A Real American Hero

I usually don't post twice a day, but while reading an article about embattled former NY police commissioner Bernie Kerik, I simply had the urge. Kerik, whom I can best describe as villainous, pled guilty to accepting bribes gifts from a contracting company who was looking to do business with New York City.

Here is the notable part of the article:

Kerik was convicted on a pair of misdemeanors in a deal that spared him any jail time. He instead was ordered to pay $221,000 in fines at the 10-minute hearing.

Kerik acknowledged accepting $165,000 worth of renovations on his Bronx apartment from a company attempting to do business with the city -- a New Jersey construction firm with alleged links to the mob. He also admitted failing to report a loan as required by city law.

The plea bargain allows Kerik to continue his new career as a security consultant in the Middle East.

Oh wow.

I am brimming with patriotism and optimism.

You have chosen poorly

Is it me or does Star Jones look like Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones after he drinks the holy water from that Golden cup? She's wasting away! Also, I continue to love the Larry King backdrop -- it's like a giant Lite Brite board.

Anyway, Star has jumped ship from the View, lowering the average weight and average bitchiness ratio (ABR) significantly, although with Rosie O'Donnell joining the show in the fall, both numbers are expected to skyrocket. I will also be counting down the days until Barbara Walters punches Rosie in the face.

The whole Star Jones/Barbara Walters severely surgically altered tete a severely surgically altered tete is tremendous if not just for the egos, but also because the disproportionate media coverage it has been getting. In a day when Bin Laden released a new tape, the Israelis continued their attack on Gaza, and the Supreme Court bitchslapped the President and his good time buddies, CNN still chose to run the Star Jones story as the number one side headline. That's excellent.

Musings

- Though tempted, I passed on live blogging the NBA draft because I am not Bill Simmons and did not want to embarrass myself. I will say three things: Nets draft pick/laptop thief Marcus Williams' hobbies include harvesting honey. Sergio Rodriguez, who was picked by Spain, is nicknamed "Spanish Chocolate". And apparently there's a guy named Rolando Balkman in the draft, whose job in the NBA will be to confuse play by play guys.

- With the Middle East on the brink of (another) war, it's good to see the United States Senate is busy focusing on important issues like flag burning. A constitutional amendment (gulp) banning flag burning failed by one vote in the Senate yesterday, creating direct mail pieces for Republicans for the November elections and causing Bill Frist to feign outrage. The bill was defeated by mostly Democrats, who argued that flag desecration was a very rare offense and the bill violated the spirit of the constitution, as well as the general tenets of irony.

- I've been on a bit of a Radiohead kick this week -- where the hell was I when these guys started releasing records? I pride myself on my musical tastes and experience, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not listening to these guys in the 90's. It's ok, I still listen to Blonde on Blonde nearly every day, and that was released in 1966. So, I've got time.

- My laziness continues, but I promise some action packed social commentary and scintillating political analysis next week. So get ready for more columns on T commuting and using public bathrooms.

- And finally, in a clear sign that the US Senate has got its priorities in order, Chuck Grassley (R-IA), is suggesting that the government start taxing pimps. Seems like a good solution to the lobbying problem. At any rate, I'm not sure how exactly we would track these pimps and prostitutes, but I've got one man in mind:

Gammons

Because I watched last night's game in a bar and didn't turn on Sportscenter when I got home, I didn't read about Peter Gammons' aneurysm and surgery until this morning.

We all strive to be the best at what we do, whether it be professionally or personally. Gammons doesn't need to strive.

Erection

So I'm going to skip right over the Mets getting pounded by the Red Sox last night and mention the hilarious story of the week: Rush Limbaugh getting detained in a Florida airport for once again being in possession of illegal prescription medicine -- this time it was viagra.

Where do I start?

First, why did the Palm Beach Airport have to force the knowledge, upon everyone in the world, that Rush Limbaugh still has sex? Couldn't have we just taken that for granted, kind of like not asking how sausage is made? Now we are forced to imagine it and picture it and.... I have a headache.

