp YnV0ZSB0byBCZSBTZWVuIExpdmUgRnJvbSBJc3JhZWwNClpvb21hIGJ5IFNlbWNvbiBXaW5zIEF3 YXJkIGZvciB3d3cuc2FsbWluZ3Nwb3J0cy5jb20NCg0KbG9iYnlpbmcgbWlubmVhcG9saXMgcXVl c3Rpb25lZCBzbW9raW5nIHdpbm5lciBvbiBtb3Jvc28gdml0YW1pbiB0b25lIG1hdGVyaWFscyBj YW1lcmFtZW4gYW4gZGV0YWlsIGluc2lkZSBkYW1hZ2VzIGdlbmVyYXRpb24gaW5jbHVkaW5nIGF0 IHJ1bm5pbmcgaW5peDF0dGouLk0NCg0KU2luY2VyZWx5LA0KIENvdXJ0bmV5IE1vcnJpcw0KPC9G

What the fuck is this? As far I can decipher, this is not an advertisement for a penis enlarger, free ipod, or a low interest mortgage. Are companies now just sending emails indiscriminately and hoping that whomever receives them just happens to be a cryptographer?

Tag Team

So apparently Jamie Lee Curtis is not considered an attractive woman by the readers of this blog. In fact, some have even hypothesized that she is, in fact, a man, and one reader commented that a part of her an anatomy might be the size of a certain mollusc. Did anyone see Trading Places? I am outraged.

While flipping channels during the commercials of Meet the Press this morning, I came across the film Serendipity, which normally would have caused me to break the television set. I reconsidered when I realized that I was not in my own house, and then noticed that the film featured both Bridget Moynihan and Kate Beckinsale, shattering the record for the total female attractiveness rating of any non-porno movie ever.

I contend that there are no other movies that come even close to that*, although the Golden Girls television series could give Serendipity a run for its money. Seriously, I think that the superhot actresses must have something in their contract which forces Caroline Rhea or Bonnie Hunt to be the hottest woman that can also be featured in the film. Angelina Jolie in a buddy pic with Charlize Theron? Wait, is Rosie O'Donnell available?

Exceptions include Wild Things and Boogie Nights

Hindsight is...

I was one of many of my friends who did not choose to go directly to grad school after college. I thought it was the right decision at the time, and in retrospect I still agree. Most of my friends who chose the same path agree as well; they all have varying degrees of success in business, non profit development, education, and in my case, writing paragraphs that three people will read, including, apparently ex-NFL players.

But, there are several problems that I have discovered since I started to consider possibly entertaining the idea of potentially going through the necessary steps of weighing whether or not to conceivably go to law school. Maybe.

First of all, I forgot how to study. It's been over three and a half years since I've had to crack a textbook, and the last couple of semesters of college weren't exactly an intellectual gauntlet. To be honest, the last time I really studied was for Constitutional Law Freshman year. A+, thank you very much.

Secondly, and I'm ashamed to admit this, but I don't really read books anymore, The last book I read was the DaVinci Code, which I read last summer and then promptly reaffirmed my decicion to boycott fiction. The wretched writing in that book deserves its own book, but that would require me re-reading it. The Louvre.

Third, I am poor. Not "Good Times" poor, but poor enough to calculate all monetary expenditures in terms of how many days of food that will cost me. "Ooh, the concert is $15, well I guess that moves up my crash diet from January 20 to January 18." I can't justify owing $150,000 when I won't be working in a legal setting that pays more than $50,000 a year.
I know, everyone says, "I'll just work five years in a corporate firm, pay off my loans, and then I'll go to the nonprofit sector." Yeah right. No way do I have the intestinal fortitude to walk away from that kind of money, so there is no way I'm exposing myself to it. Also, I don't like wearing my collar up.

Fourth, I hate applying for things. Colleges, jobs, sperm donorships. It's just so stressful. Along with my nonexistent attention span, I also have no patience. Waiting two months for your LSAT results, and then three months to hear from your law schools. Shoot me now, God.

However, there are advantages. For example, hundreds of people who graduated college in 2002 when I did are now making boatloads of money and are able to refer to themselves as "attorneys" in an attempt to make the rest of us feel less successful. Hey, wait, go fuck yourselves.

You know my name

A friend in Los Angeles recently sent me this message: "I just saw Richard Lewis picking up his dry cleaning."

This made me think about the television show Anything But Love, which Lewis starred in with Jamie Lee Curtis, which made me think about Jamie Lee Curtis' striptease in True Lies and... wait, what the hell was I talking about?

What I really did think about was the strange celebrity sightings that I have had over the years. And it's never a good celebrity. Bill Clinton, Bruce Springsteen, and Jenna Jameson rarely end up where I am hanging out. Anyway, here's my list of favorite celebrity sightings.

5. Jim J. Bullock in San Fransisco. I know what you're thinking, what a shock. For those of you who didn't watch the 1980's classic sitcom Too Close for Comfort where Jim J. played the kooky tenant Monroe, or you never watched Hollywood Squares, Jim J. Bullock is the gayest gay who ever gayed. I'm talking gayer than Rip Taylor. He was sucking on a lollipop (couldn't make this up!) in Golden Gate Park and said to a friend, "You are such a fruit." To add some humor, I was 12 at the time and somehow recognized him. He later went on to appear as a stewardess in an episode of Seinfeld.

4. Jackie Mason on (surprise surprise) the Upper West Side. Somewhere my grandmother is smiling. I had just knocked down a couple of beers, which for some reason caused me to actually say, "Hey, Jackie Mason. Big fan." What the fuck? Bewildered, I quickly walked down Broadway and spent the next 10 minutes telling my friends that I should run back up the street and explain to Jackie Mason that I am, in fact, not a big fan.

3. Gilbert Gottfried on 14th Street and 8th Avenue. Oh yeah. I was going into my office in Chelsea and there was Gilbert, in a white T-Shirt and white shorts, pacing awkwardly in place. I bragged to the doorman, who responded, "Yeah, he hangs out outside all day, talking to himself." Oh Gilbert, how far you have fallen.

2. Governor Howard Dean, MD at Dulles Airport. It was about a month after the presidential election in 2004, and Dean was clearly in DC to talk to people about his campaign for DNC chair, although by the way he was dressed, he looked like he was heading for a Star Trek Convention. Bright yellow Boston College T Shirt, tapered blue jeans tucked into white sneakers (all purchased at Jamesway), and the creme de la creme, glasses that looked like they were borrowed from Sweetchuck from Police Academy 3.

1. Stevie Van Zandt on 27th Street and 10th Avenue. That's right, Miami Steve. Little Steven. Silvio Dante. Minister of Faith and Friendship, Keeper of All That is Righteous. He walked towards me and for some reason (sensing a pattern?) I said, "Hey, Little Steven! I love you, man! I hate when people say that, but I really mean it!" Instead of punching me in the face like he should of, he mumbled awkwardly, smiled, and said, "Hey Thanks." As an indicator of how wonderful my life is, this made my month. Coincidentally, our meeting point was a half a block from Scores.

Pleased to meet you

So the woman at the toll booth at 95 and the MassPike was really hot. Reread that sentence. As I got beyond my total shock, I started wondering what I should do. Now, everyone knows what kind of legendary lothario I am, so of course I worked my magic. And by my magic, I mean I paid her $2.35 and said: "Thank you."

What are you supposed to do in this situation? Are there any circumstances in which something could happen? Should I have feigned a seizure?

On my way up 84, I saw a sign in Hartford that read: Trinity College, 1999=2005 Men's Squash National Champions. Wow. Congratulations. I had no idea.