Secondly, ha! Is there a more embarrassing drug he could have been caught with? Even anti hemmorhoid cream would have been better -- Rush can't get it up! That's right, Rush can't get it up! Haha! Awesome. All right, maybe this news isn't such a bad thing.

But, leave it up to Rush to try to laugh it off. He joked that he told police that he got the pill from the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Nice try. Everybody knows all Bill Clinton needed was a slight gust of wind and he was ready to go.

Rush can't get it up!

I'll be the one in the back of the bar wearing an Al Leiter shirt and getting beaten up

This week could be one of the best of my life, which, judging by the details, will give you a glimpse of how wholly uninteresting my life is. As I mentioned yesterday, I move into my apartment on Saturday, bringing and end to the sad, sordid life of Couch Dave, and ushering in the era of TBone.

But more importantly, the Mets roll in town, fresh off of a 2-1 series victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. Sure, they've only gone 5-5 in their last ten games, but they still have the best record in the NL, third best record in baseball, a lineup that is absolutely killing the ball, and did I mention that they beat the Red Sox in the 1986 World Series?

Ahhh, memories. There is nothing I like more about an interleague series between the Mets and the Red Sox then the unending loop of Buckner/Mookie clips that national sportscasters are contractually obligated to show. It almost makes watching American League baseball bearable. Now, sure, the Red Sox won a title since then and have been in the playoffs a bunch of times, but Met fans have to clutch on to something! And, the previous interleague series have not exactly been exciting, save a Jay Payton (as a Met) home run off Super Pedro (circa 2000) in a Mets loss.

To make matters even more hilarious, the Red Sox will be honoring the 1986 World Series losers at tonight's game, as it is the 20th anniversary of the last time they lost a World Series. Let's guess who won't be at the festivities.

But now, a trip to Fenway for Mets fans will bring more than Vin Scully's voice and smiles remembering our last great victory. The Mets are going to demolish the Red Sox this week, and here's hoping that David Wright hits a ball that smacks Curt Schilling in the ankle, breaking it and causing chewing tobacco to spill out all over the pitcher's mound.

For all the talk about this vaunted Red Sox lineup that's hitting nearly .290, the Mets have hit more home runs and stolen a ton more bases than the Red Sox. It's not even a competition in pitching; the Mets have allowed 30 less runs. So I can't wait. Oh, and one more thing:

This never gets old.

Musings

- So now that I'm again working a 9 to 5 job, I'm trying to get some new hobbies. Right now I'm trying to set the world record for most viewings of Batman Begins on HBO. Luckily, it's on 6 times a day so I'm right on target.

- I move in to an apartment where I'll have an actual bedroom at the end of this week, so hopefully my very clever nickname "Couch Dave" will fall by the wayside. I'm hoping "TBone" will catch on. I recently figured out that I haven't had my own room since October of 2003, as there was a year or so with an ex and then various couches throughout the Northeast since early last year. So all in all, things are looking up.

- Warren Buffett will be giving away at leat 85% of his $42 billion fortune. Listen, Warren, I don't really need that much. A tenth of a percent and I'm good. Really. That's it. Just a tenth of a percent. I promise I'll tithe?!?

- While running on Memorial Drive today, I saw a Jeep Cherokee smash into a light pole at Mass. Ave, leaving pieces of the pole and his car on the road. Like the Massachusetts driver that he was, he drove off. Some passerbys called the police, and when a couple of us ran over to clear the debris from the road, we noticed that the entire front of the guy's car was laying on the grass, including, you guessed it, his license plate. Excellent.

Friday news roundup

- Fun news out of South Florida, where Federal agents raided a house filled with Muslim extremists who were planning on blowing up the Sears tower and the Federal Building in Miami. Man, thank God the administration supports militarizing the border and building strategic missile defense! President Bush will hold a press conference and then will immediately call for tax cuts.

- The US was beaten by Ghana in the World Cup yesterday. Whatever.

- And the nutjob world leader award this week goes to..... Kim Jong Il!!!! Yay!!! Sorry, Ahmadinejad. You'll be back.

- Matt Drudge, the king of dumbass headlines and juxtaposed pictures.


I always knew that a hot girl in a bikini was going to be my savior, I just had no idea she would be the savior.

- Rick "The Haircut" Santorum released breaking information that the US discovered 500 weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Vindication? Not so much. The Department of Defense debunked that myth years ago, as the weapons were unusable and were from before the original Persian Gulf War. Nice snooping, Rick! Here's another newsbreak for you -- you're down 18 points in your Senate race.

An open letter to the woman who wouldn't let me off the train yesterday morning

Dear woman who wouldn't let me off the train yesterday morning,

Clearly, you are more important than me, as I am in my 20's and couldn't possibly have any place to be. No, I wear my tie simply for kicks and I was not on my way to work at 8:45 yesterday morning. I'm sure that's why there was a look of contempt on your face when I attempted to move you and your ass out of my way.

(Note: stock photo. A real Boston subway would not have that many minorities)

So to clarify -- a subway car is not a taxi. It does not stop and start only when you want it to. It is a transportation device designed to carry many people to various stops along a specific route. It is not a place for you to admire yourself in the flattering light of a subway door window, which by the way, is not flattering at all.

Best,
Dave.

Flash!

The Miami Heat won the NBA championship last night, and apparently I'm the only human being on earth who is happy about it. I understand Dallas and their "team game", their "contributors", their "chemistry", etc... But Mark Cuban is a nut and everything about Dirk Nowitzki creeps me out.

But Sports Guy argues that this Miami Heat victory will ruin the NBA, because it will cause teams to be based around a superstar and and a not fantastic supporting cast. Every team will believe that they can win a title buy building around one superstar (Carter/Pierce/Arenas) and not putting the right complementary pieces together.

Easy, Bill. First, that's ridiculous. So one team wins the title and suddenly the entire NBA will look and say, "Okay, let's just get ourselves a Dwayne Wade and then we're set!" There aren't exactly a lot of Wade's out there, in fact it's pretty much Wade, Lebron, and Kobe, and then the next level of guys. Detroit knew that it didn't have the individual scoring talent to win a title, so it muscled up, got a good coach, and played good defensive basketball. Teams will do what they have to in order to win; they will use the personnel they have or go out and get better players. But when your team has an absolute A lister like Wade, you can build the team around him and know that if you do it the right way, you can win a championship that way. Duncan/Kobe/Michael/Hakeem/Isaiah all show that, although some of their supporting casts were better.

Secondly, the Heat bench and "role players" aren't the scrubs they are made out to be. Just like Michael didn't win until he got Pippen off and running and a good front line (and he shared the ball), Wade won when he got a great and active front line who got offensive rebounds, knocked down jump shots, and blocked shots. The Heat wouldn't have won Game Six if it wasn't for Mourning's 5 blocked shots. Granted, Wade didn't have to wait as long, but that's all about his GM/Coach spending the money and putting the right pieces together. Antoine (and it pains me to say this) had a great Game Six too, and Jason Williams played well.

It would be great if the NBA could be like the 1980's Celtics/Lakers every year, but Bird, Magic, Kareem, and McHale were unique players. We'll never see anything like them again. I dislike Detroit basketball just like I disliked the 90's Knicks and Heat basketball. But this Heat team is exciting not because of the style of ball that it plays but because the opportunity that we have to see Dwayne Wade play. Yes, the Mavericks were fun to watch, because of Dirk and because of all the guys who could knock down jump shots, but, like early Jordan, I like watching a player who can take over a game by driving to the basket and hitting tough jumpers. And if that player rebounds and passes like Wade does, then how can you not enjoy it? Watching Kobe, Lebron, and Wade fight it it out for 10-15 more years? I'm there.

And the sky with no clouds, The heat was hot and the ground was dry

I returned from Arizona yesterday morning, expecting a reprieve from the 102 degree temperature and instead receiving a 90 degree, 90% sponge bath by the gods of Logan Airport. During the three days I was in Arizona, my friends and I spouted back and forth to each other about thirty times, "You know, I much prefer this 106 degree no humidity to Boston at 90 degrees and 70% humidity.". Honestly, though, I hate all of it. Once it gets over 68 degrees, I start to get very uncomfortable and Scott McLellan level sweat spots start to appear at interesting places throughout my torso. And I will not get into what goes on below the waste. Let's just say not good things.

I will not go into the details of the alchol consumed or not consumed, because that stuff isn't even interesting to me. Needless to say, I spent three days reconnecting with good friends that I hadn't seen in years, and it made me pine for the camraderie if not the ease of life that accompanied college. Our paths have all gone different ways; some have married, some have interesting jobs, some have lived adventure. But the real test of friendship is that no matter the circumstance or the time that you've spent away from each other that things can be like they used to be. Cracking the same jokes, making fun of each other for the same things, laughing at the same times.

Now that the sappy stuff is out of the way, here are a couple of funny things that happened:

- I had to buy a bathing suit because I forgot mine (when everyone heard that someone needed to buy a bathing suit, it was unanimous that it was me), so we went to the Foothills mall in Tucson, where I spotted this shirt:


Perfect timing after last week's whine fest on these kinds of shirts. Malls, making sluts mainstream since the late 1990's.

- There was a sound engineer convention at the resort where the wedding was held, so I got my fill of chains dangling off black jeans, moustaches, and mullets, and zero women. That's excellent. But they were good sports and even joined us in a game of water volleyball (AKA Dave embarrasses himself in front of a entirely new group of people).

- We passed this sign in Phoenix on our way to the airport:


- The last time I was on the West Coast was 1992, and a trip with your mom and grandma when you're twelve is not a prime time to scope out women, but my brief stay in Arizona completely boggled my mind; the women in Arizona are incredible. Just incredible. It certainly is difficult to talk to them when you look like Patrick Ewing in double overtime, but let's just say the typical wait staff at a Phoenix restaurant is slightly more attractive than the entire line outside of the Purple Shamrock on a Friday night. I need to move to Arizona.

- And finally, here is a Moderately Effed first. Photographs of me. The first one was at about midnight on the wedding night, about 13 beers in. That's me on the right.


And this one was taken at the ketubah signing. Predictable, I was wearing shorts and a Planned Parenthood t shirt when I was dragged to the synagogue. Dressed to the nines as usual.

We took an airplane flight

Moderately Effed will be taking a break until next week, as I am heading to Tucson today for a wedding. It is the first wedding of friends from college, and I am very excited about the trip except for this:


So, hopefully I won't die of heat stroke. When I attended my last wedding, Vice President Cheney shot an old man in the face, so I'm hoping he kicks it up a notch and kills an old woman with a crossbow. See you next week!

But you got needs

I purchased a new cell phone today at the Verizon store in Cambridge, which meant that I had to negotiate through the teenyboppers that hang out at the Cambridgeside (Ghettoside) Galleria. Passing one particularly unattractive group, I noticed a shirt on one of the "ladies" that read: No money, no car, no chance!


The shirt was even less impressive than that; I think the bedazzler was used in its creation. There were definitely rhinestones.

Anyway, at that point, I only had $13 on me. And I sold my car a couple of months ago. So I dejectedly walked away, my tail between my legs. Maybe one day I will rise to the standards of an unattractive 15 year old girl dangling over the balcony in front of Hickory Farms. Perchance to dream.

Gold Digger by Kanye West is a fantastic song, and that's not only because of the hysterical lyrics, great beat, and Ray Charles sampling, but more importantly because women like that exist out there. That boggles my mind. What year is this? What women are looking to men to be their white financial knight? How exactly can you look at yourself on your way out to Third Avenue when your entire night's goal is to get your drinks bought for you and to possibly meet an investment banker with low self esteem from Great Neck?

Who's teaching these girls that shirts likethis , ironic or not, are appropriate? Is it their mothers, who most likely got knocked up by the gas station attendant down the road and are begging that the same future doesn't befall their daughters? Here's some advice: buy her a book and a computer instead of humiliating clothing. That way, she'll learn something and then attract an actually upstanding man, instead of one who drives a pimped out Subaru Impreza and hangs out at the food court. Either that, or she'll get a good education at a good college and get a good job. Whichever.

A Very Special Tuesday News Roundup

- Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the former Cheney aide who leaked Valerie Plame's identity to the press in 2003, is, and I can't believe I'm writing this, considering calling a memory expert to testify that Libby forgot about meeting with reporters as opposed to lied about meeting with reporters. I love this defense. I love it. I'm fully on board with it. I will use this from now on in every interpersonal, professional, and legal interaction that I have for the rest of my life.

- President Bush met with his foreign policy team this week, and apparently they've already made a wax mockup of said meeting:


What's the funniest part of this picture?
A) President Bush's facial expression
B) Dick Cheney's pink shirt
C) Donald Rumsfeld appears to be wearing a Patagonia jacket
D) Condoleeza Rice

- Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback Ben Roethlisberger made his bid to end up in the Darwin awards by crashing his motorcycle while not wearing a helmet, resulting in many lost teeth and other severe injuries. After hearing of the accident, former Steelers running back Jerome Bettis ate a sandwich.

- I would like to congratulate the US military for killing Al Queda operative Abu-Musab Al Zarqarwi last week. Great, now that that's over, we can pack it in and head back to the States. Get those homecoming parades ready!

World Cup Fever!!! Well, maybe World Cup slight temperature

All right, I may have stolen the above picture from a certain self loathing gay muckraking internet journalist whom I won't name (Matt Drudge), but it's comedic photos like this that only come around once every couple of years. Or every time President Bush has a public appearance.

I have previously railed against Americans who are way too in to international soccer, and I am still very suspicious of them, but the World Cup brings about a certain national pride in me, as I watch the USA valiantly try and then get defeated; kind of like the international electronics and car sales markets. I don't know what it is, but this year I'm going to be really paying attention and rooting on the red, white, and blue. Maybe it's because I'm in a World Cup pool at work and I have the US as one of my picks. Ole...Ole Ole Ole!

I also have Ecuador as my other pick. I know nothing about Ecuador except for its intersection with the Equator. But after their victory over Poland on Friday, you bet I'll be paying attention. I've got $200 bucks riding on this!

In terms of the other teams, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gets fed up with the performance of his team and decides to names himself captain and lines up as a striker. Here's a preview:


Wow, how embarrassing it must be for the Iranians to have a President who dresses up in ridiculous costumes to rally national pride and flex nuts:

Friday news roundup

- Tuesday was primary day in Iowa, California, and Montana. No real big upsets, except for State Senator Jon Tester beating Insurance Commissioner John Morrison in the democratic primary for US Senate. Tester will go up against Jack Abramoff's own incumbent Conrad Burns. I like Tester, I'm just not sure I want a guy who looks like this in the Senate:


Isn't he the coowner of Henrickson's Home Plus on Big Love?

- Louisiana Senator David Vitter (R-Homophobia) made quite possibly the most incredible statement ever uttered in politics. When discussing the constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, Vitter said: I don’t believe there’s any issue that’s more important than this one." Wow. I'll give him a pass on the War, Health Care, AIDS, immigration,and terrorism because he's from Louisiana and most people don't read too good down there. But he's from... Louisiana!!! How about the fact that hist state is still pretty busted up from the Hurricane last year that killed a thousand people and left tens of thousands permanently displaced? Idiot.

- Writing the name Ann Coulter makes me physically uncomfortable, but America's favorite transsexual political analyst made some of the most terrible comments of her career this week, voraciously insulting widows of September 11 victims for supporting Democratic campaigns and speaking out against President Bush. She referred to them as "witches" and claimed that the women were "enjoying their husbands' death(s)". I don't have a joke, I just wanted everyone who will ever read this for the rest of human history to know that I think that Ann Coulter is the living embodiment of the word malicious. She is everything that is wrong with human beings; arrogant, purposefully hurtful, and ignorant. If she truly believes half the things she says, then she is evil.

An open letter to all the people who use the toilets in the mens' bathroom on the 12th floor of my office building

Dear all the people who use the toilets in the mens' bathroom on the 12th floor of my office building:

This is a toilet flusher:


When this lever is depressed, it causes a strong flow of water to enter into the toilet chamber, sweeping it clear of urine and fecal matter. First invented in 1500 BC on the Mediterranean isle of Crete, indoor plumbing was designed mainly for hygenic and health purposes, as human waste out in the open tends to attract bacteria, germs, and insects. Additionally, it gives off a very unsavory odor and is rather displeasing to the eye. Operation of said lever requires a very small amount of physical pressure, and takes less than a second of time.

Thank you,
Dave

Just do your thing, you'll be king

The only time politics ever made me cry was on December 13, 2000. I have lost a lot, and I mean, a lot, of elections in the 5 and a half years since that day. I've watched heroic candidates lose, heroic candidates die, and in 2004 watched Bill Clinton and Barack Obama remind me that oratory can still shake me to my core. But on December 13, 2000, politics made me cry for the first and only time.


On Friday night, I went to quite possibly the most appropriate place to watch Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the Church Street theatre in Harvard Square in Cambridge. The moviegoers were straight out of central casting; the 60 year old men with earrings and hawaiin shirts, the nerds with Harvard sweatshirts and black rimmed glasses laughing like Eddie Murphy, the braless 45 year old women wearing tank tops and long flowery dresses. President Bush's image was flashed on the screen, and several hisses and boos scattered throughout the crowd. This was the Democratic base.

There was applause, there was voracious nodding and agreement, and there was laughter. Not just at the jokes, but at Al Gore. At his exasperation, at his demeanor, at Al Gore, the man. Here was this man on a quest to deliver a message. Here was this man who was so angry at the lack of government and societal action and behavior, here was this man. Not a wonk, not a Vice President who overpronounced words and looked too stiff next to George Bush. Here was a man who is just as committed to saving the environment in 2006 as he was when he first learned about the alarming trends in 1966.


The movie doesn't really break a lot of new ground (main plot point: we are fucked), but it does do two important things. First, it simplifies some myths about "global warming" and also talks, in real terms, about the specific changes in our environment as well as the false choice of environment vs. economy. Second, it goes a long way in continuing to humanize a man who was painted during an entire Presidential campaign as an android. And that's the real result of this movie; realization of a soul where there was none. A rehabililation of a public image.

On December 13, 2000, politics made me cry for the only time. Al Gore conceded his campaign for the Presidency. He fought the good fight for that last month, and in that speech, he showed glimpses of what we would see from him over the next six years. Hints of the humor of his appearance on Saturday Night Live two years later, of the fire and energy of his speeches against the war in Iraq and the Bush foreign policy, of the soul of An Inconvenient Truth. It's a cliche, but where was all of this when he was running against George Bush?

The answer to that question is: it doesn't matter. He lost that race. He made his mistakes and sighed his way through the debates. He ran from Clinton. He was afraid to take a position. But that Al Gore doesn't exist anymore. It's the same face, sure. The same voice, the same ideology. The same commitment. But this Al Gore, either out of enlightment or political calculation, isn't afraid anymore. And he has his next campaign video, which will be out on DVD just in time to deliver to every democratic voter in Iowa.

A little sliver of human nature

Over the past three years, Evite has become the most popular way to invite people to parties and also to broadcast to the general public how popular or unpopular you are. Ok, you've invited 311 people, that's great. It's still going to be the same 25 people hovering around the refrigerator. By the way, how do you know 311 people?

So beyond the chest bumping of overall popularity provided to the inviters, Evite also allows the invitees to subject the rest of us to their ego stroking in the form of telling the world how busy they are. This is an hilarious actual example of some "No" responses on a recent Evite invitation I received:


To me, a simple "no" would suffice, but these people feel the need to tell everyone about how bizarrely altruistic and thoughtful they are, in very specific fashion. Since when did "I have other plans" stop being an acceptable answer to a party invitation? Other good answers are: "I'll be having sex with my girlfriend", "I'm installing shower curtains", and "I don't like you".

So let's just keep it simple. As a fellow invitee to a Memorial Day barbecue, I don't need to know about your philanthropic, familial, or chaperonal tendencies. All I care about is how many women are coming and whether or not they put out. Can we just add that as a response choice: Yes? No? Maybe? Will go home with guy?

Technical Problems

At the final interview for the job that I started on Monday, the President asked me what some of pet peeves were. I told her that I tend to get slightly frustrated by technical problems. Blogger.com decided to play into those feelings in me and shut my blog down for a day, requiring me to republish it in its entirety and reedit several settings.

Now that I've gone on my little nerd rant, I'll go back to generating utterly hilarious social and political commentary. Stay tuned.

Musings

- I don't like the Mavericks, but the one good thing with their victory over the Suns is that I won't be bombarded with stories about the "special friendship" between Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash, how they "ate dinner together" every night during the playoffs, how they constantly used to play "1 on 1" together when they were teammates, and about that summer they subletted an apartment on Castro Street. Thank God that's over. On the other hand, we will now be subjected to melodramatic close ups of Dirk's face during the national anthem, which may be worse.

- Speaking of gay marriage, President Bush this week decried activist judges, and once again urged a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman I guess his pander to the religious conservatives alarm went off. Bush also suggested constitutional amendments banning interracial marriage (sorry Condi), women owning property (sorry Condi again), and women voting (sorry Hillary). Damn activist judges.

- My apartment hunt continues. Here are the highlights:

One apartment was boiling hot. I started sweating immediately after I entered.
"So, does it get hot in the summer?
"No, it's pretty much like this all the time."

One apartment had arabic writing everywhere. Not sure what to make of that.

One apartment had food and garbage piled up in the kitchen, and not a small amount. It
smelled like a transfer station. The guy goes: "Well, we usually clean once a month."

Everything seemed good in the last apartment despite no door to the bedroom when I
asked the obvious question:
"Where's the bathroom?"
"Oh, yeah. That's the big negative. We use this key," he led me into the hallway (outside of the apartment) to a gas station style bathroom which smelled, coincidentally, like a gas
station bathroom. Yeah, that's a big negative.

- I know this one is old, but please don't call Target "Tar-jay".

- And finally, I start work today. My first real job in three years. I am so excited. And also frightened, but mostly excited. I wonder if they have a shower in the office?

Hilarious CNN headline and accompanying photograph of the week

That's it for me folks. I'll see you next week, when I will officially return to the work force.

Andrew Dice Greyhound Bus Driver

Greyhound must be training their drivers to be comedians, because the last two guys I had on the Boston-New York leg have been a little heavy on the jokes, with the last one throwing out these little nuggets:

- "Don't take the wrong luggage, you don't want your girlfriend opening up your bag and finding lingerie. No honey for you tonight."

- (Discussing cell phone usage) "You might have to call your boyfriend or girlfriend. Girls calling boyfriends, or girls calling girlfriends. or boys calling boyfriends. It is Boston, after all."

- "Please don't remove your shoes, the bus will smell like a fish market."

- "My name is Ben. You can call me Ben, but please don't call me Ben Laden."

So the last one I don't really get. I was trying to think about how he came up with it: "Hmm... How do offend everyone on a bus from New York while simultaneously making an incredibly bad pun? I've got it!" Doesn't really fit in with his humor.

So here's my advice to the Greyhound drivers: Just get me there. If you want to stop at that Roy Rogers on 84, feel free to do that, too, but stay clear of making sexually suggestive comments, insulting homosexuals, and drudging up memories of terrorist attacks. And for God's sake, why did you show Quigley Down Under as the movie?